weh-heh-heeellll...it's about fuck'n time...don'tcha think my pretty lil mink? when we last left off back in 2023 i had a lil over 618k voyeuristic views before pull'n a Houdini on you all...since then i've managed to wrangle in another 800k+ stalkers without say'n a simple syrupy word so i figered it was time fer round 2 and believe you me...this time around...there's gonna be none of that damn NO HOLDS BARRED bullshit...FUCK THAT!!! it's gonna be a NO HOLDS BARRED X 100!!! i'm pull'n out ALL the plausibly pungent punches and serve'n every one of you curious kittens a plateful of the liably laughable lunches imaginably imaginable that my feeble lil mind can conjure up!
(but NOT in a TAWNY KITAEN kinda way...OH NOOOO!)
more like in a WAKE ME UP (before you go-go runn'n off to yer socially unsupportive overly charged therapist way)
don't get me wrong....i am very well aware of how the climate of caustic
casual conversations has now turned into that annoy'nly weary WENDY RICHTER vs FABULOUS MOOLAH smack-down of salacious sling'ns and cuntentious casualties of the who's what and the WTF's of the pronoun pyramid scheme
seriously...call yerself what ever the live'n fiddlers fuck you wanna believe
you are...it's truly not gonna affect mine or anyone else's life in the slightest...though trust me...there still is gonna be life fortunately after the love you think that you so rightfully deserve and yet unceremoniously get completely denied...
cuz u gotta know that i outta know...after all...i was practically "engaged"
fer all unpractical purposes to a former craigslist recipient last year (fer roughly a year) that i had met in the middle of my earlier than unusual mid-life crisis a lil over 13 years ago...who i knew from day one was gonna be nothin' more to me but a mere dickstraction from a former feral fickle fagolicious pickle that had been occupy'n my mental space without pay'n me the standard monthly emotional support rent that i so righteously deserved after pick'n him up from one self induced chemical crisis after another
he was ALMOST everything that i was ALMOST look'n for at the moment...
i was served up thee almost most killa kosmic kocktails durin' this time frame which was my go to poison at this juncture in the road...
catered to an abosfuckinlutely phenomenal almost 5 star Michelin meal whenever i spent the nite...
all while watch'n almost everyone's fav-o-rit homo depot card carry'n politically-on-point clam collector RACHEL MADDOW...
then ended in the midnite hour by swapp'n throat plunge'n sonnets into each others esophagus in his almost blissfully bland boudoir...
BUUUUUUUT all of a sudden...
(yea...you thought i'd forgotten huh didn'tcha kitten?)
after roughly 6 months into our bi-weekly routine of the bi-cautious affair
that i tried to ferget by the time dawn had broken with my bedroom romeo
(oh did i fergot to mention he was previously married to a maxi padder?)
well...since i was all too familiar that this "bi-scenario" was not gonna lead to any sorta Breakfast At Tiffany's bagels to remember (nor thankfully to regret) it was all just a frivolous and fancy...unsalted adulted entertainment with a free bonus fer me...
and lemme tell ya...that bonus practically had it's own P.O. box!
his only purpose to me at this place in time was to fulfill all my purposes...
all of which he had dutifully done...cuz i was thrilled that i didn't have to cook another shitty box of stale stove top crunch on burnt toast dinners then wash it down with a lukewarm glass of indignation a couple of days outta the week...
i was beyond elated that i didn't have to pay fer top shelf tanqueray...since i was beyond embarrassed when i found out that my local liquor store would not accept my platinum EBT card one even'n...
and i was over the moon that i got to enjoy some top notch pundit crotch since i couldn't afford cable in my shitbox (sorry fer that...i'm try'na not be sooo negative this time around) i mean my quaint lil shitbox!
unfortunately the only mountain i wanted broken was his backhanded bs
he...like so many many others from my past shenanigans had sent me via the tic tac text'n sharade parade...
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instead of a grown ass face to face confrontation...oops i mean C-L-O-S-U-R-E...pathetically imply'n of course that i wanted him more than he wanted me...all while declare'n that tired "it's not you it's me" dribble to soften the blow...oh and then he decided to top it off bi-say'n he was hitch'n up his giddy up to maxi padder #2!
ummm yea...kum-bye-ya my not so lil prairie dog with more issues than a yearly Vanity Affair subscription!
well there ya have it kittens...ain'tcha glad i came back? oh puhleez...
it's been like 3 years of blue-ball build-up H-E-double hockey stix fer me...who can stand all that damn pressure i ask you? i'm ready to explode...so stay tuned fer pt. 2 of BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMONS (in my head!)
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
oh and ps...btw...i'm still thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...howeva...my newly acquired covid crown'n hence forth...i will be known simply as THE MATTRESS HATTER! (Krystal Kleer is hang'n up her heels fer the time bein' since i have no insurance or a huv-a-round at my disposal in case i teeter when i should'a tottered) perhaps you may even find me at some local non-union stand-up club test'n out my many muse'n live sometime in the not so distant future...perhaps!
oh yea...pps...GET OFF MY DRESS is goin bi (weekly that is) i have too many bee's in my unmade bonnet to truly dedicate a weekly read'n at my tender twilight stage!
