BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 2

pictured it kittens...it's now 2015 and we are in the year of the our lord

VADER's apprentice...as KYLO REN slashed his way thru the theater receipts fer the return of the sequel trilogy in the STAR WARS universe "THE FORCE AWAKENS" pull'n in a teeny weeny 2 bill at the box offices...

 british beauty ADELE returned to the music scene with her triumphant "power ballad" which basically was about gett'n closure to past loves or ANY random cock-suck'n-mutha-fuck'n-pig-slutt'n whore who may have done you wrong just the day before...and i didn't mean to Dr. Suess that last part that's just how my mind works (though frankly...i was more a fan of the dj remix myself)

and i had finally upgraded to the current insanity by become'n a hypnotized hemorrhoidal hopper jump'n aboard the technotoxic train known as the smart phone (cuz everyone apparently had issues watch'n me use'n the easy bake oven flip phone fer my choice of communicado)

though my dumb (yet still supple and pleasantly plump i might add) A-double snakes internally has a absofuckinglutely psychotic SALLY FIELDS melt-down everytime the fuck'n phone asks me fer a damn update to this very day!

in case you just decided to get with the program already in progress...

get a ticket to the catch-up train kitten and click here fer pt. 1 

oh yea one more thing...since i'm not doin a weekly reminder on ANY of

my many social media platforms these days (well...cuz i've gone bi...ummm lemme clarify that one...bi-weekly that is) if you wanna stay in touch with my psychologically insane philanthropic communicational endeavors and get a reminder when a new post drops...simply click the FOLLOW button under the STALKERS section to the left of my blog to stay up to date (you never know what free potentially harmful advice i'll expel from my cerebral cortex to appease yer menial existence) 

<---------- so click the FOLLOW button right over there approximately 5 inches up to the left under the STALKERS section kitten...DO IT NOW!

and now exactly what you been wait'n fer...the unbearable conclusion to... 

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 2

so after a few months into my newly acquired trilogy of terror follow'n me

around like a dreadful demon from H-E-double hockey stix...an equally demoralize'n demon that i so aptly referred to as Sallie May Day-Hat... 

who also happened to be the Thelma to my Louise at the moment...had convinced me to sign up fer yet another reason to disassociate myself with society and the lost art of verbally charged communicational skills by hopp'n onto the GRINDR train-wreck!

after create'n my profile....i decided to dive into the deep end of depravity

by accumulate'n as many "fans" as possible...it was like an anal retentive rubiks cube try'na decipher between the dear abby readers want'n a relationship to the daily dick swapp'n ass eaters collect'n another hole on their red door clinic punch card...and lemme tell you...

like a junkie to heroin...i was hooked!

a few months into the "hung"er or not games...i was unceremoniously  

summoned by a simple acknowledgement from a random chest shot inform'n me that they knew who i was (well that was back when my mugshot was readily available...unlike today fer very obvious reasons)

of course i had asked him to simply identify himself or just move along...

and after a few tic-tac-doh! messages...turns out my insta oatmeal interest was my craigslist catastrophe from a couple years earlier that evidently wanted to try and rekindle the unemotional wreckage he caused after inform'n me that his current tweety twat he was now ceremoniously attached to fer the past 2 years was a swinger like him

initially i will admit that i had zero interest in rekindle'n this fire of fickleness

BUTT...after a few relentless months

i finally was broken down and ate my morally corrupt indignation salad

loaded with plenty of passe' farver beans and a cautiously optimistic chianti when i decided to meet them both out fer a nite on the town to shoot the shit...as it were!

turns out she seemed to be (by all my already low standards) someone 

worth gett'n to know on a trial basis...she was the temu version of JOAN JETT's doppelganger with her jet black locks and smoked out eyeliner and had that buy one get one free personality that is lack'n in most people these days...that is until my past "bad reputation" went to get us cosmo's and his current "crimson and clover" point blank says to me "i think it would be really hot to watch you fuck my husband"

ummm yea...well here's the thing regard'n my "indiscretionary" life choices

if you wanna participate in any kinda ring around the rosey with a pocket full of dick with me...ya gotta come equipped with the same plumb'n...NO EXEMPTIONS or P-E-R-I-O-D pieces allowed!

regardless of this very blatant request to have me expose my very throat 

plunge'n abilities fer her lil rectal reindeer games...i proceeded to become a regular gobble'n grifter over the next few years at their dinner table...

spend'n time with their very diverse yet downright delightful demons...

even gett'n convinced to go on a 3 hour tour with them practically every other weekend durin' the boat'n season along the St Croix..that is until one year JOAN would become absent the entire summer as we set sail and by the winter of 2024 i had received an out of left field urgent text in the middle of the nite

i was only stay'n minutes away from my cautionary casanova's one cold

and dark wintery even'n...watch'n my sibling's offspring's offsprings' 

(you do the math)

so i swiftly texted him back to just gimme a ringy dingy...nevertheless...he vehemently insisted that i had to speak with him in person...PRONTO!

well...lemme tell you...i hadn't heard this particular urgency in someone's

text ever since the red door clinic sent me an email say'n i was personally named in a "situation" some 20 years ago and needed to come in fer a "visit" 

oooookay...FINE!

just when you thought you were finally gett'n to the end of this already

longer than PETER OSTRUM's career conclusion that should'a ended before it began...

OOPS! i did it again! tune in next time fer the REAL excruciate'n final finale to BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...ummm...don't make me take my belt off...hit that FOLLOW button on yer left approximately a foot and a half up N-O-W! (cuz i ain't send'n out pt. 3 or any others that follow in the future)

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 1

what is that tired old whiny phrase?...one should NEVER eva say NEVER!

weh-heh-heeellll...it's about fuck'n time...don'tcha think my pretty lil mink? when we last left off back in 2023 i had a lil over 618k voyeuristic views before pull'n a Houdini on you all...since then i've managed to wrangle in another 800k+ stalkers without say'n a simple syrupy word so i figered it was time fer round 2 and believe you me...this time around...there's gonna be none of that damn NO HOLDS BARRED bullshit...FUCK THAT!!! it's gonna be a NO HOLDS BARRED X 100!!! i'm pull'n out ALL the plausibly pungent punches and serve'n every one of you curious kittens a plateful of the liably laughable lunches imaginably imaginable that my feeble lil mind can conjure up! 

(but NOT in a TAWNY KITAEN kinda way...OH NOOOO!)

more like in a WAKE ME UP (before you go-go runn'n off to yer socially unsupportive overly charged therapist way)

don't get me wrong....i am very well aware of how the climate of caustic

casual conversations has now turned into that annoy'nly weary WENDY RICHTER vs FABULOUS MOOLAH smack-down of salacious sling'ns and cuntentious casualties of the who's what and the WTF's of the pronoun pyramid scheme

seriously...call yerself what ever the live'n fiddlers fuck you wanna believe 

you are...it's truly not gonna affect mine or anyone else's life in the slightest...though trust me...there still is gonna be life fortunately after the love you think that you so rightfully deserve and yet unceremoniously get completely denied...

time after time!

cuz u gotta know that i outta know...after all...i was practically "engaged" 

fer all unpractical purposes to a former craigslist recipient last year (fer roughly a year) that i had met in the middle of my earlier than unusual mid-life crisis a lil over 13 years ago...who i knew from day one was gonna be nothin' more to me but a mere dickstraction from a former feral fickle fagolicious pickle that had been occupy'n my mental space without pay'n me the standard monthly emotional support rent that i so righteously deserved after pick'n him up from one self induced chemical crisis after another

he was ALMOST everything that i was ALMOST look'n for at the moment...

i was served up thee almost most killa kosmic kocktails durin'  this time frame which was my go to poison at this juncture in the road...

catered to an abosfuckinlutely phenomenal almost 5 star Michelin meal whenever i spent the nite...

all while watch'n almost everyone's fav-o-rit homo depot card carry'n politically-on-point clam collector RACHEL MADDOW...

then ended in the midnite hour by swapp'n throat plunge'n sonnets into each others esophagus in his almost blissfully bland boudoir...

BUUUUUUUT all of a sudden... 

(yea...you thought i'd forgotten huh didn'tcha kitten?)

after roughly 6 months into our bi-weekly routine of the bi-cautious affair 

that i tried to ferget by the time dawn had broken with my bedroom romeo 

(oh did i fergot to mention he was previously married to a maxi padder?)

well...since i was all too familiar that this "bi-scenario" was not gonna lead to any sorta Breakfast At Tiffany's bagels to remember (nor thankfully to regret) it was all just a frivolous and fancy...unsalted adulted entertainment with a free bonus fer me...

and lemme tell ya...that bonus practically had it's own P.O. box!

his only purpose to me at this place in time was to fulfill all my purposes...

all of which he had dutifully done...cuz i was thrilled that i didn't have to cook another shitty box of stale stove top crunch on burnt toast dinners then wash it down with a lukewarm glass of indignation a couple of days outta the week...

i was beyond elated that i didn't have to pay fer top shelf tanqueray...since i was beyond embarrassed when i found out that my local liquor store would not accept my platinum EBT card one even'n...

and i was over the moon that i got to enjoy some top notch pundit crotch since i couldn't afford cable in my shitbox (sorry fer that...i'm try'na not be sooo negative this time around) i mean my quaint lil shitbox!

unfortunately the only mountain i wanted broken was his backhanded bs 

he...like so many many others from my past shenanigans had sent me via the tic tac text'n sharade parade...

instead of a grown ass face to face confrontation...oops i mean C-L-O-S-U-R-E...pathetically imply'n of course that i wanted him more than he wanted me...all while declare'n that tired "it's not you it's me" dribble to soften the blow...oh and then he decided to top it off bi-say'n he was hitch'n up his giddy up to maxi padder #2!

ummm yea...kum-bye-ya my not so lil prairie dog with more issues than a yearly Vanity Affair subscription!

well there ya have it kittens...ain'tcha glad i came back? oh puhleez...

it's been like 3 years of blue-ball build-up H-E-double hockey stix fer me...who can stand all that damn pressure i ask you? i'm ready to explode...so stay tuned fer pt. 2 of BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!)

now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

oh and ps...btw...i'm still thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...howeva...my newly acquired covid crown'n hence forth...i will be known simply as THE MATTRESS HATTER! (Krystal Kleer is hang'n up her heels fer the time bein' since i have no insurance or a huv-a-round at my disposal in case i teeter when i should'a tottered) perhaps you may even find me at some local non-union stand-up club test'n out my many muse'n live sometime in the not so distant future...perhaps!

oh yea...pps...GET OFF MY DRESS is goin bi (weekly that is) i have too many bee's in my unmade bonnet to truly dedicate a weekly read'n at my tender twilight stage!