jingled jollies

it's that time of year again...fer all the holiglazed classics done right...

by the one and only...thee most hilariously underrated holiday hater out there...MISS JACKIE BEAT in her latest installment "WHITE MEAT OR DARK?...which sells out annually and at the same time...it boggles my mind that she ain't got her own tv special...YEARLY...SERIOUSLY....HELLO HBO!!!

speak'n of...with her recent twisted lyrical genius to Adele's "HELLO" titled "JELLO"...makes me absolutely bummed i'll be miss'n her latest installment this year but it made me reflect on the last time i caught her in Oprahville a few years back with a couple of friends and how i wish i'da worn my bejeweled colostomy bag…cuz she absolutely bedazzled the crowd in her annual tra-la-la event...serve'n up the ho-ho-ho classics…her way

there wasn't a dry eye in the house from what i couldn't see…so if you ever get the chance to catch her MISS JACKIE BEAT live fer the holidaze…YOU MUST!…TRUST ME...you'd be mad not to

how much holipraize does one person really need?...so on with MY story...

the follow'n day apparently i decided to find some locally socially retarded crypt keeper to take with my vitamin D and B-12 and a glass of freshly squeezed misery…cuz there i was on the corner of pity avenue and desperado junction at a place called Melrose…

at 10 am on a very brisk morn'n…after spinn'n the roulette wheel of casualty encounters off the informational highway...otherwise known as whoreville

to his credit…he was visually appeal'n from his photos he sent me…and i'm sure he totally looked like that…15 years ago!...but unless yer gonna hop on yer time machine trike to meet me in some parallel universe...but why do i always have to lather my cornea's with petroleum jelly just to watch you walk away?

age has NEVER been a problem with me…well unless yer a first grader or got a foot in the grave…but keep yer chin up…cuz i'm sure someone…
somewhere out there…would find you completely magically delicious

instead of call’n him out from the obvious…i decided i would do my last charitable act of the year and entertain my headache…i'd usually leave out his name as to not embarrass or endanger his non existent mentality…but he has nothing to worry about…as i don't even recall what his name was…and ya know what…

i might have to send a gift to the guy would invented the delete button feature on my cell phone…cuz i got plenty of good use outta it this year

so this crypt non keeper…from the very get go…even before i had...

a chance to take off the carcass wrapped around my neck...spewed out about some X that he used to go with to this restaurant but left him fer someone 10 years younger after 10 minutes

REALLY…ya don’t say? he left YOU fer someone 10 years younger?...stop me if i'm wrong...but would it have anything to do with you being so fuck'n socially retarded?...the only time you open up the X box...is when you've been invited to that uncomfortable forgy

either case...pity party…table of one…yer table is ready!

though this arthritic ape was narcissistically delicious…

turns out he had shit fer brains!

i was trapped in a homo coma from hell fer the next hour…this post party boi relic had the emotional commitment of an amazonian fruit fly

cuz ALL he talked about was his many X's that he had consumed over the past 20 years…and how he wants to stay with one person now…who doesn't wanna do "a lot" of chemically induced recreational vacations…or have the desperate need to go to every white…black…pink hearts…yellow moons…green clovers or blue diamond circuit parties anymore…or feel the need to become a wall flower at any given non heterosexual bar on any given nite of the week

as the bill appears…mr. anal wart calculates down to the last % the amount that is my portion…not that i have a prob pay'n my share mind you…even if he did ask me to have breakfast with him…but this guy alone could keep a therapist in a penthouse suite

ya know what...you walk'n cliché?…go tell Oprah…she cares!

cuz i sure as shit didn't…NEXT!

later that nite…i headed out to the local intoxication establishments in homoville with my non heterosexual entourage of 4…

we stopped at Sidetrack…the gayborhood hotspot to wash away our holidaze with some holiglaze amongst the sea of eye candy cold sores…but it was chilly out...so pick'ns weren't all that slim but let's just say if i were a fertile woman…i'da bore my 6th bastard child on the way to the powder room…but i left with my purity shield in tact thankfully...cuz i wasn't in the mood fer side of penicillin with my pancakes in the morn'n

next destination stop...the Lucky Horseshoe fer new visual stimulations...

to see the professionally trained drugged induced "exotic dancers" show

my vacational friend who came with to the windy city was like an explode'n atm machine towards 2 of the professional trained dancers one night stands who were as entertain'n as a box of newly opened crayons

until ya started peel'n away the tragic wrapper that was their backstory that you were forced to listen to...while make'n meatloaf fer the porcelain god

as nite followed morn'n and morn'n followed nite…it was rinse and repeat all over again…the second nite ended where it all began...at Hydrate

but tonite was all about flesh for fashion and though i'm not ashamed of the work i put into my body…i don't feel the need to justify my existence or acceptance by putt'n myself in some narcissistic display case in a room full of desperadovillians

(way'duh'minute...how did this one get in here? *snicker*snicker*)

everything was fine to until my local friend…who just oops'd himself into the overrated category…tried ripp'n me a new A double snake hole just cuz i gave a $2 tip on a $11 bill to the hot bartender Paul from the nite before

jesus christ on a cracker!

ok…i've worked in the wait staffed industry in the past and by all means that was NOT bein' cheap…regardless how hot he was…but of course my friend…now drunk…but still coherent enough to see what i tipped

threw a bitch fit over my less than 50% generosity…and demands me to give him a bigger tip…which in turn i told him he's more than welcome to…which ended up being another 6 bux thanx to him

though quite generous on his drunk part…this does not all of a sudden turn you into a viable candidate to make it to the bartenders bedroom...

that's his job as a bartender...to bat his eyelashes at any drunk atm machine barely stand'n before him...but gurl puuuhleeeez!...this is not proposal paradise ya freak!

i've been friends with him fer 20 years…and he…at times…reminds me how i said to him 20 years ago…how i would never work out when we first met while he was doin' it daily…well…if i knew 20 years ago…that he would turn into the bloated bitchfest barely stand'n before me now 20 years later…i would've never returned his call…but i guess people change…sometimes fer the better…sometimes fer the bloated...i'm just say'n

all in all…i was glad i came…and due to popular demand…i did…twice!

but on my next visit…would the overrated PUHLEEZ...
get off my dress!

ps...but to leave on a happy happy joy joy note...how cool is that...my blog has hit over the 200,000 mark after 5 short years...i'm have'n a total...

ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom

ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong

shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom

chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop

dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo

boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy

shoo-by doo-wop she-bop

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom

a wop ba-ba lu-mop...a wop bam boom moment now...thanx kittens!

cuts like a knife: a reflective poem

tis the season...

it's that time of year

blessed are the homely...

the hags...this silly queer!

icicles are sparkling...

peppermint fills the air

a stripper goes home...

with some big jolly stare

snowflakes begin dance'n...

from under nite skies of blue

an internationally unknown ferry...

with a package full of goo

tinsel and baubles...

twinkle with delight

a fruticake in wait'n...

for someone's silent nite

the tree has been trimmed...

with all of my love

i've scarred all the carolers...

and burnt the damn dove

roast'n the chesnuts...

champayne would be splash'n

don't fret yer pretty lil ass sweetie darl'n...

cuz you know i'll look absolutely smash'n

wrapped in a pashmina...

unwrapped from a prezzie

a regretful regift'n...

from a cheap spiteful lezzie

in come the north winds...

and out blows the trash

it's hard to settle down...

while gagg'n from yer gash

so pleez don't you hesitate...

you would'nt want to linger

can't i make you come in...

with just one finger?

as year comes to a close...

creep the feel'ns of distress'n

.

but a gift from the golden state...

could be such a bless'n

i don't need a fortune teller...

to help me digress

i've said all i've come to say...

now get the fuck off my dress!

oh no she di'int!

though this new year is already off to a shitty start...

well cuz inspiration...along with nature...came call'n all at the same time

let's turn the clock back about 72 hours...shall we?

i was in no mood to become a homocicle at 7 am at 7 above one morn'n...

wait'n fer the 8 am locomotive services to escort my perky...yet very chilled...A double snakes back home fer the annual late xmas with Joan Crawford and the clan of the cave bears...but there i was...stand'n in line amongst the college guys a gang of ramen noodle bonger boys and the crypt keep'n bingo buddies that had been marinate'n in bengay and brandy fer the better part of the month...

so an hour and half later...after my nipples had turned into miniature stalagmites...and my brain had formed into an igloo...i finally hopped aboard the ornrymental express and off we went...it was all such a "some like it not" experience fer me...there would be no intermission with jazz play'n non homo panty players entertain'n the masses on their low income asses...but fer the price of 2 moderately priced martini's...ehhh...i had no reason to complain fer the many reasons that i should

once i had finally arrived on the train bound to nowhere special...

i rang my lovely sister the reason that neurotic disorders exist in the dictionary...to pick me up at the station...popped 3 percocets...downed a family sized can of red bull...and off i went...drive'n with Miss Crazy...to run errands for the festival of foolery...but let's be honest here kittens...what i was really super excited fer was the only reason i survive the holiglazed season fer the past 20 some years...and that was to collect my annual offer'n from my ever charm'n...extremely lovable...non sexual experience (well only cuz she don't have a throat plunger to pleez me) my very dear friend PEETRINELLA

when she emailed me earlier in the week and told me she was goin...

rogue again this year...i thought...hmmm...innerest'n...

just like my b-day a few years back?

after i had purchased a spank'n new pair of shit kickers...

from the local island of misfit mismatches at fleet farm...(don't ask why...it's my thing) i texted PEETRINELLA...and she said i could come over by 6:45...we decided it would be best if i arrived at her castle by 6:44...as i could not wait one minute longer...since i hadn't received ANY worthy monetary offer'n the entire damn holiday...

except fer a lovely pine flavored part'n gift i received...after the beautiful feast my VP prepared...from my CEO and VP...which apparently was not meant to be consumed 

(why don't they put directions on these things?)

i had a few hours to get wasted...so i popped in to visit the world's cutest and my fav-o-rit great nipple bite'n bucket of puke...Miss Lily and my niece Arielle and her baby make'n machine gun Devin

after a few hours of rile'n the lil rascal up...it was time fer this aunty to milk a bottle of bourbon infused deliciousness...so off to PEETRINELLA's i went

by the time i had arrived...i was absolutely flabbergasted...no small servant to greet me at the door to hang my not so faux furless coat that i had bludgeoned to death with my air asia airlines advantage visa card and serve me a glass of chilled memory eraser...i mean seriously...why the fuck have kids then?

instead...PEETRINELLA hollered at me from across the room to come in since she couldn't be bothered to remove herself from her obnoxiously...

 comfortable couch...so apparently my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe card no longer has it's privileges in her presence these days...FINE...i get it...you've earned it...since you created this chaos to begin with

we gave each other the complimentary phony compliments..."oh it's so nice to see you...you look great!"...and then she said..."here you go...time to open yer present"...i looked at it with absolute disgust...PRESENT? why is there no S at the end of that command?...i hadda sell my dignity to the highest low life i could find to lavish you with treasures untold that you personally hand selected on amazon.com...and i get a P-R-E-S-E-N-T?

i felt like i had just fall'n into a time warp back to 1982...when i was nothing less than a mere simple uncomplicated mess of beauty with a glimmer of hope fer my future...when i asked Joan fer Prince's 1999 cassette tape...

and instead that fateful xmas morn'n...as i was open'n my PRESENT...only to be presented with the Fred Mann orchestra performs the hits to Prince's 1999 cassette...with the original Woolworth's price tag barely cling'n on fer dear life after Joan had managed to scratch off the mountain of discount stickers on top of it...as if it were some sorta lottery card...though our heritage is irish...she might as well have been jewish

but i'll save that fer the next couch concert

so with the smile that i was forced to glue to my face...

(with the help of a bungee cord wrapped around my tender throat)...i sat at PEETRINELLA's kitchen table...under the heavy spotlight as her assistant Lulu placed my fingertips into the gingerbread lie detector house at the center of the table...so she could take a read'n of my actual feel'n of said PRESENT...and as she handed it to me...which weighed about as heavy as a small headstone...i meticulously opened her offer'n with heartfelt sorrow anticipation and glee...hope'n not to give away to my sheer disappointment that there would be no others to open...as my eye's welled up in their respected corners

unfold'n the 1st flap of her perfectly wrapped gift...i felt like i was bein' molested by PEETRINELLA's excitement...who desperately hoped that i

hadn't already received such an offer'n...and by that she knew that i would'a hadda purchase it fer myself...but all i could see written in black ink was 809/999 in the corner of the box...hmm...i figered it was either my headstone encrusted entirely outta swarkovski jewels which i know she would know i would want for my final destination (*wink*wink)...or it was a year's supply of turtle wax...which would be her way of say'n "this is fer yer brand new pinto blow about you can buy with yer settlement"
 (that story in a future blog)

i released the gigantor box from the clutches of the christmas wrap...and flipped open the top...and i completely FLIPPED OUT!...NO FUCK'N WAY!...you CANNOT DO THIS TO ME PEETRINELLA...OMCHER!

i hit no whammie...I HIT THE JACKPOT!!!

fer inside the box...was ANOTHER BOX...and inside THAT box...

was THE HOLY MUTHA FUCK'N GRAIL of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe world!

it was the limited edition coffee table book of BOY GEORGE...

which includes the vinyl of rare unreleased musical record'ns of one BOY GEORGE

here is just a sample'n of what's inside "THE KING OF QUEENS"...

the live'n diary of the man called BOY that i've stuck to thru the hits and the heroin...from hell and back

i love the QUEEN's SEX BOOK that i recite religiously at sunday mass...

while i'm in some sunday ass...but this book means sooo much more...since i didn't have to pay fer it outta pocket

i've already encased it in titanium gold and installed my security system...

and the ONLY way ANYONE will ever been able to see it in person of course...is if they bring their OWN hazmat suit to my shitbox and a small entrance fee of course

but DAMMIT ALL TO H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STIX...PEETRINELLA!!

you trumped me B-E-Y-O-N-D B-E-L-I-E-F this year....and quite frankly...i don't even wanna know the unspeakable acts she had her daughter and husband go thru...to collect enough funds to purchase said GRAIL...i'm just glad she made them do it...BUT ya know what this means don'tcha kittens?

that 's right...her b-day is in a few short weeks...and now I'LL have to subject myself to unspeakable acts that i'll probably enjoy doin...and probably 3 rounds of STD tests to even come half way to afford what her daughter and husband had to succumb to...to get me this HOLY GRAIL

but there were also other things that i really needed though this year...

and i'm glad my brother and sister-n-law got me it...i'll treasure it fer as long as i CAN...get it?

now get off my dress!