once upon a time...

one of my all time fav-o-rit bedtime stories...as a very small...

but very important up and come'n unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe was...

"WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE"

i can remember this bein' read to me by my incredibly loveable cuz's Carey and Shelly when they'd babysit me and the rest of my sibs on the farm...

i...like Max had...and still have...

a very active imagination

i was never much of a reader...i am read to...but trust me...if you TRY and read me...i WILL crucify you on yer cross!

move'n on...

so i was reminisce'n recently of other childhood fav's that i wished i'd been able to have read...but never bothered to...cuz if they're any good...

you know they'll make em into a movie...right?

so let's take a trip down mammary lane at other beloved books...shall we?

one of my other all time fav's is the story about tough love in...

"Pimpin' Pete"

(gots hot little bitches in heat)

6 grade ain't easy when you wanna be the coolest kid in the classroom...
with the pressures of try'na stay at the top of yer game...without take'n any of the blame...bein' decked out in the latest dungarees from Denmark...while map'n out yer terrain around yer block in yer super hot BMX bike...with mega booster wheels...kittens...that don't come cheap!
in order fer lil Pete to live the lifestyle he feels he's entitled to...since mommy and daddy won't fork over a goddamn dime...so when life gives him "lemons" that follow him around like the pied piper...Pete does the next best thing....and turns those "lemons" into a bonifide work'n machine and rents em out to rake the neighbors yards...wash their cars...and clean the out the trash in local bars...while collect'n all the profits fer his piggy bank and just toss's them a wink and an unwarranted promise that he'll be theirs ferever...or at least until the 10th grade

hey do you remember the classic tale of what to do in bad weather?

"Taking Trips on Rainy Days" 

this was the story about Mildred teach'n her lil tinker bell...Tommy...how to cope with the slings and arrows of an imperfect world...that will most likely be aimed towards him...from classmates and local parishioners...after she found back issues of "INCHES" hidden deep in his britches drawer...while give'n him the proper technique to "perform" without scrape'n his teeth along those "throat plungers"

then there's that one about learn'n how to live alone...

"My Parents are Fighting Again"

(the story of Timmy's home away from a broken home)

this is the sad story of how Timmy has to take shop class as an elective in order to build his own future in the backyard...after mommy catches daddy on the baby monitor...take'n the babysitter on one too many "long ass rides" in the tool shed...and poor Timmy is always stuck pick'n up the shattered dish wear scattered all along the kitchen floor...along with his shattered life

one of the most beloved books about narcissism and jealousy...

"Dear God...Please Kill my Little Sister"

this easy to read between the lines story...explores what happens when lil Sally steals the spotlight one too many times from big brother Charlie who had full run of the household...the bank account and his parents affection...when it was just him in the home fer the 1st 12 years...one nite...as mommy and daddy desperately wanted to rekindle their love...by catch'n a movie at those theaters with a "back room"...Charlie gets his 1st job in responsibility and has to babysit Sally...and not long after the front doors closes and mommy and daddy fade into the mist...Charlie sends lil Sally to bed...but as Charlie turns off the lights...Sally curled under the covers terrified...whimpers "Charlie...pleez don't turn out the lights,,,i see monsters in the dark!"...Charlie exclaims as he lowers his head and raises one eyebrow "Sally pipe down...those aren't monsters...those are just yer clothes...try'n to m-u-r-d-e-r you!"...trust me...this'll make you sleep with one eye open fer the rest of yer life

teach yer lil vaginal wart that mosquito bites don't have to last forever with...

"My First Little Boop Job"

the story about a shy...sweet lil detective named Suzy...who decided to fight fire with fire...by blackmail'n the biology teacher into pay'n fer her double dd's whom she caught jack'n off the janitor...so she can get straight A's in high school...without have'n to moonlight as stripper fer the principle at the Hurry Back Inn

christmas is a great time to be charitable...but nothin' says christmas like...

"Santa says No Toys for Poor Kids"

this heart warm'n holiday classic teaches kids of all ages...that after ol' Saint Nick's been runn'n a sweat shop full of hard work'n...underpaid...ungrateful lil elves...try'n to meet a december 24th deadline fer years...loose'n his looks to his waistline...and the Misses always screen'n his mail...the last thing this ol' fat ass wants as a reward is dried out toll house cookies and a glass of ulcer soothin' moo juice...so he opts to visit only those smarty britches with bank accounts...who leave behind stocks and bonds...rolex watches...and low ball of cherry infused bourbon...served by a lady of the nite to drop his low balls onto

and who could ferget the mystical imagination in...

"Drugs are Magic"

here you'll learn how Amanda Peeonme went from teenage terror to town tramp...with a lil help from her friends...Mr. Hypodermic Needle...Rubbie Hose...Quay Ludes...and Krystal Meth...(no relation to Krystal Kleer of course...the only thing that gets her high...is her heels) Amanda knows more tricks than a rodeo clown...and after a nite of non stop party'n...her uncontrollable desires take over...until she has a complete breakthru with her breakdown...discover'n the magic of easy uploadable imagery on xtube when she's not in control of the situation...by the next morn'n...at the office

remember the cost of try'n to discover you talents in...

"Will You Stop that Damn Noise"

grown'n up is never easy...especially when yer a prodigy child...try'n to try out fer the school band...with a  mother who's been ride'n the cotton pony fer the better part of yer childhood...while dear ol' dad is watch'n a marathon of "my lil girl ain't so lil anymore" in his bvd's..with is buddies Jimmy Beam...Johnny Walker and Jose Quervo

you'll be green with envy...with read'n another holiday classic...

"The Adventures of the Pedophile Leprechaun"

Pipp'n will be dripp'n in his drawers when he learns a boy named Peter at the end of the rainbow is not full of gold...and alot harder to crack his cracker in than he thought...without the proper spermicidal jams and jellies

and nothin' says learn to earn yer own live'n like...

"My First Meth Lab"

this will give every boy and girl the "how to" tools to not waste mommy's hard earned benjamins she earned ever since daddy moved into the "big house"...after catch'n him try'n to take on mommy's tennis partner Diamond...who works as a weekend dancer in Vegas...and discovered daddy wasn't bein totally honest with the IRS

well there ya have it kittens...so take some time out and read any or all of these classics to yer lil kittens to teach them how to become irresponsibly responsible adults...before it's too late and they end up turn'n tricks in some Taiwanese steakhouse back room or appear'n on some daytime talk show! 

now get off my dress!