picture it kittens...the year was 1992 and ALLEY SHEEDY was act'n all
kinds of shady towards BRIDGET FONDA in the intense roommate from hell chiller thriller "SINGLE WHITE FEMALE"
the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR was race'n up the charts with her
haunt'n melancholy ballad "THIS USED TO BE MY PLAYGROUND" which was the theme song from the movie "A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN" that incidentally could'a totally been the theme song to my very own epitaph i was currently immersed in at the moment
KIMBERY SHAW's multiple personalities were cause'n all kinds of chaos
on the set of "MELROSE PLACE" (to which i could totally relate to as well at the time) so click here fer a ticket to the catch-up train with pt 1 in order to understand this now very plausible conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!
uncomfortable on his couch while he went to open the bedroom door behind me when all of a sudden i felt like i was Gulliver on the wrong travels as i was viciously attacked by an army of about 13 kittens followed by my body experience'n some sorta anaphylactic shock all of a sudden from the ammonia permeate'n from the kitty boxes in his boudoir then JABBA would suspiciously pop his head out from behind the bedroom door ask'n me a simple question...
"do you know who CHI CHI LaRue is?"
sounded like some sorta vicious venereal disease i really wanted no part
of though apparently i was wrong when my hefty hemorrhoided homemaker informed me that he was indeed the titillated talent scout fer LaRude's throat plunge'n prodicktion company and had informed me that i would be the perfect corn fed fucker fer her next dick flick as he so non discretely pushed play on his vcr with his remote he pulled from his back britches fer the nites visual "educational" entertainment then proceeded to gingerly pop into his kitchen thus return'n with a smarmy smirk plastered across his mug as well as an obscene offer fer me...
"i don't have much money but here's $15 and 2 cans of diet coke if you jack off to this movie with me?" (and yes...sadly that is a direct quote)
although i was at a very impressionable age...i was not that impressed
with his offer to which i swiftly and snarkly of course responded "i don't even like diet coke" (nor was i totally brain dead either) the only talent this diabetic scout worked fer was the tidy bowl on taco tuesday's durin' the all-u-can eat nite at el burrito's
needless to say...i was not a very good escort at negotiations as i was so
unceremoniously escorted out of his abhorrent petri dish of a pink eye'd pad at 3 am fer not comply'n to his demented demands and thus had to subsequently walk 7 miles thru the blister'n tundra of Hoth to the wait'n room of the downtown hennepin county hospital and waited there fer 3 more hours where i was luckily hired come interview time at 7am
BUTT...there's more...
20 years would go by before i was offered yet another role into the adult
entertainment biz when i answered an ad fer a couple on craigslist one lazy afternoon that was look'n fer a photographer to do a saucy shootie toot toot fer their 5 year anniversary together however when i arrived to the address i was give'n (which was not yer average prom participants at some no tell motel to my surprise)
cuz my couple turned out to be a couple of beefy tooth chippers (also to my surprise) stay'n at some fancy schmancy motel 6 adjacent upgrade...oh and i was also surprised when they asked me to personally BRIAN DE PALMA this throat plunge'n production instead and since i had never filmed anyone before (at this point in time) i said i would forgo my fee (like an idiot of course)
i just requested a signal in order to lemme know when the "money shot" happens so i can zoom in (from what i've seen in past productions) though eventually these steroided butt pirates needed my "ASSistance" to which i said that it would put this charade parade into "post prodicktion" and therefore i would have to charge them double over time
45 minutes later...i would leave with my dignity still in tact as they were
diligently wipe'n their dignity off the remote control and tv screen (don't ask!) nonetheless...i am now eligible to become a member of the directors guild of america at the very least (i believe) so i've updated my resume to reflect my experience...
ummm COLIN FARRELL (i know yer read'n this...i mean...why wouldn't you be?) you can be expect'n a call from my people soon...i think i have the perfect role fer you!
well just when ya thought it was all ova kittens...i decide...I DECIDE!
tune in next week fer pt 3 of A DIRTY DEED INDEED!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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