not so fresh

ahhh...can you feel it kittens?

mother nature has finally put away her winter wardrobe

the fresh scent of lavender and lilac fill the air as the blue birds sing a melodic chorus

while the sun kisses yer soft delicate satin framed face

yer dusty pink chiffon laura ashley dress dance'n in the breeze

as you walk hand in hand...in a non sexual manner...

with someone of the same non penile persuasion

you turn to them and say...

"Brenda...do you ever get that "not so fresh" feel'n?"

yea...no matter how discrete some ad agency displays it...

 kitty kat stink is not pretty!

let me explain...

may 1st 2013 will be the 10th anniversary of that dog and pony show...

"mission accomplished" by former president fool G. Dubaya on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln

it will also be the not so grand open'n of the library in honor of this doosh rag's "accomplishments"

it's unfortunate that current and former presidents...

 have to put on their "game face" fer the media...but that's required when hold'n or have held such a prestigious position...regardless of ones thoughts about someone's "accomplishments"...to put on some sorta "parade" to show unity

when WE THE PEOPLE all know...this is thee worst leader liar in the history of the BIG HOUSE...PERIOD!

ok...so this kitty kat wart has had some note worthy accomplishments

• signed into law broad tax cuts in 2001
• the "no child left behind" act of 2001
• the "partial-birth abortion ban" act of 2003
• medicare prescription drug benefits for seniors in 2003
• the "clear skies" act of 2003 (though all he really did was announce it...but i'll give him credit)

unfortuntaely those are completely outweighed by his other more well known "accomplishments"

fine...reward him with his own library where he can play dress up durin' his imaginary game of the greatest ape in office...but don't think fer a second...

that WE THE PEOPLE have fergotten what yer real "accomplishments" were in the BIG HOUSE


what was it you once said?

yer outta the BIG HOUSE...and don't wanna weigh in on "certain issues"?...

 then seriously...just be gone...before someone drops a house on you to!

even yer own mother has had enough of see'n her BUSH in the BIG HOUSE

so puhleez G...no matter how much you try and cleanse yer library of yer stink...WE will never ferget how much you gave us that "not so fresh" feel'n

now get off my dress!

the cost of look'n cheap

so there i was...last month...off on another aerodynamical adventure

destination : Oprahville

 purpose : to look FIERCE of course

i rarely endorse business's that have nothing to do with me...about me...associated with me...or give'n me a freebee...but i have to say...

SPIRIT airlines is the easiest and most efficient airline i've EVER encountered when cross'n the state line in a timely manner

ferget my might-as-well-be pinto blow-about barely hold'n together by scotch tape and super glue...cost'n me more than the price of a nite with a...

100% grade A beef sammich

ferget the MEGADEATH bus..though very affordable...

it's a total crap shoot who you have to sit next to...or if you'll be kiss'n the concrete before you reach yer destination

round trip from Prince town to Oprahville...in under an hour and 5 minutes...

 and at the price of 7 moderately priced martini's...why not?

sure you have to be able to fold up like a suitcase...but the complimentary pat down at security was soo worth it since it was like the most affection i've gotten from anyone in a long time...

i landed at O'hare and was met by my hot lil chimichanga i'd met last time i was in town...strictly fer sodomistic purposes a free place to count sheep...of course...so we headed back on the L train to his palace to drop my shit off and then continued on to boystown to paint the town with our presence's

we did the obligalatory bar run that 1st nite...the thrist quench'n spirits were putt'n all around us...in good spirits all around...but those of a certain age bracket...(insert me here) also work on certain time constraints of when these "spirits" are no longer "good" and just plain down right irritated...and it didn't help that mother nature was bein' a total bitch...

bad enough i work fer one!

my whole purpose of said trip was actually business...(and if i had the chance...a lil monkey bizness on the side) to get and acquire new attire fer my numbers

 fer the most fabulous show in the Minne-Apple ...

 "April Showers bring BITCH FLOWERS"

and one should NOT disappoint their fans....

they may be crazy...but at least their loyal!

by day 2..the sun was kiss'n our face and i tagged along to see my no-tell'n you what we did motel mgr's possible new digs

though in a decent area of Oprahville...once inside...the entire apartment was molested in 1970's corn yellow shag carpet'n...from floor to ceil'n..this is was where 70's porn went to die!

the bedroom ceil'n was covered in mirror...while the bed...(though miss'n) would be the focal point of the room bein' displayed on a foot high pedestal...

Ron Jeremy's initials i'm sure were still soaked in the carpet 

but as much as the Ukrainian apartment hunter tried to sell him on the nostalgia...it was a total shit box!

so off we went to meet his friends fer a mid afternoon liquid lunch...but i knew my work had to be completed before any more spirits took a tube ride thru my intestines...so off i went to my version of heaven

BEATNIX...if you haven't YOU MUST!

i wasn't inside more than 30 seconds that i was bein' blinded by some spiritual force that summoned me to back of the store...a bright shiney light was burn'n my retina like a hot poker to the eye...and as i focused my vision...i dropped to my knee's...and wept!...

fer there stand'n before me was the holy grail of heels!

though i am not a regular fan of G*D...delusional entities...CASPER...i prayed and prayed as i searched thru the mountain of boxes stacked  not so neatly against the wall of heels fer my glass slippers...and found THEE LAST PAIR!...IN MY SIZE!...i kid you not!

oh thank you CASPER...thank you fer everything you never really meant to me

as i slipped the heel onto my foot...i thought to myself...who needs prince charm'n?

 i felt like Sinda-fuck'n-rella!...(hmmm...did i just create a new stage name fer someone? i believe i did)

when sales people approach me...BEWARE!!...i always wish i had my can of back up aqua net with me and a lighter...cuz i can't be bothered by what they have to say...i am in my own universe when i shop...much like my breaks when i walk the skyways at work...you don't bother me...

and i won't light you on fire!

but this sweet lil early 20 somethin' knew i was someone of importance obviously and knew i was on a mission...so of course i felt compelled to put away the spray and confessed to her that i was indeed thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe that she probably never heard about...but was glad she finally met!

so after much small talk act'n like some GO SEE model with my catalog of looks ...i showed her the heavenly heels i wanted to possess...and she was fly'n thru the store like a hummingbird on crack...

and what did she come up with?

YES...oh G*D CASPER YES!!!

i totally felt like that hooker Vivian...

finally bein' vindicated fer all the hours i spent gett'n nowhere fast...my very own personal minion to do my bidd'n...but heels and bra...though very stage ready fer any situation in the boudoir...would not comply with the MN liquor laws...so more completion had to be done...and what did my lil angelic minion come up with?

she was SOOO intuitive and it's very clear...she knows KRYSTAL KLEER to a tee...thanx to me!

the only issue now was the hair...but unfortunately it was beyond her control...as they did not have anything that fit my delicate unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionst face...so i left with a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders...and a heavy charge on my piggy bank...but so worth it...don'tcha think?

it would take some time but eventually typed my way thru amazon.com...

and settled on this perfect mound of synthetic follicles to caress my already caressable face

2 hours later i had met back up with my south of the border hoarder...who had all the intentions of have'n me take him south of my border...in order to calm the natives...but he wanted to take a detour to lushville...which i had no prob with...since my mission was actually accomplished...

(and i didn't need to land on some navel ship to prove it)

dance is an art form...and i as an artist...regardless of the style...feel i should be schooled in any style...as back-up...just in case...so there i was with my dignity in tact as a back-up plan innocent on-licker on-looker at...

the LUCKY HORSE SHOE

though the stage candy was way more appeal'n than the crowd candy...i made the most of it without have'n to empty my piggy bank again...it's beneath me...and i'da rather been beneath him....

(oops...did i say that out loud?)

my friend on the other hand...pretty much put down a down payment on a car that nite and decided i needed to get in on the action...

so i did...with his piggy bank!

as the clock stuck one...i had had my fun...and wanted to get back to "bizness" at his apt...but it ended up bein' a sprint marathon from bar to bar...

til i got all Joan Crawdford on his ass and said it's time to hop a cab...so he decided i knew enough was enough...and hailed a ride home

in the cab he was try'n to calm my irritated nerves...by rubb'n my legs as if they were a jeanie's bottle...and he figered he was gonna be gett'n his wish...

but just to spite him...i tried to make myself spontaneously combust!

by the time i reached his place...i was out and over him...and not even passed out yet...lay'n centimeters away...i heard the chime'n of the next conquest he was sett'n up on Adam4Adam...big whoop!

i can't fault him really...there were no vows exchanged...and thanx to Chris...

 just lustful cock monster thoughts...that would never be fulfilled

by morn'n i was off to my other non boom cheeky wow-wow friend Steve's fer the remainder of my vacation...as he laid there like a gin soaked
burrito...count'n his regrets!

by the time i made it back to the Minne-Apple...my sole concentration was on

BITCH FLOWERS and her show...believe it or not!

kittens...you don't realize what goes into putt'n on a show of this caliber?

1st off...i feel like Charlotte York after just convert'n to judaism...

 by annoy'n the host fer months to just "set the date"
(thanx Bitch)

starve'n yer piggy bank every year just to keep the monkey's tap dance'n...

 with at least one new look every year...cuz ya know some loyal kitten is never gonna let ya wear the same thing twice...without say'n somethin' bitchy about it

find'n and confirm'n the other performers...and come'n up with the concept...

 and find'n the perfect artist to complete it (thanx Faedre and Karen)

film'n the video's (thanx Tony)

learn'n the choreography (thanx Kelly)...rehearse'n the songs in yer head on a loop fer months til you've give'n yerself a home lobotomy...whore'n out the show to get the kittens to come...and in the end...all just fer a taste of the limelight with a dimly lit spotlight...just to let them know you were here!

it costs ALOT of money to look this cheap!

i may or may not be the official unofficial producer/manager/talent agent/promo whore of the show...depend'n on who you talk to...BUT...

i am THEE OFFICIAL unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe

so come to the show...and get off my dress!

ps...fer those who don't wanna deal with the hussle and bussle of the metro transit system or try'n to make yer donkey giddy-up...and you own an IPhone or Android or have access to the informational highway

let UBER take you there in style!

debunk'n the sister in mister

there are many many myths in the world that many many people have believed to be true...that sooner or later...at some point...gets debunked as 100% false

like fer instance...

late 80's double chocolate mint twins

Milli Vanilli...who took home a grammy for  best new artist in 1990...fer best lyp-sync'n by a group or duo

the A-Hole Team...

fer their strategic plann'n of their "mission accomplished" parade

Dizzney's very fergetable..."OZ the Great and Powerful"

which should'a been called "the Great and Powerful Headache from Hell"...i loves me some James Franco...i really do...but i felt like i was munch'n on a box of junior mint laxatives the entire time...the only thing this movie was really about...was about 2 1/2 hours too long

that a drag queen like...

RuPaul

a transgendered beauty like...

Amanda Lepore

a transvestite as sweet as...

James Franco

and those trans fats...

are all in the same

i'm here to tell ya kittens...they're not!

so lemme break down the myths about the drag queens...or as i prefer to use the term (in this CHER fersaken PC world we live in)..."perform'n illiusionists"...

cuz drag queen sounds so old and ugly...

of which i am neither...YET!

and when you can take a well endowed cock-a-doodle do and make it into a dirty lil kitty cat...you are in a sense perform'n a pretty damn good "illusion"

so with that in mind...let me debunk the myths you think you know to be true

# 1 all perform'n illusionists are gay

though the myth that ALL perform'n illusionists are non heterosexual...this has been debunked by many who see it strictly as an art form fer comic relief...and not a way of life

#2 all perform'n illusionists wanna be women

this is one of those myths...that i even knew as a teenager doin' the polka dance with puberty...thanx to shows like Phil Donahue back in the 80's...didn't hold a shred of truth...those would be of the "transgender" category...and though it's true that some performers are of a transgendered nature...they are no longer an "illusionist"...a huge chunk of "illusionsits" do it fer the attention they never received from their parent(s)...cuz they simply love it and it offers them a creative outlet....plus it's an easy way to make a fast buck without have'n to compromise yer morals under a burnt out street lamp in some back alley

#3 perform'n illusionists only perform fer the money

this myth is definitely soooo not true...though some illusionists make a decent live'n from perform'n... the vast majority of illusionists i know...have full-time jobs and spend more money than what they make from perform'n to get that perfect look...perform'n is an extremely expensive hobby when done correctly...that they just love doin...it's like a VanGogh or Monet that's come to life

#4 a perform'n illusionist is less of a man

this myth is usually brought upon by closeted non heterosexuals that think that they're fool'n the crowd with their "str8 act'n and appear'n" schtick!...well i'm here to tell you kittens...ya ain't fool'n anyone but yerself...since 10 times outta 10...they have their legs stapled to the ceil'n before i can get the front door shut...most illusionists are more of a man cuz they have the courage to do what they do...regardless what others may think...it takes an extremely confident man to put himself out there for others to judge and sometimes ridicule...just fer some green backs

# 5  all perform'n illusionists are bottoms

this myth sorta goes along with #4...and i'm here to tell ya kitten...THEY'RE NOT! *wink*wink*...of course i'm assume'n all you out there in read'n land know what i mean by "BOTTOM"...so no explanation should be required...if not...get a book!

#6  anyone can be a perform'n illusionist

this myth...though seems all inclusive...is somewhat exclusive...depend'n on what bar ya visit...perform'n as an illusionist is not easy...and not anyone can do it...you have to have that "it" factor...if yer gonna be an illusionist...you need to be able to capture the audience's attention and keep the monkey's tap dance'n til dawn...or at least til yer heels and hair is paid off...plus you also need to have a large unclogged heart and be will'n to work for nothin' to raise money for charities and help the community...this is not an easy task to ask

# 7 perform'n illusionist's never use their boy names

this myth...some say is...you should never use an illusionists "boy name" when the war paint is applied...which is sometimes true...but it all depends on the illusionist and the situation...if he is in his illusion...then you should use his illusionist name obviously...especially if you want any sorta attention from them... i call all other illusionists by their perform'n name whether they're in or outta their illusion...cuz i can't be bothered to remember who they really are...and i expect the same...(though a genuflection is customary when address'n me on the street)

#8 wearing a dress makes you a perform'n illusionist 

this myth couldn't be further from the truth...this is usually a sexual fetish made popular by a transvestite...and most of them are 100% non homosexual...but just love the feel of silky things carress'n their unwaxed...flat tired A double snakes

#9 all perform'n illusionists are bitchy

this myth...though does hold some truth since most performers are known fer their cattiness...or extreme bitchiness...and it's what the audience expects...but let's stop and look at it from their perspective...they're wear'n multiple pairs of tights...marinate'n in 10 pounds of maybelline under hot lights...in heels that weren't made for their feet...add to that a corset and have'n their junk taped to their trunk fer hours at a time sometimes...you  would be a lil bitchy too...plus some feel that they have the right to judge them and demand things from them the second they're off stage...(i'm talk'n to you damn bridal parties)...bein an illusionist is not easy job and therefore we've earned the right to be a lil bitchy from time to time...but in reality...the majority of them are the coolest creative people you will ever meet...most of them would give you their blouse off their backs...while they're secretly gett'n slipped yer boyfriend's number

#10 all perform'n illusionists love to be photographed

this myth is only true when they're in a controlled environment...and someone like David Lachapelle or Annie Lebowitz is behind the camera...let's face it...we are ALL attention whores to the nth degree...BUT...the majority of illusionists should never...i repeat NEVER...be spontaneously jumped in a crowd by a bunch of drunken fly'n monkeys with their iphones set fer stunned...who instantly instagram our horrored look on facebook or tumblr or any other website...you will instantly be blocked fer life...and well into yer next life...cuz we NEVER ferget a bad pic!...if you would like a memory with all our fabulessness in tact...just ask...we're more than happy to oblige...as long as you shoot from straight on...or above...and have enough vaseline on the lense to make us look like a fetus in a wig...like we imagine we look like once we've reached a certain age

there you have it kittens...10 myths about perform'n illusionists...debunked!

now...get ready fer the greatest show in the Minne-Apple...and get off my dress!