in yer prepubescent lives...when you wanted to be a MOLLY yearn'n fer yer JAKE...where millions of flutterbies suddenly pull a surprise attack on yer stomach...much like a balloon full of acid thrown at yer face would...with yer hormones work'n overtime...pushed to the brink and gett'n yer dander zone as moist as a betty crocker cake...where there's no one in the world that matters but that ONE special someone make'n you feel like yer the only 2 fucktards on the planet...
and if ya never have...well...don't piss on my parade pork chop...there's always a drive thru to welcome you with open arms!
by the time you hit yer early later adult years....yer now a very seasoned
professional and have learned to flush out those flutterbies while on a 1st date...with yer best friends Jim...Johnny or Jameson...on the rocks...with a splash of 7...so you can perform yer best stand up comedy routine to keep their interest long anough to hopefully get a free meal outta the deal at the very least...if nothin' else
and if they decided to put up with yer shit...yer lucky enough to walk down some sympathetic aisle...only to find yerself 10 years later...walk'n down aisle 10 in housewares...and turn'n the whole damn sharade parade into a lifetime movie of the week...
and pray that Meredith Baxter Bernie gets an emmy fer her stunn'n portrayal of you
it had been many many years since i checked out one of my 1st's
while check'n him into the gym that i used to work at...in my early later years...he was my JAKE...while i was on some molly (hypathetically speak'n kitten...i listened to Nancy in the 80's...if i wanna get high...i'da added another inch to my heels)...and he curled my false eyelashes like no other...his perfectly quaffed thick black quaff lay'n ever so perfectly atop his perfectly chiseled mug...always dressed in the sharpest business suits...he practically gave my eyes a paper cut with his eyes every time i would get caught given him that extra special long swipe
though eventually...i would move on from my gym job...and over sweat'n myself into a frenzy over my Jake
flash forward to almost 20 some years and buckets of tears later...
it's as if the planets were aligned and i was give'n a 2nd chance with my 1st pseudo gym crush when i ran across him on a popular on line app...though father time has taught my the proper wash'n techniques and to treat myself to a St Ives mint julep mud mask on every sunday nite...i had barely aged a minute
unfortunately though...my Jake was no longer Jake...for now...my Jake
transformed into a finely tuned queer Gere...and i thought...grrrrrrrrranimal!
after a couple of hiccups to meet up after all these years apart...i finally set
a date (not to be confused with sett'n THEE DATE) then scanned his profile page once again quickly to find the pseudo perfect location to meet fer dinner...and though i had a bit of a "hmmm?" moment when i noticed his profile featured how he had gotten down to 10% body fat...i decided to throw caution to the wind and suggested we meet one even'n fer a simple discrete sushi dinner...WHY NOT!
i arrived promptly at 6:30pm and sent him a text as to what i was wear'n
spend'n hours in my shitbox look'n fer the perfectly pressed demure outfit...i am ALWAYS prompt fer a date (and i ALWAYS make sure to sit closest to the door just in case i need a quick escape)...i decided to go with somethin' sublimely yet subtlely slutty (hey...my bio-hazard clock was a tick'n away...so i hadda pull out all the stops...before they all dropped to the floor)
10 minutes later...i finally noticed Jake at the front of the restaurant
look'n around like some brain dead owl...now i am not one who likes to go out alone let alone wait'n alone fer someone to arrive...so i decided to get his attention as to which direction i was sit'n
he apologized fer not bein' on time...so i let it slide...but still...
we live in the age of instant non verbal communicado...so STRIKE 1
i let the flutterbies in the pit of my stomach drown in some
"special water" i had ordered while i was wait'n fer his inconsiderate tardy A double snakes...though i may have probably take'n things a bit too over board on his tardiness...i was ready to jump ship so i turned the topic to his day...and immediately...he presented it to me like he was some sorta positively negative weatherman...and trust me...there was gonna be about a 90% chance of a winter storm warn'n on the horizon of bullshit...that i was probably not gonna give 2 shits about
but i zipped my lip and let him have the floor...(cuz i was already bored)
after open'n up the X files (which kittens...you NEVA do this EVA on a 1st date with me...if you EVA want a 2nd chance with an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...especially when yer of an advanced age...and still pathetically alone) i decided it was time to take off my coat of bullshit armor to expose my judgmental judy blouse and listen inquisitively as he proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes or so talk'n about how he rented out one of his homes to this non homosexual couple over the summer...and the husband went ape shit on him over not gett'n his security deposit back cuz he damaged his walls with steel shanks or somethin'...to hang his incredibly massive art collection
he still hadn't even showered me with a single phony compliment yet...
after i spent hours try'n to make myself imperfectly perfect...fer his enjoyment...STRIKE 2
i decided the only way to change the channel was to have the waiter
take our order...so i ordered my usual asparvado...a simple display of veggie sushi (hey i'm still ride'n around in my sushi train'n wheels) and cream cheese wontons...while mister can't-make-up-his-mind decided to give the waiter a pop quiz on thee entire menu fer the next hour and a half as to which one he would like best...cuz yea...ALL waiters are gonna be yer best friend and really give 2 shits what yer gonna stuff down yer throat?
the order was placed...and i tried my best magic act to muster up any
sorta interest in continue'n this charade parade...and made the fatal flaw of open'n it up into the current political mess Manafart got himself into...and how he more or less called in a few favors to get his minimum of 14 years behind bars to rot fer his political shenanigans...reduced to 40 some months....
what was i think'n?
not 2 seconds into my conversational topic about how that privileged
colostomy bag got off WAAAAAY to easy...and he cuts me off say'n how 48 months was too harsh of a punishment fer what he did...then without warn'n...he throws out the HILLARY card and how she should've been locked up fer her 30 gazillion emails about nothing crucial..and how she got away with "murder"
oh HELLLLLL NO!
all bets were off...as the HILLARY flood gates opened like some gush'n
gash between some premenaplausible pusata...and since i didn't pack my paddle board and bullshit life preserver...i just sat there patiently knodd'n my head like an amazonian barn owl who just OD'd on a handful of psychedelically laced goofballs as he spewed out every lame talk'n point from FAUX and friends and our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit in the oval office
i couldn't take it any longer...STRIKE 3...i'm outta here!
suffice it to say...i immediately blocked his ass aftet i paid fer my portion of the bill...and he will NEVA EVA get ANY nookie nookie from my cookie
now get off my dress!
No comments:
Post a Comment