oh no she di'int!

though this new year is already off to a shitty start...

well cuz inspiration...along with nature...came call'n all at the same time

let's turn the clock back about 72 hours...shall we?

i was in no mood to become a homocicle at 7 am at 7 above one morn'n...

wait'n fer the 8 am locomotive services to escort my perky...yet very chilled...A double snakes back home fer the annual late xmas with Joan Crawford and the clan of the cave bears...but there i was...stand'n in line amongst the college guys a gang of ramen noodle bonger boys and the crypt keep'n bingo buddies that had been marinate'n in bengay and brandy fer the better part of the month...

so an hour and half later...after my nipples had turned into miniature stalagmites...and my brain had formed into an igloo...i finally hopped aboard the ornrymental express and off we went...it was all such a "some like it not" experience fer me...there would be no intermission with jazz play'n non homo panty players entertain'n the masses on their low income asses...but fer the price of 2 moderately priced martini's...ehhh...i had no reason to complain fer the many reasons that i should

once i had finally arrived on the train bound to nowhere special...

i rang my lovely sister the reason that neurotic disorders exist in the dictionary...to pick me up at the station...popped 3 percocets...downed a family sized can of red bull...and off i went...drive'n with Miss Crazy...to run errands for the festival of foolery...but let's be honest here kittens...what i was really super excited fer was the only reason i survive the holiglazed season fer the past 20 some years...and that was to collect my annual offer'n from my ever charm'n...extremely lovable...non sexual experience (well only cuz she don't have a throat plunger to pleez me) my very dear friend PEETRINELLA

when she emailed me earlier in the week and told me she was goin...

rogue again this year...i thought...hmmm...innerest'n...

just like my b-day a few years back?

after i had purchased a spank'n new pair of shit kickers...

from the local island of misfit mismatches at fleet farm...(don't ask why...it's my thing) i texted PEETRINELLA...and she said i could come over by 6:45...we decided it would be best if i arrived at her castle by 6:44...as i could not wait one minute longer...since i hadn't received ANY worthy monetary offer'n the entire damn holiday...

except fer a lovely pine flavored part'n gift i received...after the beautiful feast my VP prepared...from my CEO and VP...which apparently was not meant to be consumed 

(why don't they put directions on these things?)

i had a few hours to get wasted...so i popped in to visit the world's cutest and my fav-o-rit great nipple bite'n bucket of puke...Miss Lily and my niece Arielle and her baby make'n machine gun Devin

after a few hours of rile'n the lil rascal up...it was time fer this aunty to milk a bottle of bourbon infused deliciousness...so off to PEETRINELLA's i went

by the time i had arrived...i was absolutely flabbergasted...no small servant to greet me at the door to hang my not so faux furless coat that i had bludgeoned to death with my air asia airlines advantage visa card and serve me a glass of chilled memory eraser...i mean seriously...why the fuck have kids then?

instead...PEETRINELLA hollered at me from across the room to come in since she couldn't be bothered to remove herself from her obnoxiously...

 comfortable couch...so apparently my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe card no longer has it's privileges in her presence these days...FINE...i get it...you've earned it...since you created this chaos to begin with

we gave each other the complimentary phony compliments..."oh it's so nice to see you...you look great!"...and then she said..."here you go...time to open yer present"...i looked at it with absolute disgust...PRESENT? why is there no S at the end of that command?...i hadda sell my dignity to the highest low life i could find to lavish you with treasures untold that you personally hand selected on amazon.com...and i get a P-R-E-S-E-N-T?

i felt like i had just fall'n into a time warp back to 1982...when i was nothing less than a mere simple uncomplicated mess of beauty with a glimmer of hope fer my future...when i asked Joan fer Prince's 1999 cassette tape...

and instead that fateful xmas morn'n...as i was open'n my PRESENT...only to be presented with the Fred Mann orchestra performs the hits to Prince's 1999 cassette...with the original Woolworth's price tag barely cling'n on fer dear life after Joan had managed to scratch off the mountain of discount stickers on top of it...as if it were some sorta lottery card...though our heritage is irish...she might as well have been jewish

but i'll save that fer the next couch concert

so with the smile that i was forced to glue to my face...

(with the help of a bungee cord wrapped around my tender throat)...i sat at PEETRINELLA's kitchen table...under the heavy spotlight as her assistant Lulu placed my fingertips into the gingerbread lie detector house at the center of the table...so she could take a read'n of my actual feel'n of said PRESENT...and as she handed it to me...which weighed about as heavy as a small headstone...i meticulously opened her offer'n with heartfelt sorrow anticipation and glee...hope'n not to give away to my sheer disappointment that there would be no others to open...as my eye's welled up in their respected corners

unfold'n the 1st flap of her perfectly wrapped gift...i felt like i was bein' molested by PEETRINELLA's excitement...who desperately hoped that i

hadn't already received such an offer'n...and by that she knew that i would'a hadda purchase it fer myself...but all i could see written in black ink was 809/999 in the corner of the box...hmm...i figered it was either my headstone encrusted entirely outta swarkovski jewels which i know she would know i would want for my final destination (*wink*wink)...or it was a year's supply of turtle wax...which would be her way of say'n "this is fer yer brand new pinto blow about you can buy with yer settlement"
 (that story in a future blog)

i released the gigantor box from the clutches of the christmas wrap...and flipped open the top...and i completely FLIPPED OUT!...NO FUCK'N WAY!...you CANNOT DO THIS TO ME PEETRINELLA...OMCHER!

i hit no whammie...I HIT THE JACKPOT!!!

fer inside the box...was ANOTHER BOX...and inside THAT box...

was THE HOLY MUTHA FUCK'N GRAIL of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe world!

it was the limited edition coffee table book of BOY GEORGE...

which includes the vinyl of rare unreleased musical record'ns of one BOY GEORGE

here is just a sample'n of what's inside "THE KING OF QUEENS"...

the live'n diary of the man called BOY that i've stuck to thru the hits and the heroin...from hell and back

i love the QUEEN's SEX BOOK that i recite religiously at sunday mass...

while i'm in some sunday ass...but this book means sooo much more...since i didn't have to pay fer it outta pocket

i've already encased it in titanium gold and installed my security system...

and the ONLY way ANYONE will ever been able to see it in person of course...is if they bring their OWN hazmat suit to my shitbox and a small entrance fee of course

but DAMMIT ALL TO H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STIX...PEETRINELLA!!

you trumped me B-E-Y-O-N-D B-E-L-I-E-F this year....and quite frankly...i don't even wanna know the unspeakable acts she had her daughter and husband go thru...to collect enough funds to purchase said GRAIL...i'm just glad she made them do it...BUT ya know what this means don'tcha kittens?

that 's right...her b-day is in a few short weeks...and now I'LL have to subject myself to unspeakable acts that i'll probably enjoy doin...and probably 3 rounds of STD tests to even come half way to afford what her daughter and husband had to succumb to...to get me this HOLY GRAIL

but there were also other things that i really needed though this year...

and i'm glad my brother and sister-n-law got me it...i'll treasure it fer as long as i CAN...get it?

now get off my dress!