MOCK'N THE CASBAH!

to all my GEN X'ers out there within my universally loved blog sphere...

remember that raucous rambunctious right to civil disobedience anthem that THE CLASH dropped in 1979 as a big howdy do FUCK YOU to authority? (and yes i'm very well aware that the above gif is to ANOTHER massive hit by them...so don't be some douchey girrock and go write'n yer local radio station or council cunt about an immediate correction that ain't eva gonna happen...KAPEESH!) 

from a very young and tender age we are all taught to respect authority...

from tepid teachers..to pesky preachers...parental figures to pew pew piggers and absolutely anyone donning clown attire!

well...maybe not E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!

i can recall the very 1st time that i had my very own run-in with the law...

back in 1984 when me...2 of my brothers and my sister were casually meander'n thru the aisles of our local Snyder Drugs store within the confines of the Plaza Square durin' a balmy fall season with southwesterly winds outta the east at 5 to 10 miles per hour (hush...don't question me...i'm tell'n the story) any'who'zll'ding...my sister (4 years my junior) had pointed out a medium sized plastic bendy witch toy that she began play'n with and without hesitation i picked thru my pockets fer any loose change to get it fer her but realized i was roughly 75 cents short so i had her go follow my other 2 brothers out of the store and i'd catch up to them shortly

as they all left the store i immediately went into 5 finger discount mode

fer the very first time (i might add) and tried to figer out my plan of escape...remember'n the 1st rule from Miss Grosnek's kinderbeaner class before cross'n the street...so i looked left...i looked right...then i looked left again...and then i remembered i hadda hit the lil tinkletorium thanx to that damn can of TAB that i had guzzled down before we headed to the store...so i quickly shoved said toy down to the depths of my nether regions of my temu version of grey parachute pants i got one Xmas from Spurgeon's clothing store and headed timidly fer the exit...

BUTT all of a sudden...

outta nowhere this vaginal wart with blood red glittered nails as sharp as a 

neurotic eagles talons...latched onto my left shoulder like prey...catch'n me a millisecond before i had the chance to cross the line of demarcation damnation and drug me back into the store...down a long florescent cavernous hellway in the back behind the prophylactics and suppository section...up a short flight of stairs...into a cold desolate grey room the size of a prison cell and called the popo to come "take me awaaaay" like a calgon bath (oh wait...i was 14 and this was Winona after all...i could only DREAM that the cops looked like that back then)

after roughly the 15 minute interrogation under the hot lamp by the total 

titless tattle-tale twat was over...this bloated Barney Fife fucker walks into the room to finish the process by lead'n me out the back door into the alley and into his squad car without say'n a single word til we got to the station (i thought to myself...AH SHIT!! my life on the run is O-V-E-R before it even began!)

inside the station...chief Wiggums noticed my mental state and tried to 

calm me down with a small cup of OJ and a long John from our local bakery BLOEDOW'S then proceeded to tell me what i had done was wrong but assured me that everything would be ok...that is UNTIL..(cue the dramatic DUH DUH DUHHHH! themed music) 

moments later...my parental tour guide and my parish's priest walk in...

seriously...it was like a demented joke unfold'n in front of my very almond shaped deep chestnut brown bedroom eyes (that my 4th grade teacher had made a comment on back then...true story...don't worry...she's NOT my type) though i knew the second i made it into the confines of my home i'd never hear the end of it...oh and to make this insanity story even worse...that sunday i hadda dip into the confessional as our priest asked me thru the ornate wooden confessional cell bars "do you have anything you need to ask for fer forgiveness?" to which i simply replied with a disgruntled attitude like a coked up hooker gett'n stiffed on payday "don't play stupid...i was there...you were there (look'n up) HE was there...the jig is up!" 

i had decided to quit the voodoo party...i mean church...that i was forced into on my own volition that very day after that shifty shady showcase showdown altercation!

it would be a whole 20 years before i would have another run-in with the

basturds in blue...and though technically i was only 1 fuck'n point over the legal limit...i can free admit this was (on a technicality) my fault...however...

i am irish...i can pah-duh-boo-ray better than any Baryshnikov out there...hell...i'd need to be at least 10 points over the limit before i'd even be considered a jaywalker at best after all (and yes...i'm all too familiar that that's what a drunk tank would most likely murmur)

so by the time i had gotten released...i was in all sorts of unjustifiable dishevelment and no beauty squad at my disposal...luckily the Annie Leibovitz take'n my mugshot that late nite let me collect my thoughts and composure and obliged me with a do-over since my 1st shot had me look'n like a swollen puffer fish with tear stained eyes... 

and if Paris Hilton has taught me anything about gett'n arrested...it's that you wanna make damn sure you look yer best at all times...especially when they get to the downfall portion of yer E true hollyweird story!

just like clock work...it would be 20 years later and once again i'd come in

contact with the law...though thankfully 3rd times a charm cuz this time i was on the other side of the bullet proof partition as the fresh new Annie Leibovitz of my local sheriff's office...

and i made damn sure that every crook...crazy or coke head looked their absolute finest (hey...i was think'n about their own true hollyweird story)

however...after 4 arduous months on the job...without any kinda warn'n...

my lieutenant decided to abruptly rearrange my schedule and apparently since i was at the bottom of the seniority totem pole (even though i'm 99.9% a top regardless of what you've heard) i couldn't switch to the appropriate hours to accommodate my narcoleptic sleep'n disorder (that i had asked for) so i was told to just put in my 2 weeks notice like a compliant chimp and i'd be let go with good stand'n to pursue another position within the county...of which i did

however once i applied fer my funemployment durin' my pursuit of another 

position...I WAS DENIED!!  what in the pepsi cola board meet'n bullshit was happen'n? i filled out all the damn paperwork...i completed my 2 damn weeks...i did my damn exit interview...then come to find out that my lieutenant stated to the funemployment office that i DID NOT ASK for accommodations! luckily...i remembered it was all in blue ink in my exit interview (that the lieutenant also said i couldn't have a copy of when i asked for it just seconds after i clocked out...state'n it was now "states evidence") 

again WTF??? states evidence? this was my cause to dismiss my duties...

not a damn confession to a murder or bank heist so i sued the Clairol #9 cuntasaurus and won ALL my funemployment benjamins back and went on with my pursuit of unhappiness leave'n the entire damn experience behind me

6 months later while i was gleefully gallop'n around at some Judy Garland 

jamboree next to an absolute gem of an ancient co-worker's palace...when i overheard a very distinct laugh i'd remembered from somewhere in my past and suddenly noticed it was come'n from one of the co-workers i'd chatted to in pass'n durin' my shift at the sheriff's office...so i meandered my way slowly thru the crowd and made my way up to them... 

"hey...i remember you from the sheriff's office a while back" to which she replied "well i probably arrested you then" to which i raised my eyebrow and looked into her cataracts and said "umm no...we worked together..i took the mugshots" and then without hesitation she quirked her face in amazement and said "oh yea...they're STILL talk'n about you there cuz you are the first one to ever sue the lieutenant" 

i chimed in and said "well...she shouldn't have lied to the court!" took a sip of my non existent cocktail...turned and went on my merrily ferrily way!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) pt. 3

picture it kittens...it was now 2024 and everyone's fav-o-rit office prankster

DUNDER MIFFLIN on the hit series "THE OFFICE" played by charismatic nerd JOHN KRASINSKI (i can freely admit #1 that i never seen a single episode of and #2 that i ever ever plan to do so) was considered the sexiest man alive by some has-been newsstand rag...

everyone was gett'n "TIPSY" with that infectious bar song by one hit hot chocolate wonder SHABOOZEY...make'n it a whole 19 weeks at #1 (oh yea...he was the #2 fer sure)

and though their movie was #1...i thought it was more like a total #2 show just 20 minutes into it just cuz these 2 seriously annoyed the ever live'n wizard of fuck outta me whenever i'd see them redundantly regurgitate over each other durin' promotional interviews while marinate'n in their own vomitous self deprecation panties...

cuz unfortunately...i was already marinate'n in a shit show of my very own!

click here fer pt. 1 and here fer pt. 2

and now to put the nail in the coffin conclusion to 

BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!) 

so after inform'n my thirsty throat plunger that there would absofuckinlutely

be no slapp'n of the salami upon his arrival...i gave him the green lite to come over and spill the tea that he apparently needed to in person

as i opened the front door i could sense a sense of down right distraught

in his demeanor as he showed up in his sunday best that saturday nite...so after lead'n him to the conversational area...

i poured him a cup of imaginary ambition as he poured out his immense heart...

about his most recent maxi padder's latest financial adventure that he unfortunately had a hand in create'n!

BUTT...here's the thing...

after tell'n me many years earlier that they both were open to the causal

possibilities of multiple maniac manipulations...you don't get to whine to me in the middle of some bleak winters nite just cuz things didn't go the way it was intended fer yer flavor...

though i sat there patiently like some mini german frosted flake...cling'n

 onto every word that my now sexually distraught patient had poured out to me...play'n a game of emotionally exhaust'n ping pong... 

desperately seek'n my sympathy fer the past hour to all of a sudden without any warn'n or inclination...suggest'n to me... 

"you outta marry me so that cunt doesn't get any of my social security"

this was either some sorta evil twisted plot to pull the financial plug out 

from under his double dipp'n maxi padder's persistent perverseness or someone who's come to the realization that their entire matrimonial parade was a calculated shrewd sharade...a blame game of monopoly misgive'ns where he would end up in some blindsided cell and i (a-p-p-a-r-e-n-t-l-y) was some sorta key to set him free (or so he led me to believe)

needless to say...i was absofuckinlutely gobsmacked to receive this very

 indecently intrigue'n yet highly deceptive proposal cuz he was always give'n off co-dependency vibes from the very start...and i've been a very independent dependent fer years...though at the same time i said to myself...

i said SELF...i definitely DON'T wanna shitty piece of pretentious jewelry...

also...i'm no spring chicken anymore (well not without the help of a dimly lit candle and a vat of vaseline on the lense anyways to make me look like a fetus in a wig) i'm more like an i've fall'n and can barely get up feline with work'n parts and alot closer to rent'n a room at SHADY PINES than i want to admit...plus...

it'll be nice to finally settle down to some "MURDER SHE WROTE" marathons and toss'n back a few metamucil martini's after my nitely lime jell-o tube feed'n... 

before count'n sheep without have'n to book another flight to the red door clinic...hopefully!

oddly though...only 6 months into my proposed nuptials and i felt like my

euphoria was gett'n buried 6 feet under...all those rapturous matrimonial flutterbies had somehow...somewhere flown the coop and i began to contemplate if i was bein' duped...so fer the next 6 months i did what any insane devotee would do to change the stalemate situation they were now knee deep in and kicked it into over drive...

by not only suprise'n him with a nite on the town at some outta-my-price range speakeasy...

tickets to see the very sadly forgettable "PURPLE RAIN" musical...

merrily watch'n his mongrel (that i j'adored) on numerous occasions so he could get outta dodge...

but even JOAN CRAWFORD'n the fuck outta his pitiful palace once fer 6 hours after drive'n back early  from a very bountiful turkey dinner prepared by my bff PEETRINELLA and all i got in return upon his return from outta town was "geez...did yer OCD kick in again?"

i hadn't broken my "boundaries" by bend'n over backwards fer anyone 

like that in well over 20 years when i was embroiled in a tawdry and very tumultuous 4 1/2 year relationship that would give any sex therapist a run fer their money but this was just the salacious straw that broke this care'n camel's already sore back (mostly due to ride'n the waves in his waterbed) into give'n a single shit about it anymore and decided to mentally SARAH JESSICA PARKER my still supple and still smooth creamy white A-double snakes the H-E-double hockey stix outta his lair and vowed never to return and still haven't to this day!

mind you...i harbor no ill will towards him...it's just a learn'n curve ball 

in the game of life...however...i know that my worth is worth it's weight in dollar store diamonds so if you think this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe is ever gonna chow down on another measly matrimonial bullshit baloney sammich any time soon...think again! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

don't go just yet...

***BREAK'N SNEWZ***

anyone over the age of 50 remembers that iconic sarcastically affectionate

landlady in those kaleidoscopically infused muumuu's...drown'n in brilliantly colorful statement pieces and topped off with a brassy red wig from the Eva Gabor collection in the mid to late 1970's...HELEN ROPER...on the sexually ambiguous slap stick comedy series fer the 1st 3 seasons (that puts me to sleep nitely) THREE'S COMPANY

since the lame ass Zombie pub crawls have become trife and troublesome

ever since it's been take'n over by corporate cover charges...a new wave of cocktail crawlers have take'n over the liquor lounges across the land and i'll be host'n the very 1st happy hour in then Minne-Apple area fri oct. 16th ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY FREE at the James Ballentine Uptown VFW Post 246 honor'n the late great AUDREY LINDLEY...who incidentally passed away 29 years ago on the very same day (who knows...maybe i'll bring my ouija board and try and make contact with HELEN myself)

i've even designed not 1 but 2 HELEN specific cocktails to immerse you into the experience....so grab yer gorgeous gals and yer fabulous fagula's...mock yerself up in yer fav-o-rit muumuu and come and knock on our door!