KISS MY SCRIPTS!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the 

 porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right

now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake 

and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...

hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example

BUTT can you believe it...

after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of  thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!

cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

i DO NOT care that he's plann'n on make'n it into a movie this time around

I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!

ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

indoctrination nation

we've all had those momentous moments in life where we so wanted to

just belong...feelin' like some pathetic outsider...desperately want'n to be some plausible insider...to be initiated into some top secret exclusive club that makes you feel that yer just a wee bit more superior...

than the rest of the losers that just couldn't make the final cut...only to realize later on in life...that it was all just a completely wasted sham

like the first time when you came across that infamous offer'n in the back 

of yer uncle's beaver hunt magazine...hidden in a locked tackle box...behind an enormous stack of hotel bibles that he had collected from his many "business trips" around the country...in the corner of the attic...that you jimmied open with that bobby pin that you just happened to have in the pocket of yer purple corduroy granimals culottes fer circumstances like this (why not!)

where you could purchase 13 tapes of yer fav-o-rit musical artists that you went ape shit over...that you would play fer endless hours into the nite...set to the highest distorted volume possible...on yer newly acquired mono casio cassette player you got from yer rich bitch of a friend that you used to live down the road from on the farm one xmas...to the complete disdain and utter annoyance and quite frankly...absolute pure jealousy from yer other sibs...then use'n yer sisters strawberry shortcake hairbrush as yer stand in microphone...

in front of yer full length jack off mirror i mean...ummm...stage mirror that you used to look out at the sea of attendees in yer delusional audience...that you used to perfect yer war paint presence along with endless hours perfect'n yer fiercest choreographed routines

in hopes that soon someday...you would be chosen to aimlessly shake yer A double snakes as a solo dancer in the next Culture Club video cuz you were picked as a top fan from a small article that you wrote and got published in an issue of Star Hits magazine at the age of 14

or as one of Madonna's back up dancers...in case one of them happened to mangle their legs beyond recognition after drive'n home late one rainy nite from rehearsals and their brakes gave out and knew you could take over after spend'n endless hours memorize'n every calculated step to her mind boggle'n "Blonde Ambition Tour"

but knew eventually you'd have to settle as the next small but important future unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of yer own universe

only to realize that if you didn't purchase 10 more cassettes as stated in the very very fine minuscule unreadable pixelated print at the bottom of the ad...at the recommended price which was comparable to a side of beef in 1985...within the next 3 years...that they would end up send'n out financial thugs to come break yer spirit...break yer bank account...and practically break yer bones!

school of course is where everyone desperately wanted to be in one of the

many numerous clubs...from the anal retentive bitchfest known as the debate club...to the jack-off jamboree of sexually depraved suppressors known as ANY testosterone enraged sports club...but of course the one and only club everyone was completely envious of...was to be part of the HEATHERS of the high school...

only to find out years later...that they all would end up stuck in a burnt out sexless marriage...with equally burnt out over processed hair...in debt up to their cankles and a waistline that only belongs on a water buffalo...that they attributed to "glandular problems" at the 20 year class reunion

the performing illusionist world will never ever be the same again...

thanx to shows like RU's popular "reality" show...in it's 11th season...that stars a bevy of unclever regurgitated bitchy and whiny RUtards...pitted against one another...each week after the weak...

from the extremely absofuckinglutely talented... 

to the truely excrutiate'n talentless performers from all walks of life...like it's the world wrestle'n federation of feathers and fiercelessness...that just end up lay'n down vommitous generic "dance" tracks to their auto-toned spoken words...or some tired old stomach churn'n "read" of others on yet another "RUview" episode...or a plethora of youtube tutorials...show'n off their stale mug in yet another paint by numbers make-up snoreisode...once they're eliminated from the series and exhausted all their tour money after shove'n it up their nose

even at an early age...we are put under pressure to become indoctrinated

into some sadistic syphilitic religion...completely make'n you feel like you are worthless and weak without it...fer instance like my great niece's recent baptism...where she had to submit to some apocalyptic preacher in a neatly pressed Calvin Klein knock off from the Saks 5th Avenue outlet...who stated that yer body is a temple and you are what you eat...basically shunn'n and fat shame'n a large portion of the noticeably much larger blasphemous congregation on the trials and tribulations of become'n part of the gluttonous diabetic parade...

all of a sudden it felt as if as i was attend'n some damn Jenny Craig jamboree!

don't even get me started on how he tried to equate his sermon to the

 CASPER crusaders hang'n onto his every word...on how CASPER and Mary's kid Jesus...who hung out with all the other apparent salacious sinners...were much like the audience in attendance this particular day (well accept i'm pretty sure "glandular" issues weren't an issue back then)...cuz even if you...as the baptismal inductee...could personally give 2 shits and comprehend what the true supposed mean'n is all about anyways at the age of 5...

these days (and let's be real here kittens) it's just a reason to hopefully siphon a handful of cash and other fabulous prizes from relatives and friends

then proceed to get plastered celebrate the lord at the local VFW afterwards

and of course the ceremony wouldn't be complete without the shake down

from the alter boys pass'n of the gold leaf plated collection plate from some half-off TJ Maxx end-cap...to pretty much guilt the CASPER crusader's into pay'n the church's mount'n bills...though the alter boys of today are no longer the fresh faces of nubile innocence like they once were when i was a servant of CASPER's...cuz trust me...if i knew now...what i didn't know then...i'da worn that communal robe with the butt cut out...WHAT THE H-E-double hockey stix? i guess the priest decided by the time i had arrived fer duty...he could be picky! 

I WAS ROBBED OF A LIFE ON EASY STREET I TELL YA!

no...the church wised up since my last tour of duty and now basically the "alter boys" were grown up glorified saintly strippers stare'n you down fer anything thing from pocket change to recipes that bake beautifully at 375 degrees

as a lil side note...the whole "break'n of the bread" charade parade...where those who have already been baptized bastardized into this cult...line up

fer an offer'n of the "body and blood" of CASPER's kid (hey...i thought cannibalism was frowned upon within the walls of worship?) how about instead of just give'n the congregation the option of dipp'n their vanilla wafer into the communal wine...ever since the share'n of the chalice caused that embarrass'n outbreak of herpes back in the late 80's

and ps...ummm...i'm still wait'n fer a callback from hollyweird power house attorney Gloria Allred to return my damn calls

may i suggest offer'n up a few more options...like perhaps dipp'n the body

of Christ in some tasty olive tapenade from Trader Joe's fer christ sakes... 

and maybe wash'n it down with a nice shot of chiante...it's merely a simple pimple suggestion i put in the offer'n plate as my contribution to this dogma and phony show!

and ya don't have'ta worry about me cuz i already got my front row seats 

but i won't be sitt'n there alone i'm sure...NOW GET OFF MY DRESS!