Literally Literal Litter

i'm not much of a reader...i'm really not...well...unless you try and cross me

then you best believe...i will read you to filth fer years to come...until you can't anymore!...no...what i speakith of is much more along the lines of actual literary pages of wisdom and connect-the-dots stories from dick to some snore'n Jane Doe series that i just have absolutely zero time to invest into bein' bothered with...

i much prefer the gloriously outspoken immortal words of one Ouisser Bourdeaux "i don't read books...cuz if they're any good...they're gonna make 'em into a mini-series"

unless of course it's my multi-functional...purposefully unsubstantiated...educationally depraved stories of intrigue and made-upness (in a complete humorlessly humor-filled fashion) fer the truly uneducated mundane "gifted" reader out there cruise'n along the informational highway on their much needed colonic break in the lil wrangler's room...after OD'n on those free shitty shrimp tacos at the company meet'n...much like the one read'n this very blog right now

BUTT...literally

if yer really rack'n yer brain fer some literary words of wisdom without rack'n yer brain goin on a search and destroy mission at yer local book store or risk'n gett'n carpal tunnel from endless hours on line...perhaps you might wanna check out one of these top 10 classics i found peruse'n the stalls...i mean the halls (no i don't) of my locally over grown dust bin of

books at the neighborhood library...that will hopefully someday make it to the cutt'n room floor...i hope...are you listen'n up Mr. Waters?

first up...is the total inspiration fer 1987 hit "Witches of Eastwick"...

this camp classic tells the tale of 3 fraternity brothers Alex...John and Dickie...on the varsity cheerlead'n squad...who come together one sunday afternoon after find'n their coach with a camcorder in one hand and his "magical" broom in the other...while clean'n out the closet in their not so spacious dorm room...the tension builds to a climactic end'n that's sure to keep audiences "come'n" back fer more

starr'n Colin Farrell as age'n dorm pimp Alex Sus...Prince Harry as the hard party'n ginger John Wannembach...Cam Gigandet as sweet talk'n hustler Dickie... 

and Leslie Jordan as discretely closeted foul mouthed whip crack'n Coach "Poppa Cherry" Donovan 

if that's too much fer yer eyes...perhaps you'll enjoy...

this ol' story is about as tired and worn out as Melanie Trumps "kittytastrophy"...it tells the tale about a non heterosexual boy move'n up from a busy farm life to the big city lights in hopes of a lavish lifestyle...last'n love...and lots of money...but ends up broke...bitter from bad plastic surgery and busted...by the cops...before his golden showers birthday

starr'n Rupert Everett in his very own lifetime movie...about himself...cuz no one else wanted to be bothered

one of the jewels i found...under a set of family jewels one nite...the story of 

Izzey Biggs and Camen Sidem...2 team mates on the field...and shame mates in the showers...learn'n the hard way...they're gonna have to take alot more than just "one" fer the team...

starr'n Adam Lambert as the bashful Izzy Myne and Adam Levine as loud mouth Camen Insydum...lock'n lips and bang'n hips...in their 1st musical together...but definitely not their last

musical score by BOY GEORGE...why not!

fer those catholic castaways out there...i know you'll just simply love...

set in a small but important Yugoslavian city...Aleksandar and Nicolette Vikashev hire russian asylum seeker Tali from Tobolsk as their live in houseboy to help around the house...

one even'n when Nicolette scampers on down to the local black smith to get her hooves polished...Aleksandar beckons Tali from his bedroom...who's soak'n in his tighty whiteys with a half bottle of raspberry Stoli in his grip...challenges Tali to a game of  mister twister...with bubbles and booze flow'n everywhere...the game heats up...but it's Aleksandar who gets burned when Nicolette comes home early and douses him in kerosene

starr'n Vladimir Putin as heterosexually challenged Aleksandar...Bridgette Nielsen as the amazonian wife Nicolette with a taste fer revenge...and the black smith down the road

and Tom Daley as the not so innocent wet-n-wild Tali

haven't quite titillated yer senses yet?...then how about with saucy one...

well DUH! this tells the tale of a  middle aged Yugoslavian wife tangled in a web of seduction and revenge...gett'n even was the only thing on her mind when she said "I DO"..."til death do us part" couldn't come soon enough fer her 7th husband and the town's black smith

starr'n Bridgette Nielsen as the scorned web weave'n grave digg'n amazonian wife Nicolette...look'n to fill her bank account faster than she can fill her burial account...Vladimir Putin as the politically closeted tulip sniff'n financier and 7th husband Aleksandar...with a taste fer bubble baths...and bubble bottoms

and introduce'n Meredith Baxter Birney in her most rivet'n performance since Family Ties or any of her Lifetime movies combined...as the town's sun bath'n black smith beauty...Svetlana

everything comes in a 3 way...so give yer cataracts a good work-out with...

the prequel to the sequel in this trilogy of terror and intrigue...and learn how it ALL began

starr'n Vladimir Putin as the discretely distinguished and single financier "DADDY"...and Johnny Weir as the speed skate'n town tramp "TULIP" 

fer those on the DL...want'n a lil interracial facial...may i suggest... 

this tale continues 30 years later and answers the age ol' question...what REALLY did happen to Augustus Gloop after he was sucked up into the tube after fall'n into that river of chocolate in Willy Wonka's factory...Augustus ends up in Harlem...meets the man called Razer Blade...who gives Augustus a job ride'n the rails at nite...take'n a one way ticket to brown town...night after nite...til he's walk'n like a bow-legged bull from Belize

starr'n our current mentally deranged lie'n sack of pig shit as the all too eager and will'n to go all nite long Augustus Gloop...and Snoop Dog as the pimp tote'n bad ass Razer Blade who cuts like a knife...if Augustus doesn't get the job done

oh wow...i almost fergot about my fav-o-rit nite time read...

it's VERY autobiographical...

starr'n ME as the very cold but cautiously calculated...unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course...enough said

find out what happens when you drop the soap...in the hysterical romp...

a true life docudrama about the life and times of peruvian street whore...Rolando Rosado...doin what he can to make ends meet...jump'n from bed rooms to broom closets until he's caught sniff'n around where he doesn't belong and ends up doin hard time behind bars...where life is anything BUTT a bed of roses

starr'n Nick Jonas as the down and out of his clothes faster than children runn'n from a burn'n build'n...Rolando...and John Travolta as the hot headed...crop rotation fer men...prison warden model and Jenny Craig drop-out...with a taste fer peruvian protein shakes...when these 2 meet in the showers...punishment...passion and pungent smells aren't the only thing fill'n the prison air

and last on my list of literary gems...is this master piece...

fresh off the farm...pretty boy Paul Puckerole gets a job in the big apple as a wall street gopher but ends up bite'n off more than he bargained for...when one night Paul gets tied up after the office christmas party...as a gaggle of floor traders decide to turn Paul into their personal pinata

starr'n homo hottie James Franco as the outsider with the inside everyone wants to get their hands on and the entire cast of the Minneapolis Gay Men's Chorus as the fetish fist'n NASDAQ traders
(oh puhleez...we know what happens at all those late nite"rehearsal" sessions)

well kittens...glad to help ya out with some terrific read'n fer all those long

and lusty nites...all alone...again...
NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!

PROPERGANDA!

grow'n up in a very small minded but equally just as unimportant town...

i became an exceptionally pre-pubescent unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe by learn'n the slings and arrows of an imperfect world thru the words of wisdom from the mouth of america's fav-o-rit top sell'n Sears catalog sweater model from 1968 to 1973...Mister Rogers...who taught me so much on how to mind yer manners...be kind to one another...while give'n me the knowledge to deal with things i simply would shutter at the thought of have'n to do on my own

it was an afternoon staple...wake'n from my afternoon nap at my nana's 

while roll'n her cigarettes...that is until that horrendously salacious scandal of '79...when it went off the air fer a short period of time...due to alcoholics anonymous alumni Lady Elaine...gett'n caught poodle ball'n with MADAME behind King Friday's castle late one friday nite...you can here all about it in...

play'n in selected theaters now

since his death in 2003...children around the world have mourned the loss 

of knowledge readily read to them...as they try their damnedest to escape a life of celibacy

and cope'n with life's struggle's...just like dear ol' mom & dad have ever since they were born

luckily fer all my kinder-kittens out there that have been tune'n in each 

week to read my whimsical words of bastardized but highly educational wisdom fer the past 7+ years...today is NOOOO exception...so kick back Jacks' and don't be a pill Jills'...cuz i've found you a few educational gems that you probably won't find at yer local library anytime soon to help get you thru those tough and tawdry adolescent years

1st up is this perfect lil sleeper fer that new lil peeper in yer life that's been 

try'na steal away yer spotlight by milk'n all those oooh's and awww's that you so rightfully earned and desperately deserved on yer very own fer the past 5 years...by batt'n their damn butterfly lashes every time granny Aiken's comes over to visit....dress'n them in the finest threads from Gucci and Prada...when all you got at that age was some hand-me-down potato sack splattered in glitter from yer aunt Gerald

next up is the story of how pretty pink might be...unless it's in yer eye!

i learned this lesson way too late in life...picture it...the year was 1996...i had just made my final payment on my uncle's car...and had been chatt'n to this "gentleman caller" fer the past 3 months on the phone line who lived on the north side of town...who wanted me to go down on his south side and make it go north (among other indiscretions) but wasn't gonna pick me up...well...on this one particular nite...i decided to throw caution to the wind...

ironed my culottes and threw on my fav-o-rit floor length laura ashley floral blouse with a modest lace sweat soaker... and flew thru the streets of the Minne-Apple... 

like an animalistic wench look'n to get wickedly wrecked...properly!

by the time i had arrived...(roughly 30 minutes past the witch'n hour)...

he greeted me at the door like a proper whore and invited me in....now i have an imagination trust me...but he was not AT ALL what i was expect'n...since most i've met on line back in the day's always inverted their numbers and ALWAYS add more inches without back'n it up with proof...he was thee BRAWNY MAN...x10...kittens...i nearly died!...cuz as i peeled off his nearly painted on jeans...i was knocked in the face by...

45 minutes later...after all the huff'n and puff'n and pose'n like an egyptian hieroglyphic (don't ask)...i was ready fer the fantasy to end...but i was not ready fer what i was about to witness fer the 1st time...cuz as he let out his final grunt...it was as if the hoover dam had just burst wide open

and trust me...there was no time to escape!

i literally was an eye without a face...luckily fer me though...antibiotic drops were invented at this particular moment in time

i may have came there as some sorta twistedly innocent on-licker...

but i left a full grown root'n toot'n gun slinger (insert evil wink here)

now where was i?...oh yea...this book frightened the literal fuck outta me...

trust me...DON'T!

this next book is a no brainer strainer fer all you bad boys out there...

that don't wanna make a mess on yer grama's sunday dress....when yer visit'n the ol' preparation H parade again fer the 5th time in a week...cuz mommy's gotta go to another emergency "PTA meet'n" with the head coach and superintendent...at 10 pm...after catch'n daddy one too many times...

take'n the "babysitter" with him on his lunch break

and finally...last up in "a lil kwiet time with KRYSTAL KLEER" book klub...

self exploration is completely natural at any age...whether yer a tired toddler or a tween with yer tingly parts in hyper drive...it's yer body...so you might as well find all the hidden treasures and pleasures on yer very own...before they become utterly destroyed by relationships that will ignore you and yer left on the kitchen floor of yer broken down trailer....categorize'n yer STD's...thanx to all those long and very expensive lonely nites!

there ya have it...hope that helped ya out some...now go spread my words

like a like gorgeous case of gonorrhea and get off my dress!