i barely survived without sizzle'n like a piece of bacon with a side of hollandazed and confused sauce...i mean seriously kittens...i was practically molest'n my fan in front of my frigid air conditioner...while my deviantly depraved dehumidifier watched in complete horror
BUTT...what else is new?
so after spend'n hours riffle'n thru my buried treasures from...well...let's just stick with many many MANY moons ago...shall we?...i came across
(HEY...keep it clean pervie's) the very 1st short story that i had ever written fer a paper in my tender teenage angst years durin' type'n class that i believe was the only A i had ever received in said class...(since i only did this 1 particular assignment thee entire course of the year) which is probably the only reason why i saved the paper...it would become a sorta precursor to what i would eventually become many many MANY moons later on in life...that i simply titled:
"SOME LIKE IT HOT"
though this had absolutely nothing to do with Marilyn...nor have i edited this school paper since i wrote it...& YES...i used proper punctuation back in the days as you will notice...so sue me cuz i didn't keep it up!...now hold on to yer patience & let's begin...shall we?
Sure you are probably sick of these long days of the below zero temperatures. You dream of sailing away to some exotic island like
Bermuda or Jamaica, laying on the beaches sucking up as many possible coconut drinks as your gut can take in and soaking up all the harmful ultra-violet rays from the sun until your body turns to a rotten brown and large bubbles of fleshy juices grow on your back.
Well, there is one place you can escape the cold, bitter death of winter. But this is not just an ordinary "come and go as you please" resort.
Nor is it a tourist attraction, though many people hear stories about how to get there. Keep in mind though, that if you enter, there is no exit.
I've been here once before. it's the perfect place i would love to see half this demented world live. Some actual human beings showed me how to
escape, but other grotesque forms of life calling themselves humans, are trying to get me committed again. Fear not, i shall never return.
I do still have some vivid memories of my once in a lifetime "home away
from home" vacation. I'll do my best to recap all of the heart-aching, back breaking, head twisting details as i can.
The first thing I remember about this place was that there was cherry-hot lava everywhere, oozing out from the sides of the walls like blood clots dripping out of an open heart wound. Giant crater-like ant hills spread about on the floor were also filled with the lava. Every time that a pocket of
air would get trapped inside the lava, it would pop as it reached the opening. I could hear the lava splatter and sizzle as it hit the charred rock floor. I did my best to avoid the splatters, but one small glob of lava scorched the side of my upper left leg. I was kind of glad that it happened, because it got rid of a sick and repulsive tattoo of a dirtball rabbit a friend put on me one night when i was loaded.
side not...apparently...my teacher noted that this last sentence was NOT relevant to my description in her notes...BITCH PUHLEEZ...this was MY
STORY...plus...i was a teen with 'tude fer fuck sakes...
E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G was relevant!
The steam from the thin cracks beneath my feet was so intense that it felt like a pack of wolves were puncturing my eyeballs with their sharp nails.
The heat wasn't any better. It was like I was sitting next to an egg and two slabs of bacon in a frying pan. Any minute I knew my body was going to be burnt to a crisp. So i started running around in a circle to try and create a small breeze.
After some time my feet were helplessly screaming for me to rest. So I found a rock that wasn't surrounded by lava and took a little break. The bottoms of my tennis shoes were melting off so I took them off and scraped the rest of the rubber that had stuck to the bottom of my feet.
Stroking the under-half of my feet, I felt the rush of a stinging feeling like i was being cut by every piece of paper in the world. The stinging got worse as a small amount of steam hissed out from beneath my feet. So I took off my shirt and ripped it in half and tied each piece around my feet.
I hadn't noticed it earlier, but as I grabbed in two huge breaths of air, the stench in the air was so putrid that every breath thereafter would burn the
insides of my throat and nose. Desperately I needed to find some water. I jumped to my feet, ignoring the tremendous amount of pain, and proceeded down a long, dark tunnel.
Upon finding a new tunnel, I noticed a change in the scenery. This path was much more narrow than the others. The walls had only small amounts
of lava seeping out of the tiny cracks. Steam from the ground was as hot as a sauna back home. Things were happening that were good for a change. I kept a stiff upper lip and hoped for a better outlook.
As I progressed further and further into the tunnel, the lava grew less and the steam got as cool as the summer nights. Then, in the clearing up ahead, I saw a bright and blinding light appear. As I moved closer to the light, still unable to see anything, noises started calling out my name.
Each had its own distinct tone of voice. Still squinting, I heard my name repeated and repeated over and over again. It sounded like a bunch of munchkins from the land of OZ. As the noises got louder and louder the pounding in my ears got worse.
I was too curious to see who was calling my name, that i didn't bother to worry about if I was going to go blind if i opened my eyes. I got down and laid on my back. Relaxing every muscle in my body I concentrated on
opening my eyes. I had gone through so much excruciating pain and over-exhaustion that it was hard to open my eyelids. For a second I paused. Then I proceeded to push every muscle in my body into my eyelids. With the start of my engine, I popped open my eyes. I had awakened.
~FIN~
well if you thought that was A HELL OF A STORY...then you ain't gonna wanna miss thee most anticipated one nite only FATHOM movie event of
the year...this wednesday july 31st only...click here to check out the theater nearest you fer tickets...i flew to see this show at Carnegie Hall in NY last summer...and trust me...if you believe in the 1st amendment as yer Casper fear'n give'n right...then this movie IS NOT TO BE MISSED!
i personally predict this shall receive an Oscar nod fer the brilliantly hysterical and poignantly polished production by one KATHY GRIFFIN...if not a win fer best picture...just remember...you heard it here 1st kittens!
now get off my dress!
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