oh fer the mother of gawd! pt.1

moms

we all had to have one at some point...whether we like it or not!

some moms are single and like help in the garden from time to time

who accept their children as precious publicity prizes

some moms may never be runway models...but make great role models

who accept their children as back talkers with a mind of their own

some moms are divorced...try'n to raise their kids on a very fixed income

who accept their children as teenage terrors just try'n to get along

and some moms are widowed...just try'n to make extra income fer their kids

who accept their children as their partners in the family business

some moms are simply fantastic at multi task'n

who accept their children as complete juvenile deliquents with high libidos

while some moms can turn a simple task into multiple solutions

who accept their children as free-load'n adults who never leave the house

and then there's that one mom that some say "pulled a rabbit outta her hat"

but this is one ferry who cannot confirm or deny this fairie tale took place

either way ya look at it...many of moms out there are the problem solvers
or perhaps a more fitt'n title would be..."solution researchers"

BUT...and there always is one

(i mean...c'mon...we all have one...right?)

there is a certain conglomerate of "non solution reasearchers" out there...
otherwise known as problem seekers...instead of problem solvers!

so you have this supposed one million moms who are outraged by the fact that JC Penny's has someone like Ellen Degeneres as their spokesmodel

what's wrong with Ellen?...she's funny...she's charismatic...she speaks her mind without have'n to use vulgar humor to make a point...she's completely comfortable with herself...she's made it thru the barriers of what is considered "beautiful" in hollyweird without have'n to pose fer playboy...and she's a woman!

i thought it was all about girl power...

about gett'n the right to vote...burn'n yer bra's...about Roe vs Wade

EQUALITY!

so why is it then...that a bunch of backyard bitches (hey...i'm not Ellen) think that Ellen is not fit to represent?

the simple pimple is...cuz she's a woman...who likes women!

granted...Ellen's girl power may go from the bright lights to the bedroom...
but she's not represent'n sex toys...nor is she dressed up as some scadtily clad runway up-chucker with a weave...nor is she spew'n out raunchy language to the millions who tune into her daily program

it's fine if you wanna protest things like language appropriateness or sexually explicit images thru tv or advertisements that are obviously unsuitable for kids of a certain age bracket...i can agree with ya there...

but try'n to get a boycott goin for a company just cuz they chose someone

who you think is not part of the "traditional family" values...ummm yea...
the Penny has grown up and changed their minds...maybe you should!

i hate to hate on haters...but quit hate'n haters!

i also hate to point out the simple fact...just in case yer unaware...that a non heterosexual woman or a non heterosexual man cannot exist without a non homosexual woman and a non homosexual man...(which YOU say is the "traditonal family")...and therefore YOU are accountable and are completely resposible fer our exisitance so...mucho gracious in salutations!

cuz after all...we were born this way

you wanna go back to wear'n petticoats and fiddle dee dee'n...that's fine

but that don't mean the rest of us hav'ta jump on yer broom stick and join ya...and don't start bitch'n to yer porcelian dolls cuz yer not treated fairly when yer look'n fer a wedd'n planner...hairstylist...interior decorator...
build'n contractor...salesperson...lawyer...or a huge array of other personal assistance you made need in yer everyday life...

cuz here's a quarter bitches...buy a clue

Ellen's (and Allen's) have existed since the beginn'n of time...plus...we have ALOT more expendable income to help the economy GROW...which is a good thing...aint' it?

gawd...when will this right winged bible beat'n paranoia end?

i'm guess'n no time soon...since they are also now pissed at Macy's

bitches puhleez...you do no harm to no one but yerself...i was never a huge fan of the Penny...but thanx to yer ignorance...you gave me an outlet to plug into and shed some light to my masses how you all look like asses!

now if ya wouldn't mind...i got some shopp'n to do...so get off my dress!

ps...speak'n of mom's...how incredible was the QUEEN mom's performance on sunday...i went to thee best 12 minute superbowl party in the history of parties...the QUEEN gave me goosebumps...i swear to CHER!

and the award goes to...

with the globes already over and the oscars not far away...i figered ya needed a real award show with a real reason for a loser to win!

in case ya missed the first ever FUCKTARD awards that was held right here last year...you can catch up or rekindle yer excitement here!

WOW!...we haven't even reached april fool's day yet...and already the nominations are pile'n up like the floaters from the Costa Concordia

this year i decided to wear an overstated yet simplistic look by french haute coultier designer Terry Mugler

"a simple full length black silhouette dress...yet notice how the neck line plunges as it caresses my jeweled breast...the jewels continue to flow up my armpit and cascade down my sleeve...to help mask those unsightly sweat stains from the paparazzi...while being completely encased in a floor length coat accented with pillowed pink silk that's been squeezed from the backsides of a million golden orb spiders from Madagascar by Indonesian whistle children"

"the limo's are pull'n up...let's see who's made the cut this year"

"why look...it's SNL has-been and tea party twat...Victoria Principle...
oops...my bad...i've just been informed by her gal pal Shelly Bachmann it's Victoria Jackson...but really...what's the diff?...who really cares?"

"my...you've been a busy c*nt this year Vicky..what...with all the bashes against Obama and even the folks at GLEE fer their Kurt and Blaine kiss...while cite'n the bible as one of yer reasons for making such a statement...but i'd say yer best was say'n alcoholism is a sin but ya don't see an alcoholic pride parade...bitch pleez!...it's called happy hour at any given bar on any given nite!"

"i'd like to say i'm surprised...but that's like watch'n the Titanic fer the tenth time and hope'n everyone makes it to shore"

"wow...the Pillsbury Doughboy...but why would YOU be nominated?

"yer so cute and pokeable"

"wait a minute...i'm still recover'n from my lasik surgery...lemme get my Yves Saint Laurent spectacles on...those Yugoslavian children do such impecable work...dont'cha think?"

"there...now i can see much better...hey...can ya back up a bit pleez?...you'll soften me up in post production...won'tcha kitten?"

"oh geez...it's that damn grumpy pasty ass dinosaur...figless Newt spew'n off at that seething mouth of his again"

"really Newt!...blow'n yer top like a teapot...after all...you admitted to having an affair with congressional harlet and current wife Callista...while you lead the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton for the same thing a while back...but i see this aint' the 1st time fer you at the rodeo!

"hey Newt...got my fingers crossed fer ya...though yer facts are about as reliable as priest on a playground...we all know you deserve this!"

"this is a surprise...MN prez of the Parents Action League...Barb Anderson"

"oh hold on a sec Barb...i got a call come'n in...HELLO?...hi...yer live on the web...who's call'n please?...this is 1980 call'n and you would like Barb to give back yer way of think'n...sure thing...i'll let her know...thanx fer call'n!...did ya get that Barb?

"oh...why dont'cha just grab a rake and run it across the chalk board!...
and while yer at it...grab yer self some suppositories and have a seat...
the show is about to begin"

"welcome to tonite's broadcast of the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards"

"tonite's telecast is sponsored by the makers of Milk of Amnesia"

"cuz it's alot easier than have'n to remember yer full of shit on yer own!"

"let's go back stage and get a word from tonite's 1st presenter of the even'n...Kim Kardashian"

"oops...i'm sorry folks...but it looks like our 1st presenter Kim
Kardashian has somehow spontaneously combusted...let that be a lesson to you kittens...over exposure is not a good thing!...oh well...move'n on"

and the nominees are :

Elton John and his wife David Finished

ok...1st off...Elton...time to pull that roadkill off yer head and bury it...secondly...you really need to stop eat'n those bitter cupcakes before you go live on the air during ceremony season...

i hadda good mind to pull out my ouija board and contact Miss Crawford

and have her go ape shit on yer A double snakes fer those comments you made towards the QUEEN's chances of take'n home the top prize...cuz don't it suck to get bitch slapped?

and as far as yer paid in full rent boy..you now have taken as yer wife...he really needs to concentrate more on being a proper wife...before he starts serve'n backhand sammiches to anyone!

Pastor Patrick Wooden

hmmm...well this is a FUCKTARD award first...a man of the cloth...did you know that if you took out "at"...yer left with Prick Wooden?...oh so many thoughts could be conjured up from that one...butt really Wooden...how do YOU know soo much?...

what a fabu prezzie you've given all non heterosexuals in a way...bring'n to light the ignoramous religious zealotry that is so out of fashion these days

Rick Santorum and Rev. O'Neal Dozier

enquire'n minds really wanna know...how big is he?...WOW...REALLY?
thanx fer clear'n that up fer the american people Rick...but really...is an award show the place fer that kinda talk? i will say though...there's some things you need to go back to the draw'n board and rethink...don'tcha think?...or i don't fancy you ever become'n prez!

is he the reason ya hadda skidaddle outta the florida debates?

so how does another supposed man of the cloth know that non heterosexuality is "something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit."...i mean...sure it does happen to a percentage of the non heterosexual crowd who don't have that built in "no gag" reflex...hell even the non homo gals have a hard time with it as well...butt practice does make perfect!

perhaps someone's been drink'n too much of the communal wine on the weekends...i'm just say'n

and last...State Senator Stacey Campfield

i've had a secret thing fer hot tamale heads...but why his nomination?

hmmm...politicians and priests seem to be hogg'n the limelight this year

oh well...on with the show...

and the winner is (ohhh...i'm so nervous)

GOP TN State sorry-ass Senator Stacey Campfield

this is a total upset...i really can't believe a hot strapp'n red head like Stacey could beat out a guy like Santorum who means so much

well Stacey...what do you have to say fer yerself?

"that bullying thing is the biggest lark out there"

anything else?

"most people realize that AIDS came from the homosexual community...it was one guy screwing a monkey...if i recall correctly...and then having sex with men....it was an airline pilot...if i recall"

"i'd also like to add...what's the average lifespan of a homosexual?...it's very short...google it yourself"

WOW...you must'a studied hard on yer exams to become the GOP gimp...

you make Deputy Cletus Hogg seem like a reliable presidential canidate!

but don't take my word fer it...listen to this winner here

if you feel that Stacey was unfairly awarded...don't worry...at least someone has already taken up a campaign fer his FUCKTARD award reversal here

so it boils down to this...religion is like a hard-on kittens...it's fine to have one...it's fine to be proud of it...but puhleez don't whip it out in public

and start wave'n it around like some lightsaber...and please don't shove it down everyone's throat that doesn't have a no gag reflex!

well...anyways kittens...thanx fer tune'n in to the 2nd annual FUCKTARD awards...congrats to all our nominees...but a word of caution to those try'n to hold up their britches with the bible belt and their bitches...

if yer supposed ALL MIGHTY is watch'n
then you should take another guess

cuz if you think that yer unscathable
well then...you better get off my dress!

waking up with the house on fire

picture it...winter...the year

i had cashed in my recycable cans that i had collected around my town

(and no...not because i wanted to help save the planet...gimme a break...i was only 14...the only thing i was hell bent on save'n at this particular point in time was my ass and sanity at the catholic school i was forced to go to)

add'n to that...some of my paper route money from the shopper i delivered

after pay'n off my brother's that helped me and gett'n my weekly sugar fix

i had earned enough green backs to purchase the much anticipated primitive musical apparatus...known as a cassette...from my fav-o-rit singer

of all time...and FYI...YES he still is to this very day...so get over it already!

Culture Club's "WAKING UP WITH THE HOUSE ON FIRE" was all mine

at the time...i would'a sold my only sister to have those flame red locks

i ended up have'n to buy the cassette 2 more times though...cuz my tape player decided to have the 1st 2 copies fer an afternoon lunch snack

but at 14...this was a very devistating event...for ME!

that same year...Drew Barrymore appeared in Stephen King's "Firestarter"

and at only 10 years old...she was burn'n up the movie screen's everywhere

one turned into a devistating event...the other was a disasterous event

picture it...december 8th...the year

music legend John Lennon and his wife Yoko Ono had returnd home that nite from the record'n studio...mix'n their song "walking on thin ice"

Lennon wanted to be home in time to say goodnight to his son Sean before goin' out fer dinner with Ono...unfortunately Lennon decided to not have his driver go thru the security gates at the Dakota build'n and he was shot by a paranoid schizophrenic who Lennon had signed an autograph for...only a few hours early that same day...as he tried to enter his home

that same nite...though i was not cutt'n any musical album...i had dinner and i remember talk'n to my 4 year old brother Sean before bed

sometime in the middle of that cold snowy nite...i was awoken from my sleep...and i was literally...wake'n up with the house on fire

i remember very little from that nite 31 years ago

it's like try'n to put together a gigantic puzzle of yer life...

but some of the pieces are miss'n and others don't seem to match up!

i recall stand'n outside in the snow...as the snow fell...in my pajamas...
with all of my siblings in theirs...next to our green station wagon

except for my 4 year old brother Sean...who...for whatever reason...

was not shuffled outside with the rest of us...into the cold winter nite

my oldest brother Jim was live'n with my aunt at the time...and my dad had passed away 12 months earlier from leukemia..so instictively...i felt like i was the "man of the house" and needed to go back inside the house to search for for my brother Sean

i remember being told to get the fire extinguisher by the wood pile in the basement..and as i ran down the long staircase to our basement...

i seen our german shepard Mickey pace'n back and forth in a circle by the basement door want'n to get out...so without hesitation...i opened the door and let him run off into the cold snowy nite to safety

as i turned back...i spotted the fire extinguisher next to the pile of wood...

frantically...i tried to pry it free...but my 10 year old strength was no match for the ice that had now held the extinguisher in a choke hold against the pile of wood

so back up the basement staircase i ran...thru the unfinished room on the second floor my dad had started build'n a couple of years before so all 8 of us would have our own bedroom...and raced up another flight of stairs to the 3rd floor to search for my brother Sean

by this point...the snap...crackle...pop of the flames had intensified

to the point that i could feel it bake'n my skin like the hot desert sun

once i had reached the top of the stairs to our bedrooms...the smoke was as thick as molassess in january...make'n it impossible to see anything

all i could see in front of me were flames dance'n around like stay'n alive

the next flashback was my mom's fist bang'n on our neighbors door...

a half mile down the road...to let us in and call the fire department

as we all gathered in their basement...i remember sitt'n on the couch and watch'n the special news report that nite...that John Lennon had been shot

the rest of the events from that nite have become just small pieces of memory from a puzzled moment in time...and though it comes to me in small pockets of time during my dreams still after all these years...or when some close relationship comes to an end whether it be intimate...with family or with friends

i always end up feel'n like i'm wake'n up with the house on fire

2 people taken by tragedy in one nite

one by a disasterous turn of events

the other by a devistating turn of events

2 events...4 years apart...both devistating and disasterous moments of time...each in their own respect

it's funny how people compare and contrast certain events or situations

a polaroid of time that stays with you forever...while other snapshots taken have been discarded and deleted from your memory completely...like a contact from yer cell pone

after years of being charged to sit on someone's couch to fumble thru my scrapbook of memories....wish'n i could take a much better shot...as many of us do with our own lives from time to time...maybe it's time for me to just get off my dress?