are full of himalayan pig shit!...so there i was...on my 1st non pressurized...non sexualized date in roughly 2 years...with 3 months of back and forth chitter chatter about everything...well about everything EXCEPT sex...(which mind you...i have absolutely ZERO prob doin still...my junk still works without any pharmaceutical magically delicious blue pills) but it was just nice...i decided to pick him up in my pinto blow-about...barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer one day after work...and the 1st thing he has to say after make'n me sit and wait 10 minutes fer his supply bubbly A double snakes (hey i'm no Helen Keller) to stop look'n thru his binoculars to see if i really was worth the elevator ride down from his boudoirs...and says "hmmm...yer wear'n rainbow colored gloves?"
well...i'll just let you imagine how this fairytale played out on yer very own
so the follow'n day i decided to take myself on a much long awaited date...with MEEEEE...and said to myself...i said self...keep yer hands where i can see em...and no patty cake'n when we get home
i decided to find myself in the 3rd row at the fabulous Cyndi Lauper/Harvey Fiernstein musical on the close'n nite in St Paul MN...all was goin absolutely magical...THAT IS...until right before the 1st intermission...with one song left to go and the lead hottie...Charlie...that i swore was sing'n directly to MEEEEE durin' the entire performance...well cuz we were gonna run off to Switzerland and raise mongolain whistle children from the Madonna Malawi collection...collapsed on stage!
i was mortified...was it cuz of the reflection from my CUNT cap that i recently purchased in boystown...that was highly recommended to me by these 2 KD Lang...card carry'n home depot lezbitronix shopp'n next to me...that blinded my future ferry-tale to fall so helplessly on stage in front of hundreds and be carried off by 2 equally yummilicious stage hands?
i thought...OH WELL...ain't this just a crock a shit of a weekend all around!
so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around...and researched how all those fairy tales i read about as a small...but highly influential...pre internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...made me believe everything was gonna turn out all rainbows and unicorns when i grew up...W-E-L-L...turns out...it never really worked out like we thought fer anyone in those stories
they're were ALL full of shit!...like fer instance...
remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...
well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....
then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...
but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...
one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...
well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...
and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen
turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...
try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that hole...into a crazy and wonderful world that consisted of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters
well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....
years later...would end up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a complete lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross the border back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell
then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...
who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and would also help clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..
but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...
Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet...well young Red had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master in a pissed stained holly hobby gown and snapped goin' all ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...
after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol' hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole
one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...
beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts
well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...
but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel
and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen
who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again
turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...
and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!
so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...
yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years
thee end...now get off my dress!
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