to Hollywood icons like tv legend BETTY WHITE to the 1st non white actor to receive an academy award by the brilliant SIDNEY POITER...
to that highly saccharinated tv dad with that congealed and more often than not painfully mundane humor to those identical Fiona Apple floor mopped herpes and host of that vommitous family show where the tin foil capped audience would vote on who had the most amount of the frontal lobe of their brain removed fer a meager cash prize of shower'n redundant embarrassment onto their family name fer eternity...Bob somethin'
hey…let’s just be real here…celebs are cheezy as hell...i outta know…
i am thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after all though some may taste like a rich savory smoked gouda that you wanna devour with yer friends over a lightly salted wheat triscuit and a bottomless glass of fruity aged wine while others just taste like tired and true government cheese…bland and borin' (sorry…though i did not nor would not put out a warrant fer his wake…i never understood his C-E-L-E-B schtick appeal that’s it…so write yer own obligatory obitchuary and eat me!)
who can ferget that famous 3way that lived together in mortal sin when those 2 maxi pads and that 1 teeter totter Tripper moved into that 2 bedroom apt along Santa Monica boulevard in the 70's
and of course when that fuzzy blot clot teaches all the lil kittens the alphabet...he only gives priority seat'n to the 1st 3 letters and completely ignore'n the other 23 letters as if they're some sorta non denominational non binary back of the bus venereal disease
in case yer just tune'n in kittens...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt.1
so as i pulled up to the local gas station in the wee hours of the nite to
grab a gallon of milk fer the neurosis that lived beneath me (i made an executive decision to add a raspberry clearly canadian fer myself at her expense) it dawned on me as i looked into the rear view mirror...OH SHIT! my mint julip mask was crack'n like death valley nonetheless
i had made it this far and not a cop to be seen since i was without the proper identification to drive and notice'n only one person at the pump outside i figered i could go unnoticeable since it was pitch black out with just the neon light'n as my backdrop that no one would really pay much attention to my presence so i scurried inside as quick as possible as not to cause attention to myself
turns out that i didn't factor in the blind'n florescent light'n inside the store
which was lit up like a corporate christmas tree and with only 2 workers work'n the register that even'n...as much as i would probably end up the topic of discussion at the next share holders meet'n...i'm sure i looked like some deranged prize from the bottom of a cracker jax box as i rummaged thru the coolers though i learned years ago to block out unwarranted stares from piddly peasants and made it back to my palace without disrupt'n the gravitational pull that even'n
by daybreak of day 2...i was back on my milk crate after chisel'n off my
of mud mask in the shower that always left my face as red as a baboons ass fer at least an hour afterwards (though just as smooth) and with my ice cream bucket of kaboom (since i had no bowls at the time) in hand i settled down next to the window check'n in on Charlotte's progress as i prepared myself fer another installment of self infliction to my follicles and just like day one...it would be a full work day practically to remove the left hemisphere of foliage from my face
we laughed about the in's and out's of our similar situations that we both
were in as she sat upon her throne push'n my arachnophobic buttons begg'n me to turn up the volume on the tv as i questioned her about her odd relationship with that queer piglet and if she still kept in contact with him (she of course denied it was was even her in that movie) then it dawned on me...it was either my kaleidoscopic imagination or my swollen pores but i was goin outta my mind carry'n on with a spider and i didn't even know if she spoke plain english
hey i hadda pepper the story up a bit...i figered i was loose'n you after day 2 (besides it'll look good in my docudramedy not cumm'n to a spatchat near you anytime this week anyways)
roughly 7 hours later i had finally finished my days work as Charlotte
had continued on protect'n her prized possession that i gave her
day 3 day began just like the other 2 with only the shag carpet on my neck
left to remove and luckily there wasn't much there to begin with so i waited a few hours...cleaned up around the apt and finished up the week with Katherine and Jill end'n up in some sorta "when old broads attack" cliffhanger episode
a few hours later as i started in on my neck...i glanced down at Charlotte
who seemed to have completely consumed her thanksgive'n feast and i thought to myself there's gotta be more to life than just pluck'n my face and and have'n some delightful arachnid as my closest confidant at the time...i had contemplated what to do with my life with each pluck and know'n i was only a couple miles from the local vo-tech...i figered i might as well perfect my craft in the beauty world and check into beauty school...
since i thought eventually i would be doin hair and make-up on MADONNA and or BOY GEORGE once i got outta this sad fersaken town
3 hours later my mug was finally free from follicle city and i couldn't have
been more pleased with my accomplishment...i was once again ready to face the world though i swore i would never inflict that much pain onto myself or anyone else fer that matter ever again however i decided since Charlotte had enjoyed a feast befitt'n of a queen this would also be her last supper on this earth...
cuz my fear of her possibly hulk'n out on me in the middle of the nite as i watched some late nite CBS movie on my borrowed black and white 19 inch magnavox was more greater than i could possibly handle outside of the simple fact that i no longer was in need of any sorta 8 eyed 8 legged confidential confidant...
so i decided to clean house pronto!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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