Monday, November 26, 2012

Nightmare on the Runway

ever get that not-so-fresh-in-yer-memory feel'n...almost like yer life is a script...write'n it's very own hit tv show right in front of yer unbelievably almond shaped eyes? (if they were almond shaped like mine that is)
and James Earl Jones is the voice over

well...that's exactly how it all played out a couple weeks back

TONITE...on "Nightmare on the Runway"
starr'n Joan Collins

as Krystal Kleer 

as Krystle Carrington...

as the lead'n lady...who wasn't a lady lead'n anything or anyone on fer a change...

while on vacation in the heart of  the bible beat'n...
banjo pluck'n...great state of North Carolina...
where own'n all yer teeth is not a necessity...but a luxury

outside of the fact that i hadda get up with dawn's ass crack in my eyes...
stretch'n and a yawn'n on my way outta dodge...i made it there in one piece...for some peace and quiet fer a long weekend

2 months went into plann'n my 2nd ever outta towner...who would eventually turn into a complete debbie downer...but let's back it up a bit

my distant cousin's once removed...WAIT!...try'n to decipher that mathematical equation always makes my mind bleed...
they'll always be considered my cousins regardless of the zero family bloodline...they're a fuck'n hoot and a half to hang with

anyways...so i was to spend a couple days with my cuz's...
played by 80's hot sauce Charlene Tilton

and 007 himself...Daniel Craig...in Roanoke, VA

so Charlene took the 3 hour tour thru the hills...
past grama's house 

and picked me up at the Raleigh/Durham airport

the gorgeous leaves had on their brightest red,orange and yellow blouses...
and it made fer the perfect ride back to their palace...

if it wasn't fer Charlene drive'n like she'd just gotten a home lobotomy

all was well when i arrived...their 2 pretty lil kids
greeted me at the door with open arms...

fer their fav-o-rit non denominational...unintentionally internationally
unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...and unrelated aunt

it's a portrait Norman Rockwell fergot to paint...
someone's unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe unrelated aunt home again...in oils!

Daniel...home from a hard days work...was greeted by his golden lab...
well accept in my story...his golden lab was just some mangy mongrel with an attitude problem

the next day...Charlene and her friend...
played by KD Lang (i'm just tell'n it like it is kittens)

took me to get my very 1st pedicure since i was a beauty school drop-out
at the Shanghai Surprise Me nail salon

which really surprised me...cuz i could get a pedicure and...
check out any potential failures in the area...at my finger tips

Soon Ye did a miracle on my hooves...and soon me...Charlene and KD were off on another non alcoholic...alcoholic adventure

by day 2...as we all were set to say our au revoirs...

i had rung my potential failure to meet us half way in Greensboro to pick me up...to save Charlene from have'n to have dawn's ass crack in her face...
drive'n me the 3 hours back to the airport in the wee hours of the morn'n...
and he said he'd call me right back...2 seconds later...this is what i got:
i thought...WOW!...even he knows of my star status live'n in the stix!

shortly after receive'n his patheticness...
i had visited a local doctor to get rid of my headache...and relieve him of any oral commitments we had planned

thankfully Charlene and Daniel came ride'n in on their white horses...
which happened to be in the form of my new fav-o-rit alcoholic beverage

and said they would change my flight pattern and would be more than happy to have me spend another nite with them

by noon...we feasted on crab legs and cocktails...and then later that even'n...i was whisked away to some middle eastern mouthwater'n hole...
and tried things i'da never dreamt i'd ever stick in my mouth...but it was like a party in there...(ummm...not that kinda party sicko's) that ALMOST happened...later on in the story

afterwards...we stopped at some quaint lil shit shack liquor lounge to water down our stomachs...when outta the blue...this suedo hotness...thanx to the bad lighten'n and liquor i had now consumed...walks towards me

he was everything i would'a wanted in that very moment...
pierce'n dark eyes obscured by shades...thick jet black hair..tatted...and sandpaper scruffed face

and i was ready to give in...that is until he turned his head slightly...
and i was introduced to the GIGANTOR cold sore that had taken over my fantasy!

kittens...i felt like i was aboard the millennium falcon...
and i couldn't escape his gravitational pull towards his death star

i had chatted to a couple potential failures in the area...a day prior when i was gett'n my hooves sandblasted and outta the blue...
the military man text me

kittens...my pollination process was work'n in over drive try'n to calm the natives down...but soon my bubble was gonna burst...so my chauffeurs
agreed to drop me off at his place of worship...known as the no-tell-ho-tel...
little did i know he was also have'n the crypt keeper over fer communal services

hey i'm all about serve'n the service men...that is...
when they look like the military men in every non heterosexual's fantasy

and not like Mr Magoo who just gave himself one too many enemas!

i mean...i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...
and i needed to perform an illusion...pronto!

so i rearranged my DNA and got the H-E-double hockey sticks outta there

thankfully my posse waited fer me at the liquor cabinet in the lobby and we went to the PARK...the premiere non heterosexual dance club in town...
we arrived durin' their drag show benefitt'n the victims of hurricane SANDY

i will bite my tongue on the review...since they were doin a benefit show...
but let's just say...putt'n on yer make-up with magic markers...is not that magical in the spotlight!

nite turned into dazed...and it was the morn'n of my final departure...so with bags packed...off we went to the Lynchburg airport an hour away

part'n is such sweet sorrow...but i was just really ready fer snowflakes and soak'n in calgon's cool bouquet in my own palace...

and i figered they had had enough of me...
as if!

i had arrived and made it thru security no problemo...
in and out in 5 minutes...just like my last date...and waited patiently fer my board'n call

tick tock tick tock tick tock...the minutes passed rather quickly...
and next thing ya know...we were past the board'n time as scheduled

hmmm...perhaps the pilot was wait'n fer the final conclusion to...

or perhaps they hadda pump up the co-pilot...
whatever it was...the natives in the lobby were gett'n restless

as i looked outside at the Patsy Cline plane i was to board 15 minutes ago...
i wasn't quite sure i wanted to climb aboard
maybe it had to do with watch'n one too many lifetime movies of the week...i don't know

so to calm my nerves...i conjured up thoughts of some potential failure...
that would be wait'n to greet me with open arms once i arrived

then the less than stellar comedic style'ns of the peanut gallery says...
"sorry to inform you ladies and gentleman...but tonite's flight attendant has come down with a bad case of stomach cramps and we are unable to take off at this time...please be seated and we'll will let you know when she feels better to board the plane!"

ummm...WTF!...a fuck'n stomach ache?

i was expect'n a wing had fallen off...the pilot got his unmentionables stuck in a lavatory glory hole...somethin' earth shatter'n...but a tummy bug?

i'll serve the fuck'n peanuts...and we've all heard the "in case of a water emergency...you can use yer seat as a flotation device" enough times in our lifetime...we can recite it in our sleep

tick tock tick tock tick tock...
this was not look'n good!

35 minutes later...the last comic stand'n that was voted off the show before
it began...gets back on the mic and informs us that we will not be leave'n on tonite's last flight...and trust me when i say...everyone that was wait'n...
 had the same idea how we wanted her to leave!

so we all had to go back thru security...which now was a corral of cranky cattle...and wait fer the next available operator to rebook our flight...
who was the janitor lady just hours earlier...i swear!

i was 40th in line...and it was take'n 15 minutes to rebook just 1...so i called Charlene and informed her of the situation...and without hesitation...
Charlene and Daniel turned around after arrive'n back home to get me so i didn't have set up shop!

an hour later they arrived back and got rebooked outta Roanoke so they wouldn't have to drive an hour to drop me back off...so i handed my
identification to the detoxed agent...and he informs me that i made the "HALL OF FAME OF UNUSUAL NAMES"
i said..."ummm...what's that?...another name fer the no fly list?"

back home i had spent the majority of my narcoleptic insomniac nite...
finish'n up my blog about the sudden loss of my X...and chatter'n to potential failures that i may or may not meet back home...why not?
by 6 am...i finally was able to get the sheep jump'n over the damn fence and 2 hours later i was up and pack'n again fer the 3rd time that weekend

after a quick breakfast... it was off to the airport once again...but at least this time...it was only minutes away...and as i made it thru security and Charlene faded away into the distance...i remembered one thing...
the delete button and that potential failure from Raleigh would be nothing more but a mere blip on my list of socially retarded potential failures...that i never had to potentially not meet

as i boarded the plane back to the land of 10,000 bottoms...i mean lakes...(9,999 bottoms) everything seemed to be goin as scheduled...until we got onto the runway and the captain announces that with the strong winds ahead...we were unable to take off...but at this point...
i just wanted to get off!

look'n around though...i knew my options were beyond limited...
so i shut my eyes...and by the time i had awaken...i was back home

a potential failure just happened to text me as i boarded the train home...
but he potentially wouldn't show up by the time i arrived back to my apt...so i potentially just counted sheep!

moral of the story...i have none!

now get off my dress




















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