the alcoholic wives simply known as the devil's music MOTLEY CRUE were all the rage and take'n over the airwaves as well as the tv screens...considered to be the mistresses of ol' hot head himself...Lucifer...the CRUE were corrode'n the mentally unmorally majority of uptight christian societal circles everywhere...from Kalamazoo to Timbuktu...putt'n a bastardly bee in their fuckless bonnets and i fer one...couldn't have been more happier!
well...lemme back it up by a year...where i could'a been beyond over the
moon (that would be 1985 fer those mathematical challengers still try'na count it out on their lil piggies) when i spent hours wash'n dishes...endless piles of my sibs cloths and scrubb'n the kitchen floor til 3 am roughly...til it was good enough to eat off of it without have'n to contact the Center for Disease Control...all just to get a ticket to the hottest show on the planet that year...in the month of may...the 21st to be exact...MADONNA's VIRGIN TOUR in St Paul, MN...
that was ALL my tulip sniff'n penny loaf'n lil teenage angst riddled A-double snakes longed for fer the the next 10 birthdays & christmas's combined (hypothetically speak'n of course...i mean come on...i was a teenrager after all)
W-E-L-L suffice it to say...Joan never even considered my desperate plea
and i was completely DENIED a ticket to M's very 1st concert due to the fact that Joan said "ya ain't goin to see her cuz they do drugs at those concerts" (that is an almost direct quote...from what my feeble lil mind remembers) and of course this was NOT backed up with ANY sufficient evidence what so ever to please me!
it was the 80's...BUTT of course...
the follow'n year i would win 4 tix on a call in contest from K.A.G.E radio
to the bad ass glam gurls of heavy metal "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS TOUR" and my cuz Dan drove me and bundle of my sibs down in his Sanford & Son truck to see MOTLEY CRUE reek havoc at the Lacrosse Center in Lacrosse WI with the other suedo shopko famous alcoholic wives WHITESNAKE open'n fer 'em...
and unfortunately i would eventually have to live vicariously thru a VHS version of the M's immaculate concert a couple years later (where M pulled in a cool $5,000,000 in ticket sales) once i saved up enough money from my pop can collection...
by 1987 i WAS NOT gonna miss my 2nd chance to see the future QUEEN
OF THE DANCE FLOOR live on stage in St Paul, MN so once again i combed the entire city fer any and all empty aluminum recyclables i could find and my former bff from 3rd grade got his mom to drive us up to see the "WHO'S THAT GIRL TOUR" at the St Paul Civic Center and believe me SHE DID NOT DISAPPOINT by pull'n in a very impressive $25,000,000.00
unfortunately...i would have to pass on "THE BLONDE AMBITION TOUR"
in 1990 when M reconstructed and redefined what all live performances would become fer audiences from that point forward...grabb'n a massive paycheck worth $62,700,000.00
i also had to say no sadly to "THE GIRLIE SHOW" in 1993...where M took home $70,000,000.00 in sales...
and once again fer the "DROWNED WORLD TOUR" in 2001 where M was drown'n in $75,000,000.00 from tour receipts
thankfully by 2004 me and my good friend Bonnie Rotten took a road trip
to the Windy City (formerly known as Oprahville) to catch M's "RE-INVENTION WORLD TOUR" which snagged M a $124,790,787.00 payday
though 2006 fer some damn reason i never made it to the "CONFESSIONS TOUR" in Oprahville cuz of a my unfortunate miller lite issues and though i paid my annoy'n DUI fee's...the QUEEN took in a total of $194,754,447.00 in live fee's
by the time that 2008 rolled around...me and my former follicle designer
decided to make a pilgrimage back to Chicago fer the 1st time together to catch the much anticipated "STICKY AND SWEET TOUR" which also was her chance of gett'n devirginized by see'n the QUEEN live fer the 1st time ever and it just happened to be M's highest haul ever live with an impressive $411,000,000.00 stuffed in her coin purse
by 2012 after i did a lil investigate'n on the informational highway fer a few
hours and shopp'n my idea around to 4 different alcoholic establishments thru-out the city til i finally landed a deal at CAMP bar in St Paul host'n the triumphant return of MADONNA back to the land of 9,999 bottoms after a 25 year absence with my "M" party fer the "THE MDNA TOUR" which had people come'n in from Toronto to Texas (true story) to win the giveaway of 2 golden triangle tickets that the tour company gave me fer ALL my hard work that i did organize'n the event (that i selfishly gave away that nite since the mgr fergot to purchase any to give away in the 1st place) include'n 3 reps from Smirnoff who loved my invention of M inspired cocktails i designed...the nite and the concert (which was soo good i went back fer the 2nd nite) exceeded ALL my expectations and took in roughly $305,158,362.00
lighten'n struck twice fer this very unintentionally internationally unknown
perform'n illusionist of my own universe...when i sold my 2nd M party that i called "ICONIC: REBEL HEARTS" once again this time at the Slutoon in downtown Minne-Apple to throngs of fans in 2015 fer M's "REBEL HEART TOUR" which ended up gross'n $169,804,336.00 (thankfully her precious precious kids didn't have to sing fer their supper that year)
with the cd release and reinvention of her new persona referred simply as
MADAME X in 2019...THE QUEEN decided to scale down her massive tours of the past fer a much more intimate audience in smaller venues who had to be "chosen" to win a chance to get tix to see her live...however after fly'n to Chi town and not winn'n a damn ticket (and with the demise of the current "romance novel" i was read'n) the tour was cancelled half way thru due to COVID and it would take 2 years later fer me to finally see the "MADAME X TOUR" stream'n...however...if i were asked to judge all her live shows since her breathtake'n beginn'n...this would have to rank at #11 fer me personally (though it did have it's moments...so do i when i eat a massive bean burrito...ummm you do the math) plus it only pulled in enough to purchase 2 rolls royce boat tail cars (not include'n tax) which meant all her 6 kids would have to fight over who would get to borrow it on the weekends pick'n up a measly $51,361,000.00
with "THE CELEBRATION TOUR" barrel'n thru the european countryside
until decem 6th where MADONNA will then launch into the US leg of her gigantic catalog of 4 decades of hits tour in the BIG APPLE fer 3 impressive nites start'n on decem 13th and finish'n her tour on 4 massive nites in Mexico City that will be close'n on april 24th so she can be expected to cash in a massive $100,000,000 check at her local piggly wiggly
in the meantime while yer wait'n fer M to stop in yer city...why not enjoy my
fuck'n fantabulous "M: 4 DECADES OF DANCE" mix from the undisputed QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR (ps...keep yer eyes peeled to this blog as i'm hope'n to host my 3rd and final MADONNA party in the Minne-Apple area before her St Paul stop...deets to follow soon)
now GET OFF MY DRESS!
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