if i could turn back time

let's hop on our hotwheels and go back in time...shall we kittens!

it was the winter of 95...actually wait...let's go back a lil further...to the summer i did my 1st 69 in 91...when i met my very first minne-apple
"friend" i made off the 1-800-eat-me-i'm-a-danish phone line...

 before all the .com's and grinder's came into production...named Curtis

he was a tall blonde...which...unless you were peroxided pariahs like

my high school hard on Billy Idol or Madonna...i normally had zero interest
sexually in fathom'n sinful fornicational thoughts with you in the room

but Curtis had a presence...and though it only amounted into an occasional hook-up from time to time...i was hooked on him...unfortunately he was also hooked...but on other "recreational entertainment" i couldn't participate in due to that republican toothpick...Nancy...in the 80's...gett'n under my skin

it took about 2 months to FINALLY find out what he did fer a live'n (or at least partime anyways)...as he was worried about my reaction apparently...
and told me i was never to grace the stage...but years later...there i was
and i would carry that same torch when i meet any potential interest...
fortunately for me...i've learned to not give a f*ck about it anymore!

so Curtis took me dowtown to the GAY 90's in downtown minne-apple...

which...at the time...felt like being in line at Studio 54 to me...cuz i was 3 months shy of my legal age to enter a bar...and i had always seen the enormous sign when i would pass by on the bus on my way to work...and so desperately wanted inside this pandora box...it was a far cry from flick'n burs off my garanimals or pick'n weeds in the strawberry fields on the farm

i was totally over the moon when he FINALLY told me he was a perform'n illusionist at the GAY 90's and he could get me in to meet the performers

my 1st taste and fasination with the world of illusion...was thanx in part to being sick one day in 7th grade and watch'n the original Oprah Winfrey

my fav-o-rit open-minded surrogate uncle...the Phil Donahue show

his guest absolutely stunned me...and i was hooked like a junkie on heroin

Jimmy James was his name (and still is kittens...he's not gone to that glittered stage in the sky just yet)...but anywho...i swore it was Marilyn Monroe's reincarnation...back from the dead...cuz he sang "diamonds are a girls best friend" to perfection!

and of course Divine's brilliant performance in the original HAIRSPRAY

i knew become'n a perform'n illusionist was to be my destination!

early one morn'n...at around 2 am...i received a call from Curtis tell'n me to get my ass dressed and meet him downstairs cuz he had a stretch limo with his bevy of beauties inside and wanted me to join them...ummm...ya right!

"i work at 6 am and there ain't no limo in crackville at 2am...g'bye"...i said

curiosity killed this C-U-Next-Time...and sure enough...i go to the window
downstairs...and seen a black stretch limo...wait'n fer me to get in...so i threw on a jacket and my combat boots and out the door i went

as the back door opened...inside i met the best Cher illusionist of the minne-apple...EVER!(Jessica)...Annie Lennox (Marty)...Marion( Jeff)...
Miles...Curtis and another gurl (who's name i can't remember)...who took me on a tour of the minne-apple i'll never ferget

over to the gal's house who was gonna make it after all...

then down around a quick jaunt thru the million dollar homes on lake of the aisles...where the limo driver was ordered to stop...and all 6 beauties
got outta the limo...ran up to this open porched mansion...lifted up their even'n gowns...and proceeded to paint the porch in their alcoholic binge...
as me and the limo driver busted our asses in the limo laugh'n like mad

a postcard that could totally read "welcome to minneapolis...aint' it a drag!"

good times...g-o-o-d t-i-m-e-s!

2 years later...Curtis surprised me with tickets to see my high school hero
Boy George perform'n at the GAY 90's during his solo tour and could get me back stage to meet him...though it never transpired...i was on cloud 9

Boy's look had dramatically changed since his rise with Culture Club...but he still sounded exceptional...though he walked off stage after half way thru the 2nd nite cuz of some non heterosexual's who couldn't shut their traps and was...i'm guess'n...not feel'n very friendly to any of his fans at all

2 years after that... i entered and won a look-a-like contest at the 90's...for the release of Boy George's most excellent cd "cheapness and beauty"

and his 1st brilliant autobiography called "take it like a man"...why not!

contest rules stated i was to recieve an autographed autobiography...and to my surprise...it was not christened with the BOY's john handcock

well...that's cuz...as the mgr told me...i would get exclusive backstage passes to meet and have the BOY personally sign my book...i nearly died!

2nd times a charm right?...HA!...does NO go with WAY?

the nite of the show...i went balls to the walls full on disco devil look
and could barely contain my urinary track...from goin off track...for i was but a few short hours away from meet'n my eye opener at the tender and supple age of 13 when he said so eloquently "do you really want to hurt me"

i had paid for my cuz...his wife and her sis's tickets...all i wanted in return was a couple of cocktails...which my cuz had no problem with fill'n me up!

i ran into the mgr in the restroom of First Avenue where Boy was perform'n

and to my surprise...i was told i hadda "do somethin" fer him first...as he wiped the corners of his mouth with his sticky fingers...yea right pervie!

so i proceeded to get drunk off my ass and tried to figer out my own way backstage...(though i didn't connect the dots til a year later when i was informed by a co-worker who was next to me that nite)...that as the Boy started in on his band's anthem of the 80's smash "karma chameleon"...

i proceeded to blow chuncks at Boy George's feet...fer all that i don't remember that nite...(which was about everything after the bathroom incident)...i was completely mortified!

one of the reasons why i am still here today...my hero...my inspiration...

and he gets his appreciation...from me...paid in puke!

it took 3 times...but i FINALLY met Boy George during his incredible west end production of "TABOO" in London before it opened on Broadway...

and it was a total chance encounter that i would meet my childhood hero
(no...this DID NOT include a restroom romp...you pervie!)

i was leave'n some clothing shop in Leicester Square after spend'n more than i ever wanted to spend on some Ziggy Stardust tee...but so worth it

and i literally bumped chests with the BOY on the cobble stone streets of London...though i could barely say a word...not cuz i was starstruck and hyperventilate'n like some whiney pimple freak...it's cuz i was struck with laryngitis at the time

i was mortified yet again...my hero...and no words to speak...but at least i didn't feel like loose'n my lunch on him this time

it was like a huge domino effect happen'n...

if i never watched Phil...i never would've been hooked on Jimmy James...if i never watched Jimmy James...i never would've been hooked on Curtis...if i never watched Curtis on stage...i...well i probably would've gone to the GAY 90's at some point after i turned 21...but i would've never been hooked to perform there...and if Curtis never gave me tickets to see Boy George at the 90's...i would've never entered some look-a-like contest...
and if i never entered that look-a-like contest...i most undoubtedly would've never up-chucked on the BOY!

it's rare to meet someone whom you've looked up to all yer life or to meet someone who's inspired yer destination in life...i've met them both

10 years would pass before i would cross paths with Curtis again...a few months later...i had heard Curtis had gone to the glittered stage in the sky

i still think about Curtis from time to time when i slap on my war paint fer the stage...and wonder if he wishes he never told me what he did?

then i think he'd just say  "guuurl...you look SICK!" (ps...that's a good thing)

laugh'n...scream'n...tumblin' queen...like the most amaze'n light show...
that you've ever seen...whirl'n...swirl'n...never blue...how could you go and die...what a lonely thing to do ~ Boy George