PARODY or PARADOX?

hey all you non heterosexuals…can i talk to ya fer a second?

my long distance internationally loved superstar friend Jackie Beat

spoke about this very topic once before when she hadda deal with this issue in california a couple years back...but i thought on this week's episode...i'd elaborate a bit more since it now is relevent to the land of 10,000 bottoms...i mean lakes!

(make sure to check out the hidden easter egg links as well)

so i hear a year from now...us minnesotans…as a society…will vote whether or not all non heterosexuals have the right to register fer that his~n~his portable enema cleansing systems...

(well...who wants to punch into "charlie and the chocolate factory"?)

or hers~n~hers strap-ons

(awww....it's pretty...and it's pink...why not!)

these examples are chosen by random…since many educated non homosexuals are well aware that non heterosexuals are capable of nothing more than pure unholy fornication in their eyes

all you non homosexual kittens…stand and unite…

you cannot let this happen!

although i can sympathize with all the non heterosexual kittens and completely understand the predicament they clearly put themselves into from stray’n away from HIS word…let me explain something to you

the institution of marriage is sacred...(and apparently to a select few worth a $100 draw'n)...cuz the union between a non homosexual man and a non homosexual woman is a miraculous and amazing gift that a jealous and vengefully delusional entity....oops...i mean G*D...created for those who follow in his demands...

some things are so rare and beautiful that they must be placed on a pedestal and given unquestionable respect and reverence by society

sexual intercourse between a non homosexual man and a non homosexual woman is one of those things that G*D was referr'n to

i mean really…have you ever heard of a non homosexual couple doing it in the back of a limo on prom night?

use’n hidden night scope cameras to videotape their lovemaking?

or inviting complete strangers to join them in the bedroom?

of course you haven’t!

have you ever heard of a non homosexual man forcing himself on a woman who has clearly said “no” repeatedly?

or a non homosexual female teacher having sex with one of her 13 year-old non homosexual male students?

that’s complete insanity talk’n…cuz it simply NEVER happens!

why you ask?

cuz…unlike you and your non heterosexual luva…G*D is present within each and every non homosexual relationship…and that is why you will never hear horror stories like a non caucasian man killing his non african american wife and her friend with a butcher knife...

or a married austrian government official father’n a child with an illegal alien out of wedlock...

(at the time this was first written...he was with wife...so bite me!)

it just don’t happen like that!

you need further proof that a “normal” non homosexual marriage is sacred?well then...all ya gotta do is look to the stars...

no…not the heavenly stars above…

i’m talk’n about the hollyweird stars who exchange marriage vows as much as they change their undergarments…

a good example would be reality canker sore Kim Kardashian…

her very publicized 2 part series wedd'n made them millions...i mean....
her sacred vows to basketball hottie Kris Humphries was a glorious thing in HIS eyes…(and the 4 million brain dead mashed potatoes that tuned in to watch)

as was her first marriage to music producer Damon Thomas

*URGENT HEARTBREAK'N THIS-JUST-IN TOP STORY NEWS UPDATE*
it brings me...and i'm sure the world...complete sadness to inform you...as i was update'n this blog...excuse me...gimme a minute here...

Kim has filed for divorce after just 72 days of marriage citing
"irreconcilable differences"...(dear lord...won't someone think of their unfertilized future drug addicted rehab children...say it ain't so?)

well...this pretty much means either her fame whore'n...oops i mean hungry...(i always get those 2 confused) mother said her tv rate'ns...much like her clothes...were slipp'n down...and a divorce would...at the very least...give them another annoy'n season to milk the mashed potatoes that tune into their nitely narcissism

or the only thing Kris could offer her was a perfectly useable row boat

and Kim is used to a gigantic ocean liner ram'n her on a nightly basis

either case...dry yer pretty lil eyes...and don't you worry...cuz i’m sure G*D...(the tv sponsors and the mashed potatoes)...will be there with open arms at her next marriage as well!

or for you historians…ol’ violet eyes herself Elizabeth Taylor

made a mockery of matrimony (R.I.P fer all yer hard charity work though)

as did Zsa Zsa Gabor...

but the ladies were'nt the only gold diggers...i mean holy rollers...
who've had the merry-go-round of marriages

guys like Mickey Rooney

and Larry King

did their fair share to balance out the hypocrisy...i mean...the true mean'n and sanctity of a G*D fear'n marriage!

i know i was glued once a week and in tears of joy watch’n full matrimony at it’s finest unfold before my eyes with shows like...

“Britney & Kevin: Chaotic”

"John & Kate Plus Eight"

and who can ferget the holy commitments of "The Bachelor"

and “The Bachelorette”

i totally get why the sanctity of marriage is so utterly important…capitalistic non homosexual marriage passages are found everywhere thru-out the bible somewhere...i’m sure of it

need more proof?...think about all the green card marriages...

mail-order brides…

reality show love connections…

mormon polygamists...

and we can't ferget the women who marry serial killers on death row

with all this "circumstantial evidence"...the argument is settled once and for all…can’t you just hear the birds singing...

while yer G*D nods with approval?

so you see…this is why ME...as a defective non heterosexual...and the other supposed 10% can't get married with good conscious…cuz it just ain’t right…not when you step back and take a good look at marriage and realize just how sacred marriage really is to the non homosexual agenda

(you can insert loud Roseanne Barr laugh here)

in REALITY...some republican party poopers say defending this (waste of time) bill known as the D.O.M.A is gonna cost alot alot of money...

says the speaker of the house...crybaby BONEHEAD

a contract between the House and the private law firm hired to defend
"G*D's law" say that the taxpayers will have to fork over $1.5 million

i can think of 1.5 million other ways to spend that amount of the money

like give'n 1.5 million lotto tickets away to the people who pay these pro-Wall Street numb nuts to stay in office...so they can have a piece of the pie

or better yet...maybe they should be spend'n all this money on other more important press'n issues at hand...like...oh i don't know...

HOMELESSNESS?

EDUCATION?

HEALTH CARE?

like they did in the good ol' days

call me crazy...but it just might be a bit more beneficial in the long run for minneasotans and the entire country...than blow'n it on this bill...don'tcha think?

to top it off...this boobman doesn't even have a clue how to pay fer this legal fight but insists that the Justice Department should foot the bill...
though the agency has given no indication it is planning to follow thru with his request...thankfully!

presimental elephant hopefully-not Rick Perry had a very intelligent comparison to say about this press'n national issue...

“Even if an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol once it enters his body, he still makes a choice to drink,” he wrote. “And, even if someone is attracted to a person of the same sex, he or she still makes a choice to engage in sexual activity with someone of the same gender.”

*ding*ding*ding...you're the winner of this charm'n...beautifully hand crafted...genuine home lobotomy kit by the Acme Corporation

well that's all folks...this is Bob Eubanks...see you next time on

"Burn in the fiery pits of Hell you Non Heterosexual Butt Pirate"

even GOP contender Rick Santorum said "i'll die on that hill..."

pledging to fight for a federal ban on same-sex marriage...and furthered his cause with a MN connection recently in an interview...with MN based
"christian" punk-rock group ministry nut case preacher Bradlee Dean

i'm think'n maybe we should start a collection fer this poor guy

since he's feel'n vulnerable...somethin' in a cherry wood perhaps?

or perhaps with all these twat lick's brain power try'n to ban non heterosexual marriage...maybe they should introduce a bill that would make a federal ban on divorce...this would help cut down the spend'n on the amount of unwed mothers collect'n food stamps and make them more responsible adults...and not kids with credit card debt!

registered republican dirty Harry himself chimed in on this very issue

in close'n...if these 2 can stay together for 40 years…

then other non heterosexual couples should have the right to marry

so simple pimple…EVERYONE should have the equal rights to moan and groan with benefits...if YOU don’t think non heterosexuals should marry…then perhaps YOU shouldn’t think of marry'n one…and get off my dress!

now we struggled comin' down the chute to take our first breath
and we struggle for acceptance from birth to death
but the Lord's too busy try’n to keep the world on it's feet
he ain't got time to give a damn about what goes on between the sheets
~Olivia Newton-John