it always ends up somehow as a demonic twisted and tawdry saturday nite special from satan's lair...that i never really wanted...nor cared to star in...so before you go any further kittens...get yerself a ticket to the catch up train fer a quick flashback to where it all began in pt. 1 here...before you pull outta the station
are we all on the same page now?
well...buckle up cuz it don't get any better i'm afraid...kick back and pop a prozac and enjoy the torment'n continuation to: ROTTEN TO THE CORE
i finally landed with all my senses in tact at Laguardia airport...look'n impossibly fresh faced and innocently naive and gitty...like a young fantastically spastic Valarie Bertinelli (hey i'm tell'n the story...so put that finger of judgement where the sun don't shine)
i contacted my bnb host as to the quickest (and let's be real...CHEAPEST)
route to get to my temporary palace and he informed me unless i packed my broomstick or ruby slippers...that the best mode of transportation would be a shuttle to port authority cuz he was blocks from there and it would be approximately 40 min...
hey...i may be a bit anal...but i work best on a time table
little did i know...i was gonna be accompanied by a gaggle of castaways...
that i just wanted to cast away from my shuttle...goin on a damn 3 hr tour practically around the airport and then the city (well it was only 1 1/2 hrs)...but you feel my pain...don'tcha?
as i was the 2nd to the last bein dropped off...i took a deep breath and
finally deshuttle'd at the port authority and text'd my host Elliot (fer security purposes...Elliot will be played by hollyweird heartthrob Matt Dillon...well cuz he had that Dillon villain quality about him...you'll understand soon enough) plus...after my russian host had canceled on me with no reason a week before i was to fly out...Elliot was the perfect runner up...looks wise anyways...cooooome on...it's shallow...i know...but you live fer it!
so he texted me to walk 6 short blocks and i'd be at his place...ya right?
S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y...does he not know that i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...where there ain't nothin' short about the blocks in NY...plus...i already had completed my calisthenics before i left the Minne-Apple
i mean...i wasn't expect'n Morgan to meet me at the port authority...but would'a killed Elliot to meet me half way...that's all i'm say'n!
by now it was almost 10 minutes til my next nervous break down....
so i dropped off my shit as we gave each other the proverbially welcome'n shoulder hugs and crotch tugs...then it was off to his friends bar directly across the street so i could drown myself in my ritual cosmo and endless banter and bullshit with the locals...
this would continue fer the next 5 hours and some countless minutes after the next...from bar to bar...east of Hell's Kitchen to the West Village...and of course bein' my 1st time in the BIG APPLE fer PRIDE...i expected it would be packed as all H-E-doule hockey stix out...with the many different flavors of faggotry and faggotry hagess's...
but with the high humidity the city was experience'n that nite...it was more like sweaty salami and sardine city
by 2:30...Elliot ran into his x at whatever bar we were at...where i wanted
to seriously barf...not cuz of the booze intake mind you...but cuz of the bad stench...we're talk'n vomit valley...so decide'n to call it a nite...we all 3 skipped to my loo...to my new boo's bunker...well...cuz nature was call'n me off the hook fer like the past hour or so...and i wasn't about to take a number in line at the bars...when i was about ready to drop a couple of em off myself!
back at my home sweet home...i was ready to bust like a baboon in june
little did i know that once i pulled up my culottes and returned to the mini party in the other room...that i would be give'n the chance to audition fer the apparent stage production of breaking bad!
WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
i was sooo damn tired at this point...i wasn't in any mode to point the finger of judgement at anyone...let alone my host and his half naked henchman
i just respectfully declined and started count'n sheep in the other room with one eye open and dreamt of some sugar daddy that would take me away from all this by morn'n...unfortunately...it would never come to fruition
by morn'n...i contacted my fav-o-rit filthiest bitter blonde and international
youtube sensation MISS SHERRY VINE...(who i once had the pleasure to work with years back in the Minne-Apple at the Varsity Theater in Dinkytown and a moment in time i shall never ferget...now that i wrote myself a lil note here) to find out when and where i could catch one of her many PRIDE productions and was told to meet her at Intermezzo...so i wrapped my freshly showered nubile body in a simple full length Gaultier knock off from the bottom bins at the salvation army...
but quickly found out...i was just a bit over dressed fer the PRIDE weather when i got outside that morn'n
once i rearranged my DNA from the puddle i had become...i made my way to the SHERRY show...and trust me...she DID NOT disappoint...like so many others pretty much everyone i've ever worked with in the past back home
after the show...i met a local on the street who was put under a spell by...
the billboard that i was apparently display'n on my noggin...and he'd become my partner in crime fer the remainder of the day...into the wee hours of the morn'n
it's always nice to get serviced from the boys in blue...
and of course no PRIDE would be complete without a visit to where it ALL began!
my day was full of 1st's...my 1st trip to the Chelsea Piers...my 1st PRIDE parade in the Big Apple...my 1st throat plunge'n proposal in some seedy bathroom bar in the West Village...my 1st attempt at gett'n pick pocket'd...
all the 1st's i'd always never expect'd...but glad i got to fulfill...unfortunately though...the ONE crucial 1st that i really deserved...and longed for...was never delivered in today's episode...
so i'm sorry...but you will not be hear'n about me sail'n away with some all mighty seaman/semen (explore the possibilities with that one on yer own) or swabb'n some almighty deck/dick (here we go again)..and though i still had 2 more days to fulfill my 1st's (well on this trip anyways...don't judge kitten!) i thought i could end it here...but i just can't cuz there's sooo much more...besides...i'm famished...and i ain't gett'n paid to write this shit...so come back next week fer the annoy'n conclusion to:
ROTTEN TO THE CORE
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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