some like it hot!

so we’re a couple weeks away from all hell’s even'n…my fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all…

i remember runn’n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer air...at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n hoards of sugar from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...

know’n i wouldn’t become a crispy critter…with it’s flame retardant fabric

unlike those other store brought brands

i’ve concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark

with her front window curtains made of brown polyester (awww)

the follow’n year i made my very first costume as Lily Munster

my first nite out in minneapolis in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams...

and was stuck in it fer 3 days (the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)

when i was Ziggy Stardust i lost out to some twink as baby new year…

i was robbed i tell ya

i’ve done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from the new millenium

and won a free cocktail…big whoop

i’ve was Boy George from the 80’s and won 200 smax…mucho better

lil red ride’n hooker at a VFW in bursville was an interest'n nite

this year though i’m think’n to skip the hot factor and go with creepy

hmmm...we'll see if i break down though to show some leg

in the meantime…i thought i’d give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...
freakiest flix to watch in the dark this season

the original HALLOWEEN...

FRIDAY the 13th

and NIGHTMARE on ELM STREET

all cancelled each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved

so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTIEN

can’t go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and barely could put 2 words together...that's hot!

and what self respect’n freek out there

hasn’t wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich

even if he's like the shopko version of Johnny Depp

apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years earlier…

but they made damn sure she didn’t make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need

starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he has cool green eyes

he just creeps me out all together...and that's kinda hot!

7. AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)

very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all

but the main reason to watch...

ummm…Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE EXORSIST

one of the reasons why i ran away from all the bible thumpers

plus...marinate'n in pea soup

not hot...enough said!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…

it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes!

and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…

eat’n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with attitude

but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington

(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)

this makes the original look like a fairy tale…you will feel the pain

plus scrumptious new comer at the time Eric Balfour (yes pleez!)

(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-

p-a-t-i-o-n!

plus...Peter Hinwood...meeeeeeeeeeeeeouch!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick of all time…

and NO not cuz of her enormous hot “endorsement deals”…

i met her with my good friend Jessica and her friends back in ’94 at a trailer sign’n in anoka of all places dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange

after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!

she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool’n over her chest like starve’n mongolian baboons

and said she was in the process of film’n a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …“THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS”…all I had to do was send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was gaurenteed

(she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back)

it took me 2 years after that meet’n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take’n…the movie came out called
"ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL’S"

but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

now get off my dress!