internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...pre and post
like that one time when i took the head of the football team at my high school back in the ancient rowman times of the 8o's (without gett'n any head i might add) to court fer meticulously and maliciously chopp'n a section of my quaff off...
it felt exactly like that time when GOLDIE attacked MERYL fer her obvious sheer beauty in "DEATH BECOMES HER" though i was bequeathed a much smaller paycheck than MERYL...recieve'n only $37.50 fer my anguishable performance outta the $2500 i thought i was rightfully owed under the law (hey...i was only 17 that was supposed to be my meal ticket outta dodge)
then there was that time in the late early 90's when i was a guinea pig
fer the government fer a boat load of cash thanx to my very dear dear pill pusher PEETRINELLA so i could sail away to China in a little rowboat just to find her but she said she had to get her laundry clean and i just ended up with a boat load of sleep'n disorders
you know...almost exactly like that time when MERYL hadda get her stomach pumped thanx to the one fuckable QUAID brother fill’n her full of QUAIDludes in "POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE"
BUTT unfortunately...
i never got no damn visit from SHIRLEY MACLAINE!
of course how could anyone ferget that time in the mid summer of the 00's
when i was cohorced...chloroformed and kidnapped fer a weekend in the northern woods of MN by the Lousie to my Thelma...me and her precious pooch were lured aboard their SS mini Minnow with cheap bottom shelf swill by her and her dasturdly henchman to drift down the caspian sea...i think (i don't really know cuz the chloroform had me a bit fuzzy of the details and my whereabouts all weekend)
until her pooch found a moment when our captors weren't pay'n attention as i distracted them with an irish jig so the pooch could fly over board like a moth on meth...swim down stream and scribble indegenous sign language on a rock fer my plan of escape
to a tee what MERYL hadda almost endure in the bone chill'n camp'n adventure "THE RIVER WILD"
starr'n that golden globe'n hot to trot slice of sizzle'n BACON and that one annoy'n pre-teen pustule in the lalapalooza cap
now i want you to open yer eyes and visualize...i mean come on now...
like yer life is that unbearably excite'n at this mere moment in time (get real...yer here read’n about ME aren't ya?) besides you made it this far...you might as well finish read'n this ghastly gibberish unless of course you have some pumped up thong in spectacles that reads to you s-l-o-w-l-y every nite...now picture it...
it's 2021 last week and there i was as octo-auntie with one tentacle wrapped around my newly born great niece VIOLETTE MOON (awww how presh!) while bounce'n her on my lap...with another tentacle rigorously research'n fer my next hard hitt'n maestro piece blog all while shovel'n the savory mexican slop prepared by my lovely relation...only to find out 3 days later that said lovely relation had tested positive fer the COVID...most likely caught from her recent trip to VEGAS (the windy city of brotherly love that never sleeps)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
of course i was absofuckinglutely flabbergasted by this revelation since i was around them 3 times since they returned so i knew i unfortunately would have to get tested and my mind immediately imagined myself in MERYL's peril with her rivet'n portrayal of the true life story about nuclear whistleblower Karen Silkwood in "SILKWOOD" you know the scene i’m referr'n to kittens...where Karen sets off the radiation alarms due to her exposure after clean'n up her work space from a mini bday soirée
and i just felt it in my bones that i would be accosted by some anal probe-happy floor monitor with tourettes use'n a gigantic non hypo-allergenic industrial strength brillo pad to scrub me down like a Qanon's Facebook page all while douche'n me out with very chilled himalayan water like a common concubine as they jam an elongated cotton swab up my sniffer
luckily fer me...i just hadda spit...not swallow (which you should ALWAYS do with heavy meat eaters...i’m just say’n...ever try gett’n that horrid after taste of clorox bleach...old man stew and brisket off yer breath?)
thankfully my results came back in my favor and here's a lil side note...ain't it funny have'n a negative attitude won't give you a positive outlook on life...
but after test'n negative that's actually a positive thing in life so chew on that and puhleez wear the damn mask and one last thing...though i may never get as many Oscar nods as MERYL has...at least i’m COVID FREE!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
No comments:
Post a Comment