SWEET TOOTH pt 2

last week on SWEET TOOTH...Baby Jane Hudson became uncontrollably

consolable into a fit of hysterics...oh wai'da'minute...that's not my story...

eh...i just needed an eye catch'n opener just like in all those bad but deliciously tacky Roger Coreman movies

click here to catch up with what the hell is goin on...before move'n on

and now the saccharinated conclusion to SWEET TOOTH...

turns out it was 6 bags of somethin' better than make'n our tastebuds

 dance'n til dawn...it was 6 bags that had monetary value hidden inside...ummm H-E-L-L-O...SCORE!

as we each grabbed 2 bags each...we hopped into Big Lipps ma's car

and hatched a plan (totally ignore'n the mountain of unopened twinkies) as to how we were actually gonna be able to get away with our new found wealth!

1st on the list was to completely alter our looks...by pick'n up 3 different

boxes of Miss Clairol to change our luscious locks to a completely different shade than we had previously had prior to our life of crime (see...this is where i personally believe Bonnie & Clyde completely fucked up if ya ask me) i decided to go with a warm cappuccino dirty blonde (if yer inquire'n mind wants to know)

next up was to purchase our one way tickets to some foreign country

at the time i imagined myself in a spacious garden apartment in Ottumwa Iowa...i figered i could hang with Radar at the local soda shop on the weekends and talk about his time in the trenches at the 4077 M*A*S*H unit...hey...i just figered we laid low fer the next 3 to 5 years...

(cuz i was really in no mood to do 5 to 10 in San Quentin) we could all eventually meet up at some undisclosed ritzy rendezvous point...however...after we figered out there was no way Big Lipps wouldn't get his ass kicked to Kenosha if he didn't have the car home before his ma woke up for work in the morn'n...so he just opted to drop me off at home and went on his merry bandit way

Joan Crawford was gone fer the next 3 days visit'n her brother in Virginia

so it was me and my 3 older brothers that hadda look after our 3 younger sibs and by the time i finally had made it home...i crawled thru my bedroom window and frantically searched fer scissors to open my 2 bags of coins to see what i had now possessed...and turns out...i had hit the mutha fuck'n payload with 2 full bags of quarters and devised a plan to cash them in (though that would have to wait til morn'n cuz i was beat)

once the younger sibs were stapled to the couch with their ice cream

 bucket jammed to the top with their fav-o-rit morn'n stomach fillers the follow'n sunrise... 

and turn'n on their fav-o-rit saturday morn'n news program to keep the lil monkeys occupado while i tried to figer out the best way to cash in my new found loot

i went down to the basement and grabbed a handful of mason jars from

 Joan's cann'n collection...turns out i completely filled 4 of the large jars to the brim...so i packed them neatly in my pack back...

and Elmira Gulch'd my way off to the bank before they would close by noon...and too my surprise...i ended up with 363 spank'n new benjamins to my name (that was like a million dollars to a 15 year old) since my paper route only paid my 38 benjamins a month to deliver the Winona Shopper

BUTT...move'n on

return'n home...the lil monkeys were restless and i was in no mood to

 play warden with my new found wealth...so i called Big Lipps to see what he scored with his haul...turns out it was roughly only 75 benjamins in nickels...i told him i'd give him 2 benjamins fer petrol if he would run me to the local record store FACE THE MUSIC (which...incidentally...you millennial's & gen Z'ers will never appreciate the 1000's of click...click...click'n of cd's case on all those lazy afternoons of unsupervised entertainment like us gen X'ers relished in)

once inside...i found myself thee holy grail of money holder's stare'n me

smack dab in the face at the simple low low cost of $7.50...how could i go wrong? this was like totally an omen...cuz if i never would'a non violently robbed that twinkie truck...i would most likely never had went into FACE THE MUSIC that weekend and since there was only one dark lavender Culture Club wallet left...it was obviously meant to be!

after my holy grail purchase...Big Lipps dropped me off at home as my 

antsy sibs were gett'n ready to rumble cuz the saturday morn'n news was come'n to a close...so i decided to be the responsible big bro and hopped on my huffy to the local video rental store to find somethin to keep'em tap dance'n fer the next 3 or 4 hours so i wouldn't be bothered...

and after 30 minutes of hunt'n high and low thru the aisles of VHS hell...i opted fer "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK" if i remember correctly

as i brought the tapes up to the counter to pay...i couldn't find my brand

 new dark lavender Culture Club wallet contain'n my remainder of $355.50 in my back pocket where i kept it...so immediately and quite frantically...i ran thru the rental store like a tazmanian devil with turrets...however...unfortunately after 10 minutes or so of not find'n it anywhere...i figered i probably had dropped it at my house...so i huffyed my plump and oh so supple A double snakes home as fast as a hornet in heat...flipp'n my entire bedroom apart...

i could feel my walls close'n in on me and suddenly it felt like that time when the princess was trapped in H-E-double hockey stix try'na escape the death star...with no hope in sight of ever find'n my wallet

i could barely catch my breath as i flew back down to the video store to

ask the 2 town rental whores work'n part time behind the counter if anyone had turned in a wallet...to which they both said (in unison i might add) "NO...no one turned in a purple Culture Club wallet!"

wai'da'minute! i know i never said what kinda wallet it was that i lost!

the jig was up...i now had realized that i'd been played by a couple of pro VHS ho's...who weren't play'n around...so not ONLY did i forgo the video rental fer my sibs that afternoon...i also didn't get to marinate in my new found wealth any longer...A-N-D worst of all...

I LOST MY DAMN DARK LAVENDAR HOLY GRAIL!!!

even Indiana could'a never completed this task fer me cuz these obviously

 devious dickless swatch watch'n maxi padders were the purest of evil in their acid wash girbaud jeans burst'n at the seams (that they most likely needed the jaws of life to put em on) and their not so lil piggies choke'n to death in their jelli slip-on's from Pamida who had single handily and subconsciously outsmarted me at my own game

WOW! this was not the way my mentos moment was suppose to end!

moral of this story is...karma was more than just a chameleon from the 

80's and that twinkies are not the chemically treated delicacy that we were all lead to believe!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

ps...if the statute of limitations hasn't run out and we can still possibly be 

charged with some sorta armed robbery or high crimes and misdemeanors after all these years...ummm this was all just an alleged dream that i fergot to not remember...ever happened!

pps...in case you didn't forgo that over priced mocha choka pumpkin 

spiced frappe with all those chemically enhanced sprinkles last week like i had asked or perhaps yer feel'n just a wee bit more generous and don't wanna burn in the firey pits of whatever delusional afterlife story you believe in then why not donate to a worthy cause!

TYRANICAL MECHANICAL

when it comes to the corral of people i've acquired over the many years...

i've know those who are absolute whores...

and i have known those who are absolute bores! i of course have learned to balance myself in between both worlds without point'n fingers

i have had my many shares of ups and downs dur'in my Minne-apple life

and by that i mean there were times i wasn't really up fer goin down on anybody...no matter how much of a tooth chipper they were or need'n their throat plunged

i can recall once how i had had all i could take and my cracks were about

to leak (BUTT i ain't talk'n about my plump A double snakes...well...not this time anyways)

so there i was doin' my non sexual charitable act of the week late one nite 

back in the mid millennium era durin' the holiglazed season after doin my sexual charitable act of the week (don't point yer paws at me kittens...i'm not dead) fer the low low price of 5 benjamins play'n taxi cabber to one of my longest and almost dearest friends...well there was that one incident involve'n an orange wedge stuffed with some colorful narcotic...

 that i was give'n unbeknownst to me fer an afternoon snack just fer their twisted pleasure when i lived in a 1 bedroom with 6 colorful castaways in Dinkytown back in '93 that oops'd herself into the "sleep'n with one eye open" category fer the next 6 years after i jumped out of our 2nd story bathroom...however...i’ve learned to look past the insanity of  that day & have patched up any bad blood years later

my piece of crap death mobile that i got by default thanx to catholick guilt

 from my not so dear uncle who was forced into a raisin ranch...had decided that it didn't wanna go on a nightly rendezvous this one particular even'n...instead...decided to toss a fuck'n attitude on my way to pick up said friend

now i'm the 1st to admit that i'm not particularly mechanically inclined to

  know exactly what it means when things start to rattle and shake concern'n my mobile especially when the lights started flicker'n on my dashboard like they were compete'n at some downtown disco competition...my simple thought process just told me immediately that if i don't wanna hear the clank'n and clatter'n...pull up yer culottes like any normal unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe with a personal disdain fer mechanics in general and just solve the problem on yer own by turn'n the damn music up to go along with the flash'n lights on the disco dashboard and *POOF* problem solved...right?

well eventually i was gett'n exhausted by my shitty car's exhaust slowly

consume'n the oxygen inside of my car as i rolled the windows down before i was down and out behind the wheel and in the end suffered thru the indignation of the black friday chaos with no immediate p-r-o-b-l-e-m-s except fer the fact that i fergot to call ahead to the store thus denied the red carpet treatment that i thought i deserved at this point

after a nauseate'n 20 minutes breath'n in the stale air of filth and regret...

with the bedless...bathless and beyond annoy'n pack of black friday wolves...we finally packed up our purchases and on our way we were...or so i thought!

once outside to start the car...it decided to start give'n me smart aleck

 back talk immediately as i turned the key and although i chanted some delusional meaningless nam you renge kyo's to the universe...my fuck'n shit mobile had just committed suicide right there in the park'n lot...it was deader than my libido at that point

thankfully i was as calm as a cucumber as calm as a cuntasaurus can be 

at this point after goin thru the candy land of prompts to finally reach a fuck'n live agent at my insurance company and like any true friend to comfort you in the middle of yer crisis...

she decided to defuse my blown out fuse and to use one of her last lifelines with me and phone a friend

about 60 minutes later...Speedy Gonzalez finally showed up and had me

backed into the backseat of my car and jacked up my skirt back behind my wheels in 1.5 minutes flat...that's the quickest anyone's gotten me off and runn'n (at no cost...to date) he just asked fer my insurance policy and had me sign on the dotted line...he couldn't read my serial killer penmanship and said "i don't need yer cell number sir" i replied slyly "don't be so sure!" he clapped back with "i just need yer name" to which i seductively said "you can just call me TONITE...i mean it!"

by morn'n everything seemed like normal...i had my morn'n protein shake

 (and YES i don't mean some sausage syrup sicko's) and was ready to head out and watch the narcissistic parade of pole puffers at the gym

insert'n the key into the ignition...i was ready to get the day roll'n...

unfortunately as i turned the key once again with my fingers crossed...FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

after send'n out smoke signals to my encyclopedia of pseudo friends...

i figered it wouldn't hurt fer some back up...so i whored myself out online...thankfully a passerby didn’t pass me by and jumped me…i mean my car and off i was once again...goin directly to the closet automotive hospital to figer out what the actual fickle stix was actually wrong with my cartastrophe

a simple smooth ride with no worries in sight...the cool crisp february air

 blow'n thru my follically challenged scalp...in concert sing'n back-up with LORETTA LYNN's "YOU AIN'T WOMAN ENOUGH TO TAKE MY MAN" then all of a sudden F-U-U-U-U-U-U-C-K! a few blocks from my destination i noticed that my dashboard started back at the discotheque with all the arrows have'n an epileptic seizure and me about to go back into ape shit mode... 

cuz i was drive'n behind Miss Colostomy Bag 2016 in who was move'n at the speed of Helen Keller in a burn'n build'n

i managed to move one half block where again...my car had had enough 

and laid to rest on the side of the road away from any and all traffic...damn! WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CALGON?

once again...after hunt'n down live help with the annoy'n prompts...

i was told the ETA was just an hour away however i had ants in my pants and death plots to consider and with a dead battery...not only in my car...but

 also on my cell...i knew i hadda act quick so i quickly posted another plea online on by post'n a pic of "me" broken down o the side of the road on SCRUFF or Throatplungers.com i can’t remember off hand to be honest

request messages came in from near and far...one by one...the horny lil toads

logged off their accounts in droves and logged in my exact coordinance into their GPS systems...bottoms all over the metro area were in mourn'n that morn'n...a candle vigil was almost eminent although after pillage'n thru the plethora of promises to save my sorry A double bubble snakes from turn'n into a popsicle if i'd just give them a jump before they jumped my car (i cannot confirm nor deny that last scenario just happened to pop in my head as i recalled this day)

my knight in a half shiny white truck finally showed up and off we were

well...after almost 4 1/2 hours & bein' raped of about 460 benjamins later...

i was left with thee most completely unexpected and wondrous experience i had ever experienced at any automotive clinic in my life...i was give'n a free car wash...a bottle of their finest expired H2O and offered a complimentary hand job in the john by some John (hey…it could happen!) unfortunately they only encourage ritual bathin's plus it's apparently not a prerequisite to own all yer own teeth at this establishment...it's just a luxury if you have them all

needless to say...i declined their very generous offer and went about my mary way

but ALL happy end'ns unfortunately must come to an end...at a cost...

and this fairy tale ended exactly 2 days & 75 more benjamins later when another mechanic that ended up give'n me an oil change...said i needed to replace the belt asap before i planned on leave'n town to Peetrinella's xmas exchange so i called the 1st mechanic back ask'n why they didn't notice that the belt was cracked since they hadda check the belt change'n the alternator in the 1st place to begin with and of course he try'd explain'n his way outta it in some egytian hieroglyphic scarecrow bullshit way...

nevertheless...i figered my only solution at this point in life was to find another cheaper...untrustworthy lip service agent and then some meat headed mechanic to fuck like my X so i don't get fuck'd over ever again! hope you enjoyed my ride from H-E-double hockey stix...oh and just to be proactive here...i'm take'n applications fer future mechanics with throat plunge'n payment plans so PM me yer deets

now GET OFF MY DRESS!