A DIRTY DEED INDEED! pt 1

picture it kittens...it's 1982 and a saucied aussie OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN 

was make'n our heart rate beat faster than a priest's on a playground...force'n us to shake our money makers (with a bit of a sexual undertone) as she was race'n up the charts with her soak'n in swamp ass smash ditty "PHYSICAL"

DOLLY PARTON was the sizzle'n up the screens as the sexually charged

 madame and proprietor MONA STANGLEY from "THE BEST LITTLE WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS"

and i had just witnessed my very 1st porno at the tender and very supple 

age of 12 with a couple of my sibs at my cuz's bungalow he shared with his 3 buddies on the other side of the chain linked fence we shared from our back yard and though i was perplexed by all the blatant bull balls bang'n the beaver's dam...well...to say i was absolutely G-O-B-S-M-A-C-K-E-D is an understatement!! no...not cuz they were doin the "dirty birdy" (OH NO!) i knew right then that i wanted to do this as a profession once i was of legal age...

well except in my premiere it would be minus all those dirty pillows...

and that psychotic soul suck'n sarlacc pit hide'n behind their gloria vanderbilt pedal pushers of course!

my under developed though overly stimulated mind was wonder'n why in

the H-E-double hockey stix was that XY chromozoned hottie with the carpeted chest and "exposed wood" would have ANY possible interest in nibble'n on that rack of those pendulously uttered XX chromozone or claw'n at their kitty litter box...it all seemed sooo cumpletely unnatural and manipulated (much like most religions) to me even at that early of an age! 

BUTT (eventually)

i would later come to accept those who had decided to continue down that

path of unconscionable conduct of corrupt cunnilingus (while i yearned fer a life of casual catastrophic cockilingus) and by the time i was 22 (in '92) i was out one casual bleak winter week nite at the local homoless water'n hole where i was hope'n to find a place to crash fer the nite since i hadda transport my plump pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe A double snakes up from Winona...

with a handful of GRIZZLY ADAMS look'n girocks on the greyhound fer an interview in the morn'n to become a drug bunny fer the government with no spare change to my name

through no fault of my own...i would only have to bat my irish eyes once 

and within milliseconds i would soon be greeted by a chilled bottle of heineken from the bartender simply known as DOC (that everyone absolutely adored) gifted to me by a secret admirer (who apparently wanted to remain anonymous when i inquired) 

minutes later as i casually scanned the room to try and figer out just who

my cautious casanova was...i would be approached by 2 meat n potato meals on wheels almost double my age (hey...no finger point'n...i'm an equal opportunity on-licker...i mean looker) one had enough beef to break me in half...

while the other one would'a required me to send out a search and rescue mission to find the beef!

as close'n time came a come'n...i was gett'n closer to come'n to their

decision hopefully as to where i'd be plugg'n in my hot curlers before i came that nite so once the house lights came up...most of the STD's had scattered like cockroaches on karaoke nite and i was offered a "ride" to who knows where 

without give'n it a second thought...i had jumped into the back of some 

random mystery machine in the alley across the street and soon realized at that very moment that i was practically invite'n myself to be on the next episode of my very own special episode of "UNSOLVED MYSTERIES" (i know...HUSH! i was desperate fer a place to crash that nite)

luckily fer me...i would soon be at their residence in uptown still all in tact

in fact i was ever so thankful that i was not asked to lather myself up in some non hypoallergenic lotion like that Catherine Martin chick had to cuz really all i wanted to do at that point of the nite was to crash on a warm couch...

as Mr. Snow Miser was tap dance'n on my nose and toes after bein' a bit tuned up and i was so ready to be tuned out...instead i was told to wait out in the icebox on wheels while they apparently "discussed' the sleep'n arrangements inside...

and i'm purdy sure by now yer ask'n yerself at this juncture in this story...WHY IN THE FIDDLERS FUCK DIDN'T YOU JUST GET OUTTA THE DAMN VAN?

minutes later JABBA would emerge inform'n me that "Arnold" was not 

interested in host'n anyone fer the nite (hmmm...could'a fooled me since he bought all of the beers fer me) in either case...i didn't care at this point since it was now 2 am and i had been awake fer 24 hrs and though i know he thought i was gonna be his cuddle bunny fer the nite...i was ready to sleep in the snowbank than go back to his dungeon of impend'n doom nonetheless i gave into my own fate and reluctantly we reached his apt a few blocks away

well that's all fer this week kittens...tune in next week fer the excrutiate'n

 conclusion to A DIRTY DEED INDEED! 

now GET OFF MY DRESS!

40 YEAR OLD CAKE

picture it kittens...the year was 1983 and the colorful witty and widowed

mother who so boisterously exclaimed to the nurses "GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT" (which i  refuse to ever watch with anyone since i turn into a complete pathetic puddle each and every time i watch that scene without fail) in the sublime dramedy "TERMS OF ENDEARMENT" starr'n SHIRLEY MACCLAINE...DEBRA WINGER and JACK NICHOLSON (which incidentally won SHIRLEY a well deserved award fer best actress the follow'n year at the oscar's if anyone's wonder'n)

a razor tongued blue haired bingo wing'n matriarch of the dysfunctional

family from Raytown (played by "CAROL BURNETT SHOW" alumni VICKI LAWRENCE) snappy poly blender in pearls THELMA HARPER ran the roost fer 6 seasons...deal'n with the daily dilemma's of her extended family who never seemed to fly the coop on the hit series "MAMA'S FAMILY"

and my teenrager adventures suddenly became heavily sedated by my 

very own casio cassette player (thanx to the Cudahy's that used to live down the road from our farm) til the very wee hours of the morn'n try'n to pre-Napster the perfect mixed tape without all that damn annoy'n auctioneer ramblin' from the dj...when i needed to turn off my family's incessant WWE matches and tune myself onto the birth of the best songs that had shaped my pre unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe life...

BUTT...

i can't believe that some of my all time fav-o-rit musical memories that defined my teenrager years are now turn'n fuck'n 40 this year and have still stood the test of time when many of their contemporaries unfortunately have not (so with that said) let's move onto my all time top 10 fav hits from 1983 that defined my generational letter (in no particular order cuz i love them all)

#10 is the rock band from San Franny that originally formed in 1973 with

STEVE PERRY as their lead vocalist (and my bi-leveled babe) however i was unaware of JOURNEY and their popularity until their video dropped fer "SEPARATE WAYS" off their 8th studio album "FRONTIERS" and i personally wanted every member in my own "separate way" (if ya catch my drift kittens) well except the follically challenged  broomstick (i just felt he was phone'n it in durin' his whole appearance in the video and couldn't commit!)

though STEVE hung up his painted on jeans with the band in 1998...JOURNEY's wheels are still turn'n and tour'n with their replacement vocalist ARNEL PINEDA since 2007 and from what i've heard doin a fine job a that

#9 all the way from the city of Hagen in West Germany comes the high 

school drop-out GABRIELLE SUSANNE KERNER best known to the world as NENA with her riesenerfolg hit (that's "huge success" to you slow pokers) "99 LUFTBALLONS" from her self titled debut album with an english version "99 REDBALLONS" to satisfy all those skol chew'n corn whack'n tractor chauffeurs with their walkman headphones on the highest volume sett'n...pierce'n their ear drums all over Ottumwa, Iowa on those hot and sweaty summers in the field as they sang off key much to the chagrin of the farm animals (even though it's lyrics got lost in translation) with 6 albums front'n her band and 13 albums as a solo artist since 1989...NENA still enjoys the stage from time to time...however...you'll have to hop aboard a Pan Am express to enjoy her pipes in Hamburg, Germany these days

#8 originally the flutist in 1976 fer the band DRAGON'S PLAYGROUND

eventually ANNIE LENNOX would join forces with DAVE STEWART and become'n the lead singer fer the band THE TOURISTS from 1977 til 1980...though ANNIE would not become a household name until become'n the most celebrated female gender bender of the 1980's with her neon orange buzz cut in their newly formed band EURYTHMICS with their synthesized smash "SWEET DREAMS (ARE MADE OF THIS)" the 4th and final single off their 2 album of the same name make'n a merried of melodramatic melodies thru-out the 1980's until ANNIE decided to break out on her own by 1990 until they regrouped once again before the new millennium fer a lil bit-o "PEACE" in 1999 though the band was inducted into the Rock & Roll hall of fame in 2022...ANNIE has decided to finish'n tour'n (though she does pop up on stage every now and then to this day) focus'n more on her political activism and many charitable humanitarian contributions with women's rights and AIDS...DAVE has decided to keep his legacy goin by finish'n up a 40th ANNIVERSARY SWEET DREAMS TOUR thru-out europe with 3 replacement singers...til he begins his US leg with BRYAN ADAMS in 2024...buy yer tickets here...WHY NOT?

#7 born PATRICIA MAE ANDRZEJEWSKI from the BIG APPLE in 1953

trained as a classical singer with a 4.5 octave range...PATRICIA began rock'n and roll'n on stage in 1979 under her spandexed persona PAT BENETAR broad'n her popularity by 1983 with a whole new set of fans from Fresno to Finland with her call to arms #1 smash "LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD" off her 5th studio album "LIVE FROM EARTH" release'n 7 more until 2003 with "GO" you can still catch PAT and her long time guitarist hubby NEIL GIRALDO work'n the casino circuits around the country to this day (i've had the pleasure 4 times to date and trust me...she NEVER disappoints) the rock'n pair even released some of their greatest hits fer a retell'n of the Romeo and Juliet musical fer the 21st century "INVINCIBLE" fer a limited run at the end of 2022 (here's hope'n it'll tour sometime soon)

#6 the next band 1st formed in 1978 across the pond in Birmingham

England and would go thru a few changes before finally settle'n on lead singer SIMON LE BON in 1980...by 1983 british new wave bad boys SIMON...JOHN...NICK...ANDY and ROGER of DURAN DURAN would take the planet by storm with their hit single "IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW" that shot to #1 right outta the gate in the UK off their 3rd album "SEVEN AND THE RAGGED TIGER" the band had gone thru many incarnations fer the past 40 years with side projects...16 studio releases ("DANSE MACABRE" bein' their latest and darkest to date) and 12 different members thru-out their formation nonetheless the 4 most memorable members SIMON...JOHN...NICK and ROGER are back together and tour'n like nobody's biz and if you get the chance to see em live...TAKE IT!

#5 born WILLIAM MICHAEL ALBERT BROAD in Middlesex England

WILLIAM started out as the lead singer of the punk band GENERATION X from 1976 to 1981 til he decided to go out on his own as the spike haired peroxided pop punker with the snarly Elvis quiver and my high school hard-on (hush...this is my blog...deal with it!) BILLY IDOL declared more...m-o-r-e...M-O-R-E from all of us with his come hither hit "REBEL YELL" off his 2nd album of the same name...release'n 6 more albums and tour'n ever since...include'n bein' the 1st ever artist to perform a live intimate concert fer a selective audience of botoxed bimbo's and garish groupie's at the Hover Dam that was turned into a motion picture performance back in april tis year (check yer local list'ns fer showtimes)

#4 appropriately placed since she was the 4th of 12 siblings in a crowded 

1 bedroom cabin along the banks of Little Pigeon River in Tennessee where this lil lassie began her musical career before most girls hadda deal with "flo come'n to town" at the tender age of 10...with a wig collection to rival any drag queen's collection DOLLY PARTON is the patron saint of country music with a career spann'n 6 decades...DOLLY crossed over to country pop in '83 duet'n with teddy bear daddy KENNY ROGERS on their lovely collaboration "ISLANDS IN THE STREAM" released on DOLLY's "GREATEST HITS" album and DOLLY hasn't stopped since...

with over 200 compilation albums...48 studio albums...starr'n in 12 motion 

pictures (with over 400 tv appearances) and 1 theme park named after her (plus beyond numerous philanthropic endeavors as well) under her sequined belt...include'n team'n up with Duncan Hines...DOLLY was pleasantly shocked as shit when she was inducted into the ROCK and ROLL hall of fame back in 2022 without have'n a single "rock" album released until this year...aptly titled "ROCKSTAR" collaborate'n with a plethora of artists...also release'n the 1st ever listen'n event with footage and interviews in theaters...cuz WHY NOT!

#3 began her musical journey in 1978 when she met saxophonist JOHN

TURI in Brooklyn and became the lead singer of the band BLUE ANGEL record'n a powerfully poppy new wave demo that would finally get released in 1980 when they signed onto Polydor records though the band would soon disband after only one album and the world would become mesmerized by the betty-boo songbird CYNDI LAUPER after the release of her debut solo album "SHE'S SO UNUSUAL" and the global impact of her open'n single "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN" 

release'n 10 more albums...starr'n in 12 movies...a plethora of tv appearances and PRIDE events around the globe...include'n winn'n best musical album fer penn'n the songs to "KINKY BOOTS" and recently release'n Cyndi's doc "LET THE CANARY SING" at the tribeca film festival that is tour'n theaters around the country currently

#2 as the drummer...guitarist and singer in bands "BREAKFAST CLUB"

in 1979 and "EMMY AND THE EMMY'S" in 1980...it wasn't til 1983 when a young whipper snapper from Bay City, Michigan scored her first billboard #1 chart topper with "HOLIDAY" off her debut self titled album "MADONNA" which began pave'n her 40 year career as the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR...

MADONNA LOUISE VERONICA CICCONE is thee most truly fashionably forward famous goddess and female I-C-O-N-I-C musical performer of all time...recognized by the Guinness books fer sell'n over 400 million albums...78 music videos...starr'n in 27 flicks...11 concert tour dvd's...7 children's books...6 kids...2 documentaries and 1 non profit RAISING MALAWI to help an impoverished nation in Africa among many many M-A-N-Y other philanthropic endeavors since her rise to the top...

M is currently sell'n out her 40 year spann'n career with the "THE CELEBRATION TOUR" across the globe...if you haven't yet...get yer tix here before it's too late cuz you'll kick yerself in the cooter if you don't go to see this tour de force live...trust me!

#1 of course no one embodied the look...the sound and the complete 

charismatic charm of 1983 more than lead sing'n gender bender (and my save'n grace to this day) the legendary BOY GEORGE and CULTURE CLUB with their only #1 global domination of the infectious pop diddy "KARMA CHAMELEON" off their 2nd brilliant album "COLOUR BY NUMBERS" sell'n more than 7 million copies that bought the band many fancy cars and homes cement'n their place in 80's nostalgic history...

release'n 6 full studio albums all together before restructure'n themselves nonetheless still continue'n to travel around the world perform'n to millions of fans both young and old...maxi pads and muscle mary's...trannies and grannies...

though there is no doubt that BOY GEORGE was and still is the focal point of the band's success who has also had a stellar solo career of his very own in between the break-up's and shake-up's like dj'n in every corner of the globe...release'n 9 studio albums of his own...penn'n the lyrics and starr'n in the brilliant musical "TABOO" (that i was lucky enough to see in both London and the Big Apple) create'n his own fashion line B-RUDE...curate'n his own ICH BIN KUNST on canvas...

appear'n on numerous reality series from "THE VOICE" to "I'M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE" and anyone that would give him a proper celebrity ransom to have him appear...

release'n 3 autobiographies "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN" in 1995 "STRAIGHT" in 2005 and BOY's latest out now simply titled "KARMA" that should most definitely be on everyone's xmas list this year!

BOY will soon be portray'n the very scrupulously evil CAPTAIN HOOK in

the newest adaptation of "PETER PAN" this decem fer a limited engagement across the pond in Birmingham, UK (get yer tix here)...

before return'n to the Big Apple once again back on broadway where he belongs in 2024 starr'n as the zany enthusiastic club owner HAROLD ZOLDER in "MOULIN ROUGE" with no signs of stopp'n anytime soon!

and there ya have it kittens...the songs that shaped my soul and defined

a generation of X's...enjoy this mix of 40 other notably honorable mentions that are turn'n 40 and GET OFF MY DRESS!

TIME TO MAKE TO DOE...NUTS!

we've all had those utter mundane jobs at some point in our life...up to 

and include'n those that begin with blow...that you know goin into it is gonna work yer last nerve...nonetheless...outta sheer laziness...yer always hope'n fer the best in the end

even though...9 times outta 10...you know yer just gonna end up punch'n into Charlie's chocolate factory (call it intuition if you must)

i believe it was one Mr. Johnny Paycheck who sang the anthem fer all

those 9 to 5'ers out there that wished they were doin somethin' else with their professional life financially (like whale gutt'n in the arctic perhaps) with his 1977 hit 

"TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT"

live'n the luxurious lifestyle of an unintentionally internationally unknown

perform'n illusionist of yer own universe...ain't all what it's cracked up to be...it is...as one might say (that one bein' ME of course) albeit an extremely far far F-A-R stretch...though very akin in the same manner to the immortal words once muttered by everyone's fav-o-rit country chanteuse herself...

Mrs. Parton...many moons ago..."it's costs a lot of money...to look this cheap!" however...though i'm back on the hunt fer another position to fulfill my destiny and my piggy bank...

i DO NOT plan on suffer'n the same fate that i have in the past with past positions (whether it's behind a desk or behind a behind) so lemme go back in time

when i started this bumble'n blog of whimsical words of witty non sense

over 13 years ago...i was work'n in the fraud department of some downtown financial industry that would simply become to be known as Twin City Fuckers to me! (which has since been bought out by another financial institution)

some could contemplate as to why i would suffer such indignity fer 10

long and arduous years that i suffered at the hands of said company...cuz to be quiet honest...a monkey really could've done my job if it was trained properly...i guess the only real answer i could come up with was that i had unfortunately give'n myself one too many home lobotomy perms in the 90's...though i would attribute it mostly to the fact that i enjoyed the comradery i had with MOST of my co-workers...i said MOST!

BUTT...lemme back it up to the beginn'n

i was eventually picked outta the rejected cattle call of applicants and would become the newest fraud analyst to join the team and fer the most 

part...i caught on pretty quickly to the position...my 1st boss (name withheld due to the fact that she's not worth mention'n) well...except to mention the H-E-double hockey stix she would desperately try to put me thru over the years to get me to quit or she would desperately try to write me up so she could eventually fire me...nevertheless i was always one step ahead of that crusty and callus colostomy bag

i've learned over the years that you don't have to like everyone you work 

with...include'n yer boss...you learn to just suck it up when yer not yer own boss...co-exist with yer co-workers and get the work done if you want to eat 3 square meals a day...have a roof over yer head (in order to get head someplace outside of the back of their bronco) and buy some pretty things

after many months of learn'n all the nooks and crannies of my position...

i had FINALLY became a contestant as one of the company's popular ass kissers...referred to as employee of the month and was beyond excited since my average haul was roughly between $25g's to $50g's in fraud coins i got back fer the company...i assumed that the powers that be would be highly impressed and i would bequeath a handsome reward fit fer a queen of my stature...so i was ready to press my luck!

OMG...OMG...OMG...what did i win?...what did I WIN?...WHAT DID I WIN?

a new car?

an all inclusive weekend vacation at the charming Cabrini-Green estates in Chicago, IL?

M-O-N-E-Y?

oh no...unfortunately all those home lobotomy perms affected my thought

 process...cuz after the corporate gimp finished feed'n from the daily donut trough...she would spend 2 minutes pick'n from the company's list of pre-approved speeches...print it off

then corralled the cubicle cattle around in a circle with her donut bell...to recite said speech to the ass kisser of the month
(which...how lucky was i?)

and proceeded to present me with a printed out version of her speech and my very much anticipated reward

WAIT!! WHAAA?? an unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n 

illusionist of my own universe actually won a FUCK'N $2 coupon off popcorn on the skyway level?

i thought at any minute...Ashton Kutcher was gonna pop outta the stock 

room and mutter that annoy'n phrase of his...unfortunately...there would be no hidden camera man jump'n out from behind the copy machine to get my reaction or any visit from Ashton

i would have to endure this utter humiliation fer the next 6 months in a

row cuz i was THAT good (i got the bedpost notches to prove it kittens) this was the ACTUAL proof that i still held onto as a reminder to NEVER work fer another shitty and cheap ass company again as long as i breath (cuz believe me...the pay...along with my first boss...were way below my standard of life)

odd thing about this phony fiasco was that a select few of my co-workers

 were a bit cranky in their neatly pressed culottes cuz i kept winn'n month after month...until one co-worker finally beat my winn'n streak...unfortunately...i would once again win the follow'n month after and by then had decided to give away my oscar meyer wiener winn'ns to those less unworthy...i mean unfortunates and "cash" in my asinine awards fer the whole department

turns out though that by the time i went to cash in all of my $16 worth of rewards...the fuck'n biz would no longer be accept'n my worthless winn'ns cuz...ummm...they went out of biz!

well...needless to say...this DID NOT go over very well when one particular

CASPER crusade'n co-worker heard of this atrocity!

a year would go by before i was "nominated" by my peers as the latest

 ass kisser...i mean...employee of the month once again (since they changed the rules) though to be honest...i received said nomination only cuz i was the last one they never voted fer in my department (jealousy is not a pretty color on the cankle crowd ...no matter what the season may be) only this time...there would be no popcorn consolation coupon to collect and no longer was this charade parade left to just our immediate department...cuz now they had decided to make a mockery of you by make'n it a multiple company department fiasco where you hadda walk down the plank of yer peers like you were accept'n some sorta fuck'n golden globe (ummm...even if it were made of imitation gold that would'a been a much needed improvement)

no...instead...after the corporate gimp gave you accolades and praise fer yer obvious hard work done (and we ALL did collectively on a daily basis mind you) you were gifted a bag of cray paper and inside the cray paper

some halloween candy they obviously stole from their kids bucket from the previous year...

a juice box...AAAAAND (hold on to yer herniated disks)

a pop tart...NOT multiple tarts mind you to pop...ONLY THE ONE SET!

GET THE FUCK OUT! one might say to one self...and trust me...i could 

barely contain my shock and awe when i first experienced a co-worker's humiliate'n perp walk down the aisle to accept their "award" cuz when it was my turn to accept mine on said day...i made damn sure to call in sick with a hideous case of chernobyl mononucleosis cuz i was absolutely not gonna partake in zero part of this sham scam! 

though i would unfortunately have to collect my prize the follow'n day that was sitt'n quietly in my cubicle...neatly gifted in a non recyclable bag that has been sitt'n forlornly in the back of my closet all these years until i photographed it as exhibit B fer this blog...before donate'n it to the waste management system outside my shitbox

i would last another 3 more years cuz i have always been loyal regardless

 of the company practices...before finally call'n it quits cuz they thankfully moved to the burbs...and i'm not sorry in the slightest cuz that just ain't in my vocab...now GET OFF MY DRESS!