blogsphere that tune in week after week fer all of my hard hitt'n latest break'n snoozer stories that make you sit back and realize just how mundane & metamucily yer own actual real life really is in comparison...i know not to take any of you fer granted...and i also know not to fuck with you of course...i'm like a drug you can't...i mean YOU WON'T...stop take'n!
unlike the feline freaks in this disastrous holidazzle eyesore
so there i was the day before new years eve try'na figer out what would go
best with my ball gown...basil chicken and the meow mix of veggies i had left in my frigid air from the previous year...before decide'n to settle down to the latest Netflix craze instead of become'n some sorta past my expiration date cougar statistic on the prowl fer a midnite kiss from some unconscious canker sored cantankerous kitten at the bar...unfortunately...i got more than what i had bargained for with my choice...it was like a drug i couldn't stop take'n til it was all gone...and i would be up til the wee hours of the morn'n binge'n all 3 hr long episodes...
and trust me...save this one fer a marathon nite cuz you will be hooked
once the marathon was over...and i laid in bed with my tony the tiger pj's
on...wrapped in my unfluffable comforter...my mug completely molested in St Ives mint julep mud mask...it got me to think'n about all the past run in's where this mini marathon
could'a easily been written with me as the movie of the week!
picture it kittens...it was the spring of 1991..and i was on my lunch break
at the Children's Theater in the Minne-Apple and i had discovered an ad at the back of the local fag rag i was flipp'n thru at the time...about meet'n local singles in the area...well...me bein' just'a spring chicken plucked from the bowels of a small minnesota town to fend fer myself in the big cold hard city...i was like a lotus flower ready to bloom so i called the line and a week later we would meet at a local non heterosexual intoxicate'n establishment in the downtown Minne-Apple area
this was before i was with car...so i basically hadda check on flight schedules from St Paul to Minneapolis to meet this guy...cuz i was tired of the 3 bus transfers i hadda take to work on a daily basis that always was a fuck over moment when the weather was bad or cuz some road rage'n asswart hadda get to Costco Crazy Daze Deals before the sale ended on anchovies and briskets by cutt'n off someone in front of my bus
by the time i had reached our desired destination...i reluctantly fergot my ID back home and i was not about to rebook a flight back just to get it...but unfortunately the gammorean guard at the front door copt an attitude with me (the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe of course) and couldn't be bothered in the slightest by my desperate pleas to just let me pass on by...
even after batt'n my daddy long leg lashes
so i waited patiently across the street at some primitive speak'n station fer roughly 10 minutes to see if said phone trade would come out and recognize me
minutes later...what looked like the description of the gentleman caller
that i had secretly lusted after in my mind from bus to bus as i made my way to downtown Minneapolis (hey...you gotta step inside my mind fer just a minute to understand where i was goin with this) anyways...he would cross the street and we exchanged typical bullshit banter fer about 5 minutes...and though he fit the description he mentioned on line fer the most part...i could feel some sorta hesitation in me...only cuz this would be the 1st time i would become deflowered...perhaps!
he asked me if i wanted to go to his place in uptown...and me bein'
unfamiliar with the Minneapolis area and it's surround'ns at this point in time...i asked him where uptown was and he explained it was only about 5 miles away (keep in mind kittens...it's 10:30pm on a warm spring weekend...with winds outta the west at 10 to 15 miles per hr) so i asked where his car was and his response was that he didn't have one but it was such a nice nite out that he suggested we just walk instead of cabb'n it back to his bungalow
now here me out...i don't mind a dance in the dark...a drink in the dark
hell...i don't even mind a dick (or 2) in the dark...but there ain't no way in H-E-double hockey stix that i am walk'n 5 miles thru the dimly lit streets of some city i knew nothing about at the time...though i remember he said we could take a short cut thru some Loring Park and it wouldn't be as long...i still resisted and said i was gonna hop on the bus back to St Paul...and i...fortunately as you will learn...would never hear from my date ever again
forward to a year later and i was now live'n in the uptown area with my
very 1st roomie at the time Doug (who i longer dig...just FYI) we were as inseparable as as moth to a flamer (in a non sexual way) bs'n one lazy afternoon when he came home from a difficult day at the park (hey..i don't judge people's professions...i just report 'em) he happened to have the latest fag rag in his hand that he tossed on our coffee table...which...hello...we were almost 22...our coffee table consisted of a large microwave box covered in a printed pillow case...
like most under privileged rectally retarded roomies had done with limited income at the time...cuz we were more concerned about the 3D's...dance'n...drink'n and dick'n our days away
i happened to notice the guy on the cover as the 1st date i ever had when
i came across him on the phone line on one non productive day at work scrubb'n out the urinals just try'na pass time a year earlier...i thought to myself as i picked up the rag...damn...he's in the paper on the front page...and i was too damn lazy to walk with him to his dwell'ns that one windy spring nite
turns out that it was a good thing that i had listened to the flutterbies in my
gut that even'n fer a change...cuz 2 months after our dismal date...it turns out my date had gunned down 21 year old Joel Larson in Loring Park in the back...and then a month later...he went after former state senator 48 year old John Chenoweth with his 19 year old trick of the nite Cord Drazst...at bare ass beach along the Mississip river...luckily fer Drazst though he was able to bar hop with his buddies after that horrible incident...that i would run into on occasion while bar hopp'n...that is....until he was 32...(leave it to my dearest friend Peetrinella and Jon to indoctrinate me to bare ass beach in the midnite hour just a year earlier) apparently my "date" aspired to be the latest serial killer at that moment in time...gotta have goals i guess!
don't even get me started about the 3 days after i'd moved to Milwaukee..
and the Dahmer trials where all over the front pages...(not that i hadda worry if he wasn't caught yet...well...cuz he only liked dark meat apparently...makes sense i suppose)
or how i used to check in Andrew Cunanan at the gym i was work'n at downtown once i had moved back to Minneapolis before he went on his shoot'n spree...
or my other date i had met in my early middle 20's late one nite or early one morn'n (depend'n on how you wanna look at it) who's left prosthetic arm fell off onto my floor when i let him inside my apt...just a minor detail he fergot to mention to me when chatt'n on line...
now i have zero issues with the handicap so don't get all PC on my supple snow white A-double snakes...but i told Dr Hook it would be best if he could kindly pick up his appendage and look fer another peter'd pansy to poke at
then there was that one time pre-wanna-be-serial-killer-date...in the summer of 1990...when i was wait'n fer my cuz's hubs to pick me up from St Paul on the corner 3 blocks from where i currently reside...when this juiced up shirtless hot tamale pulled a gigantor hunt'n knife on me late one nite and told me to "get off his block" and that is a direct quote (cuz apparently...2 nites later someone did not take his demands seriously)
OMG...i almost fergot about the body spread eagle outside the same apt a year later that i tripped over as i was come'n home late one nite from perform'n...on stage pervies...but i'll add that to another pillow bite'n episode in the near future (cuz it's probably gonna be a 2 parter)...you won't believe how that one turned out!
statistics say that i should have only about 3 more lives left...so until then
GET OFF MY DRESS!
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