A FUZZY LIL DREAM

i can remember the very first time that a co-worker had asked me to quit

throw'n money down the drain on rent and convinced me to pool our resources together fer a humble lil shit box to call our very own though i was no fool...he had shitty credit and needed me to sign on the dotted line however after 5 years we'd just sell and split the profits which sounded gravy at the time since i was now in my late early 30's nonetheless after 6 months of house hunt'n together only to get berated one nite by some carpet clean'n home depot card carry'n lickolotapus growl'n at me to sign on the dotted line even though i had never even stepped foot on the premises that my co-worker wanted just so she could fly off to the bahamas with her bonus coins i had had enough and would put my EDIE BOUVIER BEALE dreams on the back burner

almost 20 years later i've finally decided it's time to buckle down and be a 

bit more grown up since i've been grow'n old of my current quarters cuz there hasn't been much of an update to my humble lil shitbox i've called home fer the past 12 years regardless of the basic essentials one needs to survive on the daily

unfortunately i hadda let Rosario go due to her new zika diet clogg'n my pipes up 7 years ago and i've fall'n a bit behind on my clean'n duties

so i was dressed in my best pressed pale blue poly blended muu muu 

on some lazy saturday afternoon rearrange'n my personalities to go with my sunday knickers sipp'n on my dreams gone by 

soak'n up some inspirational sonnets from one Crissy Snow as i marinated in my 3rd metamucil martini turn'n myself into a pickled prune in my neighbors puppy pool that i never met as the cool MN spring breeze kicked in my narcolepsy

dream'n of my future inspirational bedroom in a double wide far away from the city life i had grown accustomed to

to calm my uncontrollable urge to make another utterly and totally tastless

science project i mistakenly swallowed the nite before since i'm pretty sure orange juice should actually be the color of orange...i decided to grab my ice pick...throw on my parka and go on an expedition into the freezer to see if there was anything that i could rescue and too my surprise i found buried under a foot of freezer burn a 1/5th bottle of pomegranate Smirnoff left behind when i had a camp out in my live'n room last summer

so i made myself a shitty pomegranate and stale unfizzy seltzer water cocktail...poured in some MN misery...a splash of resentfulness that i didn't win the POWERBALL...a pinch of the terribly intolerable 2's and Dr. Kevorkian's number and i had made the perfect pick-me-up to go along with my shitty outlook on the day

after i choked down my swill...i decided to make a couple of calls...

however…the suicide hotline decided to put me on hold!

once i reached my destination...everything in the past 4 hours that felt like heavy chains on my chest...were now no longer aggravate'n me as i stripped off my layers of regret and threw away my bitch blouse to feel comfortable...that is until i was hunted down by some store greeter...

"SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"

s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y...after what i just gone thru to get here...i...as thee only

unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...is bein' asked fer I.D. to shop fer some groceries? na-uuh...she DID NOT just say that to ME!

and once again i hear her say... "SIR...i need to see yer I.D!"

ummm...no...i think what you need Bessie is a good dietitian and that trough yer use'n as a kitchen table removed away immediately (hey that's no cut on her appearance just concern about her clogged arteries...i have plenty of pleasant plumpers i consider to be my closest friends) nonetheless i didn't wanna argue with her so i handed over my I.D. without any back handed comments though i had plenty lined up!

as i walked around fill'n up my cart with anything that would calm...

the restless natives beat'n the hunger drums in the pit of my stomach i wondered...wai'da'minute! why did i give her my I.D.? so i marched up to customer service to speak with the mgr. on duty

out walks this hefty hideaway gal...who wasn't really hide'n anything at all

 so i explained to her why was it i needed to give my I.D. to the bloated stegosaurus with the bad bi-leveled oglivie home perm greet'n people at the front door and she calmly said in her best Bea Arthur voice that she shouldn't have

i'm think'n ok...this deep fried trough tail gator spotted me as thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe and just wanted proof to post on her FB page...i get it! (it's so hard to be me sometimes!)

BUTT all of a sudden

the manager got on the loud speaker and said politely...

"Martha please come to the customer service desk"

yer kidd'n as in Martha Dumptruck? i was think'n of a merried of other 

names however Martha worked fine with me at the moment and of course Mrs. Dumptruck explained in that typical phoney corporate response as to why she demanded i hand over my I.D. to her manager

Bea looked at it once...looked at me...then held the I.D. closer to her face and looked closer at my face...all of a sudden they both started smirk'n til they broke out in complete laughter point'n their claws at me...HUH?

ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME WITH THIS?

well i usually hold back my mouth dam but i'll be damned at this point...

i was gonna let em have it with both barrels...grabb'n the loud speaker i politely said "shoppers...today's blue light special is in customer service but they ain't so blue and they most DEFINITELY ain't so light...

though they sure are purdy special so you'll have to read to 'em r-e-a-l slow...

come gaze at these 2 backward barn yard Miss Piggy vaginal flaps however please refrain from gett'n too close to them as they hadn't had their feed'n yet today and you might just become their main course"

i grabbed my I.D. and ran out the door into the freeze'n cold once again...

without any mouth water'n morsels to fill my fuck'n gut even though i wanted to gut anyone that crossed me now cuz my mouth was as dry as the Tatooine desert and my breath was seethe'n like a rage'n bi-polar monkey slut in sunday school...then i woke up!

WTF...this was all just a dream?....eh!...time to make some breakfast...

as i opened the fridge...i noticed nothin' but some strawberries wrapped in last season's faux fur

ummm yea...this shit ain't happen'n today...time to start hunt'n fer my fuzzy lil dream pronto!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!