at the very least...it's that time of the year once again to pack away all the many mini multi colored macramé pot holders you made fer yer dirty pillows and whatever other unmentionables no one's mention'n about or munch'n on anymore...that you learned how to make at the beginn'n of summer by a group of geriatric gangsta's use'n "HOW MANY LICKS" by LIL KIM as their loop song who took over the social media platforms and terrorized teenie beanie tik tok'ers everywhere that were try'na make bank so they can put a hit out on their babysitter
well kittens...it's time to wrap it up!
as i began shift'n my closet collection from colorful culottes to tacky khaki
carhartt's fer mother nature's impend'n madness into mayhem and schedule'n my annual tauntaun tune up...i remembered it was roughly 7 years ago that i nearly lost my freedom cuz i was about to go ape-shit Annie on some asswipe who 5 finger discounted my all time fav-o-rit winter wrap at some seedy downtown water'n hole and fergot to do a follow-up fer you kittens...
BUTT wait
just in case yer new here...perhaps you need a better understand'n of the
entire situation i hadda suffer thru...however if you already suffered thru this tragedy once before when i first reported it...is it really gonna kill ya to suffer thru it ONE MORE FUCK'N TIME? (sorry the caps stuck...now yer stuck...so lemme continue puhleez!)
SOME PEOPLE ARE ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N WHORES!
i was enjoy'n a perfectly slightly intoxicate'n nite out with a non sexual friend of mine this particular weekend...when i ran into another...perhaps maybe...a sexual friend down the road when there's nothing better to do...and we decided to hit the dance floor and show the instant oatmeal
generation how it's done...as we were gett'n hot and heavy into the beat of the thump'n music under the pulsate'n lights...i removed my dignity winter jacket that i have cherished for over 20 years and gave it to my non sexual friend to hold on to...
well after 10 or so minutes...i was done sweat'n it out and was ready to bounce and sure enough so did my non sexual friend apparently...eventually i found a ride home assume'n he was kind enough to bring my prized jacket home with him and i would get it the next day or so...or so i thought...
when he texted me the follow'n day to say he didn't bring it home with him...i of course turned into some sorta medieval axe wield'n homocider maniac and drank a whole 6 pack of crisp apple flavored energy drinks to calm my nerves and seriously...i needed to be sedated at this point!
ultimately i know it was MY responsibility to look after MY own shit...so seriously save the speeches...but that don't give SOME ABSOLUTE COCK SUCK'N MUTHA FUCK'N PIG SLUTT'N WHORE the right to own
a part of my history just so they can look "cool"...of course i did what ANY insane unrational person would do in a situation like this and popped a pearl necklace on the neighbor (well it had already been 2 weeks kittens)
and contacted the local piss hole i was at that fateful nite and once i had alerted the staff at the bar of the atrocity i had encountered
i then proceeded to contact the boys in blue...
the FBI...
the CIA...
the CSI...
DOG the BOUNTY HUNTER...
JESSICA FLETCHER...
and last Pizza LUCE'
(hey this is hard work...i needed to keep my strength up)
we began by sett'n up an all point's bulletin for the tri-state area...called in
an amber alert...though apparently i couldn't do that...well cuz an actual child had to have been wear'n my jacket at the time...so i said FUCK IT! and faxed the airport fer any out bound flights that may have been seen leave'n the country with my precious precious jacket
here are the only pictures in existence to this ancient early 90's artifact...
my very dear dear friend PEETRINELLA is to the left...me in said stolen jacket is to the right!
notice how the jacket just sets off the entire look...without the jacket...my almost impossibly "cool" factor is completely kaput!
this is the last known picture take'n by my friend on that fateful late nite...
as i went to the lil wrangler's room to powder my nose...thankfully he was stare'n at my hot bubble A double snakes that i worked hard on fer the past 6 years...in the back of the jacket in bold letters across the bottom says "PORN STAR" (hey ya did 10 movies...ya got a free coat) ummm insert proverbial comic relief here (i only did one) above that font is a blue circle and inside said circle is a red star and inside said star is a silhouette of a presumably nekid woman...so in cuntclusion just imagine if you will...
LINUS without his blanket...
PEE WEE without his bike...
hell...MINNIE PEARL without her goin rate hang'n from her hat!
IT JUST DON'T MAKE NO SENSE!
i am a very rational and fergive'n person and i would hope the person
or persons involved in this heinous jacket-napp'n would do the right thing after they realized it doesn't fit them at all and simply return it to the bar mgr. where there will be NO QUESTIONS ASKED and trust me ALL WOULD BE forgive'n...alas if you decide you just can't bare to part with said jacket i will place a curse on you fer every minute you are still breath'n and roam'n this earth
and hope an army of mongolian piss ants invade yer anal entrance...cause'n you thee most unimaginable bowel movements you've ever experienced in yer life and just so u know...i've already put a call into the White House and i'm almost 100% not positive...
that OBAMA had not agreed to add this incident into his state of the union speech...
even the QUEEN apparently had decided to lower the flag at Buckingham palace (gimme a break...i'm reminisce'n and durin' this time Liz was still sipp'n her earl grey and still the #1 suspect in that 97' incident involve'n her then daughter-n-law so point yer fingers where they belong)
i am plead'n with my legions of kittens all around the world...if you ever
wanted to find a reason to protest fer the injustice that has happened in this mad world especially cuz well it has happened TO ME...thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...THIS IS IT!!! stand up in unity...contacted yer congressmen...call yer clergymen...
a simple candle light vigil would show you really cared...wouldn't it?
and perhaps CELINE DION could break down and weep while sing'n some sorrowful hymn durin' her Vegas run
seriously...you don't want me to contact the gay mafia cuz i'm tell'n ya now
well...i'm happy to report that after a very long 69 hrs in the 69 position
3 jalapeño martini breakdowns (thanx to a couple of expired quaaludes) and a phone number fer a good therapist i got from my therapist...i was once again finally reunited with my precious precious jacket without have'n to lose my religion or my rectal rollercoaster on anyone and we've been PEACHES & HERB'n it every autumn equinox since...
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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