home from pump'n it up at the local uninhibited and uninhabitable steam room at the neighborhood church my gym...in the wee hours of the morn'n...all bright eyed and half in the barrel...iron'n out my personal mantra's...along with my unmentionables...peruse'n my daily horrorscope passage...gett'n ready fer my surgical "procedure" mentioned in last weeks highly informative episode
think'n this was gonna be a simple pimple easy breezy sunday stroll...
on an early mid monday morn'n...
perform'n my greatest car concert duet with the likes of one Toni Basil and her greatest hits...why not!
when i realized i now had approximately only 25 minutes to get to my
much needed desired destination on the other side clear across town...durin' rush hour...and every last minuscule minute counted...so i wasn't fuck'n around anymore!
pull'n up to the park'n lot...i was greeted with a parade of auto-mobility
bingo winged patrons try'n park their huv-a-round after choke'n down a plethora of metamucil martini's while enjoy'n a Murder She Wrote marathon before take'n the curlers outta their unmanageable silver hays nest...with a hint of lavender...adorn'n the top of their noggin this particular morn'n...
well...let's just say...i could no longer give 2 shits about piss'n anyone off with my colorful sign language and WTF horn orchestra...much like what's left of my faint beat'n heart that's been recently removed
finally parked...i ended up have'n to do the sugar shuffle all the way thru
the corridors...skipp'n very gingerly thru all the diabetic dudes and dudettes move'n at the speed of a dyslexic slug with turrets that were block'n a clear path to the check-in counter...cuz i only had a mere 3 minutes to check in
once i made my desired destination...the bubble headed happy herpe that
greeted me behind the desk said i was not in their system...so i showed her the text that i was sent just less than 24 hrs earlier from their facility...and she says to me "oh my...i'm so sorry...but it says here you're at the wrong location...it's at the other one that's about a mile and a half from here"
S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y???...i did all i could do to find the key to unhinge my
jaw and recite to her the recently unsanitized sassy & shady sonnet that i had spontaneously composed at the prefrontal cortex of my brain...only cuz the text they had sent me never stated which fuck'n hospital i was to be admitted into...i just went to the one that i had had the consultation with a month earlier...but i knew it would have to wait fer another time...cuz i was runn'n outta time!
by the time i had made my second and hopefully my final destination...
(20 minutes later of course...with 13 of those minutes wasted deal'n with the polyestered penny pinchers in front of me just try'na leave the park'n lot in their pinto blow-about at the first location) i tried to calm myself down and had hoped to expect that this was gonna be like visit'n one of those massage parlors with a "happy end'n"
that you could find buried behind the Eva Gabor Wig Collection page of yer nana's crossword puzzle magazine...and that they would still fit me in with a bit of a scold'n and perhaps a small late charge...since i was thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all...
BUTT of course...
my inclinations and unpopularly popular celeb status were of no concern to the acid-refluxed ferret sitt'n behind the desk...and i would have to be rescheduled fer 3 weeks down the road
oh well...it's MY BIRFDAY (weak)...so HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY TO ME
and yes...it's on the 6th...though i plan on celebrate'n it ALL week (cuz i can) if enquire'n readers wanna desperately know how long i've actually occupied this planet...it's #49...& just look'n to do #69...so don't try and rain on my parade...(i'm already drown'n)...just leave me yer digits if it's past 8...otherwise...
GET OFF MY DRESS!
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