HANDS SOLO

oh the 80's...what decadent decade it was...fer many it was all about...

very high fashion...very high hair and a very high life

but fer me though...it was about my very high intolerance of catholic school confessionals and an equally...very high libido and try'n to find'n the best...

 visual stimulation's fer my personal fornicational fantasies...the tintinnabulational bells rang out in my head like a sexually frustrated tabernacle choir durin' my tenderly supple teenage years...cause'n much needed relief in my briefs...when my parachute pants would get "tight" many many times durin' the day...which...without the proper train'n and use of spermicidal jams and jellies...gave a new mean'n to the word "carpet burns"...that is until i learned of the many mysteries of mayonnaise

so let's take a look back at who was hot that made me trot...

in tonite's episode of masturbatory theater: 80's edition

the easiest go-to to get-off and get to count'n those sheep...was of course

the impeccably delectably original throat plunger (or perhaps lung remover) of them all...JEFF STRYKER...with his cushion pillow lips and perfectly sculpted hips...Jeff earned himself a massive follow'n...follow'n his equally massive kickstand cock...Mr. Stryker made me hitchhike to heaven many a nite and worked much better on me than any ambien ever could on those cold lonely nites

though the king of rock and roll got everyone all shook up in the 50's...

he couldn't compare to the shake and baked bad ass of rock n roll in the 80's...with the flick of wrist and that insatiable sexy snarl...Mr. WILLIAM ALBERT MICHAEL BROAD had me "dancing with myself" "in the midnite hour"...enough times to make a blind man see again

GREASE may have been the word in the late 1970's...

but all eyes were on the hottest "cool rider" of them all at Rydell High in the 1980's...later starr'n in hit shows like "DYNASTY" and "THE COLBY'S"...Maxwell Caulfield is best remembered as putt'n the purrr back into perfection with those dreamy eyes and those meaty thighs as MICHAEL CARRINGTON in GREASE 2...play'n the love starved aussie vy'n fer Michelle Phieffer's affection...and added much needed relief to my dicktion affliction

apparently...it's a luxury in the south to own all yer own teeth...

not a specific requirement...thankfully though these 2 "good ol' boys" owned all their teeth and alot more...BO and LUKE DUKE were the hottest assets to come outta Hazzard County...and though they weren't kiss'n cuz's...they definitely were double trouble and definitely doubled my fun on many occasions durin' bath time dream time,,,just make sure to check the hamper next to the tub fer any peep shows popp'n up

though Miss Ringwald might'a been sport'n the best bob on the planet...

everyone...and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E...with any mouth water'n pent up teenage angst...hopped aboard the exploration frustration train when Michael Schoeffling...played sweet fresh faced cool cucumber...JAKE RYAN...desperately yearn'n to bob on his candle...in the back seat of his parents rolls royce...while tickle'n the dragon's tail...in the cumm'n of age classic "16 CANDLES"

of course...no fantasy island would be fulfilled with out a mustache ride...

from this private dick...not only did MAGNUM P.I. sport the coolest car while fight'n crime at the time...he also sported the perfectly groomed carpet that matched his broomed lip...but the cherry on top of his career...(that i secretly wanted to be on top of) was have'n condoms named after him....it was grrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes when it came time to spank the monkey

as the under cover lover and drummer to one of the biggest bands in the...

80's...CULTURE CLUB's JON MOSS had a tender but tumultuous relationship with lead singer BOY GEORGE durin' their time at the top...but Jon had that certain je ne sais quoi about him and with those incredible come fuck with me eyes...how could you not fall under his spell...when yer pants started to swell...you knew it was time to start turn'n japanese pleez!

my saturday morn'ns were never quite the same again...

once the animated cult classic HE-MAN appeared on our cartoon line-up...with his perfectly chiseled chest and golden blonde page boy tresses...i waited in baited breath as he held aloft his "magic sword" and said "by the power of grey skull...i have the p-o-w-e-r"...HE made you feel like he would take care of anything and everything in yer prepubescent pity parade...include'n that pup tent you were sprout'n in yer pj's

before he was a reality tragedy on the defunked series "ARE YOU HOT?"...

and his dreadful good cop gone bad cop by enforce'n the law on the law enforcement series "RENEGADE" that unfortunately ran fer 5 season...LORENZO LAMAS played lazy playboy grandson Lance Cumson (and trust me...i did!) on the CBS series "FALCON CREST"...with his exhaustingly handsome Argentinian looks and perfectly lacquered locks...Lorenzo was the perfect nite time soap stud...to soap up to and shoot cupids arrow

he had more gold chains caress'n his neckline than king tut...

B.A. BARAKUS...better known to most as Mr. T...was one of the all time hottest bad-ass crime fight'n pimps to ever grace the prime time hour...with his manicured mohawk and his perky pecs...he pitied the fool...who never played with his tool

well that's it fer this trip down masturbation lane...now if you would...excuse me while i huff and puff and blow someone else's house down fer a change

so puhleez...GET OFF MY DRESS!

double trouble

there are many powers possessed by have'n a true to life doppelganger...

comes in handy when yer market'n fresher breath...while secretly promote'n chemically enhanced tooth decay...

 want'n to freak the fuck outta an ax weild'n homicidal maniacs family...

turn'n yerself into a bucket of water...or the form of a hysterectomy pad...

ALMOST become'n every non heterosexuals wet dream fantasy...

or actually become'n ALMOST every non heterosexuals fantasy

i've even wondered what it'd be like to have another carbon copy of my...

unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe self...it sure would help when i wanted to take a break from bein' mercilessly stalked by my fan...but then i realized...no one can steal my dimly lit spotlight...even if it is just another me...there's only room fer ONE OF US...and i'd end up just scratch'n her eyes out in the end anyways

unfortunately...sometimes see'n double...just leads to moronic trouble

case in point...these 2 CASPER crusade'n cankersours...the Benham brothers

so these allegedly non pole puff'n...worshipers of the bible that color'n book...tried desperately to whore themselves out fer yet another house flipp'n reality show on HGTV...puhleez...we need that as much as...

we need another season of  "the 700 club "

"this ol' bat shit crazy crypt keeper in da house"

but HGTV wasn't gonna pander to their paganistic propaganda

so here's a lil back story of these 2 allegedly non cock-suck'n crusaders...

brother David believes that "non heterosexual marriage" would cause every build'n constructed since 2012 to topple if we try to redefine "marriage"...which will cause moral destruction of our society...

but reality game shows corrall'n members of the opposite sex (ewww...that's so...you know...just ewww) i mean...desperate fame riddled whores who never got enough hugs grow'n up by their parents...in hopes they'll marry someone within 10 episodes fer a rate'ns bonanza...is perfectly acceptable and exactly how their creator delusional entity intended it to be

and of course Jason...(who might have a slight edge in the hot factor)

proved how religious persecution is at a all time high...when he likened the christians CASPER crusade'n cankersaurus's...to that of the kilt wear'n klansmen in the movie "Braveheart"...

only thing is...compare'n yer faith to an antisemitic drunk is probably not the wisest choice to make yer case...fyi

but it gets even better...when durin' that very same speech...

he says that the non heterosexuals and their "agenda" are like nazi bullets..."there are cultural bullets fly'n all over today...especially religious liberty and what's happen'n right now is many spiritual leaders...they are runn'n from bullets...but there's a remnant of people that are ready to stand and say... i'm not runn'n from those bullets any more!"

hmmm...so who's "agenda" is really kill'n who's boys?

especially when you have one of yer cracked out crusaders try'na pass a political hot potato as a sign of peace 

not to be outdone by his brother...David compares today's Casper crusader

to those that have been beheaded by ISIS
"the weapon of choice for the agenda in the middle east is a sword,,,but the weapon of choice for the agenda in america is silence...ISIS is filled with rage...they are empowered by a demonic blood thirsty spirit that needs to be confronted and dealt with...not tiptoed around the tulips...the plot to silence the beliefs of christians in this nation...thank god it's not thru a sword...it's just in the form of silence!"

thing is David...sometimes ya gotta stop and smell the tulips...before ya go open'n yer 2 lips...dont'cha think? don't answer that...just think about it!

of course no is to blame fer this immorally lustful meringue pie more than...

Lucifer himself...who's the obvious choice as the mastermind behind all those devilishly delicious acts of fornicational faggotry...cry'n "satan is a big phony...he's a counterfeit...he's always gonna attack sex because sex is the goal of life...it's life in your marriage...it's physical life with children...it's offspring...and the devil is make'n war against the offspring of the woman...which means that the devil hates life...jesus came to bring life...the devil says...i come to destroy it!"

hmmm..."physical life with children"...i don't mean to over analyze things here mister....but yer start'n to sound like yer 1 lollipop away from the pedophile parade...time to pull back the religious rhetoric kitten!

"words are like weapons...they betray"

besides...satan has always been portrayed as a sorta HOT commodity...

and what self-loath'n...narcissistic...over blown "str8 act'n and appear'n mo" with a "hidden agenda" does'nt like that?

listen kittens...sometimes i've been mistaken fer satan...

and other times i've looked like a saint...

but broadcast'n yer comic book beliefs on national telio-vision...you ain't!

now get off my dress!

once upon a time...

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories...as a very small...

but very important up and come'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe was...

"WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"

i can remember this bein' read to me by my incredibly loveable cuz's Carey and Shelly when they'd babysit me and the rest of my sibs on the farm...

i...like Max had...and still have...

a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader...i am read to...but trust me...if you TRY and read me...i WILL crucify you on yer cross!

move'n on...

so i was reminisce'n recently of other childhood fav's that i wished i'd been able to have read...but never bothered to...cuz if they're any good...

you know they'll make em into a movie...right?

so let's take a trip down mammary lane at other beloved books...shall we?

one of my other all time fav's is the story about tough love in...

"Pimpin' Pete"

(gots hot little bitches in heat)

6 grade ain't easy when you wanna be the coolest kid in the classroom...
with the pressures of try'na stay at the top of yer game...without take'n any of the blame...bein' decked out in the latest dungarees from Denmark...while map'n out yer terrain around yer block in yer super hot BMX bike...with mega booster wheels...kittens...that don't come cheap!
in order fer lil Pete to live the lifestyle he feels he's entitled to...since mommy and daddy won't fork over a goddamn dime...so when life gives him "lemons" that follow him around like the pied piper...Pete does the next best thing....and turns those "lemons" into a bonifide work'n machine and rents em out to rake the neighbors yards...wash their cars...and clean the out the trash in local bars...while collect'n all the profits fer his piggy bank and just toss's them a wink and an unwarranted promise that he'll be theirs ferever...or at least until the 10th grade

hey do you remember the classic tale of what to do in bad weather?

"Taking Trips on Rainy Days" 

this was the story about Mildred teach'n her lil tinker bell...Tommy...how to cope with the slings and arrows of an imperfect world...that will most likely be aimed towards him...from classmates and local parishioners...after she found back issues of "INCHES" hidden deep in his britches drawer...while give'n him the proper technique to "perform" without scrape'n his teeth along those "throat plungers"

then there's that one about learn'n how to live alone...

"My Parents are Fighting Again"

(the story of Timmy's home away from a broken home)

this is the sad story of how Timmy has to take shop class as an elective in order to build his own future in the backyard...after mommy catches daddy on the baby monitor...take'n the babysitter on one too many "long ass rides" in the tool shed...and poor Timmy is always stuck pick'n up the shattered dish wear scattered all along the kitchen floor...along with his shattered life

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy...

"Dear God...Please Kill my Little Sister"

this easy to read between the lines story...explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the household...the bank account and his parents affection...when it was just him in the home fer the 1st 12 years...one nite...as mommy and daddy desperately wanted to rekindle their love...by catch'n a movie at those theaters with a "back room"...Charlie gets his 1st job in responsibility and has to babysit Sally...and not long after the front doors closes and mommy and daddy fade into the mist...Charlie sends lil Sally to bed...but as Charlie turns off the lights...Sally curled under the covers terrified...whimpers "Charlie...pleez don't turn out the lights,,,i see monsters in the dark!"...Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises one eyebrow "Sally pipe down...those aren't monsters...those are just yer clothes...try'n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!"...trust me...this'll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life

teach yer lil vaginal wart that mosquito bites don't have to last forever with...

"My First Little Boop Job"

the story about a shy...sweet lil detective named Suzy...who decided to fight fire with fire...by blackmail'n the biology teacher into pay'n fer her double dd's whom she caught jack'n off the janitor...so she can get straight A's in high school...without have'n to moonlight as stripper fer the principle at the Hurry Back Inn

christmas is a great time to be charitable...but nothin' says christmas like...

"Santa says No Toys for Poor Kids"

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches kids of all ages...that after ol' Saint Nick's been runn'n a sweat shop full of hard work'n...underpaid...ungrateful lil elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline fer years...loose'n his looks to his waistline...and the Misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing this ol' fat ass wants as a reward is dried out toll house cookies and a glass of ulcer soothin' moo juice...so he opts to visit only those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches...and low ball of cherry infused bourbon...served by a lady of the nite to drop his low balls onto

and who could ferget the mystical imagination in...

"Drugs are Magic"

here you'll learn how Amanda Peeonme went from teenage terror to town tramp...with a lil help from her friends...Mr. Hypodermic Needle...Rubbie Hose...Quay Ludes...and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high...is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown...and after a nite of non stop party'n...her uncontrollable desires take over...until she has a complete breakthru with her breakdown...discover'n the magic of easy uploadable imagery on xtube when she's not in control of the situation...by the next morn'n...at the office

remember the cost of try'n to discover you talents in...

"Will You Stop that Damn Noise"

grown'n up is never easy...especially when yer a prodigy child...try'n to try out fer the school band...with a  mother who's been ride'n the cotton pony fer the better part of yer childhood...while dear ol' dad is watch'n a marathon of "my lil girl ain't so lil anymore" in his bvd's..with is buddies Jimmy Beam...Johnny Walker and Jose Quervo

you'll be green with envy...with read'n another holiday classic...

"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pipp'n will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter at the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...and alot harder to crack his cracker in than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothin' says learn to earn yer own live'n like...

"My First Meth Lab"

this will give every boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned benjamins she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house"...after catch'n him try'n to take on mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend dancer in Vegas...and discovered daddy wasn't bein totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it kittens...so take some time out and read any or all of these classics to yer lil kittens to teach them how to become irresponsibly responsible adults...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks in some Taiwanese steakhouse back room or appear'n on some daytime talk show! 

now get off my dress!