UP...UP...AND AWAAAAAY

every hormonally charged GEN X sci-fi campy queen wanted their heels

pinned over their head in decem of 1980 when hot to trot quarterback of the NY Jets FLASH GORDON appeared on the silver screen try'n to beat the live'n shit outta MING's army of snappily dressed hairdressers in a rough role play'n game of "try'n grab my balls Mary"

cuz he [Flash that is] and AA dropout DALE ARDEN were forced far beyond the earth's atmosphere into the outer reaches of the universe...

by psychotically insane twatless anti-vaxxer Dr ZARKOV

who were on an incompetent mission to escape the clutches of MING the MERCILESS and save the planet earth from total devastate'n destruction 

just so they could tell their harrow'n adventures on "PHIL DONAHUE SHOW"

though personally...i always saw myself as the saucy PRINCESS AURA 

 gallivant'n around in that skimpy tin foiled barely there bondage wear hardly enough to keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle with a collection of colorful marabou boa's at her side..parade'n around her chained pet gimp fer everyone's amusement

unfortunately...MING's been have'n fun with the planet earth's destruction consider'n we were left hang'n with his alleged demise at the end of the flick!

ever since that infamous Mtv moon land'n on august 1st 1981...there has

been hundreds of billions of benjamins wasted on explore'n the vast gases of outer space fer no other reason than to oooh and ahhh the masses sitt'n on their asses to watch the latest videos from 

"THE BUGGLES" to 

"THE BANGLES" and everyone in between 

so why should the recent exploration of billionaires burn'n thru their hard earned coins to show who's got the bigger balls be any different?

lets begin with british mega billionaire RICHARD BRANSON who got his

claim to fame by open'n VIRGIN RECORDS shops in 1972 followed by his airline and so on...

and struck musical oil owe'n some of his success to one BOY GEORGE who catapulted Sir Richard's career when he signed CULTURE CLUB on as clients in 1982

(let yer fingers do the walk'n and google the rest on yer own)

next up insert billionaire to all things you desperately just can't live without 

from scary remote controlled dinosaurs to dinosaur dildo's..JEFF BEZOS earned his beyond comfortable status in life thanx to you...the lazy couch surf n turf'n consumer who couldn't be bothered to drive their tired and often dilapidated A double snakes to mega middle class shopp'n staples of america... 

fer the latest and greatest "must have" of the season fer some reason eventually putt'n 'em on the retail chop'n block

so utterly bored with the planet earth and their butt load of benjamins...

both BRANSON and BEZOS decided to show off who's got the biggest balls and built their own super sonic rocket ship to blast off to the planet MONGO...presumably...to search fer MING's ring and though alotta the lil middle class canker sores gave both self earned billionaires alotta bullshit fer waste'n bookoo bucks on their space exploration..IT WAS THEIR MONEY TO SPEND AS THEY SEE FIT THAT YOU THE CONSUMER GAVE THEM...so sit down and STFU!

BUTT...let's be real

if you think fer a minute that either billionaire is try'n to escape the planet's

impend'n doom and destruction...to pulverize you into a puddle of DNA while they live a life of ludicrous luxury in MING's castle...lemme put yer frivolous fears at ease kittens!

fer either of these 2 or ANYONE fer that matter to exist solely in space

it takes roughly a crew of a few thousand astro projectional geeks on the planet earth to constantly problem solve daily on how to keep those who choose to venture into the planet FRIDGIA and hang with Princess AURA alive... 

plus they're totally micro managed from sunrise to sunset with their daily life consist'n basically of bounce'n around like helium balloons and forced to participate in a strict exercise routine confined to a small space to keep their bones from turn'n into gristle with only ritualistic birdy baths every few months if they're lucky...

and their beddy bye time is akin to sleep'n in a float'n coffin and don't even get me started on their sacrificial meatloaf to the float'n porcelain god

the longest any human that has actually lived in outer space was astronut

SCOTT KELLY who went on 4 space missions and once spent a complete year of his life float'n around like PRINCE VULTAN on a wasted mission basically sett'n up high speed internet fer the rural pervies so they wouldn't have to deal with dial up ever again (allegedly!) 

and decided after a year to pack up his space suit and clean out his locker at NASA so he could enjoy his metamucil martini's...Murder She Wrote marathons and flip thru his AARP catalog in peace!

neither BRANSON or BEZOS are doin A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G to advance that

leisurely JETSONS life style in space that we’ve all dreamt of since the 1960's...this was nothin' more than a dick-swing'n contest that YOU the consumers paid for in full fer the past 30...they will fortunately perish along with the rest of the pitiful pensioners on the planet EARTH...completely without take'n a single penny with them and completely alone!

so in conclusion...you got no one to point fingers at and bitch about all this

 wasted billions except yer damn self...KAPEESH! if you don't want billionaires blow'n their billions YOU gave them single-handedly on some ego ridden space race piss'n contest...

get yer lazy dilapidated A double snakes off the damn davenport and BUY LOCAL!

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

KISS MY SCRIPTS!

if you were me...and luckily fer me...yer not (THANK CHER!)

we all remember the many trials...tribulations and tawdry nites that one sassy brassy bee-hived beauty and 5 time VFW jitterbug champion Miss Florence Jean Castleberry (who was my all time fav i just hafta say) had endured as a glamorous food delivery technician...along with her cohorts

Alice...Vera...Belle and Jolene...while work'n at that greasy spoon Mel's Diner in Phoenix, Arizona...from the mid 70's to the mid 80's on the hit tv series "Alice"

which was based on the Scorsese dramedy flick from 1974 (that no one under the age of 50 even remembers...sorry Martin) based on a widowed woman and her preteen pimple parade trudge'n across country to restart her dimly lit spotlight career that she gave up years earlier and ended up sling'n hash browns and ho downs

then of course there was thee all time classic cosmic cult film...

"THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW" (that was born from the stage production) in the mid 70's that has held it's title as thee most brilliantly cast...science fiction...double feature...EVER made in the history of cult musicals

that is until 40 some years later...when it got mercilessly slaughter like Jeffery Dahmers dates...by a bunch of PC pricks that turned out this atrociously nauseate'n piece of eye sore'n patheticness fer the modern tv viewer and don't even get me started on the blood curdle'n...chalk board scratch'n...kill'n the neighbors cat "music" seriously...i just can't with this pile of cat vomit!

if you were a gen X'er outcast...(like me) you were root'n fer Veronica & JD

an outsider and an honor student...to make their fascination last ferever...(or at least until the end of the trilogy...that thankfully never happened) everyone was strung out with line after line from the movie...much like a hooker is to heroin...dare'n to ask the question "fuck me gently with a chainsaw...do i look like mother theresa?" to "did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? from the cult classroom classic "HEATHERS" (which also had a decent stage production run fer 4 some years)

the new generation of whatever letter they were at the time...got the equivalent of spam on rye with "MEAN GIRLS"...which was a d-e-c-e-n-t tribute to it's predecessor i can admit (which of course hadda be milked to death...so it to followed suit to the stage...that premiered last year) FINE!...i can let this one slide since the title wasn't reused...like Pam Anderson's STD's (oh come on...don't even try to come at me with yer claws kittens...i read ALL about it in the STAR!)

then there was that time i was make'n my sacrificial meatloaf offer'n to the 

 porcelain god when i came across a trailer fer the beyond vomitous remake of my teen age angst years bein' basturdized into a tv spin-off by just change'n the actors...and PC'n them up...i totally wouldn'ta had have a prob with this concept if they'da just CHANGED THE FUCK'N TITLE and the characters names and pretty much all the ripped off dialogue from the original!

most gen X'ers would agree a more befitt'n title would'a been call'n it "WTF?" instead or how about "OPEN YER MOUTH & LET US TAKE A STEAMY PILE OF ELEPHANT POO DOWN YER THROAT!"

here me out...YES i was glad at the very least to hear HEATHER DUKE was part of this failed concept from the start after all that BS she went thru gett'n booted from that famous zip code years ago then goin thru issues with her dirty pillows and all that the past few couple of year which i predicted 3 years ago would never last past the 1st season and i was thankfully right

now i whole hardheartedly absolutely adored the blood curdlin' remake 

and prequel of the texas chainsaw massacre's by heavy metal heart throbber ROB ZOMBIE and pretty much everything he's ever done...well except...

hey i totally understand...the mortgage was due plus his wifey looked like she was on dramamine after they let a cosmetology drop-out do her hair and make-up fer his tutorial example

BUTT can you believe it...

after putt'n on my Angela Lansbury cap and doin a lil investigate’n...i found out he now plans to redo one of  thee most beloved classic spookilicious slap-stick iconic television series of all time...the original family of fright...

"THE MUNSTERS" into a movie!

cuz what? sadomasochism makes fer great tv?

i DO NOT care that he's plann'n on make'n it into a movie this time around

I DON'T...cuz seriously...ROB BABY...leave it the fiddlers fuck A-L-O-N-E! i’m only think’n of you and how yer gonna completely decimate yer stand'n as the most revered psychologically fucked-in-the-head father of fantastical fright fer this generation...HERMAN LILY GRAMPA EDDIE and both MARILYN's ARE ICONS ironically and CANNOT BE REPLACED (this is not up fer discussion) i even had the pleasure to met GRAMPA EDDIE and the 2nd MARILYN 20 years ago on a halloween hayride in Anoka, MN and all 3 still held onto their characters whimsical charm so hear my desperate plea PLEEEEEEZ and put down yer pen on this project pronto!

ain’t it bad enough that u already ruined my fav-o-rit holiday with these cringe worthy retell’ns?

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!

didn't they learn anything when the CW tried to desperately milk from...

the gigantic tit machine of NEW YORK...with that colostomy bag prequel after they jumped from the smash tv series to the big screen back to small screen

that ended in a catastrophic cancellation by season 2...first off...CARRIE would'a never had the bank account to wear anything off the runways of fashion week in New York during the 80's cuz she was too busy work'n at Benetton durin' the week after school just fer the discount on all the latest swatch watches and was also a part time cashier at the Orange Julius on the weekends...she would'a been an awkward teen walk'n down the aisles of Woolworths fer the latest Star Hits and Teen Beat magazines...worry'n about bad calories bad skin and bad boy crushes...

and she did that ALREADY...IN THE 80's!

can these lazy ass hollyweird "writers" (and i use that term as loose as i used my x's prolapsed A double snakes years ago) not think of A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G original anymore? i mean really "sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens" (and that IS NOT a direct quote...but don't quote me on that)

i only got ONE thing to say to all these catastrophic cankersourus retell’ns

now GET OFF MY DRESS!