pack'n it up!

well...now that the Mueller investigation is sorta outta the way...

and Robert has turned over his trapper keeper from his 2+ year exploration into that mentally deranged pigshit in the oval office to the DOJ...ALL that was found...was that there was no collusion...we still gotta wait on the obstruction case and then of course there's the Southern District investigation...so all you brain dead trumpet gimps don't start blow'n yer horns and point'n yer fingers like some spastick seamonkey with turrets...cuz it ain't over yet!

in the mean time...i figered we outta take a breather...unwind & camp'n it up...why not tell some ghost stories while roast'n chemically flavored marshmallows over an open fire...and wash'em down with shots of some shitty fireballs left over from yer kids ouija party...so we all can ferget about about it fer a mere minute

well...actually...i got a better idea...fuck the bugs...and hit the rugs

by shipp'n yer lil shit rags away fer the week to yer aunt Orlean's...and camp out in front of yer brand new color magnovox...with a bottle of yer best mind eraser and catch up with thee campiest movies out there

so grab yer emotional support dog...and why not check out my fav-o-rit

13 classic campers

#13 "FLASH GORDON"

this british campolicious sci-fi masterpiece from 1980...stars Sam J. Jones as the hunk-o-rama NY jets quarterback FLASH GORDON...who's forced to travel with Dr. Zarkov and Dale Arden to the planet Mongo to stop Ming the Merciless from blow'n up the earth...all while bein accompanied by the incredible soundtrack of QUEEN..and headdresses any queen would kill for

fav-o-rit quote "FLASH...FLASH...i love you...but we only have 14 hours to save the earth"

#12 "SID AND NANCY"

though drugs may make you feel like a cool mountain breeze...they're not funny...unless of course yer deal'n with the over the top performance by Chloe Webb as Nancy Spungen...the obsessed heroin groupie to punk rocker Sid Vicious played by Gary Oldman from the band SEX PISTOLS...

fav-o-rit quote "i look like fuck'n Stevie Nicks in hippie clothes"

#11 "LUST IN THE DUST"

though every one of the late great DIVINE's movies are considered absolute camp classics...here's one that wasn't directed by John Waters...this 1985 gem spoofs the western flicks made famous by Mr. Eastwood years earlier...take'n place south of the border in Chile Verdi...starr'n DIVINE as Rosie Velez...the dancehall girl lost in the desert on a quest to be rescued by shoot'em up bandido Tab Hunter as Abel Wood on a mission to find the buried treasure hidden in the hills...also starr'n Lainie Cazan as saloon boss Marguerita Ventura with an unrepentant sexual appetite

fav-o-rit quote "only a few more little miles...only a few more itsy bitsy...eeny weeny little miles...and then you can drop dead...you miserable hunk of shit!"

#10 "PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT"

from the land down under...i was so OBSESSED with this up lift'n comedy from 1994...i should'a been committed...about friendship...fantastic adventures...and feathers...starr'n Hugo Weaving as the married Mitzi...Guy Pearce as the flex'n Felicia...and Terence Stamp as transitional Bernadette...after Bernadette loose's her lover to a peroxide exfixation...she along with Mitzi and Felicia pack there bags fer an adventure thru the australian outback..and what an adventure it becomes

fav-o-rit quote "now listen here you mullet...why don't you just light your tampon and blow your box apart...cuz that's the only bang your ever gonna get sweetheart"

#9 "GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS"

released in 2003...this rip roar'n romp about a dysfunctional dreamer VARLA JEAN MERMAN...a delusional derelict COCO PERU and a dilapidated drunk Evie...are roommates live'n together under one roof...learn'n to make the most of their pathetic lives...and filled with more one liners than the back rooms of studio 54

fav-o-rit quote " COCO...i've had more children pulled out of me than a burn'n orphanage"

#8 "WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE"

a hidden treasure from 1996 follows Dawn Weiner...played by Heather  Matarazzo...as the quirky misfit middle child...live'n with unattentive parents...a brainiac older brother and a snot-nosed beauty queen lil sister...try'n to cope with her own insecurities grown'n up in the 7th grade

fav-o-rit quote "i don't mean to be a cunt"

#7 "BREAKFAST ON PLUTO"

though released in 2005...this indy irish flick is set in the 1970's...a come'n of age story starr'n Cillian Murphy as Patrick Braden...known simply as "KITTEN"...a trans woman who leaves the small minds of her hometown in Ireland fer the big streets of London in search of love...her long lost mother and herself

fav-o-rit quote "if i wasn't a transvestite terrorist...would you marry me?"

#6 "PARTY GIRL"

the perfect reflection of the times in 1995...starr'n funny gal Parker Posey as Mary...the party queen of the clubs...with an addiction to clothes...as well as chemically enhanced nites...gets arrested after throw'n an illegal rave one nite...and calls her distant aunt to bail her out

fav-o-rit quote "i would like a nice...powerful...mind-alter'n substance...preferably one that will make my unborn children grow gills"

#5"PSYCHO BEACH PARTY"

stick a 50's psycho-thriller...a 60's beach party and a 70's slasher flick in a blender...and you'll get this 2000 camp-o-rama smoothie...starr'n Lauren Ambrose (from Six Feet Under fame) as 16 year old Chicklet...a tomboy desperately yearn'n to be part of the "it" crowd with the Malibu surfers

fav-o-rit quote "i've never been to an orgy before...what do i wear?"

#4 "MEDUSA: DARE TO BE TRUTHFUL"

released in 1991 comes this beyond brilliant made for tv mockumentary of MADONNA's documentary "TRUTH OR DARE"...starr'n Mtv's comedic darl'n of her weekly show "JUST SAY JULIE"...when Mtv was still cool...this lil red headed head of henna hair Julie Brown...created...wrote and starred as the QUEEN of the dance floor...give'n a glimpse into the life of what really is funny about goin on the road as a megastar...also starr'n a very young Kathy Griffin...Chris Elliot and Bobcat Goldthwait...rumor has it M herself found most of the film funny after view'n it back in the day...and sent Julie a half empty bottle of warm champagne as a consolation prize fer her deadpan impression...which Julie replied "it was really expensive champagne...but it had Madonna spit in it"

littered from bein' to end with famous zippers...my fav-o-rit quote to her therapist on the cell phone..."what do you mean yer not come'n with me on the tour?...i thought with the amount of money i was pay'n you...i was your only patient!...come on...you have to come with me...you said i was "borderline"...i even wrote a song about it!"

#3 "WITHOUT YOU I"M NOTHING"

another tv special released in 1991...from comedic legend SANDRA BERNHARD's off broadway hit of the same name...explore'n the connection between a superstar and her audience...with sound bites from Steve Antin and Lu Leonard...accompanied by melancholic musical numbers that only this jewess can pull of with the greatest of ease

fav-o-rit quote "when i was a little girl...i used to go home from lunch every day...and i'd pretend that my mother was a waitress in a roadside cafe..."i'll have a side order ma'am"...a side order consists of a white meat tuna...a dollop of mayonnaise...some carrot strips and potato chips...and then i'd sit at the counter...and ignore her!"

#2 "HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH"

a tony award winn'n smash musical on broadway...that originally was an off broadway production turned into the indy hit camp musical back in 2001...tells the story of german immigrant boy...live'n in a trailer in kansas...who becomes the an internationally ignored rock goddess after a botched sex operation

fav-o-rit quote "i had tried sing'n once back in Berlin...they threw tomatoes...after the show...i had a nice salad"

and now the moment you've ALL been wait'n for...the creme-de-la-creme fer the creme-de-la-femme...you'd have to be live'n under a pile of rocks to not know about this chef-d'oeuvre...the movie more camp than friday the 13th or David combined...

#1 "MOMMIE DEAREST"

as if ANY introduction needs to be said about this cinematic masterpiece...the entire movie is littered with one liners that is the backbone that camp scripts kill for

let's leave it to an ABBA musical accompaniment to showcase the reason why this movie IS NOT to be missed

well...there ya have it kittens...enjoy the shows...and PUHLEEZ...

get off my dress!

the ROSE

🍀thanx for the memories 🍀

survey says...

awwww...we've all experienced that 1st time at some point

in yer prepubescent lives...when you wanted to be a MOLLY yearn'n fer yer JAKE...where millions of flutterbies suddenly pull a surprise attack on yer stomach...much like a balloon full of acid thrown at yer face would...with yer hormones work'n overtime...pushed to the brink and gett'n yer dander zone as moist as a betty crocker cake...where there's no one in the world that matters but that ONE special someone make'n you feel like yer the only 2 fucktards on the planet...

and if ya never have...well...don't piss on my parade pork chop...there's always a drive thru to welcome you with open arms!

by the time you hit yer early later adult years....yer now a very seasoned 

professional and have learned to flush out those flutterbies while on a 1st date...with yer best friends Jim...Johnny or Jameson...on the rocks...with a splash of 7...so you can perform yer best stand up comedy routine to keep their interest long anough to hopefully get a free meal outta the deal at the very least...if nothin' else

and if they decided to put up with yer shit...yer lucky enough to walk down some sympathetic aisle...only to find yerself 10 years later...walk'n down aisle 10 in housewares...and turn'n the whole damn sharade parade into a lifetime movie of the week...

and pray that Meredith Baxter Bernie gets an emmy fer her stunn'n portrayal of you

it had been many many years since i checked out one of my 1st's

while check'n him into the gym that i used to work at...in my early later years...he was my JAKE...while i was on some molly (hypathetically speak'n kitten...i listened to Nancy in the 80's...if i wanna get high...i'da added another inch to my heels)...and he curled my false eyelashes like no other...his perfectly quaffed thick black quaff lay'n ever so perfectly atop his perfectly chiseled mug...always dressed in the sharpest business suits...he practically gave my eyes a paper cut with his eyes every time i would get caught given him that extra special long swipe

though eventually...i would move on from my gym job...and over sweat'n myself into a frenzy over my Jake

flash forward to almost 20 some years and buckets of tears later...

it's as if the planets were aligned and i was give'n a 2nd chance with my 1st pseudo gym crush when i ran across him on a popular on line app...though father time has taught my the proper wash'n techniques and to treat myself to a St Ives mint julep mud mask on every sunday nite...i had barely aged a minute

unfortunately though...my Jake was no longer Jake...for now...my Jake 

transformed into a finely tuned queer Gere...and i thought...grrrrrrrrranimal!

after a couple of hiccups to meet up after all these years apart...i finally set

a date (not to be confused with sett'n THEE DATE) then scanned his profile page once again quickly to find the pseudo perfect location to meet fer dinner...and though i had a bit of a "hmmm?" moment when i noticed his profile featured how he had gotten down to 10% body fat...i decided to throw caution to the wind and suggested we meet one even'n fer a simple discrete sushi dinner...WHY NOT!

i arrived promptly at 6:30pm and sent him a text as to what i was wear'n 

spend'n hours in my shitbox look'n fer the perfectly pressed demure outfit...i am ALWAYS prompt fer a date (and i ALWAYS make sure to sit closest to the door just in case i need a quick escape)...i decided to go with somethin' sublimely yet subtlely slutty (hey...my bio-hazard clock was a tick'n away...so i hadda pull out all the stops...before they all dropped to the floor)

10 minutes later...i finally noticed Jake at the front of the restaurant 

look'n around like some brain dead owl...now i am not one who likes to go out alone let alone wait'n alone fer someone to arrive...so i decided to get his attention as to which direction i was sit'n

he apologized fer not bein' on time...so i let it slide...but still...

we live in the age of instant non verbal communicado...so STRIKE 1

i let the flutterbies in the pit of my stomach drown in some 

"special water" i had ordered while i was wait'n fer his inconsiderate tardy A double snakes...though i may have probably take'n things a bit too over board on his tardiness...i was ready to jump ship so i turned the topic to his day...and immediately...he presented it to me like he was some sorta positively negative weatherman...and trust me...there was gonna be about a 90% chance of a winter storm warn'n on the horizon of bullshit...that i was probably not gonna give 2 shits about

but i zipped my lip and let him have the floor...(cuz i was already bored)

after open'n up the X files (which kittens...you NEVA do this EVA on a 1st date with me...if you EVA want a 2nd chance with an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...especially when yer of an advanced age...and still pathetically alone) i decided it was time to take off my coat of bullshit armor to expose my judgmental judy blouse and listen inquisitively as he proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes or so talk'n about how he rented out one of his homes to this non homosexual couple over the summer...and the husband went ape shit on him over not gett'n his security deposit back cuz he damaged his walls with steel shanks or somethin'...to hang his incredibly massive art collection

he still hadn't even showered me with a single phony compliment yet...

after i spent hours try'n to make myself imperfectly perfect...fer his enjoyment...STRIKE 2

i decided the only way to change the channel was to have the waiter

take our order...so i ordered my usual asparvado...a simple display of veggie sushi (hey i'm still ride'n around in my sushi train'n wheels) and cream cheese wontons...while mister can't-make-up-his-mind decided to give the waiter a pop quiz on thee entire menu fer the next hour and a half as to which one he would like best...cuz yea...ALL waiters are gonna be yer best friend and really give 2 shits what yer gonna stuff down yer throat?

the order was placed...and i tried my best magic act to muster up any

 sorta interest in continue'n this charade parade...and made the fatal flaw of open'n it up into the current political mess Manafart got himself into...and how he more or less called in a few favors to get his minimum of 14 years behind bars to rot fer his political shenanigans...reduced to 40 some months....

what was i think'n?

not 2 seconds into my conversational topic about how that privileged

colostomy bag got off WAAAAAY to easy...and he cuts me off  say'n how 48 months was too harsh of a punishment fer what he did...then without warn'n...he throws out the HILLARY card and how she should've been locked up fer her 30 gazillion emails about nothing crucial..and how she got away with "murder"

oh HELLLLLL NO!

all bets were off...as the HILLARY flood gates opened like some gush'n

gash between some premenaplausible pusata...and since i didn't pack my paddle board and bullshit life preserver...i just sat there patiently knodd'n my head like an amazonian barn owl who just OD'd on a handful of psychedelically laced goofballs as he spewed out every lame talk'n point from FAUX and friends and our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit in the oval office

i couldn't take it any longer...STRIKE 3...i'm outta here!

suffice it to say...i immediately blocked his ass aftet i paid fer my portion of the bill...and he will NEVA EVA get ANY nookie nookie from my cookie

now get off my dress!