consolable into a fit of hysterics...oh wai'da'minute...that's not my story...
eh...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those bad but deliciously tacky Roger Coreman movies
click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on...before move'n on
click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on...before move'n on
and now the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH...
turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our tastebuds
dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags that had monetary value hidden inside...ummm H-E-L-L-O...SCORE!
as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car
and hatched a plan (totally ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies) as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!
1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different
boxes of Miss Clairol to change our luscious locks to a completely different shade than we had previously had prior to our life of crime (see...this is where i personally believe Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm cappuccino dirty blonde (if yer inquire'n mind wants to know)
next up was to purchase our one way tickets to some foreign country
at the time i imagined myself in a spacious garden apartment in Ottumwa Iowa...i figered i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop on the weekends and talk about his time in the trenches at the 4077 M*A*S*H unit...hey...i just figered we laid low fer the next 3 to 5 years...
(cuz i was really in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all eventually meet up at some undisclosed ritzy rendezvous point...however...after we figered out there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked to Kenosha if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work in the morn'n...so he just opted to drop me off at home and went on his merry bandit way
Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia
so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs and by the time i finally had made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...and turns out...i had hit the mutha fuck'n payload with 2 full bags of quarters and devised a plan to cash them in (though that would have to wait til morn'n cuz i was beat)
once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream
bucket jammed to the top with their fav-o-rit morn'n stomach fillers the follow'n sunrise...
and turn'n on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program to keep the lil monkeys occupado while i tried to figer out the best way to cash in my new found loot
i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from
Joan's cann'n collection...turns out i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim...so i packed them neatly in my pack back...
and Elmira Gulch'd my way off to the bank before they would close by noon...and too my surprise...i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name (that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old) since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the Winona Shopper
BUTT...move'n on
return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to
play warden with my new found wealth...so i called Big Lipps to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's & gen Z'ers will never appreciate the 1000's of click...click...click'n of cd's case on all those lazy afternoons of unsupervised entertainment like us gen X'ers relished in)
once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me
smack dab in the face at the simple low low cost of $7.50...how could i go wrong? this was like totally an omen...cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never had went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was obviously meant to be!
after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home as my
antsy sibs were gett'n ready to rumble cuz the saturday morn'n news was come'n to a close...so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to keep'em tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered...
and after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted fer "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" if i remember correctly
as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand
new dark lavender Culture Club wallet contain'n my remainder of $355.50 in my back pocket where i kept it...so immediately and quite frantically...i ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets...however...unfortunately after 10 minutes or so of not find'n it anywhere...i figered i probably had dropped it at my house...so i huffyed my plump and oh so supple A double snakes home as fast as a hornet in heat...flipp'n my entire bedroom apart...
i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly it felt like that time when the princess was trapped in H-E-double hockey stix try'na escape the death star...with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet
i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store to
ask the 2 town rental whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet...to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"
wai'da'minute! i know i never said what kinda wallet it was that i lost!
the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro VHS ho's...who weren't play'n around...so not ONLY did i forgo the video rental fer my sibs that afternoon...i also didn't get to marinate in my new found wealth any longer...A-N-D worst of all...
I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDAR HOLY GRAIL!!!
even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me cuz these obviously
devious dickless swatch watch'n maxi padders were the purest of evil in their acid wash girbaud jeans burst'n at the seams (that they most likely needed the jaws of life to put em on) and their not so lil piggies choke'n to death in their jelli slip-on's from Pamida who had single handily and subconsciously outsmarted me at my own game
WOW! this was not the way my mentos moment was suppose to end!
moral of this story is...karma was more than just a chameleon from the
80's and that twinkies are not the chemically treated delicacy that we were all lead to believe!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can still possibly be
charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream that i fergot to not remember...ever happened!
pps...in case you didn't forgo that over priced mocha choka pumpkin
spiced frappe with all those chemically enhanced sprinkles last week like i had asked or perhaps yer feel'n just a wee bit more generous and don't wanna burn in the firey pits of whatever delusional afterlife story you believe in then why not donate to a worthy cause!
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