BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 1

what is that tired old whiny phrase?...one should NEVER eva say NEVER!

weh-heh-heeellll...it's about fuck'n time...don'tcha think my pretty lil mink? when we last left off back in 2023 i had a lil over 618k voyeuristic views before pull'n a Houdini on you all...since then i've managed to wrangle in another 800k+ stalkers without say'n a simple syrupy word so i figered it was time fer round 2 and believe you me...this time around...there's gonna be none of that damn NO HOLDS BARRED bullshit...FUCK THAT!!! it's gonna be a NO HOLDS BARRED X 100!!! i'm pull'n out ALL the plausibly pungent punches and serve'n every one of you curious kittens a plateful of the liably laughable lunches imaginably imaginable that my feeble lil mind can conjure up! 

(but NOT in a TAWNY KITAEN kinda way...OH NOOOO!)

more like in a WAKE ME UP (before you go-go runn'n off to yer socially unsupportive overly charged therapist way)

don't get me wrong....i am very well aware of how the climate of caustic

casual conversations has now turned into that annoy'nly weary WENDY RICHTER vs FABULOUS MOOLAH smack-down of salacious sling'ns and cuntentious casualties of the who's what and the WTF's of the pronoun pyramid scheme

seriously...call yerself what ever the live'n fiddlers fuck you wanna believe 

you are...it's truly not gonna affect mine or anyone else's life in the slightest...though trust me...there still is gonna be life fortunately after the love you think that you so rightfully deserve and yet unceremoniously get completely denied...

time after time!

cuz u gotta know that i outta know...after all...i was practically "engaged" 

fer all unpractical purposes to a former craigslist recipient last year (fer roughly a year) that i had met in the middle of my earlier than unusual mid-life crisis a lil over 13 years ago...who i knew from day one was gonna be nothin' more to me but a mere dickstraction from a former feral fickle fagolicious pickle that had been occupy'n my mental space without pay'n me the standard monthly emotional support rent that i so righteously deserved after pick'n him up from one self induced chemical crisis after another

he was ALMOST everything that i was ALMOST look'n for at the moment...

i was served up thee almost most killa kosmic kocktails durin'  this time frame which was my go to poison at this juncture in the road...

catered to an abosfuckinlutely phenomenal almost 5 star Michelin meal whenever i spent the nite...

all while watch'n almost everyone's fav-o-rit homo depot card carry'n politically-on-point clam collector RACHEL MADDOW...

then ended in the midnite hour by swapp'n throat plunge'n sonnets into each others esophagus in his almost blissfully bland boudoir...

BUUUUUUUT all of a sudden... 

(yea...you thought i'd forgotten huh didn'tcha kitten?)

after roughly 6 months into our bi-weekly routine of the bi-cautious affair 

that i tried to ferget by the time dawn had broken with my bedroom romeo 

(oh did i fergot to mention he was previously married to a maxi padder?)

well...since i was all too familiar that this "bi-scenario" was not gonna lead to any sorta Breakfast At Tiffany's bagels to remember (nor thankfully to regret) it was all just a frivolous and fancy...unsalted adulted entertainment with a free bonus fer me...

and lemme tell ya...that bonus practically had it's own P.O. box!

his only purpose to me at this place in time was to fulfill all my purposes...

all of which he had dutifully done...cuz i was thrilled that i didn't have to cook another shitty box of stale stove top crunch on burnt toast dinners then wash it down with a lukewarm glass of indignation a couple of days outta the week...

i was beyond elated that i didn't have to pay fer top shelf tanqueray...since i was beyond embarrassed when i found out that my local liquor store would not accept my platinum EBT card one even'n...

and i was over the moon that i got to enjoy some top notch pundit crotch since i couldn't afford cable in my shitbox (sorry fer that...i'm try'na not be sooo negative this time around) i mean my quaint lil shitbox!

unfortunately the only mountain i wanted broken was his backhanded bs 

he...like so many many others from my past shenanigans had sent me via the tic tac text'n sharade parade...

instead of a grown ass face to face confrontation...oops i mean C-L-O-S-U-R-E...pathetically imply'n of course that i wanted him more than he wanted me...all while declare'n that tired "it's not you it's me" dribble to soften the blow...oh and then he decided to top it off bi-say'n he was hitch'n up his giddy up to maxi padder #2!

ummm yea...kum-bye-ya my not so lil prairie dog with more issues than a yearly Vanity Affair subscription!

well there ya have it kittens...ain'tcha glad i came back? oh puhleez...

it's been like 3 years of blue-ball build-up H-E-double hockey stix fer me...who can stand all that damn pressure i ask you? i'm ready to explode...so stay tuned fer pt. 2 of BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!)

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

oh and ps...btw...i'm still thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...howeva...my newly acquired covid crown'n hence forth...i will be known simply as THE MATTRESS HATTER! (Krystal Kleer is hang'n up her heels fer the time bein' since i have no insurance or a huv-a-round at my disposal in case i teeter when i should'a tottered) perhaps you may even find me at some local non-union stand-up club test'n out my many muse'n live sometime in the not so distant future...perhaps!

oh yea...pps...GET OFF MY DRESS is goin bi (weekly that is) i have too many bee's in my unmade bonnet to truly dedicate a weekly read'n at my tender twilight stage!

A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 3

picture it kittens...it's now 2023 and we were totally emersed in the PINK!

and by that i don't mean 2 in the *BLANK* and 1 in the *BLANK* (insert vomit here) of course i'm speak'n of MARGOT ROBBIE's portrayal of the I-C-O-N-I-C-C-C-C doll (hold on a sec...can someone puhleez get my good friend Nicole read'n this a paper bag cuz she's hyperventilate'n from laugh'n hysterically and just carry on with the blog? i can hear you from my commode!) in the "BARBIE" flick which was the #1 movie fer 4 weeks in a row and took in over a very mind blow'n 1 billion dollars...make'n it Warner Brothers highest gross'n film ever in it's 100 year history

and ps...the O-R-I-G-I-N-A-L single "BARBIE GIRL" released in 1997 by danish/norwegians AQUA hands down is a gazillion times more catchy than that crapolla yeast infection of a remake they shoved down our throats in the movie (that's just a simple fact Z'ers...deal wit it!)

BRENDA MAE TARPLEY known to the world simply as BRENDA LEE

recorded the famous xmas jingle "ROCK'N AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" in 1958 however it would take BRENDA at the age of 79 to not only become the oldest to have a hit on the billboard hot 100 charts but also the 1st musical artist to ever enter the charts with a number 1 song she had recorded 65 years earlier

and just as the critically acclaimed series about the malicious monarchy 

" THE CROWN" comes to a dramatic end after 6 breath take'n and brilliantly acted sensationally scandalous seasons deal'n with the ins and outs over the decades of the most famous royal family of our times...

so to does this blog of thee most famously unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe after 13 breath take'n and brilliantly penned sensationally scandalous years (what perfect time'n huh!) deal'n with my own ins and outs over the years (more on that after these important messages)

BUTT fer the last time...click here fer pt 1 and click here fer pt 2

10 years later and ankles deep into my metamucil years i would wake up 

in the middle of the nite from a narcoleptic nap on the lanai and turned on my cell to chat amongst the sea of throat plungers and anal annie's online only to find a message from a potential prodicktion company once again (can you imagine...at my advanced age?) offer'n me an offer i shouldn't refuse (the follow'n is the actual "offer" i received...the pictorial content has been edited...hey there are lil kittens read'n this durin' storytime pervie's)

along with his credentials...cuz why not!

WOW! you mean all i have to do is enter my platinum Pamida credit card

 information into yer "link" fer a one time payment then yer banana will be splitt'n me in 2 and you'll actually PAY ME afterwards fer gape'n my chili pipeline?

well lemme tell you i considered his very "generous" offer H-O-W-E-V-E-R

 i wasn't born yesterday...as hot as my midnite cowboy may have looked...i hadda pretty good sneak'n suspicion that my dreamy dalliance was most likely a slovakian hot dog vendor named Akeem contact'n me from a call center in Jakarta think'n he had roped in some cataract slut so i sent him a simple rebuttal and just to make sure that there was zero conclusion as to where i was cumm'n from...

i made my pole position unrefutably KRYSTAL KLEER as how to contact me...

unfortunately...5 minutes later...my account (as well as my dignity) was completely blocked from any further contact with my manwich meal ticket...that's all!

to say this has been a journey is a total understatement...i began down

this road 13 unlucky years ago with my random weekly muse'ns (thanks to my friend Karen's advice) as just a simple amuse'n dive'n board to promote my 1st ever attempt at write'n my very 1st ever EBT budgeted stage production under my very own dimly lit spotlight fer a change to get some spare change fer my piggy wiggly bank (thanks to my friend Mary's advice) which incidentally had mentally and financially put me in a hole deeper than any of my X's oddly enough

H-O-W-E-V-E-R with a new chapter of my life finally beginn'n shortly this

ain't goodbye fer good (just bye fer now and that's good!) 

in short i've been work'n on chapters fer a physical hard cover version of

 my words of tacky and tawdry whimsical wisdom fer the past 2 years and try'na wrap it up so you can wrap it up and put it under someone's tacky tinseled tree at this time next year... 

plus here's hope'n my sometimes saucy though mostly twisted thoughts can turn into some sorta money make'n machine fer me (who knows) so cross yer heart bra's...

fer the simple reason that i gotta move outta my quaint lil shithole of 13 years and into my dream shithole trailer...cuz WHY NOT! (stay tuned)

and just like that geographical hit from that snappy and sensible songbird

from the 60's LYNN ANDERSON sing’n "I'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE" i truly have been everywhere…bein’ read around the world since this blog's incredible inception offer'n free advice and frivolous anecdotes from the back alley abortion clinics in Boise to the desolate depravities live’n on the Siberian deserts

i've hoped i'd made you laugh just a lil...i've hoped i'd made you cry just a

lil...i've hoped i'd made you broaden yer horizons just a lil...i've even hoped i'd made you ferget about yer own miserable life fer a just a lil and focus just a lil more on mine but mostly... 

i hope you just GET OFF MY DRESS!

A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 2

picture it kittens...the year was 1992 and ALLEY SHEEDY was act'n all

kinds of shady towards BRIDGET FONDA in the intense roommate from hell chiller thriller "SINGLE WHITE FEMALE"

the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts with her

haunt'n melancholy ballad "THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND" which was the theme song from the movie "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" that incidentally could'a totally been the theme song to my very own epitaph i was currently immersed in at the moment

KIMBERY SHAW's multiple personalities were cause'n all kinds of chaos

on the set of "MELROSE PLACE" (to which i could totally relate to as well at the time) so click here fer a ticket to the catch-up train with pt 1 in order to understand this now very plausible conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!

once inside i was told to hang my coat and cap up and to make myself

uncomfortable on his couch while he went to open the bedroom door behind me when all of a sudden i felt like i was Gulliver on the wrong travels as i was viciously attacked by an army of about 13 kittens followed by my body experience'n some sorta anaphylactic shock all of a sudden from the ammonia permeate'n from the kitty boxes in his boudoir then JABBA would suspiciously pop his head out from behind the bedroom door ask'n me a simple question...

"do you know who CHI CHI LaRue is?" 

sounded like some sorta vicious venereal disease i really wanted no part 

of though apparently i was wrong when my hefty hemorrhoided homemaker informed me that he was indeed the titillated talent scout fer LaRude's throat plunge'n prodicktion company and had informed me that i would be the perfect corn fed fucker fer her next dick flick as he so non discretely pushed play on his vcr with his remote he pulled from his back britches fer the nites visual "educational" entertainment then proceeded to gingerly pop into his kitchen thus return'n with a smarmy smirk plastered across his mug as well as an obscene offer fer me...

"i don't have much money but here's $15 and 2 cans of diet coke if you jack off to this movie with me?" (and yes...sadly that is a direct quote) 

although i was at a very impressionable age...i was not that impressed 

with his offer to which i swiftly and snarkly of course responded "i don't even like diet coke" (nor was i totally brain dead either) the only talent this diabetic scout worked fer was the tidy bowl on taco tuesday's durin' the all-u-can eat nite at el burrito's

needless to say...i was not a very good escort at negotiations as i was  so

unceremoniously escorted out of his abhorrent petri dish of a pink eye'd pad at 3 am fer not comply'n to his demented demands and thus had to subsequently walk 7 miles thru the blister'n tundra of Hoth to the wait'n room of the downtown hennepin county hospital and waited there fer 3 more hours where i was luckily hired come interview time at 7am

BUTT...there's more...

20 years would go by before i was offered yet another role into the adult

entertainment biz when i answered an ad fer a couple on craigslist one lazy afternoon that was look'n fer a photographer to do a saucy shootie toot toot fer their 5 year anniversary together however when i arrived to the address i was give'n (which was not yer average prom participants at some no tell motel to my surprise) 

cuz my couple turned out to be a couple of beefy tooth chippers (also to my surprise) stay'n at some fancy schmancy motel 6 adjacent upgrade...oh and i was also surprised when they asked me to personally BRIAN DE PALMA this throat plunge'n production instead and since i had never filmed anyone before (at this point in time) i said i would forgo my fee (like an idiot of course)

i just requested a signal in order to lemme know when the "money shot" happens so i can zoom in (from what i've seen in past productions) though eventually these steroided butt pirates needed my "ASSistance" to which i said that it would put this charade parade into "post prodicktion" and therefore i would have to charge them double over time

45 minutes later...i would leave with my dignity still in tact as they were

 diligently wipe'n their dignity off the remote control and tv screen (don't ask!) nonetheless...i am now eligible to become a member of the directors guild of america at the very least (i believe) so i've updated my resume to reflect my experience...

ummm COLIN FARRELL (i know yer read'n this...i mean...why wouldn't you be?) you can be expect'n a call from my people soon...i think i have the perfect role fer you!

well just when ya thought it was all ova kittens...i decide...I DECIDE!

tune in next week fer pt 3 of A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!