Monday, September 3, 2012

this lil piggy went to the market

one of my all-time fav-o-rit fairy tales from my non sexual
non heterosexual period in life...was about those 3 oinkers

2 of them have'n issues with their home owners insurance...while one of them built walls around them so tough...no one could get to him...unless he wanted them in!

so there i was...a couple weeks back...wait...lemme back it up a bit...

6 weeks ago...in between the chitter chatter'n jitter bugs and diet cokers...
at some neighborhood caffeinated palace...there i was cruise'n down the informational highway at about 5 mph...search'n fer a new set of wheels that was call'n my name...since my current mobile transit unit is riddled with untreatable cancer...well i could treat it...but the automotive doctor i took it to a couple months earlier...informed me that it would cost more than what my pinto blow-about was worth...so i was on the prowl!

but after a pain stake'n hunt that seemed to last fer hours...(but really...was probably no more than about 5 minutes)...i was outta gas...as my brain no longer has any capacity to care to rummage around online...look'n at another car

i was ready to prowl in other pastures...

so i took the nearest exit off the informational highway i was on...
and stopped off at this human nature resort...known as ADAM4ADAM.COM

you can make it what you want it to be...but it's basically yer one-stop-shop for the non heterosexual on the go...or for the not-so-str8-as-a-wet-noodle non homosexual tied-in-a-knot man...look'n to frolic amongst the fornicational animals in the informational forrest

so after runn'n over my share of socially retarded...sexually depressed monkeys...i came across this 6'5 chunk of hunk...we'll call TEX fer now (don't worry...we'll call him somethin' else before this story ends)

we did the proverbial back n forth banter...but i was ready to park my car and get out and enjoy the weather that day...so i asked TEX if he wanted to meet fer cocktails and test out our communicational skills in person

he agreed!

since he recently moved here from outta state...i said i'd pick him up and show him around the city
we went to this uptown eatery...fer lunch in a glass...to help break the ice

i knew upon our meet'n...that though he was incredibly good look'n...he had shaved off a decade from his birth date to seem relevant to me...(which i never understood that)...but none the less...i didn't care...i wasn't there to marry him...i was just look'n fer a partner in crime to sacrifice to the fornicational gods live'n inside me

come on...it had been like 2 months...i suffered enough!

i could tell he was a bit nervous at first with his shakey hands play'n on some imaginary table piano...i mean who wouldn't be...he was meet'n THEE unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe after all...but after a couple appetizers in a glass...
he was much more at ease

he gave me the run down...(which fer the most part is usually scripted and reads like a bad lifetime movie of the week)...he was married...had 3 pretty lil girls...the picket fence and all that goes along with those clich├ęs... then it fell apart when the lil suppressed monster he'd been carry'n around in his backpack since high school...reared it's sexual head...look'n fer head...from someone wear'n biceps and not push'n a broomstick

i figered...hot guy in suppression slacks...equals nothing more than a nite
at the Sodom and Gomorrah Inn (oh the horrah)...and i was ready to check in

turns out...TEX was more than that though...

TEX loves his girls...TEX knows how cook some mean table scraps...TEX is in great shape for 50...TEX knows how to dress...TEX knows how to have a good time...TEX has a very vertigo view of downtown...TEX knows how to fish fer compliments when he needs an ego boost...oh
and TEX likes to still go "clam dive'n" now and then when he's not gett'n his "lungs removed"

i went thru one of these before 15 years ago...and after 9 months as a bi-stand'in...we ended up in court...and i vowed never to get attached to a fence jumper again

don't get my wrong...i believe there are true fence jumpers...and i have no problems with them....unlike those not-so-str8-act'n and appear'n mo's...
who think just cuz they popped their cork on a drunk nite at some frat party with some kappa beta pie hole once...that they aren't really G-A-Y...but trust me...they're the 1st one's with their legs stapled to the ceil'n before the front door shuts

our VERY non platonic boat ride..was pretty much have'n cocktail hour...
along with cock and tail...grill'n the veggie's and vegg'n out

one nite we'd went out to see the caped crusader together and started rubb'n our knee's together like 2 teenaged grasshoppers...
we made plans to take a road trip to Duluth fer a weekend and goin to the return of the QUEEN in St Paul fer the 1st time in 25 years

there was zero pressure on either side as to where this was goin...we just floated along as if we've been on this boat ride fer years...no commitment necessary

he'd gone outta town one weekend...then had his girls the next weekend...and i had the opportunity to finally make it to Market Days in Oprahville with some friends...
so off i went

the 1st nite i was pretty much on my own...as the friends i was in town to meet were too pooped to party from their tennis tournament they were play'n at all day...so i made it my mission to find someone to occupy my time...and out of the blue...i got a text from this couple i had met earlier in the year in the minne-apple..who were also in town fer Market Days...so i met them out at DS Tequilla and they were already entertain'n a gaggle of gays by the time i had arrived

we chittered and chattered and hopped from bar to bar...fill'n our tanks with as many spirits as possible to get into the festival spirit...and the next thing ya know...it's 2 am and i'm stand'n in line where more woody woodpeckers aren't ask'n how much would a woodchuck pay...
but how much wood would their money buy!

i don't judge...unless i'm gett'n paid fer it...but suffice it to say...curiosity DID NOT kill this kitten that nite!

my main purpose fer the weekend was to turn off my think'n cap and just go with the flow...and it didn't hurt one bit as the eye candy store was burst'n at the seams...as was my chest in my tee apparently...cuz i had never had soo many eye's google'n me out the next day during the market...

even my friend Vicky (his name...like his waistline...has been altered to save his identity)  was feel'n the glimmer of her spotlight fade'n...
until she purchased this sparkley pelican ring...and she was back

Olivia Newton-John and Sheena Easton and Pointer Sisters were there...it was an all 80's girl power fest...and they didn't disappoint...though we were disappointed to find out we missed the Pointer Sisters by about 12 hours

Sheena looked and sounded a-m-a-z-i-n-g...
and was all about the the strut...pout and putt'n it out there

while OLIVIA NEWTON got "physical" and "let me be there"
with her "magic"...well...you get the picture...an absolute gem!

FYI...turns out OLIVIA NEWTON-John will be grace'n the minne-apple stage...monday sept 24th at the Guthrie Theater...so you can catch me there with my friend Karen...if you can

now where was i...oh yea

so day turned to nite...and i met up with this french model online...who turned out to be a puerto rican deacon that weekend (well not in the conventional way mind you)...but he did drop to his knees at some point to say his prayers (insert evil grin here)

nice guy and all...but odd thing was...when it was all said and done...and the modular furniture faded into the mist...i'd felt like i had just sprung a leak in my non committal boat

when i returned back home later that nite...i had called TEX and told him about most of my weekend getaway to a point...hey this non committal boat rider felt like plugg'n up the leak...and i was actually interested to see how his weekend went...and though TEX still wanted his conjugal visits...all of a sudden it seemed like i was throw'n darts at a board...and not hitt'n the bullseye when it came to gett'n any sort of confirmation

by week's end...the tides had shifted and i felt like i was aboard 
the SS Minnow

that just set ground on the shore of this unfortunately all to familiar charted desert isle...and no response to a phone call or text within 48 hour period can be written off as a busy schedule...but after 7 days...it's time to pack it up before the pity parade starts line'n up

i could call him a waste of time...an A double snake hole...a good bi-fuckee (yes...contrary to what you may have heard on the street...i am 99.9% the "er" and NOT the "ee")  and i guess i just did come to think of it...but he really only was a number #3 meal deal with a side of unmistaken identity fries i ordered from the start...i was just try'n to wash it down with a hopeful shake...oh well

then i remembered what this redheaded lawyer once said...
"he's just not that into you!"

i've been there...done that...fer the 2nd and the last time now...
but at least this time i didn't have to put on my pity slacks fer judge Judy

you can't change a leopards spots...but you can change the channel once in a while when you got nothing else to watch...so no hard feel'ns TEX...but i think it's time to get off my dress!

*update* as i was proof'n my prowness...i received a text from Tex...hmmmm...to be continued...


















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