the evil sith lord known as DARTH VADER came into power durin' the 6th installment but in the 3rd succession of the STAR WARS galaxy
KELLY CLARKSON was that year's PAT BENATAR answer fer the new
generation of pissed off "petunia's" with her postpartum break-up anthem "SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE"
and i had made my return to the Minne-Apple after a very brief break-up
with a future adult entertainment personality who would become experienced in the art of project'n macintosh apples from his backdoor (plus the only guy i had ever let move in with me) and settled into an acquaintance's home that i had played pool with off and on fer a couple of years (in the center of crackville avenue and hooker junction...and i mean that L-I-T-E-R-A-L-L-Y) cuz the 1st morn'n i awoke with a stale chilled cup of sanka regret to hunt fer a new position on the informational highway...i heard a car screech abruptly outside and out popped what i assumed was...
the pimp bellow'n out "WHERE"S MY FUCK'N MONEY BITCH?" as she was poke'n her CARDI B nails into her bitch's bad weave job she'd just ripped outta the car like a botched abortion (and yes that is a direct quote kittens)
i nervously called my box of franzia friend known as Sallie May Day Hat
as i Mrs. Kravitz'd the situation to see if i should call the cops however i was informed not to waste my time cuz they wouldn't come to that end of town anytime soon so i went back to job hunt'n until minutes later i heard gun shots
flash forward to 4 months later and then there i was one even'n when i had
ventured out with the Edina to my Patsy to some local homo shithole fer showtunes nite in downtown Minne-Apple...
i've been in my fair share of shithole's from town to town...lemme tell you...
though most of them have been usually on all 4's...however nothing says homo heaven more than bein' in a seedy leather bar on a late sunday afternoon belt'n out broadway hits with a bunch of beer guzzle'n ritual bath'n man tits in tank tops that could barely keep a tit mouse dry in a drizzle...
oddly enough though...there i was pretty much kill'n time with my bumble'n box of franzia...try'na get into the spirit by soak'n up the spirits...til i hadda pick up 2 of my siblings and Joan Crawford at the airport when they crossed the border from margaritaville at midnite
it's funny though how the same group of beer guzzle'n non hetero's that
cruised me online an hour earlier are now all of a sudden want'n nothin' to do with me after they found out i was indeed thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...cuz they're look'n fer someone more "str8 act'n and appear'n"...
yet the 2nd MADONNA's "DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA" appeared
on the screens overhead...these "macho str8 act'n n appear'n" burly beer guzzle'n bears...cubs...and their counterparts...would raise their fists (after they pulled them outta their dates ass of course) clutch'n tightly to their napkins and wave'n them in unison as the QUEEN would erupt into song on the casa rosada above the crowd
BUTT i digress...
well once you've seen that...it's all down hill from there...anywho'zll'ding
as we tic-tac-toed our way thru the sea of toads that nite...we made our way to the outdoor patio fer some not so fresh smoke filled air...consist'n of bacon breath and bad b.o. with a subtle hint of someone who'd soaked way too long in their after bath body splash...i noticed this hag that lost her fag make some comment on my eyes as she passed by...so of course she would become my new best friend fer at least the next 45 minutes...why not!
she had this sorta flirty innocence that the box of franzia loathed...well...cuz she hadn't offered any complimentary compliments up to his intoxicated derriere...so of course this meant that his mouth would pop open any minute like a pez dispenser and out would pour a flood of cuntage...tear'n her to shreds until she was nothing but a mere puddle of regret on the floor fer make'n eye contact with us in the 1st place...which is exactly what had happened...
so i quilted my best comforter as fast as i could and pulled her from the cage match that she was no match for!
by now the clock was tick'n and i only had 45 minutes before i hadda fly
out to the airport to pick up my blood line...unfortunately puddle girl was still a puddle while try'n to decipher the reason'n fer Sallie Mae season'n her ass and i was in zero mood to explain Sallie Mae's semantics to her (seriously...i don't know how you non homo guys put up with all their blubbery mess...call a doctor pronto!)
so i opted the best way i knew how to shut her up by putt'n a Miller to her
mouth...which i did at the next water'n hole though i had let her know the clock was tick'n and this would be the last stop or she'd be thumb'n it home so by the time we left the bar...she had completely fergotten about the cage match from earlier and was give'n me directions to her house...which of course ended up being on the other end of town
as we walked to my car...i had noticed a small pocket knife had fallen from
her purse and though she seemed completely harmless enough at the time...i was in no mood to find out if i was cart'n Lezzie Boredom's cottage cheesed A-double snakes all over the metro area...
just to drive to some deserted alley and end up as a side dish with some fava beans and nice kiante...so i pocketed the pocket knife and would give it back to her once i kicked her to the curb
as i was cross'n the majestic river and not over to grama's house...i had
decided to coast down the other side of the bridge...when i noticed christmas lights flash'n in my rear view reflection from a distance and i suddenly got all in a panic cuz i realized i hadn't even put my x-mess list together fer Peetrinella yet...
then i realized...wait!...it's only july!
though i personally felt i was more than ok to drive...i knew i was suppose
be the sober cab that nite...nonetheless i did have 4 watered down bottles of piss diet beer all nite (hey no one else is gonna watch my waistline but me) and a good hour had passed since i had a drop to drink before i had put the keys into my ignition so i figered i had a tail light out or perhaps it was against the law to carry some half baked bitch in my front seat...i don't fuck'n know!
as i pulled over to the side of the road i noticed in my side mirror a beam
of light and from the distance an incredibly hulky cop walk'n towards my car and i swear on a stack of CHER cd's...
"EROTICA" by the QUEEN was play'n in my cd player at the exact same time...so of course i'm think'n...F-I-N-A-L-L-Y i get to play out my wildest fantasy...only prob was i had this drunk miserable maxi pad take'n up in my front seat which was a total mood killer!
by the time the officer made it to my window...i had already rolled down
my window along with my dignity...anticipate'n as to what position i was gonna be ordered in next however much to my surprise...he just asked me "do you know why i stopped you? in a not so very bend over and take it like a bitch kinda way either i might add
ummm "hey is it cuz i'm pretty and yer in the mood fer an unintentionally
he'd asked me what i had to drink...instead of ask'n me out on a date...like
as i placed my hands on the hood of my car wait'n in anticipation fer that
internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe?" though i heard my mind say it...i hadda dash down stairs to my mouth as fast as i could to make sure i didn't actually say it to mister officer (though i'm not gonna lie...secretly i had wished i had...who knows how this whole nite would'a turned out instead) have'n not said that thought it turns out as i was come'n down the bridge...i had inadvertently ignored my speedometer and was goin approximately 9 miles over the speed limit...EH! it'll happen!
he'd asked me what i had to drink...instead of ask'n me out on a date...like
i assumed he would've asked me...i mean HELLO? look at me...i'ma catch! i decided not to turn this into some twisted fantasy any longer cuz i noticed the time on my dash board and i was now NOT at the destination i was suppose to be by this time so i told him the story about my night as i checked myself in the mirror and then he asked me to step outta the car (finally…about time…my eggs were about to hatch)
as i placed my hands on the hood of my car wait'n in anticipation fer that
slow hand PONCH pat down as seen on tv and that i had read about in all those erotic novels as a teenrager apparently though i was misinterpret'n everything as he had just simply asked me if i had anything in my pocket...to which i said just my cell phone and wallet (and any fantasy he wanted to play out)
as he had me lift my hands out he slipped slowly down my front pocket...i
knew i wanted him inside me (though i thought i'd be in another position mind you) instead he just pulled out a pocket knife!
it had completely slipped my mind that i had grabbed it off the sidewalk...
and had put it in my pocket but fergot to give it back to my not so new best friend anymore mess once we got back in my car...so i simply explained it to the officer and wouldn't you know it the next thing i know is i'm lean'n over the trunk of my car gett'n hand-cuffed by Roscoe...
though when i played this exact scenario out in my head...i'd assumed they'd be wrapped in some sorta bubblegum pink fun fur and i'd be strapped to his bed posts like some caged animal
so next thing i know...i'm being escorted ...without a corsage i might add
to the back seat of his car (without him join'n me i might also wanna add) and not 5 seconds would go by before i noticed some Sanford and Son look'n tow truck arrive'n on the scene with no DJ equipment or disco ball and the gal bein' told to get outta my car as it was lifted up on it's hind legs and they disappeared off into the distance in a matter of seconds
WTF?
it was as if the world had stopped and i wasn't gett'n off with anyone at all
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