a whole lotta nutt'n goin' on!

a few months back...at the beginn'n of last year...a friend of mine asked if i'd like to help celebrate his last year in his 30's...before he had to start stitch'n a gown and have it completed in time for his AARP discount card

destination: OPRAHVILLE

but since i had already planned on sell'n my soul fer MADONNA tickets

i hadda decline...but he decided to gimme his miles and take care of my room...as long as i got him drunk...so what gurl wouldn't skip-to-my-lou!

well...let me tell ya...what happens in gaytown...doesn't necessarily stay in gaytown...sometimes it falls into a lovely  little blog center piece...BUT...

i have more tackling issues to resolve these days...like which base...lipstick and eyeliner looks good on you when shopp'n fer tasty spermicidal jams and jellies...NOT!

so...where shall i begin?...hmmm...i know...how about THE HEELS!

OH FER SHAME!...they had THEE most brilliant glittered green 6 inch Louboutin knock off pieces of heaven at my fav-o-rit heel haunt in gaytown...but only ONE PAIR to be had...i felt like Cinder-fuck'n-fella gett'n ready to rumble...as they were a ½ size TOO SHORT for my hooves!....(i knew i should gotten my feet bound like a lil geisha girl at the tender and supple age of 25...like most do...right?)

of course ya can't have heels without hair...am i right ladies and gentiles?

so...not 1...but 2 platinum blondes later...the 1st one very Veronica Lake

the 2nd pile of synthetic follicles was very Kate Pierson of B-52's fame

and Krystal's 1st EVER...pearl necklace...made entirely outta krystals...

not that this was MY 1st pearl necklace mind you...*wink*wink*wink*

(hey Krystal ain't called the dirty gurl fer nutt'n) 

but this was the 1st one i ever had to pay for in my life!

another Krystal 1st was the purchase of what i thought would look like...

shapely Marilyn Monroe-esque hip shappers...

turned out to look more like i was toast'n hamburger buns on my hips...so i'll need to do some altercations before i would ever wear them in public

so now what you've been wait'n fer...the hedonistic portion of my vacation

i'll make this short~n~sweet...without gett'n yer mind all sticky!

though i am unable to connect to...since i'm still apparently live'n in the stone ages of communicado with my rotary style flip phone...(at the time)

but was WELL educated with my flock of mo's i was in town with...the art of GRINDER and SCRUFF the entire weekend!

i cannot comment on their shenanigans...as i was not present fer all 10 or so of them...let's just say...i don't want...nor desire the need to be on some electronical dart board of self consciousness at every given moment...

even if my flock decided they couldn't walk 2 feet without check'n in and check'n out within the 50 ft radius of raw animalistic instincts around them...not judge'n...just say'n!

i...on the other hand...was focused on my mission of gett'n a new frock and in no mood to do the walk of shame from some piper fitter's porch at 4 am

look'n to poach my eggs...who's shelf life was pretty much about to go bad!

that is...until nite number 3...

when my temporary non heterosexual sexually charged bed buddy...whom i found attractive...but was not attract to sexually...decided to be an out-a-towner at some tally whacker's palace fer nite #2 and #3 (since i wasn't need'n any nutt'n) after another fun nite of bar hopp'n and bedroom eyes all around...i returned back to the hotel...alone

unable to count sheep...i decided to take a drive along the informational highway at 3 am to see if there were any hitch hikers that needed a lift

why not!

at 1st it was the usual A double snakers that wouldn't leave you alone

followed up by the desperado villagers that lost out at last call by bar close

then...it's as if the pearly gates flung w-i-d-e open (and YES...read all you want into that)...let the pun(s) begin!

this non heterosexually charged adonis hits me up...and turns out he's only 1 1/2 blocks away from my hotel room...hmmm...OH MY CHER what to do?

WHAT TO DO?

well...since i'm a guest in gaytown...and had the room to myself...i thought to myself...i said self...how many times in the past 15 years that you've been cruise'n along the informational highway...hit on by some adonis...
only to show up to some bad false advertisement nightmare? FUCK THAT!

they're either some mr. magoo and master of their own misery

or some twink with no dink...look'n more like some miss'n link...into kink!

then why the hell am i dress'n up to march myself over to him?

(ummm...cuz yer like a moth to a flame)...oh yea...that's right!

so down the hall to the elevator...and out the front doora...

thru the streets of some fairly unknown city at 3 am...fer some good ol' sodom and gomorrah!

though i'm not much of a gambler these days...and even though cabrini green was no where near where i was stay'n...nor carries the same horror stories as it once did back in the day...it had been over 90 days...and the revirginalization process had just begun...kittens...i suffered ENOUGH!

as i made my way up the elevator to the dark shawdow's apartment...

i figered 2 things were most likely goin' to happen to me:

#1 his photo is a complete fake and i am no desperado villager...so at the very least...i will have gotten my cardio done fer the day

#2 he's some ax wield'n homocidal maniac...in which case...it's always a good rule of thumb to leave the number and address where you are goin' at the current place you are stay'n...so it'll make it easier fer the cops...

to locate yer body...so i always put my angela lansbury cap on when venture'n to unknown territories

turns out all the rules were thrown out the door...cuz when i walked thru what would now come-2-b-known as the "pearly gates"...i won the long shot!

as the door opens...i hesitate briefly before invite'n myself in...his cherry red ikea fold out couch looks like a million bucks in his studio shitbox...

as did his split bamboo curtains from target's safari collection

we stare...look'n into each others eyes...at our reflections...make'n sure we're picture perfect in case the camera's were roll'n

it's as if he had just walked off the cover of someone's fav-o-rit porn mag

(no need to adjust yer vision kittens...this is ACTUALLY HIM in full bloom)

he wraps his incredibly toned arms around me...

carress'n my incredibly toned A double snakes

we fall dramatically backwards into his couch bed...which was remarkably open...and as i leaned over to turn off the lamp and the modular furniture

faded into the mist...he started kiss'n me...like i hadn't be kissed in years...and he wanted me...he wanted me inside him...but all of a sudden i said STOP!...do you have any rubbers?

would you mind putt'n one on?...while yer at it...make it 2!

and i would feel just a whole alot better if you would apply some spermicidal jams and jellies to the area...we all know we've both been around!

i stopped...in the name of love

but i just wanted him to know...that no matter where...no matter how far...i want him to be able to look up into the sky and wish on his lucky star...cuz if he should ever need me...i'll be there in a hurry on that he can depend...

and mister (what's yer name again?) please don't e-v-e-r worry!

ain't no mountain high enough...ain't no valley low enough...ain't no river wide enough to keep me from you hoo!

hmmmm... i know i've heard that somewhere before?

he asked fer my name...and i thought what's the harm in that bit of info...

"BITCH...I'M MADONNA!"

anyways...all in all...i give his performance...3 1/2 monkey spanks outta 4

well...that's my trip kittens...hope you enjoyed yer voyeuristic view and fer those gett'n ready to point fingers and judge...i assure you...no money...or canned goods were exchanged...just 2 ships that passed in the horny nite!

now get off my dress!