OH...THEY'RE OUT THERE!

ever since time periods have been recorded onto film...every CASPER  

fear'n space cadet and those who don't drink battery acid with their bagel have been secretly petrified of the unknown beyond the outer reaches of that delusional playground in the sky without admitt'n that they're curious as all H-E-double hockey stix if we truly are the only ones in the universe like that time HERMAN MUNSTER thought he came in contact with space creatures from another planet in the 60's

20's years later in the early 80's a cross dress'n extra annoy'n russet 

potato head with a light-up anal probe fer a pointer finger gets left behind after his buddies decided to hop into hyper drive fer last call at Ming's Hitch'n Post on the outer reaches of the planet Fridgia...only to get hopped up on reese's pieces thanx to his earthly air bnb hosts Elliot and his coke addicted heroine sister Gertie (that she would eventually kick years later so save yerself from make'n that phone call to the PC police and picket'n at yer state senators door steps) 

hollyweird has given their many takes on those tacky look'n terrestrials 

ever since then...with the most recent incarnation of these seafoam green space travelers which was forced upon me recently in the terrify'n horror movie "NOPE" that i can say on the surface...cinematographically it was quite exquisite however...the act'n was extraordinarily o.k. and i get that the premise of the film was roughly about society's obsession with tame'n wild animals and the priority of capitalism over self preservation

BUTT beyond that...

the only real horrors of this latest atrocity about life beyond our planet is...

#1...we get to see zero...let me repeat that Z-E-R-O aliens in the entire fuck'n film (oh sorry did i spoil it fer you? sue me!) and #2 that i will never get those 2 hours and 15 minutes back (thanx alot to my Cub Foods cupcake)

have'n said all that it made me think if i myself had ever had any sorta 

odd observational encounters with the ocean of emptiness known as our universe and then i recalled though it may sound out of this world...these follow'n events were very much true...the 1st time was the summer of  '89 when i was with an exceptionally distant acquaintance i once knew was a no fer me after she let one of my brothers completely back into her while she was drive'n down the road a while back when she dropped me off one even'n at my place of residency on the outer reaches of Winona, MN

we chatted about randomness in the driveway as we said our goodbyes

stare'n deeply into the summer's still nite sky...gaze'n at the twinkle'n of the stars when all of a sudden out of nowhere appeared to be a hexagonish shaped object hover'n miles above our head into the abyss of outer space that had red blink'n lights chase'n each other in unison fer what seemed like minutes was only just mere seconds before dart'n off at the speed of light towards another galaxy far far away that one would assume it looked like they could'a made the kessel run in 12 parsecs 

we both just looked at each other in amazement and decided not to call 

a town meet'n or contact the radio station cuz NO ONE would ever believe us and more than likely they'd just have us fitted in the latest fashion from the funny farm!

it would be roughly another 12 years before i would have another outer

space cadet case encounter in 02' when i woke up durin' one of my usual narcoleptic naps in the middle of the nite and noticed that my bedroom door which was ajar just a smidge as i tried adjust'n my cornea's remember'n i had always kept it wide open unless company was crash'n on my couch when i noticed what appeared to be somethin' in the form of a darker much larger than any normal eye i've ever seen in person that was peer'n back at me thru the top crack of my door which in my mind meant they have had to have been roughly least 7 feet tall

at the time i had a neighbor across from me that i would only ever 

converse to in pass'n in the hallway when the delivery man came by (and man did he ever deliver) nonetheless i was now completely awake and scared shitless cuz i thought someone had broken into my apartment without my knowledge fer the soul purpose to steal my hard to find boxed Boy George doll that i spent the last half of '96 and the better part of '97 in a bidd'n war just to get my claws on one after many many failed attempts

or my entire cd collection of MADONNA (incidentally...you can order her new 3cd and or 6 record collection here fer "FINALLY ENOUGH LOVE" contain'n 50 of her 50 #1's remixed fer her 64th bday come'n soon...

which incidentally she had decided to throw herself a roller disco party  

in Central Park in honor of her 64th birthday in NY and asked fans near and far to send her their best roller disco look that she would personally hand pick and invite to her party with a guest of course so i scoured thru my soured puss that i've plastered online over the years and came across my best holiglazed disco ball look i created last xmas...

only to have some random Shopko clearance rip-off artist desperately try and carbon copy my Neiman Marcus full priced puss though he looked more like someone's cat who had choked on some tinseled garland after gett'n in a fight with a christmas tree and he was the leftovers left over in the litter box...i suppose i should feel somewhat flattered nonetheless kitten...kitty litter cannot compete with klass! 

i'm thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...he's just a fake fendi! (**UPDATE** ps I FUCK’N WON THE CONTEST…more later…now back to the story)

i had flipped open my flip phone just to focus on my perception a bit more

by shine'n some light on the situation and noticed when i looked back at my crack between the door...that the door had slightly moved a bit so of course paralyzed in fear i freaked out even more and turned around to frantically bang on my walls to get my neighbors attention...weird thing was...as i beat on the walls with my fists the walls would shutter like splash'n a puddle of water so i tried to scream to no avail cuz it was as if some apparition had somehow shoved a gel like substance down my throat to mute my terror 

by day break all was right in my world once again and right away i jumped

outta bed like it was xmas morn'n in the middle of summer to check on my cherished belongs which were thankfully still safe and sound where i left them so at this point i cannot nor will not confirm or deny that my experience was due to a lack of sleep...a neurological reaction to some bad shrimp scampi i ate fer dinner the nite before or if i truly did have an intergalactic interaction with another entity from another universe that nite...either case i'll leave you with this plausible ponderosa

to think we are the only live'n beings in the universe is absofuckinlutely

insane regardless of yer religious affiliations...there's been more than enough proof with sight'ns written off by government officials as weather balloons or water downed buffoons over the years ever since they closed off a large portion of the Nevada desert to the public in the 1950's

believe what ya wanna believe i guess nonetheless here's a lil suggestion

to ease the troubled minds of all kinds out there near and far...how about we combine a new STUDIO 54 into AREA 51 just fer a lil intergalactic love connection?

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

STICKY FINGERS pt. 2

it's still 1984 kittens and every ingrown cunt haired soccer mom and all

the house'n project princess's on the planet turned into either WENDY RICHTER or the FABULOUS MOOLAH in turn...turn'n their xmas shopp'n experience after their afternoon stories into a brutal world wrestle'n federational smack down at the first signs of snowflakes dance'n the jitterbug in december just to snatch up the latest MUST HAVE

TERESA ANN doll to put under the tree at christmas time to keep their lil puke buckets from dish'n the dirt to daddy when mothers around the country would take all those late nite after school "special"  drives to meet the principal at the no-tell motel next to the freeway off ramp in the next county over

a young girl from Michigan inadvertently gave herself a gynecological exam on the stage at the very 1st MTV awards show inadvertently cement'n herself as the undeniable QUEEN OF THE DANCEFLOOR

and horror fans everywhere whacked off to then weeped as the latest dreamy heart throbber received open heart surgery in his dreams thanx to some demonic slash'n surgeon...get a ticket to the catch-up train fer pt. 1 here

so said occupant of the west territory was a huge fan of MR. JACKSON

durin' this time period (hey the world practically was to be fair) and had gotten the other MUST HAVE doll as a prezzie that year

even though i was totally denied the MUST HAVE MR. O'DOWD doll fer the same reason (however don't fret my pensive pet....i would FINALLY own the doll fer my very own after 5 bidd'n wars on ebay 20 years later) so suffice it to say that after this injustice and after my Marilyn bible was blatantly pillaged i needed to prepare fer an under cover plan of attack after find'n a few mutilated pages lead'n me west of the wall so i hadda top secret meet'n with the head of my assailant's toybox 

as i feathered her hair and in my head she had spilled some top secret secrets and told me to get in contact with the basement brigade to help me with my full scale attack on all sides and though i had already found a trail of terror of torn page bits lead'n me to the assailants side…

i was runn'n short on time and wouldn't have time to search out the whereabouts of these soldiers fer back-up as i heard my assailant walk'n up the steps so i hadda do a judgement call after find'n a few crumpled scatterin's in the waste basket on the other side

and went totally Thomas Hewitt on the assailant's ass chase'n her outta the room then stumbled across her prized possession the Jackson doll and proceeded to meticulously snap the head and arms off one by one...

then hooked up the spark plugs i found in the back seat of Barbie's hot wheels and short circuited her transmission with MJ's lil silver glove

BUTT hold on to yer judgemental calls... 

well after all the back and forth breakdowns over the next few hours 

my conscious had gotten the better of me and i felt i needed to step up bein' the bigger brother so when the occupant of the west became transfixed on this witch doll i felt i needed to buy it fer her until i realized i was roughly some 70 cents short so as my sibs all left the store fer home i devised a plan b that was much less expensive so i nervously looked left...then right...then left again (thankyou after school cross'n guards fer grill'n that in my head) as i seen no humans walk'n up or down my aisle i quickly snatched this ugly witch doll off the hook and shoved it down my pre shrubbed snatch

utterly unaware that "BIG BROTHER" was eye'n me out from up above!

if i had planned my very first undercover breakout mission just a bit better 

i would'a remembered to fill my fanny pack with my BONNIE BELL limited edition camo war paint so i wouldn't be noticed as easily however i thought there's no turn'n back now since this witch was give'n me an itch in the bowels of my undergarments and proceeded to pep up my step to the store's exit have'n said that just as i thought i was goin to cross the barriers of this beauty and drug store and be home free

my 6th sense had kicked in and felt a presence behind me i hadn't felt since i knocked myself out on the tether ball in 6th grade play'n fag football on the playgrounds of Madison school nonetheless i was committed to right'n my half wrong at this point!

my heart was race'n as if it were in 1st place at the kentucky derby and my

mind was doin laps at the grand prix speed'n an insane million miles a nano second and i kid you not i was bein egged on or serenaded by MRS. BENATAR's "YOU BETTER RUN" over the loud speakers at that very moment as i thought i was in the clear unfortunately just as i was about to cross the outer limits of the store's pharmaceutical force field much to my surprise i would be snatched back by a well manicure claw from behind

i tried with every vain in my tiny frame to reason with this AUGHRA look'n 

anal wart who had bad bottled highlights pulled thru a cap of course as she clutched onto my left shoulder with a strong grip that of a bald eagle after catch'n their afternoon snack from a cool mountain stream as she marched me swiftly off down the candy aisle to the back of the store down the secret florescent lit hallways beyond the employee's only saloon doors and regrettably there would be no negotiate'n at this juncture in the road

tune in next week fer the very laughable conclusion to STICKY FINGERS

now GET OFF MY DRESS!