NOT SO HAPPYILY EVER AFTER

everyone dreams of a happy end'n...unfortunately yer live'n in some sorta 

non denominational hyperbolic unattainable fantasy kittens...i believe artistic director GEOFFERY JELLINECK from the sadistically brilliant and twisted after school special series "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" said it best when he muttered "if wishes and buts were made of nuts...we'd all have a bowl of granola!"

we were taught at an early age thanx to the wonderfully fucked up world 

from the cryogenically frozen mind of WALT DIZNEY that no matter how many obtrusive obstacles you may encounter in life...eventually it'll all turn out magically delightfully in the end...OH R-E-A-L-L-Y?

didn't work out so well fer SNOW WHITE after the cameras cut cuz she 

ended up find'n solace in the only thing she could since her 7 roomies fired her ass after her Prince passed away but not before he squandered away all her profits from her debut flick on gamblin' and girls catch'n a scorch'n case of syphilis and didn't get it checked until he hit stage 4 when it was too late and she could no longer pay fer her fair share of the rent leave'n poor Snow White draped in a bottle of booze...where she would end up pass'n away in the forest a few short years later from cirrhosis of the liver with only a lil blue bird comfort'n her miserably pickled soul

of course Mrs. WHITE wasn't the only one in happily ever after land that 

ended up in a terrifically terrible tragic tale...everyone thought CINDERELLA had it all...plucked from obscurity by another Prince who was hide'n a "secret lifestyle" when she walked in on her daddy after dinner with him in her glass slippers one even'n and eventually Cindy would develop a nasty nose candy habit just to cope with the embarrassment

and unfortunately no one's heard a peep outta ALICE ever since she 

hopped a ride to Honduras after crawl'n outta that rabbit hole and ended up work'n her way thru "beauty school" as an exotic dancer or so i've heard...who really knows to be honest...she was over 18 after all!

those old enough to remember...remember popp'n jiffy pop while they'd

wash it down with their fav-o-rit beverage of choice...

kick'n back on the over stuffed country scene plastered all over the davenport from Levitz furniture in their parents den...

and learned all about the joy of paint'n somethin' other than their prepubescent face by the mastermind of BOB ROSS!

born ROBERT NORMAN ROSS 1 day before all hallowed eves in 1942

an 18 year old ROSS began his career in the armed forces as a medical records technician in 1961 (that's really just a fancy title fer data entry dork)  and can i get a hubba hubba...meeeeeouch! H-E-L-L-O...beep beep! before he discovered other joys of paint'n...oh let's get real kittens...who didn't piss their parents/maid off clean'n out weekly piles of crusty filled tube socks at that age i ask you?

work'n as a part-time AA enabler maker...ROSS discovered a german oil 

painter BILL ALEXANDER on the tv series "THE MAGIC OF PAINTING" on the bar's mini  magnavox one lazy afternoon at work who used the wet on wet technique (think lube on yer throbb'n tube) to create beautiful landscapes in around 30 minutes so the dapper and dash'n ROSS studied and perfected his technique eventually study'n with ALEXANDER until he branched out on his own...

create'n his very own signature style along with his signature ogilvie home fro on the hit PBS series "THE JOY OF PAINTING" filled full of happy lil clouds and o.d.'n on titanium white...crimson red and oodles of other colors under the rainbow that ran from jan of 1983 until may of 1994...until his untimely pass'n in july of 1995 due to his many many years of smoke'n

ever since ROSS's pass'n...his image has turned into pop culture history

from halloween costumes...to comedy show references to beyond vomitous market'n products from crock pots to chia pets and everything in between

BUTT...unfortunately

in his death...all the happy little clouds that ROSS once painted thru-out

his colorful career fer 21 years on television along with his name that he had hoped would be passed on to benefit his son Steve financially...turned into contentious clouds of betrayal and greed between ROSS and his biz partners

that has been brilliantly however bitterly documented in the Netflix documentary  "BOB ROSS HAPPY LITTLE ACCIDENTS BETRAYAL AND GREED" which will make you think twice of ever purchase'n A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G associated with his image PERIOD!

so give it a watch...if you ain't got Netflix then call yer coke dealer or catholic advisor and watch it with them and GET OFF MY DRESS!

disenchanted granted!

who ever said ALL fairy tales are suppose to have happy end'ns..

are full of himalayan pig shit!...so there i was...on my 1st non pressurized...non sexualized date in roughly 2 years...with 3 months of back and forth chitter chatter about everything...well about everything EXCEPT sex...(which mind you...i have absolutely ZERO prob doin still...my junk still works without any pharmaceutical magically delicious blue pills) but it was just nice...i decided to pick him up in my pinto blow-about...barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer one day after work...and the 1st thing he has to say after make'n me sit and wait 10 minutes fer his supply bubbly A double snakes (hey i'm no Helen Keller) to stop look'n thru his binoculars to see if i really was worth the elevator ride down from his boudoirs...and says "hmmm...yer wear'n rainbow colored gloves?"

well...i'll just let you imagine how this fairytale played out on yer very own

so the follow'n day i decided to take myself on a much long awaited date...with MEEEEE...and said to myself...i said self...keep yer hands where i can see em...and no patty cake'n when we get home

i decided to find myself in the 3rd row at the fabulous Cyndi Lauper/Harvey Fiernstein musical on the close'n nite in St Paul MN...all was goin absolutely magical...THAT IS...until right before the 1st intermission...with one song left to go and the lead hottie...Charlie...that i swore was sing'n directly to MEEEEE durin' the entire performance...well cuz we were gonna run off to Switzerland and raise mongolain whistle children from the Madonna Malawi collection...collapsed on stage!

i was mortified...was it cuz of the reflection from my CUNT cap that i recently purchased in boystown...that was highly recommended to me by these 2 KD Lang...card carry'n home depot lezbitronix shopp'n next to me...that blinded my future ferry-tale to fall so helplessly on stage in front of hundreds and be carried off by 2 equally yummilicious stage hands?

i thought...OH WELL...ain't this just a crock a shit of a weekend all around!

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around...and researched how all those fairy tales i read about as a small...but highly influential...pre internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...made me believe everything was gonna turn out all rainbows and unicorns when i grew up...W-E-L-L...turns out...it never really worked out like we thought fer anyone in those stories

they're were ALL full of shit!...like fer instance...

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that hole...into a crazy and wonderful world that consisted of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...would end up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a complete lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross the border back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and would also help clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet...well young Red had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master in a pissed stained holly hobby gown and snapped goin' all ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol' hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...

 beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!

fairytale fails

remember those beloved disney movies you seen as a small child...

that you got hooked on em like a junkie in just skivvies...turn'n yer parents into bitchy basket cases by demand'n to watch them over and over on a damn loop...until you could recite them in yer sleep like yer some sorta pre pubescent rain man/woman...whether you were non homosexual or part of the LGBTQAIXYZPDQ crowd...pout'n like a lil asshole til ya got yer way...only to find out as a grown up...disney saccrinated fucked up the original version of the fairytales...with floral arrangements and give'n the thumbs up to bestiality

ever since Walt had his head encased in with a 12 pack cryogenics...

everyone in hollyweird has been shredd'n his wonderful world of disney...by bein a dick one flick at a time and rework'n all his work

with blockbusters like Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman...

show'n us that cute fairytale's are really just scary as shit...and the reason why yer lil asshole child is choke'n on ritalin like it's candy all the time...and not the fluffy vommitly cute bullshit versions Walt tried to shove down our throats like a cheap hooker fer all those years...

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around

well after whack'n off to GRINDR files hack'n into the Disney files one even'n...i discovered an arsenal of carnage and misconduct fer the final end'ns to the beloved disney heroins that Walt never wanted the world to know about...but will soon be made into motion pictures

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that rabbit hole...into a crazy and wonderful world of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...ended up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and helped clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet and had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master and went ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about...

the raven haired beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!

once upon a nightmare...

remember those beloved disney movies you seen as a small child...

that you got hooked on watch'n like they were heroin fer yer cornea's...annoy'n yer parents by demand'n to watch them over and over on a damn loop...like yer some sorta pre pubescent rain man/woman...whether you were non homosexual or part of the LGBTQAXYZPDQ crowd...pout'n like a lil asshole til ya got yer way...only to find out as a grown up...disney saccrinated fucked up the original version of the fairytales...with floral arrangements and talk'n animals

ever since Walt had his head encased in with a 12 pack cryogenics...

everyone in hollyweird has been shredd'n his wonderful world of disney...by bein a dick one flick at a time and rework'n all his work

with blockbusters like Maleficent and Snow White and the Huntsman...

show'n us that fairytale's are really scary as shit...and the reason why yer lil asshole child is choke'n on ritalin like it's candy all the time...and not the fluffy bullshit versions Walt tried to shove down our throats like a cheap hooker fer all those years...

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around

well after whack'n off to GRINDR files hack'n into the Disney files one even'n...i discovered an arsenal of carnage and misconduct fer the final end'ns to the beloved disney heroins that Walt never wanted the world to know about...but will soon be made into motion pictures

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that rabbit hole...into a crazy and wonderful world of a dissappear'n cat...tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...ended up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and helped clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet and had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master and went ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about...

the raven haired beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen...

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!