ok...now open em up slowly so you can read the rest of today's humorous and highly insensitive shenanigans!
austrian singer/songwriter FALCO was fly'n to the top of the charts with his
infectiously pop tart smash hit "ROCK ME AMADEUS" that hit #1 in march that year which was a tribute to his fav-o-rit 18th century musical genius WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART...
while sport'n the cotton candy wig that he stole outta Dale Bozzio's closet after she so generously invited him to her pool party back in '85...how rude!
lieutenant Pete "Maverick" Mitchell...played by heart throbb'n scientologist
and every girls and girlie boys shower masturbatory fascination...TOM CRUISE...flew to the top of the box office in may of '86 with "TOP GUN"
"MEAN GIRL" LINDSAY LOHAN slid down her stage momager's fallopian curly slide in july
BUTT unfortunately...
the biggest joke to ever come outta 1986 belonged to daytime talk show
host and mustache rider GERALDO RIVERA...with his prime time special "THE MYSTERY OF AL CAPONE'S VAULTS"...which should'a been simply titled "THE MYSTERY HOW TO RUIN YER CAREER IN 2 EASY HOURS"...by build'n up the hype fer weeks on end about how he and his team of hard hitt'n "researchers" had discovered the exact location of the windy city's own notorious mobster boss AL CAPONE'S vault in the back of the Lexington Hotel and how they thought they were gonna be in possession of the millions by the end of the program
but all the G ended up with was enormous rate'ns and egg on his face...while the view'n audience were left with just some rusted arrow heads...a couple of scratched Eddy Arnold records and 3 unopened bottles of that chocolaty goodness drink "YOOHOO"
34 years later...star of box office hit's like "GOONIES" and "GREMLINS"
and everyone's 2nd fav-o-rit "LOST BOY" hunter (hey...he was a bit filthy fer my masturbatory taste back then...enough said)
thin lipped lezbitronic lizard man...COREY FELDMAN...decided to pull a "CAPONE" of his very own by release'n the 1st ever live stream movie fer a ONE NITE ONLY show'n...(over 2 days...you know...to help pay off his american advantage visa and tj maxx cards...i get it!)
entitled "THE TRUTH: THE RAPE OF TWO COREY'S"...chronicle'n and call'n out all the high powered pedophiles in hollyweird...
that raped him...his bff COREY HAIM and countless other kids in the industry!
my dear dear cocktail bandit Karona Vyris...totally was down to purchase'n
said movie that peaked both of our interests...so she had her hubby cook us a hearty chicken and noodle concoction w/perfectly baked french bread...plated on her nana's best china...as her 2 children serenaded me with a festive irish jig...set to beautiful traditional hymns by the irish tabernacle choir
before we would eventually adjourn to her spacious 70's inspired live'n room anxiously await'n fer the show to begin
unfortunately...Karona tried her damnedest to get the the movie started
at it's 10 pm premiere (central time zone of course) but all she kept gett'n was a damn error message!
i decided to log into twitter and twat Corey...and apparently...we weren't
the only ones with our culottes in a bunch...cuz 15 minutes into the live stream'n...Corey himself exclaimed in real time on twitter that he was "HACKED"...and started speak'n in tongue about who knows what the hell!
now trust me when i say...i DO BELIEVE his claims are ALL true
about the whole inappropriate touchy feely games done to him...HAIM and many other kids in the industry by select elite hollyweirdo's fer years...but bragg'n on stage about how you made over a mill in yer piggy bank on open'n nite...and not address'n the view'n audience that had already prepaid in advance to see a flick that they no longer could see about how they will ALL get the coins back...ummm yea...Judy...you can be expect'n many calls!
Corey was start'n to sound like the star of his own fable!
after a few flirtatious searches with my friends at google...turns out
the only real BIG NAME that was promised to us...via Corey's titillate'n media blasts fer 2 months...was apparently committed by cameo bad boy star of the 1986 high school flick "FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF"...actor CHARLIE SHEEN
who "allegedly" raped COREY HAIM between 2 trailers durin' the film'n of come'n of age romantic teenage dramedy "LUCAS" where HAIM played an intelligent nerdy 14 year old in love with an older snatch trap..though Charlie has vehemently denied ALL claims!
now i'm not here to say one way or another...i DO NOT condone nor will i
condemn situations that i am not privy to first hand...i am just one of the many spectators in this game called life that tries not to judge...but bein' one of the many who's experienced the same situation myself as a tender 14 year old...i can only sympathize with his mistrust and paranoia built up inside him and try to make those responsible to pay fer their actions without bein' left to feel like a victim all over again!
but COREY...come on...ya gotta really give all those coins back pronto!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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