we've all unfortunately at one point or another in life have encountered
those annoy'n self centered...self medicated...self deprecate'n...chain smoke'n...coupon clipp'n...name dropp'n...petty Peggy's..whether it be at the water cooler conversations or morn'n donut troughs at work...the grocery store...the beauty parlor or at yer local mom and pop video rental shop in the back room behind those oh so "discrete" saloon doors
well there i was settle'n down fer the even'n after a difficult day at the park
try'na sell ticket's to my neighbors nervous breakdown...just try'na unwind with a chilled glass of regret and some nibbly's and decided to go with an uplift'n heart warm'n family movie this particular even'n to help perk up my multiple personalities so i figered i'd go with Mrs. dearly departed Fawcett since she has never let me down before
as the movie was about to hit the crescendo moment...i had suddenly
heard a faint muffled chime from my cell call'n out from somewhere deep beneath the cushions of my couch which always ends up turn'n into some damn twisted Indiana adventure anytime anything gets swallowed up in the belly of my current sleep'n quarters and i have to hunt fer my staff and wait fer a beam of moonlight to pin point it's exact location
BUTT anyways...
3 breakdowns 2 prozacs and a nam myoho renge kyo later i had finally
located said cell phone in the pit of my davenport and apparently the chime was just a lame alert inform'n me of an unimportant urgent message from some unknown recipient on some tiresome chat forum that i use as a sleep'n device from time to time and fergot to log out durin' my movie so i clicked on urgent message from my late nite baller try'na call me over force'n me to regurgitate my standard diplomatic response
(i'm the asparagus colored urine bubble)
my narcolepsy had been kick'n into overdrive since the pandemic ergo my sleepless nites have been a roller coaster of epic proportions so i had zero interest in any late nite rendezvous with this rectally ravenous raccoon...however...clear as i thought i was bein' with his request...it seems he didn't understand plain go fuck yerself english cuz 6 minutes later...
he desperately tried to impress me by convince'n me to blast his death hole apart with my millennium falcon!
ARE YOU FUCK'N KIDD'N ME?
this anally charged Annie "used to be" married to a somewhat famous bank account and he wants lil ol covid cash collect'n unemployed me to explore his cavernous cave?
well i guess i'm gonna paint my front door red and change my name to Elizabeth Arden!
of course after the metamucil had done it's damage and i had give'n the sacrificial offer'n to the porcelain god i removed my A double snakes from my $30 rebated throne and decided to give the only response that i deemed appropriate fer this colossal catastrophic chatty Kathy...
and in case ANY of you out there doubt the validity of my name dropp'n history...i of course have receipts!
HERE'S THE DAMN PROOF! however...i had a lil more gloat’n to vomit...
at this point my unconsciousness was tell'n me to quit while i'm ahead!
and that my curious kittens...concludes this cankersaurus concussion...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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