Monday, December 30, 2019

tick tock...tick tock...tick tock!

with another year finally come'n to a close (well at least someone has)
it's that time once again to dress up in yer fav-o-rit colorful culottes and gather with yer groupies...pop open the proverbial bubbly as the clock strikes midnite and wishfully hope you won't have to visit the doctor any time soon fer more antibiotics cuz of yer "questionable" choices you made the year prior

unfortunately...there are some out there that will no longer have to worry
about needles and non sense...thanx to a visit from thee all mightiest of party poopers...who decided to pull the plug on 16 (hey it's my list...no other reason needed) of our most cherished celebratory sensations this year

born Doris Mary Anne Kappelhoff in 1932...but known to most as the very
sweetly saccrinated singer/actress/animal activist DORIS DAY...who's career started durin' the golden age of hollyweird...when the 60's rolled around...it was her time to shine where she would receive her only oscar nomination fer her work with co-star Rock Hudson in the romantic comedy "PILLOW TALK"...DORIS bid us ado on may 13th at the ripe old age on 97...so don't feel so bad fer her...it was time!

there have been many memorable maids thru-out the history of television
from Hazel work'n fer the Baxter's in the 60's to Florence Johnson work'n fer the Jeffersons in the 70's & 80's... but no other maid made us wish we had her as our very own...who was owned by Karen Walker on the hit 18 emmy awarded winn'n series "WILL & GRACE"...feisty maid ROSARIO SALAZAR played by SHELLEY MORRISON...kept us in stitches ever since she was hired as a full time cast member in the late 90's...lett'n no one walk all over her...though technically Rosario died on reboot of the series in 2017...SHELLEY would mop her last floor at 83 on dec 1st

as Mary Richardson's zesty next door neighbor in the Minne-Apple 
in 1970 on the long runn'n series "MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW"...RHODA MORGENSTERN played by VALERIE HARPER...ended up move'n back home to the Big Apple by 1974 to star in her own series "RHODA" after 4 years as Mary's neighbor...and became a window dresser...VALERIE moved out at 80 years old on aug 30th 

though more of a minor character on the same hit series as RHODA...
GEORGETTE BAXTER...played by GEORGIA ENGEL...was the sweet bubble headed ditzy blonde that made her 1st appearance on the series in 1972 as a guest to one of Mary's apartment parties...who was also a window dresser at Hempel's department store in Minneapolis and lasted til the series ended in 1977...GEORGIA worked on many tv series until she retired in 2018...GEORGIA was 70 when she passed on april 12th

made famous fer her constant bitch face that took the meme world
by complete storm and became thee most famous 4 legg'd internet sensation ever...GRUMPY CAT (known to it's owners as Tardar Sauce) was a frownie feline with a fierce stare caused by a form of kitty dwarfism and an annoy'n under bite...warm'n the hearts of the thee most hardened hissy fitter in the office when co-workers would try to lighten the mood around the moody...GRUMP CAT stopped become'n funny at the age of 7 on may 4th

 but it wasn't just famous felines though that flew the coup this year...
from the planet of Kashyyyk...was none other than everyone's fav-o-rit 7ft 2in co-pilot wookie of the millennium falcon...CHEWBACCA played by PETER MAYHEW...delighted generations of kids and adults around the globe from Tatooine to Tallahassee...appear'n in 5 of the intergalactic soap opera "STAR WARS" flicks...PETER was the most beloved fur ball of all...unfortunately PETER would take his last mission into the galaxy on april 30th at 74

by the time 1990 rolled around...everyone wanted to live in one famous zip
 "BEVERLY HILL 90210" heartthrob DYLAN MCKAY played by LUKE PERRY...was every pre and post pubescent's boys sock puppet  dreamboat...LUKE appeared in many other tv series and a pretty decent film career under his belt...but hung up his hair plugs at the tender age of 52 on march 4th

as far as slap stick goes..no one could make the cast break character...
faster than when TIM CONWAY co-starred on the long runn'n 70's hit comedy sketch series "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW" from '75 to '78...play'n a multitude of zany characters til he branched off into his own series "THE TIM CONWAY SHOW"...though he got his big break when he starred on the naval series from the 1960's "MCHALE'S NAVY" (but let's be honest here...only a handful of colostomitic historians relished in this show)...TIM continued work'n as a voice over fer many characters over the years...most notably as Barnacle Boy on the kittens animated series "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS" but would sink to the bottom of the ocean of tears at the age of 85 on may 14th

known to most as the flounciest flamboyant wise crack'n uncle in 
Eva Gabor's wig #69...feminine fluff...RIP TAYLOR has entertained the hearts of millions since his career began in the 50's...perform'n stand-up fer the troops to the strip clubs along the east coast...appear'n in "THE MERV GRIFFIN SHOW" in the 60's and bomb'n horrendously so turned his cue cards into confetti...hence revived his comedic career...later starr'n in such 70's hits like the seafood monster mash series as the magical sea genie Sheldon in "SIGMUND & THE SEA MONSTER" and celeb guest on "THE GONG SHOW" among others...RIP shot his last confetti load at 88 on oct 6th

though he may not necessarily be a famous hollyweird walk of famer
ELIJAH E CUMMINGS was none the less just as famous in the political realm who lived thru and was an advocate for the civil rights movement of the 1960's...as a member of the democratic party...ELIJAH served on the house of representatives as the chair of the committee of oversight and reform fer Maryland from 1996 until his pass'n at the age of 68 on oct 17th

no one ja'dores clowns as much as me...so i was truly twisted into a shape
of a bellow'n balloon pretzel when i heard that the star of ROB ZOMBIE's freakfest trilogy...SID HAIG...who starred as the murderous creepy clown CAPTAIN SPAULDING terrorize'n audiences since his inception in the "HOUSE OF A 1000 CORPSES"...SID molested his face in grease paint and top hat fer the last time once he wrapped up film'n on his final flick "3 FROM HELL" at 80 yrs old on sept 21st 

the music world unfortunately did not go unscathed either and got a visit
 from Mr. Reaper...with hits from the 70's that included "TWO TICKETS TO PARADISE" and in the 80's smash duet with Ronnie Spector "TAKE ME HOME TONITE"...and "SHAKIN'" irish catholic rocker EDWARD JOSEPH MAHONEY known to the music fans as simply EDDIE MONEY...had a long rock'n career from the middle 70's til he passed away at the rock'n age of 70 on sept 13th 

as the found'n member from '78 to '88...lead singer and songwriter from 
the hot rod band THE CARS...6'4 pop rocker RIK OCASEK...had a stupendous career that spanned for nearly 30+ years...release'n albums with his bad and as a solo artist...best known for winn'n the 1st ever video of the year award on MTV in 1984 with their drive by innovative hit "YOU MIGHT THINK" amongst their catalog of many other classic pop hits...like "MAGIC" and "SINCE YOUR GONE" to name a few...that is...until RIK drove himself to the great beyond at the age of 75 on sept 15th 


no one could watch the movie "PRETTY WOMAN" in '89 without break'n
down into a whimper'n bowl of blubber...as Richard Gere contemplated goin after high class hooker Julia Roberts in the hit movie as the somber'n love hit "LISTEN TO YOUR HEART" echoed in the background from married pop rock band ROXETTE...this Swedish duo blew up the middle 80's with other smash hits like "THE LOOK" & "JOYRIDE"...after spend'n 17 years fight'n with a brain tumor...Marie Fredricksson would succumb to her illness at 61 on dec 9th 

known as the quirky and loveable mama's boy from the 70's & 80's hit 
series "ALICE"...TOMMY HYATT played by PHILLIP MCKEON...was swapped in to play Linda Lavin's son after the 1st episode cuz the 1st one couldn't cut the mustard...PHILLIP continued to grow up on the show from '78 until the series ended in '85...real big brother to tv's "FACTS OF LIFE" Nancy McKeon who played Jo Polniaczek on the series...PHILLIP would make many guest appearances on many other tv series thru-out the 80's but  passed away at the tender age of 55 on dec 10th

even though he's been in a plethora of films thru-out his entire career
from "GODFATHER II" to "MOONSTRUCK"...DANNY AIELLO will always be remembered most by his adore'n fans starr'n as the disheveled father in the pop hit from the summer of  '86 that dealt with the epic battle over teen age pregnancy...played and sung by the QUEEN OF REINVENTION MADONNA in "PAPA DON'T PREACH"...unfortunately DANNY's last great performance was on dec 12th at the age of 86
did ya pick up on the reapers sense of humor there? DANNY stars in the biggest video of '86 then gone by the time he hits 86...just some useless information to stick in yer crack pipe to ponder on in case it ever comes up on an episode of Jeopardy

oh wait...hold up a minute...my word...how could i ferget about the OTHER
 political death...but lets get real if we can fer a minute...most from the repuglicunt party are beyond forgettable!

well...there ya have it kittens...here's hope'n you make it thru to 2020
if not...well...too bad soo sad...not my fault...just GET OFF MY DRESS!

Monday, December 23, 2019

tis the mis'ery

it's that time of the year once again...where everyone scammers to try 
and be the 1st one to bitch about the latest snow fall all across their social media planet...you know...as if the other millions of other people in the same predicament are blind as a shiver'n fuck'n bat and yer the one genius scholar with the intuition to start the bitchfest that'll last until at least march of the follow'n year usually
though i for one...say bring it the mutha fuck on!...that is until you fender fuck me on my way to my latest lubrication appointment...without any lube! 
(i know where yer dirty lil mind was goin you naughty lil kitten...and ya know what?...this time you'd be right!)

the blanket'n of the new fall'n snow is the perfecto time to wrap up with
that sorta someone who's somewhat sorta somethin' fer the next 15 minutes at the very least...who wants to unwrap you on the couch while watch'n some sorta feel good holiday flick...who ain't just some prick...just look'n fer yer dicktionary to try and figer out somethin ingenious to say...while braid'n each others thoughts

so there i was one chilly afternoon a while back...on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction...with some locally socially retarded crypt
keeper try'na keep it on the "DL" at the moment...that i reluctantly had give'n my digits to after his insistent nagg'n fer them fer the past few months...to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery...since he offered to shell out some shillin's fer some morn'n vittles and i figer'd...EH!...WHY NOT!
i knew i hadn't quite fulfilled my charitable quota fer the year...plus he was the best bet i bet on after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville...fer a chance to leave my lair and consume some fresh air
to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…ummm...like 20 maybe years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...or yer gonna slather my cornea's with petroleum jelly...
who do you think yer fool'n Muriel? suffice it to say...this lifetime movie of the weak couldn't score in a bunny whore house with a bushel of carrots...at least with me...at this juncture in the road!

now here me out!...age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…somewhere out there…would find you completely and
utterly magically delicious!

instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what 
his name was…and ya know what though...i hadda thought...i just might have to send a gift to the guy or gal would invented the delete and block button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year!

so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had a mini
mynute chance to take off the carcass which was caress'n my slender neck...had spewed out about some X that he used to go with to his restaurant of choice...that i was now a part of unfortunately...but said X had left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?
stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...1st off...catfish'n someone with decades old pix  of yer former self  DOES NOT WORK...unless of course yer on a date with Helen Keller lets just agree on that...2ndly...the only time you ever open up the X box on a 1st impressional date...is when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy or...
cuz yer old game'n system decided to take a shit on ya!
either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious right down to his
bitter bones...turns out he had shit fer brains!
i was trapped in a hideous homo coma from hell fer the next hour and 47 minutes and 3 seconds away from bein' committed to Rikers Island fer fatally punch'n him in the throat in one swift jab!
this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly...i swear! cuz ALL he talked about was the many X's that he had consumed before me...over the past 20 years…and how he now wants to stay with just that one person...who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations
or have the desperate need to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or even feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual intoxicational establishment on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart was no longer feel'n the xmas spirit
and instead...calculated down to the last % the amount that was my portion…not that i had a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know what...you walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!
cuz i sure as shit didn't anymore…NEXT!

later that nite i headed out to some local intoxicational establishments with my non heterosexualized entourage of 1 in from Oprahville to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy cold sores
play'n with their balls in the side pocket...as chilly as it was out though...thankfully pick'ns weren't all that slim...and though it was a non hormonal nite fer me after the previous date...let's just say if i were a fertile unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe kitten and all their legs were in a row this particular nite…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…
luckily though...i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully cuz i wasn't in the mood fer a side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n

next destinational stop was to fulfill our visual stimulations and my guest
 suggested we see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" down the street

as one drink turned into a corral of colorful cocktails...my outta towner was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained
dancers one night stands who were as entertain'n as a box of newly
opened crayons...that is until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper which was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while begrudgingly sacrifice'n last nite's meatloaf to the porcelain god

though i'm no judgmental judy when it comes to ones professional choices...i don't feel the need to justify my existence by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of hungry desperadovillians
(way'da'minute...how did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)

everything was fine to until my outta towner turned into a drunk debbie downer who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…by try'n to rip me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill
cheezus christ on a fuck'n crusty cracker...CHILL JILL!

ok…i've worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein' cheap regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…though coherent enough to see what i tipped...hadda
throw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity (which isn't even customary mind you) and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to up the ante…which ended up being another 6 benjamins thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...
that's his job as a bartender...to bat his false eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya palpable prick!

i was glad i came out (even if i never got to myself) though i was never in
but lemme just tell ya...this day was no ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment...so until things change fer the better hopefully this holiglazed season...
GET OFF MY DRESS!