BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 3

picture it kittens...it was now 2024 and everyone's fav-o-rit office prankster

DUNDER MIFFLIN on the hit series "THE OFFICE" played by charismatic nerd JOHN KRASINSKI (i can freely admit #1 that i never seen a single episode of and #2 that i ever ever plan to do so) was considered the sexiest man alive by some has-been newsstand rag...

everyone was gett'n "TIPSY" with that infectious bar song by one hit hot chocolate wonder SHABOOZEY...make'n it a whole 19 weeks at #1 (oh yea...he was the #2 fer sure)

and though their movie was #1...i thought it was more like a total #2 show just 20 minutes into it just cuz these 2 seriously annoyed the ever live'n wizard of fuck outta me whenever i'd see them redundantly regurgitate over each other durin' promotional interviews while marinate'n in their own vomitous self deprecation panties...

cuz unfortunately...i was already marinate'n in a shit show of my very own!

click here fer pt. 1 and here fer pt. 2

and now to put the nail in the coffin conclusion to 

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) 

so after inform'n my thirsty throat plunger that there would absofuckinlutely

be no slapp'n of the salami upon his arrival...i gave him the green lite to come over and spill the tea that he apparently needed to in person

as i opened the front door i could sense a sense of down right distraught

in his demeanor as he showed up in his sunday best that saturday nite...so after lead'n him to the conversational area...

i poured him a cup of imaginary ambition as he poured out his immense heart...

about his most recent maxi padder's latest financial adventure that he unfortunately had a hand in create'n!

BUTT...here's the thing...

after tell'n me many years earlier that they both were open to the causal

possibilities of multiple maniac manipulations...you don't get to whine to me in the middle of some bleak winters nite just cuz things didn't go the way it was intended fer yer flavor...

though i sat there patiently like some mini german frosted flake...cling'n

 onto every word that my now sexually distraught patient had poured out to me...play'n a game of emotionally exhaust'n ping pong... 

desperately seek'n my sympathy fer the past hour to all of a sudden without any warn'n or inclination...suggest'n to me... 

"you outta marry me so that cunt doesn't get any of my social security"

this was either some sorta evil twisted plot to pull the financial plug out 

from under his double dipp'n maxi padder's persistent perverseness or someone who's come to the realization that their entire matrimonial parade was a calculated shrewd sharade...a blame game of monopoly misgive'ns where he would end up in some blindsided cell and i (a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y) was some sorta key to set him free (or so he led me to believe)

needless to say...i was absofuckinlutely gobsmacked to receive this very

 indecently intrigue'n yet highly deceptive proposal cuz he was always give'n off co-dependency vibes from the very start...and i've been a very independent dependent fer years...though at the same time i said to myself...

i said SELF...i definitely DON'T wanna shitty piece of pretentious jewelry...

also...i'm no spring chicken anymore (well not without the help of a dimly lit candle and a vat of vaseline on the lense anyways to make me look like a fetus in a wig) i'm more like an i've fall'n and can barely get up feline with work'n parts and alot closer to rent'n a room at SHADY PINES than i want to admit...plus...

it'll be nice to finally settle down to some "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons and toss'n back a few metamucil martini's after my nitely lime jell-o tube feed'n... 

before count'n sheep without have'n to book another flight to the red door clinic...hopefully!

oddly though...only 6 months into my proposed nuptials and i felt like my

euphoria was gett'n buried 6 feet under...all those rapturous matrimonial flutterbies had somehow...somewhere flown the coop and i began to contemplate if i was bein' duped...so fer the next 6 months i did what any insane devotee would do to change the stalemate situation they were now knee deep in and kicked it into over drive...

by not only suprise'n him with a nite on the town at some outta-my-price range speakeasy...

tickets to see the very sadly forgettable "PURPLE RAIN" musical...

merrily watch'n his mongrel (that i j'adored) on numerous occasions so he could get outta dodge...

but even JOAN CRAWFORD'n the fuck outta his pitiful palace once fer 6 hours after drive'n back early  from a very bountiful turkey dinner prepared by my bff PEETRINELLA and all i got in return upon his return from outta town was "geez...did yer OCD kick in again?"

i hadn't broken my "boundaries" by bend'n over backwards fer anyone 

like that in well over 20 years when i was embroiled in a tawdry and very tumultuous 4 1/2 year relationship that would give any sex therapist a run fer their money but this was just the salacious straw that broke this care'n camel's already sore back (mostly due to ride'n the waves in his waterbed) into give'n a single shit about it anymore and decided to mentally SARAH JESSICA PARKER my still supple and still smooth creamy white A-double snakes the H-E-double hockey stix outta his lair and vowed never to return and still haven't to this day!

mind you...i harbor no ill will towards him...it's just a learn'n curve ball 

in the game of life...however...i know that my worth is worth it's weight in dollar store diamonds so if you think this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe is ever gonna chow down on another measly matrimonial bullshit baloney sammich any time soon...think again! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

don't go just yet...

***BREAK'N SNEWZ***

anyone over the age of 50 remembers that iconic sarcastically affectionate

landlady in those kaleidoscopically infused muumuu's...drown'n in brilliantly colorful statement pieces and topped off with a brassy red wig from the Eva Gabor collection in the mid to late 1970's...HELEN ROPER...on the sexually ambiguous slap stick comedy series fer the 1st 3 seasons (that puts me to sleep nitely) THREE'S COMPANY

since the lame ass Zombie pub crawls have become trife and troublesome

ever since it's been take'n over by corporate cover charges...a new wave of cocktail crawlers have take'n over the liquor lounges across the land and i'll be host'n the very 1st happy hour in then Minne-Apple area fri oct. 16th ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY FREE at the James Ballentine Uptown VFW Post 246 honor'n the late great AUDREY LINDLEY...who incidentally passed away 29 years ago on the very same day (who knows...maybe i'll bring my ouija board and try and make contact with HELEN myself)

i've even designed not 1 but 2 HELEN specific cocktails to immerse you into the experience....so grab yer gorgeous gals and yer fabulous fagula's...mock yerself up in yer fav-o-rit muumuu and come and knock on our door!

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 2

pictured it kittens...it's now 2015 and we are in the year of the our lord

VADER's apprentice...as KYLO REN slashed his way thru the theater receipts fer the return of the sequel trilogy in the STAR WARS universe "THE FORCE AWAKENS" pull'n in a teeny weeny 2 bill at the box offices...

 british beauty ADELE returned to the music scene with her triumphant "power ballad" which basically was about gett'n closure to past loves or ANY random cock-suck'n-mutha-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n whore who may have done you wrong just the day before...and i didn't mean to Dr. Suess that last part that's just how my mind works (though frankly...i was more a fan of the dj remix myself)

and i had finally upgraded to the current insanity by become'n a hypnotized hemorrhoidal hopper jump'n aboard the technotoxic train known as the smart phone (cuz everyone apparently had issues watch'n me use'n the easy bake oven flip phone fer my choice of communicado)

though my dumb (yet still supple and pleasantly plump i might add) A-double snakes internally has a absofuckinglutely psychotic SALLY FIELDS melt-down everytime the fuck'n phone asks me fer a damn update to this very day!

in case you just decided to get with the program already in progress...

get a ticket to the catch-up train kitten and click here fer pt. 1 

oh yea one more thing...since i'm not doin a weekly reminder on ANY of

my many social media platforms these days (well...cuz i've gone bi...ummm lemme clarify that one...bi-weekly that is) if you wanna stay in touch with my psychologically insane philanthropic communicational endeavors and get a reminder when a new post drops...simply click the FOLLOW button under the STALKERS section to the left of my blog to stay up to date (you never know what free potentially harmful advice i'll expel from my cerebral cortex to appease yer menial existence) 

<---------- so click the FOLLOW button right over there approximately 5 inches up to the left under the STALKERS section kitten...DO IT NOW!

and now exactly what you been wait'n fer...the unbearable conclusion to... 

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 2

so after a few months into my newly acquired trilogy of terror follow'n me

around like a dreadful demon from H-E-double hockey stix...an equally demoralize'n demon that i so aptly referred to as Sallie May Day-Hat... 

who also happened to be the Thelma to my Louise at the moment...had convinced me to sign up fer yet another reason to disassociate myself with society and the lost art of verbally charged communicational skills by hopp'n onto the GRINDR train-wreck!

after create'n my profile....i decided to dive into the deep end of depravity

by accumulate'n as many "fans" as possible...it was like an anal retentive rubiks cube try'na decipher between the dear abby readers want'n a relationship to the daily dick swapp'n ass eaters collect'n another hole on their red door clinic punch card...and lemme tell you...

like a junkie to heroin...i was hooked!

a few months into the "hung"er or not games...i was unceremoniously  

summoned by a simple acknowledgement from a random chest shot inform'n me that they knew who i was (well that was back when my mugshot was readily available...unlike today fer very obvious reasons)

of course i had asked him to simply identify himself or just move along...

and after a few tic-tac-doh! messages...turns out my insta oatmeal interest was my craigslist catastrophe from a couple years earlier that evidently wanted to try and rekindle the unemotional wreckage he caused after inform'n me that his current tweety twat he was now ceremoniously attached to fer the past 2 years was a swinger like him

initially i will admit that i had zero interest in rekindle'n this fire of fickleness

BUTT...after a few relentless months

i finally was broken down and ate my morally corrupt indignation salad

loaded with plenty of passe' farver beans and a cautiously optimistic chianti when i decided to meet them both out fer a nite on the town to shoot the shit...as it were!

turns out she seemed to be (by all my already low standards) someone 

worth gett'n to know on a trial basis...she was the temu version of JOAN JETT's doppelganger with her jet black locks and smoked out eyeliner and had that buy one get one free personality that is lack'n in most people these days...that is until my past "bad reputation" went to get us cosmo's and his current "crimson and clover" point blank says to me "i think it would be really hot to watch you fuck my husband"

ummm yea...well here's the thing regard'n my "indiscretionary" life choices

if you wanna participate in any kinda ring around the rosey with a pocket full of dick with me...ya gotta come equipped with the same plumb'n...NO EXEMPTIONS or P-E-R-I-O-D pieces allowed!

regardless of this very blatant request to have me expose my very throat 

plunge'n abilities fer her lil rectal reindeer games...i proceeded to become a regular gobble'n grifter over the next few years at their dinner table...

spend'n time with their very diverse yet downright delightful demons...

even gett'n convinced to go on a 3 hour tour with them practically every other weekend durin' the boat'n season along the St Croix..that is until one year JOAN would become absent the entire summer as we set sail and by the winter of 2024 i had received an out of left field urgent text in the middle of the nite

i was only stay'n minutes away from my cautionary casanova's one cold

and dark wintery even'n...watch'n my sibling's offspring's offsprings' 

(you do the math)

so i swiftly texted him back to just gimme a ringy dingy...nevertheless...he vehemently insisted that i had to speak with him in person...PRONTO!

well...lemme tell you...i hadn't heard this particular urgency in someone's

text ever since the red door clinic sent me an email say'n i was personally named in a "situation" some 20 years ago and needed to come in fer a "visit" 

oooookay...FINE!

just when you thought you were finally gett'n to the end of this already

longer than PETER OSTRUM's career conclusion that should'a ended before it began...

OOPS! i did it again! tune in next time fer the REAL excruciate'n final finale to BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...ummm...don't make me take my belt off...hit that FOLLOW button on yer left approximately a foot and a half up N-O-W! (cuz i ain't send'n out pt. 3 or any others that follow in the future)

***BREAK'N SNEWZ***

apparently if yer read'n this from yer hand held device while make'n yer daily sacrificial meatloaf to yer porcelain god...you have to click on the "view web version" below the pink box with the word HOME in it at the end of this utterly fascinate'n story to get to the FOLLOW button page!