lazy afternoon mindlessly mind'n my own biz...in concert (off key of course) with LYNN ANDERSON's "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" when nature came a call'n and i was desperately try'na keep my basement "biz" at a stand still while i was still in my piece-o-shit mobile on barely there wheels at the stop light as traffic was stand'n still...when the damn thing decided to start choke'n on me like a hungry throat plunge'n milker at a frat party on prom nite all while desperately try'na come up with a lil silly though just as crucially important words of wisdom fer the week to put my masses on their asses...however...much like my milky smooth perky A double snakes...nothing was come'n out!
then i thought to myself…i said SELF…what haven't you talked about yet?
what's the one topic that seems to elude just about every water cooler conversations?
i thought about it really hard...grunt'n like a gansta...then i thought…SHIT!
i finally pulled into some ma an pa convenient store and conveniently flushed my sacrificial meatloaf to the porcelain god...then i pondered fer a moment and figered...hey this seems to be a topic no one wants to talk about yet we've all done at some point hopefully durin' the day or at the very least fer those lazy socialites...had it vacuumed outta them by means of a colonic irrigation once a week at least
the obvious one being of course…is take'n a ride on the porcelain pony...
while yer try'na make a glamorous inner mission...during the intermission of some craptastic theater production you were forced to see just cuz they paid fer yer ticket...
BUTT...that ain't all!
those infamous 4 letters can be interpreted in many other different forms…
so let's begin...fer instance...it can be used as an act of irritation…
"you piece of shit!…you gave me crabs"
then there's those times when take'n care of some elderly incontinent
pare "can someone else change grannies shit shorts fer a change?"
how 'bout a term of endearment to a small child show'n how much you
really care "awww…ain’t you the cutest lil’ shi now run along and get yer mommie a cocktail before i tattoo another wire hanger imprint on yer ass...ok kitten?"
a very popular one that's used by many as a sense of entitlement…
"can someone pleez get this lil' barfbag outta my sight?…i'm a goddamn unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe…i don't have to put up with this shit! do you know how many blind himalayan migrant children it took to hand stitch me this jacket?"
then of course…plenty of parents have used it during a fit of frustration…
"dammit…you lil shit…stop it now…or i’ll give ya somethin' to whine about"
it’s also a warn'n signal for the giver when turn'n their knee's into gristle…
"OOOH SHIT…OOOH SHIT…i'm comin…I'M COOOOOOOOMIN'!"
(consult yer physician if erectile dysfunction occurs)
unfortunately...it can also be heard as a sign of depression fer some…
especially those boned up non homosexual males out there that were plann'n on play'n the fields "aaaah shit…not again!"
one too many apple-tini’s can be a really really bad buzz kill…
"oooooh shit…get outta my waaaaay…i think i'm gonna blow chunks!"
this would be a good sign you need to start popp'n that ginkgo biloba...
"AH SHIT!…you said yer wife was in a coma...where in the sam hell did i put my panties?"
or if you feel like take a trip down the danger side to spice up yer love life
"SHIT!…i can't remember which stall i was told to tap my toes in"
when you have no control on an icy patch at 65 miles per hour…
"SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!SHIT!"
or just when yer in the fuck'n mood to make-out with good ol' "mary jane"
"now that’s some good shit maaaaan!"
however you slice it…is fine with me…BUT…if you think fer a minute that
yer shit smells like a bed of roses...
make shit up!...now GET OFF MY DRESS!
so in conclusion sometimes yer full of shit and sometimes you just gotta
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