was make'n our heart rate beat faster than a priest's on a playground...force'n us to shake our money makers (with a bit of a sexual undertone) as she was race'n up the charts with her soak'n in swamp ass smash ditty "PHYSICAL"
DOLLY PARTON was the sizzle'n up the screens as the sexually charged
madame and proprietor MONA STANGLEY from "THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS"
and i had just witnessed my very 1st porno at the tender and very supple
age of 12 with a couple of my sibs at my cuz's bungalow he shared with his 3 buddies on the other side of the chain linked fence we shared from our back yard and though i was perplexed by all the blatant bull balls bang'n the beaver's dam...well...to say i was absolutely G-O-B-S-M-A-C-K-E-D is an understatement!! no...not cuz they were doin the "dirty birdy" (OH NO!) i knew right then that i wanted to do this as a profession once i was of legal age...
well except in my premiere it would be minus all those dirty pillows...
and that psychotic soul suck'n sarlacc pit hide'n behind their gloria vanderbilt pedal pushers of course!
my under developed though overly stimulated mind was wonder'n why in
the H-E-double hockey stix was that XY chromozoned hottie with the carpeted chest and "exposed wood" would have ANY possible interest in nibble'n on that rack of those pendulously uttered XX chromozone or claw'n at their kitty litter box...it all seemed sooo cumpletely unnatural and manipulated (much like most religions) to me even at that early of an age!
BUTT (eventually)
i would later come to accept those who had decided to continue down that
path of unconscionable conduct of corrupt cunnilingus (while i yearned fer a life of casual catastrophic cockilingus) and by the time i was 22 (in '92) i was out one casual bleak winter week nite at the local homoless water'n hole where i was hope'n to find a place to crash fer the nite since i hadda transport my plump pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes up from Winona...
with a handful of GRIZZLY ADAMS look'n girocks on the greyhound fer an interview in the morn'n to become a drug bunny fer the government with no spare change to my name
through no fault of my own...i would only have to bat my irish eyes once
and within milliseconds i would soon be greeted by a chilled bottle of heineken from the bartender simply known as DOC (that everyone absolutely adored) gifted to me by a secret admirer (who apparently wanted to remain anonymous when i inquired)
minutes later as i casually scanned the room to try and figer out just who
my cautious casanova was...i would be approached by 2 meat n potato meals on wheels almost double my age (hey...no finger point'n...i'm an equal opportunity on-licker...i mean looker) one had enough beef to break me in half...
while the other one would'a required me to send out a search and rescue mission to find the beef!
as close'n time came a come'n...i was gett'n closer to come'n to their
decision hopefully as to where i'd be plugg'n in my hot curlers before i came that nite so once the house lights came up...most of the STD's had scattered like cockroaches on karaoke nite and i was offered a "ride" to who knows where
without give'n it a second thought...i had jumped into the back of some
random mystery machine in the alley across the street and soon realized at that very moment that i was practically invite'n myself to be on the next episode of my very own special episode of "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" (i know...HUSH! i was desperate fer a place to crash that nite)
luckily fer me...i would soon be at their residence in uptown still all in tact
in fact i was ever so thankful that i was not asked to lather myself up in some non hypoallergenic lotion like that Catherine Martin chick had to cuz really all i wanted to do at that point of the nite was to crash on a warm couch...
as Mr. Snow Miser was tap dance'n on my nose and toes after bein' a bit tuned up and i was so ready to be tuned out...instead i was told to wait out in the icebox on wheels while they apparently "discussed' the sleep'n arrangements inside...
and i'm purdy sure by now yer ask'n yerself at this juncture in this story...WHY IN THE FIDDLERS FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST GET OUTTA THE DAMN VAN?
minutes later JABBA would emerge inform'n me that "Arnold" was not
interested in host'n anyone fer the nite (hmmm...could'a fooled me since he bought all of the beers fer me) in either case...i didn't care at this point since it was now 2 am and i had been awake fer 24 hrs and though i know he thought i was gonna be his cuddle bunny fer the nite...i was ready to sleep in the snowbank than go back to his dungeon of impend'n doom nonetheless i gave into my own fate and reluctantly we reached his apt a few blocks away
well that's all fer this week kittens...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n
conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED!
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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