revere the olive garden as their "holy grail of culinary cuisine"
me and my equally fabooshka cuz Carey have turned "the mill" in uptown...as we so affectionately refer to it these days...as our all time fav spot to hold our weekly sunday funday AA meet'ns therapy sessions fer the past 5 years or so...we kick back...grab a simply scrumptious slice of the day and try to decipher the mean'n of our so called life over a few bloodies (extra olives w/no extra accoutrements needed fer me) & a brewskie...or perhaps more...fer my cuz...to wash all our temporary troubles away
though it may be a chain...it is most definitely not part of the chain gang...the staff at this particular location have always gone way above and beyond what i would ever expect from any eat'n establishment...by expect'n us every sunday around the noonish hour...fer a few hours and already has our first cocktail pretty much patiently wait'n fer us to appear...we're sorta the Cliff and Norm of the of the abnormals that shutter in and outta the place on any given sunday...minus the dudeness factor
though there are those rare occasional weekends when we're both tied up...sometimes in someone else's bed...and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose cuz we didn't show up at our usual time so they go even further beyond expectations by send'n out an amber alert...it really makes an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe like myself...feel a lil bit more superior than most of the pond scum patrons...which is nice to know they really do care
i...in turn...like to help acclimate any new staff members into our lil VIP section...by ask'n the proverbial question in a very stone like facial expression to see if they are actually pay'n attention..."excuse me but do you have security here?" to which they reply with a very lost and confused look on their face...much like a french kisser would...runn'n a kiss'n booth at a halitosis convention "umm i'm sorry we don't...what can i do to help?"...to which i reply "cuz you brought me a full glass but i think someone has stolen it...can you please bring me another and keep an eye open this time"
from time to time we've even invited others to join in our lil celebratory sunday club...but in time they would all eventually turn into liquor snobs...like they were the Coco Chanel connoisseur of cocktails or somethin'...who were more interested in places that they could be "bein' seen" in fer seconds of lame fame on any social media outlet...that neither of us have time for or quite frankly could give 2 shits about who was around us or what others thought
well it just so happened a couple weeks back that neither of us would be able to make our usual sunday pilgrimage to "the mill"...but i made sure to call ahead to alert the staff...i swear i could hear a few tear drops fall on the other end of the phone as i told them the news...so to help soften the blow...i would fed ex the staff a can of complimentary xanax...they decided to lite a fluster of candles and close fer the day in honor of their most prized and patriotic red-eyed soldiers
from what i can recall...it all started with me bein' ditched fer some bitch by some so called friend after i had already gotten them tickets on my dime to see the amaze'n JAY BRANNAN @ the Triple Rock bar...that they wanted to go to...but instead of call'n the suicide hotline...well...cuz i was gonna kill myself after i killed him fer cancel'n on me...but i calmed myself down and realized...i just can't pull off an orange jumper to save my life...
so instead i licked my irritable wounds and decided to take myself out fer a basket of friendly fuck you fries and a bloody at some shit hole before the show...and trust me...the friendly fuck you fries tasted like a million bucks compared to the shitty bloody clot swill with a sad crippled pickle and 2 down syndromed olives drown'n in their tomato piss...but whatever...i wasn't gonna let it bring me down...that was Jay's job to do with his lovely melancholicness music that would fit perfect with my current state of barely there alcoholicness
after feverishly try'n to get a sympathetick date fer the nite to no avail...i told the ticket taker door slug to give my ticket to the 1st person come'n to the show that still hadn't purchased a ticket yet...i figered this could count as my one charitable act of the year...and a fer sure front row ticket into CASPER's kingdom...in the off chance that i was tragically run down by stampede of water buffalo after the show
i waited near the door to make sure he did as i had asked...as the crowd started to fill up the floor i noticed the 1st guy pull'n benjamins outta out her purse...3 more fans would come thru the line until i noticed a non heterosexual couple pull'n out their pay fer a pair of tickets...and then a much younger and less attractive non homosexual couple came thru and were bein directed to the ATM to get cash out
(hey...i'm just call'n em as i see em kittens)
at first i thought that it was extra benjamins fer cocktails...but i noticed the blonde menstrual cycle rummage'n thru her purse fer pocket change to finish'n cover'n the cover
as they made their way to the bar...i asked the narcoleptic donut trough nazi why he hadn't give'n my purchased ticket away to ANY non payers...he of course blew me off (and trust me...not in the good way) reply'n "i gave it to some girl"...to which i replied "ummm yea whatever dude!" (and trust me when i say...i would never think of utter'n the words "dude...it's soo foreign to me...much like Paris...spend'n a nite with a plethora of scantily clad Playboy bunny's or gett'n rode like a wheel barrel is...wait...strike that last one...that's only a lil foreign to me)
i am not Helen fuck'n Keller...i know what i didn't see...it was a free ticket to pay it forward you gelatinous lump of gluttony...not a fuck'n all-u-can-consume VIP pass to old country barffet Jabba!
after the utter fabulousness of the JAY BRANNAN show...my muff was still miffed and decided to calm my nerves down with a new sett'n and carted my A double snakes over to make an 11 pm appearance to the open'n of the new and 1st non heterosexual bar in uptown...which i have to say...thee most uncreative name...simply title THE GAME...but they should'a simply titled it GAME OVER!
there was no je ne sais quoi anywhere to be seen...it was after all a sports bar...so i wasn't expect'n drag queens lyp-sync'n to some tired Whiney Houston tune...but it still resembled the la isla bonita restaurant before...minus a few tables and chairs...the overall ambiance was about as invite'n as a leper in a 3way
don't even get me started on the hideous overhead Costco lighten'n...which was most definitely not selfie approved...even fer the most experienced photo filtered pro 'mo...cuz lemme tell ya kittens...fags are fickle in this town about look'n good fer a lil tonsil pickle tickle pic to update their profile pic with on the off chance that they might get the chance to get deflowered before sunrise
though i tried have'n a decent time visit'n with the few fergetful friends i didn't plan on runn'n into that nite...the place started thinn'n out 20 minutes later like an anorexic hooked on an arsenic drip...seriously kittens...i've seen bigger open'ns on GRINDR & SCRUFF combined!...i'll give it 12 months
(and that's bein far too generous)
at this point...i realized "the mill" hadn't really lit candles as a sign of solidarity to us fer not show'n up one particular sunday...but more likely put out a voodoo hit on me instead...thankfully i had enough sense to keep my cents tucked at the bottom of my purse...much like my feel'ns fer the whole nite and took my dignity...along with my A double snakes back home and vowed never to shun "the mill" ever ever again!
now get off my dress!
(hey...i'm just call'n em as i see em kittens)
i ran into the somewhat unattractive couple at the bar...and truly tried to feel bad about my assumption...so i asked them if they were give'n a free ticket and they replied they were not and hadda use some of their grocery money to get the ticket...i knew it!
(and that's bein far too generous)
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