OH...THEY'RE OUT THERE!

ever since time periods have been recorded onto film...every CASPER  

fear'n space cadet and those who don't drink battery acid with their bagel have been secretly petrified of the unknown beyond the outer reaches of that delusional playground in the sky without admitt'n that they're curious as all H-E-double hockey stix if we truly are the only ones in the universe like that time HERMAN MUNSTER thought he came in contact with space creatures from another planet in the 60's

20's years later in the early 80's a cross dress'n extra annoy'n russet 

potato head with a light-up anal probe fer a pointer finger gets left behind after his buddies decided to hop into hyper drive fer last call at Ming's Hitch'n Post on the outer reaches of the planet Fridgia...only to get hopped up on reese's pieces thanx to his earthly air bnb hosts Elliot and his coke addicted heroine sister Gertie (that she would eventually kick years later so save yerself from make'n that phone call to the PC police and picket'n at yer state senators door steps) 

hollyweird has given their many takes on those tacky look'n terrestrials 

ever since then...with the most recent incarnation of these seafoam green space travelers which was forced upon me recently in the terrify'n horror movie "NOPE" that i can say on the surface...cinematographically it was quite exquisite however...the act'n was extraordinarily o.k. and i get that the premise of the film was roughly about society's obsession with tame'n wild animals and the priority of capitalism over self preservation

BUTT beyond that...

the only real horrors of this latest atrocity about life beyond our planet is...

#1...we get to see zero...let me repeat that Z-E-R-O aliens in the entire fuck'n film (oh sorry did i spoil it fer you? sue me!) and #2 that i will never get those 2 hours and 15 minutes back (thanx alot to my Cub Foods cupcake)

have'n said all that it made me think if i myself had ever had any sorta 

odd observational encounters with the ocean of emptiness known as our universe and then i recalled though it may sound out of this world...these follow'n events were very much true...the 1st time was the summer of  '89 when i was with an exceptionally distant acquaintance i once knew was a no fer me after she let one of my brothers completely back into her while she was drive'n down the road a while back when she dropped me off one even'n at my place of residency on the outer reaches of Winona, MN

we chatted about randomness in the driveway as we said our goodbyes

stare'n deeply into the summer's still nite sky...gaze'n at the twinkle'n of the stars when all of a sudden out of nowhere appeared to be a hexagonish shaped object hover'n miles above our head into the abyss of outer space that had red blink'n lights chase'n each other in unison fer what seemed like minutes was only just mere seconds before dart'n off at the speed of light towards another galaxy far far away that one would assume it looked like they could'a made the kessel run in 12 parsecs 

we both just looked at each other in amazement and decided not to call 

a town meet'n or contact the radio station cuz NO ONE would ever believe us and more than likely they'd just have us fitted in the latest fashion from the funny farm!

it would be roughly another 12 years before i would have another outer

space cadet case encounter in 02' when i woke up durin' one of my usual narcoleptic naps in the middle of the nite and noticed that my bedroom door which was ajar just a smidge as i tried adjust'n my cornea's remember'n i had always kept it wide open unless company was crash'n on my couch when i noticed what appeared to be somethin' in the form of a darker much larger than any normal eye i've ever seen in person that was peer'n back at me thru the top crack of my door which in my mind meant they have had to have been roughly least 7 feet tall

at the time i had a neighbor across from me that i would only ever 

converse to in pass'n in the hallway when the delivery man came by (and man did he ever deliver) nonetheless i was now completely awake and scared shitless cuz i thought someone had broken into my apartment without my knowledge fer the soul purpose to steal my hard to find boxed Boy George doll that i spent the last half of '96 and the better part of '97 in a bidd'n war just to get my claws on one after many many failed attempts

or my entire cd collection of MADONNA (incidentally...you can order her new 3cd and or 6 record collection here fer "FINALLY ENOUGH LOVE" contain'n 50 of her 50 #1's remixed fer her 64th bday come'n soon...

which incidentally she had decided to throw herself a roller disco party  

in Central Park in honor of her 64th birthday in NY and asked fans near and far to send her their best roller disco look that she would personally hand pick and invite to her party with a guest of course so i scoured thru my soured puss that i've plastered online over the years and came across my best holiglazed disco ball look i created last xmas...

only to have some random Shopko clearance rip-off artist desperately try and carbon copy my Neiman Marcus full priced puss though he looked more like someone's cat who had choked on some tinseled garland after gett'n in a fight with a christmas tree and he was the leftovers left over in the litter box...i suppose i should feel somewhat flattered nonetheless kitten...kitty litter cannot compete with klass! 

i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...he's just a fake fendi! (**UPDATE** ps I FUCK’N WON THE CONTEST…more later…now back to the story)

i had flipped open my flip phone just to focus on my perception a bit more

by shine'n some light on the situation and noticed when i looked back at my crack between the door...that the door had slightly moved a bit so of course paralyzed in fear i freaked out even more and turned around to frantically bang on my walls to get my neighbors attention...weird thing was...as i beat on the walls with my fists the walls would shutter like splash'n a puddle of water so i tried to scream to no avail cuz it was as if some apparition had somehow shoved a gel like substance down my throat to mute my terror 

by day break all was right in my world once again and right away i jumped

outta bed like it was xmas morn'n in the middle of summer to check on my cherished belongs which were thankfully still safe and sound where i left them so at this point i cannot nor will not confirm or deny that my experience was due to a lack of sleep...a neurological reaction to some bad shrimp scampi i ate fer dinner the nite before or if i truly did have an intergalactic interaction with another entity from another universe that nite...either case i'll leave you with this plausible ponderosa

to think we are the only live'n beings in the universe is absofuckinlutely

insane regardless of yer religious affiliations...there's been more than enough proof with sight'ns written off by government officials as weather balloons or water downed buffoons over the years ever since they closed off a large portion of the Nevada desert to the public in the 1950's

believe what ya wanna believe i guess nonetheless here's a lil suggestion

to ease the troubled minds of all kinds out there near and far...how about we combine a new STUDIO 54 into AREA 51 just fer a lil intergalactic love connection?

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

CALCULATE'N THE COST!

picture it kittens...it's 1984 and Miss Ciccone was the shit...sitt'n at #2

on the charts profusely proclaim'n "some boys kiss me...some boys hug me...i think they're ok...if they don't give me proper credit i just walk away"

it's not all that uncommon fer real common folk down on their luck or not

to expect to be pampered like a princess in exchange fer lower'n their standards along with their dignity just so they can avoid have'n to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen...pour'n themselves a cup of ambition...yawn'n stretch'n try'na come to life

i mean who out there doesn't hate deal'n with the fuck'n rush hour and road closures on a daily basis?

and fer those point'n their fingers at those who desperately wanna know how to marry a millionaire...well they're just lie'n thru their jean nate' after bath body splash!

think about it fer a minute...we're all taught at an early age to tap dance

like a trained trollop in front of our gastric bypassed grand parents or our arthritic aunts and uncles every time they pop in fer a visit in hopes to earn some monetary affection in the form of a small gift or plain old cold hard cash even when it's not yer birthday

i outta know...i worked an easy 5 spot outta my aunt and soon to be uncle

separately on the same day at 9 years old in 1980 when they came to visit on the farm so i could get a lift to Kresge's store in downtown Winona just to be the princess lay'n between a Solo and Skywalker sammich!

i myself never gave it a second thought though i thought fer one second

what my life would've been like if i had an unlimited expense account at someone else's expense? then i remembered as i dug into the archives of the hippocampus trunk of my brain one lazy afternoon with a couple of stalkers while sipp'n on a spirits to lift my own spirits at a tacky tiki bar...i almost had!

the 1st time was in my very late early 20's when i became absofuckinlutely

addicted to the free phone lines when i spotted them in the back pages of the weekly rag i would read on my lunch break much to Peetrinella's giddy displeasure…well this one particular caller who i'd give'n my personal digits to desperately wanted to set up an afternoon delights of sorts...tittilate'n my thoughts with untold treasures i thought i would never receive in my lifetime at the time 

proclaim'n he could shower upon me a new car...a condo…a closet full of clothes...an endless atm machine…

and a multitude of european escapades over any rainbow i desired...

and the cherry on top of this salacious sundae was that i could personally pick from his bevvy of beefy bodied builders that built fer his construction company to meet all my rectal rendezvous needs in return to ONLY hold his hand in public...it all seemed like a simple request i simply couldn't pass up!

well...once the date was set...he politely asked me if i wanted anything

to drink of which diet coke was my heroin at the time and it was a particularly parch'n day so my wish would come true i was told...unfortunately...as i waited gleefully under the tree shadow outside my apartment build'n as not to burn my sensitive lily white flesh desperately hope'n that some diet coke "daddy warbucks" would soon be seen on the horizon...

unfortunately my dreams became shattered when i noticed some wart hog in a wind breaker carry'n a 20 once bottle of my thirst quench'n drug and as thirsty as i was that day i could not deal with my dungarees and my dignity on his damn floor like a callous calculated whore d’oeuvre

it would be 20 years later that i found out by trade'n war stories with my X 

bf's mom...that said wart hog was a married man who had passed away and that his wife had actually given a cool 5mill to her late meal ticket's "hand holder" in another state that she was well aware of as he had bequeathed his pop tart my promised lifestyle in his will if i'd only hold his blood sausaged phalanges!

BUTT wait...there's more

when the age of the dot coms started to burst at the seams...it seemed

only appropriate since i was now in arms length of my 30's to reevaluate my value and since Willy Wonka was the only sugar daddy that i'd ever known...i thought i'd experiment and expand my horizons and found myself fill'n out a profile as a joke instigated by a friend to fill my "sweet tooth" curiosity...never believe'n fer a cotton candy minute that the site was actually real let alone ever get a response...however a week later i did receive a message from some confectionary cash cow in a dusty grey mens warehouse bogo suit and a jazzy pink tie

i replied back with my new cell number at the time and soon i would

receive a call from some maxi pad invite'n me to my interested parties hotel fer a formal interview...i thought what in the  shit is this? i've interviewed fer many jobs but never fer ones beginn'n with blow! i of course bothered not to apply to their retarded request fer some inquisition acquisition

it would be almost 10 years later before i once again found myself at

the cash crossroads cross'n the road on a chilly nite before christmas to meet up with some money bags who tracked me down thru a facebook search with a private message that he was come'n to town fer biz and thought i was "adorable" (ummm...his words...NOT MINE!) 

my 1st instinct i thought before decide'n to accept his request to chat was

hmmm...i haven't been called adorable since one of my grade school teachers in the 80's had me stay after school to work on a paper machete project of Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy fer some valentines contest on the radio that she wanted to enter where she would eventually go on to take full credit fer my hard work and win herself a Maytag washer/dryer combo who told me how adorable i was and had the most beautiful bedroom brown eyes (true story) HEY! i didn't know if she was tell'n me the truth or not but the truth is i didn't really care...flattery will get you everywhere! then i thought...HOLD UP! this was my profile pic i had up at the time...

so was he tell'n me that he was some sorta pervie who wanted to manage me as one of his latest milk carton models?

suffice it to say...i decided to throw caution to the wind and leave the last

year of my 30's dignity at the doorsteps since he tried ease'n my cautious mind by sweeten'n the pot and offer'n me a pair of teardrop ruby earrings and what gurl can say no to that i ask you?

Madonna's 2nd X hubby's movie had just been released at this particular 

space in time and mentioned he wanted to take me to it after a fancy dinner at some spendy downtown eatery where you can't even super size yer fries so i knew this guy meant business therefore i threw on my best pressed lime green pedal pushers and topped them off with a snazzy sangria dyed blouse (compliments of some cuntessa at the christmas party fer work the nite before) then hopped on the #6 after doin a #2 

he texted me his room number and said he'd have the door ajar when i arrived and to just walk right on in...the only thing that went thru my mind

on the bus ride to my lottery ticket...i mean date...was that i hope this Bruce Willisey/Richard Gere-ish looker wasn't to pushy when it came to my privates...however as i exited the bus and the elevator doors closed lift'n my up to his room i thought who am i kidd'n...i'm no spring chicken...

my eggs have long been hatched and i'll most likely never get this offer again since my 4th decade was right around the corner plus he would be shocked as shit to finally meet the unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe in person so i threw all my moralistic endeavors down the elevator shaft and walked thru his door...unfortunately i would be the one who was shocked as shit cuz my money bragg'n Bruce Willisey/Richard Gere-ish guru

looked more like tv's polident pariah Ernest Borgnine lean'n back in bed with his head tilted to recreate the look that he looked like in his pic he sent me...that was take'n like over 200 years ago i swear!

i never liked fish'n as a past time however this was the 1st time i was bein'

totally fuck'n cat fished and he was ready to mount me at any minute...i mean why not? i ain't bragg'n (that much) nevertheless i was a total catch fer this fossilized fisherman do you understand me?

i figered i had 2 options at this point...i could either make him feel like

a geriatric genie that needed to be put back in his bottle...give'n a suppository after his lime jell-o and tucked into bed or stand my ground and put back on my purity shield panties i had subsequently stuffed in my blazer on the way to his room (hey i'm an optimistic opportunist...don't be some judgemental judy) 

turns out my spirits were up while sipp'n on the spirits with him durin' our

dinner...the movie was just the perfect chaperone i needed to keep him from clutch'n my crotch and as the even'n came to a close luckily my clothes would never end up as a puddle in the middle of his hotel floor though he wanted to see me the next nite to give me somethin' fer xmas unfortunately i wasn't available since i was celebrate'n it with my aunt Ellen but assured him the nite after i would deck his halls

it would be his last nite in town so he laid out all his cards on the table

the morn'n i arrived back to his room once again and he proceeded to tell me how he owned some chemical plant in some california city and that he was worth millions and that his last arm candy who apparently looked very similar to me was given $150g's as a severance package when they ended their relationship after 2 years...stunned i contemplated his somewhat generous offer then said "you think i'm only worth $150,000?" 

well i would ultimately counter offer him before i put back on my sunglasses and walked myself out the door!

flash forward to my current state of distress and the mess i'm in...hunt'n 

fer work durin' this damn panic pandemic still after gett'n screwed over by some snaky oil paint'n salesman and i received this very message in my insta account recently...SHIT! now what the fuck do i do?

eh! i'm done chase'n after that damn dream...my odds are probably better pick'n my own balls!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!