and the winner is...

with all the hubbub surround'n thee official yearly foolery kick-ff...

to the holiglaze'n drunkery known as the seasonally reason'n to give up AA meet'ns fer the next 24 hrs st. patty's day...i completely couldn't be bothered to pick out my gown to host the annual FUCKTARD awards

well cuz there are no corporate sponsors this year...

and to be quite frank...uncle sam wasn't feel'n very generous this year when i did my returns... so i hadda think on a budget and decided i was stuck with just stick'n my neighbor in the back with a ginsu knife from the Paula Deen cutlery collection and scalp'n her head fer a new do...

like the pilgrims did to Pocahontas
well...cuz i didn't have enough money in the ol whore piggy bank fer the damn hairdresser...turned her ear rings into nipple rings...and "borrowed" her bed spread fer a body rap...(i don't need my dignity blow'n in the wind...this is an awards show after all kittens) but you have to admit...

the look is f-l-a-w-l-e-s-s!

since there was no sponsors...that also meant no red carpet...

and no red carpet means...NO LIMO...which means NO PAPARAZZI...

but the show must go on...so i hopped a fence and hadda fuck'n schlep my tight A double snakes across town to the Hurry Back Inn and set up my orafice

on some porcelain pony in cramped quarters...well...cuz i had the cramps from the shitty quarter taco's at the pre-awards party i held at taco hell fer myself...but at least i was able to stream a hot spot on my smartphone in order to do my telecast this year...so let's get this crappy award show goin...shall we

welcome to tonite's shittiest broadcast of the 4th annual FUCKTARD awards

let's just get to this year's nominee's...so i can get back on mine...

yea...i know...my "work" sucks...but hey...i gotta pay the bills somehow

and the nominees are:

LADY BLAH BLAH fer her "BORN THIS WAY" foundation...

which should've been aptly titled..."WHORE'N THIS WAY"...cuz really when ya break it down...she's just a high priced pimp in couture and all her lil fans aren't really lil monsters...there really just her lil whores

i was always on yer side to Missy...i even hosted a damn party to help promote you and yer tour bus...even though yer promotional peeps were too damn cheap to gimme any free give-a-ways...(that i could sell at a 250% mark-up on ebay to yer legion of desperado's want'n to own any crappy item with yer name attached to it)

i mean...i'm sorry about yer latest cd suck'n and all...but LADY...milk'n time is O-V-E-R!

yer very talented and inspirational to hundreds millions i'm sure...but would you please quit hire'n designers from the school fer the blind

and hook up some under paid homo's to put you back together again

Casper crusade'n cornholers Kevin Swanson and David Buehner...

for their brilliantly decoded review of the MOUSE house's blockbuster "FROZEN" and wonder'n why the Rose Bowl charade didn't include a float depict'n a modern day non hetero witch hunt stone'n

thing is...what this couple of sexually repressed internet trolls don't realize..."WE"...the non heterosexualites that is...have already infiltrated lil kittens minds thru-out the world via the MOUSE house fer years

remember PINOCCHIO and DUMBO?

how could you not pick up on the blatantly not so hidden non heterosexual message that bigger is ALWAYS better in those dick flicks...made me glad i never went back in line fer brains

with the massive payouts from the houses of CASPER lately...

it's become harder and harder to keep the congregation from migration...so a new aggressive market'n tragedy strategy was desperately needed...and one place of warped worship in upstate NY might have found just the perfect niche to bring back their flock

cuz i'm sure there's a passage somewhere in the color'n book of fairytales that reads Jeezuz once said 

"nothin' says love thy neighbor more than clutch'n onto a cold hard semi automatic"

Caribou Barbie's congratulatory speech on free speech...

leave it to Alaskan joker Sarah P to grasp onto any headline that will put her on it these days...even though she can't quite grasp onto the concept of the headline regard'n the DUCK DYNASTY fiasco...unfortunately her train of thought is about as lost at a Malaysian airline...the government DID NOT trample on Phil's freedom of speech...the network suspended him fer a minute (albeit to help their rate'ns cuz they're sink'n like a mallard full of buckshots) so nothin' was really taken away from Phil but airtime Miss Delusional 2014

before i announce the winner...i'd like to dedicate a pre-memoriam...

fer a very special past nominee that never actually got to walk away with a fucktard award...but will belly'n up the bar really soon...thank you fer the laughs Fred...sorry to hear yer cluth'n onto yer coffin door...NOT!...but if it's any consolation to ya...and if you have anything to do with it...i'm sure i'll be join'n ya fer happy hour in about 40 years time i reckon...try and keep the bubbly cool!

cue the memoriam music pleez!

***BREAK'N NEWZ***

as i predicted...the WESTBORO JOKER has kicked the bucket

like Nelson Muntz from the Simpsons would say...

bow yer heads and cue the somber celebratory music

and now...the moment you've all been wait'n for all nite...

oh i'm so nervous i could literally drop a meatloaf...and the winner is...

remember when that one slogan "have a coke and a smile"...

made ya feel all warm and saccrinated inside...as it chewed away at the enamel on yer teeth...

well...it now has a different mean'n...thanx to these billionaire bullshitters try'n to buy elections thru-out the country...

use'n this pre-menstrual maxi padder as their decoy to try and destroy OBAMACARE

well there ya have it...congratulations to all the nominees...though some of ya didn't walk away with an award this year...y'all walked a way a loser at the very least!

time fer my to rid my self of this jameson and regret...

so until next time kittens...get off my dress!