ONE fer THE RECORD BOOK pt. 3

hey if yer look'n to shake up the spring season'ns with a lil joy fer yer very

own pleasure now that it's in full swing...may i suggest find'n a crowded family function or packed shit fer brains hole in the wall sports bar where everyone's IQ in the room combined is the same as the alcohol content in just one can of schlitz malt liquor on game day and ask the remote control king/queen or brain dead waiter/waitress that there's a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon on and they'll get a $5 bonus tip fer a quick channel change at the bottom of the 9th durin' the 4th quarter

as everyone's fav-o-rit dribbler scores a home run with the puck in the pool...their reaction will be priceless...trust me...however if yer not feel'n that brazen...then click here fer pt. 1 and click here fer pt. 2 to catch up to the excrutiate'n conclusion

so there i was one sunday afternoon at my neighborhood coffee shop... 

read'n over pages of regurgitated crap about the football fans (the VIKES in particular) try'na inform the social media disdain fer the game that if they didn't like the outcome of the game then they outta put down the fuck'n pickled pringles and PBR and sign up to play at the next try-outs...finish'n up my latest blog while flipp'n thru annoy'n requests on desperadoville...or a4a...which after 3 years of bein' "sucked" into it (pun intended) i simply referred to it as assholes4assholes now

i responded to a simple request by some 20 somethin' tattoo'd potential 

failure to "hang out" (but who in the world does he think  i am...besides thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) everyone knows that's just hookerville code fer "rock out with yer cock out"

i had nothin' better to do...so i emailed him my digits and finished up my 

over priced non dairy...dairy...mocha frappichino latte chi tea...i mean my plum red bull and headed fer home

a few hours later...after OD'n on rerun's of the hysterically fab-u-less after

school special knock-offs of  "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" an unsuitable friend called pretty much plead'n to get pollinated by yers cruelly...listen here...i haven't resided in desperadoville since the disfucktional era of the 90's when i started work'n at the 90's and though repeat performances have happened from time to time...i'm more into one-of-a-kind treasures these days

so...as the unmemorable caller tried desperately to remind me who they 

were...i picked the phone back up after 2 minutes and noticed a text had come thru though no name was attached...hmmm...who's this? a new pearl at the bottom of my electronical ocean of regrets

i politely interrupted the caller...who now just seemed like a rusted coin 

in the back alley of some dead end street that i had no interest in pick'n up and told them i would donate 10% of my feelings to his skank account

as i played the ping pong text game of who's this?...i realized it was the 20

somethin' from earlier in the day finally gett'n back to me in an untimely manner but why should i be surprised...most 20 somethin's these days have zero clue what a manner is unless it comes in a downloadable app

we made plans to "hang out" as it were...in an hour...when i was done  

file'n my feelin's in the "why not!" drawer and he was done look'n fer the next best thing that was within 15 feet from his reach

a week would go by and while i was enjoy'n bloody's with a stalker of mine

followed by an even fabular dinner while watch'n "KINKY BOOTS" at her palace when all of a sudden the generational gap texted me outta the blue and wanted to "hang out"

after inform'n the above acquaintance of him...they said to invite him over

to join in some robotic pleasantries...however i was in no mood to play a round of "patty cake patty fake" with my new counter help reject from blockbusters so after finish'n dinner and the movie i skedaddled back to my tiny underworld palace fer some pre-fornicational 4 square though once i retreated to my bed this generation was ready to count sheep so off to dreamland it was fer me

by morn'n he had opened the flood gates of his entire life...about how he 

got his drug and alcoholic acrobatic act in tact...that he met me as 80's Boy George on halloween nite a year prior...

BUTT (and you know there always is one dont'cha kittens)

that we had actually met A YEAR EARLIER! at 1st i was like WHAT? then it felt like i was taken a shower at the bates motel!

hmmm...a year earlier?...i don't recall ANY 20 somethin's catch'n my 

interest accept fer a date i reported on when i began this ramblin'n eyesore of a story about anything and everything when i first created this blog...he said..."you know my dad!" i paused fer a second...then i thought...WTF????

no matter how many times you call may feel compelled to wanna call me "daddy" I AM NOT YER FATHER! 

**ABORT**ABORT**ABORT**

another 10 years would pass and there i was once again recently lay'n 

back in my boudoir chatt'n amongst the sea of desperado's online vy'n fer my "attention" in the middle of the nite after wake'n up from one of my multiple narcoleptic fantasies and guess who just happened to hit me up? hmmmm...well let's just say...it wasn't irish throat plunger Colin Farrell...

however...after a week of  electronical ping pong banter...i decided since i have the power that it was time to finally sink this tenacious titanic lunchbox of hormones once and fer all with the full power of the block button...

this saga has F-I-N-A-L-L-Y come to an end...now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

MISERY LOVES COMPANY pt. 3

hey if yer look'n to shake up the holiglazed season'ns with a lil joy fer yer

very own pleasure now that it's in full swing...may i suggest find'n a crowded family function or packed shit fer brains hole in the wall sports bar where everyone's IQ in the room combined is the same as the alcohol content in just one can of schlitz malt liquor on game day and ask the remote control king/queen or brain dead waiter/waitress that there's a GOLDEN GIRLS marathon on and they'll get a $5 bonus tip fer a quik channel change at the bottom of the 9th durin' the 4th quarter

as everyone's fav-o-rit dribbler scores a home run with the puck in the pool...their reaction will be priceless...trust me...however if yer not feel'n that brazen...then click here fer pt. 1 and click here fer pt. 2 

so there i was one sunday afternoon at my neighborhood coffee shop 

read'n over pages of regurgitated crap about the football fans (the VIKES in particular) try'na inform the social media disdain fer the game that if they didn't like the outcome of the game then they outta put down the fuck'n pickled pringles and PBR and sign up to play at the next try-outs...finish'n up my latest blog while flipp'n thru annoy'n requests on desperadoville...or a4a...which after 3 years of bein' "sucked" into it (pun intended) i simply referred to it as assholes4assholes now

i responded to a simple request by some 20 somethin' tattoo'd potential 

failure to "hang out" (but who in the world does he think  i am...besides thee unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe) everyone knows that's just hookerville code fer "rock out with yer cock out"

i had nothin' better to do...so i emailed him my digits and finished up my 

over priced non dairy...dairy...mocha frappichino latte chi tea...i mean my plum red bull and headed fer home

a few hours later...after OD'n on rerun's of the hysterically fab-u-less after

school special knock-offs of  "STRANGERS WITH CANDY" an unsuitable friend called pretty much plead'n to get pollinated by yers cruelly...listen here...i haven't resided in desperadoville since the 90's when i started work'n at the 90's and though repeat performances have happened from time to time...i'm more into one-of-a-kind treasures these days

so...as the unmemorable caller tried desperately to remind me who they 

were...i picked the phone back up after 2 minutes and noticed a text had come thru though no name was attached...hmmm...who's this? a new pearl at the bottom of my electronical ocean of regrets

i politely interrupted the caller...who now just seemed like a rusted coin 

in the back alley of some dead end street that i had no interest in pick'n up and told them i would donate 10% of my feelings to his skank account

as i played the ping pong text game of who's this?...i realized it was the 20

somethin' from earlier in the day finally gett'n back to me in an untimely manner but why should i be surprised...most 20 somethin's these days have zero clue what a manner is unless it comes in a downloadable app

we made plans to "hang out" as it were...in an hour...when i was done  

file'n my feelin's in the "why not!" drawer and he was done look'n fer the next best thing that was within 15 feet from his reach

a week would go by and while i was enjoy'n bloody's with a stalker 

of mine...followed by an even fabular dinner while watch'n "KINKY BOOTS" at their palace when all of a sudden the generational gap texted me outta the blue and wanted to "hang out"

after inform'n the above acquaintance of him...they said to invite him over

to join in some robotic pleasantries...however i was in no mood to play a round of "patty cake patty fake" with my new counter help reject from blockbusters so after finish'n dinner and the movie i skedaddled back to my tiny underworld palace fer some pre-fornicational 4 square though once i retreated to my bed this generation was ready to count sheep so off to dreamland it was fer me

by morn'n he has opened the flood gates of his life...his drug/alcohol 

acrobatic act he had to get in tact...that he met me as 80's Boy George on halloween nite a year ago...

BUTT (and you know there always is one dont'cha kittens)

that we had actually met A YEAR EARLIER! at 1st i was like WHAT? then it felt like i was taken a shower at the bates motel!

hmmm...a year earlier?...i don't recall ANY 20 somethin's catch'n my 

interest accept fer a date i reported on when i began ramblin'n on about anything and everything when i first created this blog...he said..."you know my dad!"...i paused fer a second...then thought

no matter how many times you call me "daddy"

I AM NOT YER FATHER!

this saga is F-I-N-A-L-L-Y over...now GET OFF MY DRESS! 

disenchanted granted!

who ever said ALL fairy tales are suppose to have happy end'ns..

are full of himalayan pig shit!...so there i was...on my 1st non pressurized...non sexualized date in roughly 2 years...with 3 months of back and forth chitter chatter about everything...well about everything EXCEPT sex...(which mind you...i have absolutely ZERO prob doin still...my junk still works without any pharmaceutical magically delicious blue pills) but it was just nice...i decided to pick him up in my pinto blow-about...barely hold'n together by duct tape and a prayer one day after work...and the 1st thing he has to say after make'n me sit and wait 10 minutes fer his supply bubbly A double snakes (hey i'm no Helen Keller) to stop look'n thru his binoculars to see if i really was worth the elevator ride down from his boudoirs...and says "hmmm...yer wear'n rainbow colored gloves?"

well...i'll just let you imagine how this fairytale played out on yer very own

so the follow'n day i decided to take myself on a much long awaited date...with MEEEEE...and said to myself...i said self...keep yer hands where i can see em...and no patty cake'n when we get home

i decided to find myself in the 3rd row at the fabulous Cyndi Lauper/Harvey Fiernstein musical on the close'n nite in St Paul MN...all was goin absolutely magical...THAT IS...until right before the 1st intermission...with one song left to go and the lead hottie...Charlie...that i swore was sing'n directly to MEEEEE durin' the entire performance...well cuz we were gonna run off to Switzerland and raise mongolain whistle children from the Madonna Malawi collection...collapsed on stage!

i was mortified...was it cuz of the reflection from my CUNT cap that i recently purchased in boystown...that was highly recommended to me by these 2 KD Lang...card carry'n home depot lezbitronix shopp'n next to me...that blinded my future ferry-tale to fall so helplessly on stage in front of hundreds and be carried off by 2 equally yummilicious stage hands?

i thought...OH WELL...ain't this just a crock a shit of a weekend all around!

so i decided to put on my Angela Lansbury cap and do a lil snoop'n around...and researched how all those fairy tales i read about as a small...but highly influential...pre internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...made me believe everything was gonna turn out all rainbows and unicorns when i grew up...W-E-L-L...turns out...it never really worked out like we thought fer anyone in those stories

they're were ALL full of shit!...like fer instance...

remember sweet sweet Alice with her golden locks in her sunday best...

try'n to follow a rabbit thru the bushes until she tripped and fell down that hole...into a crazy and wonderful world that consisted of a dissappear'n cat...a tobacco toke'n caterpillar...and a queen with an attitude among many other characters

well the story that was never really told was that sweet sweet Alice....

years later...would end up on her own lil self inflicted trip and was a complete lie'n lil bitch...turn'n into a sweet sweet narcotics dealer who specialized in special K...Tina...shrooms and whatever looked pretty to school children...promise'n them the best school trip of their lives...until late one nite...when Alice was try'na cross the border back into the US one even'n with a fresh supply...she was set up by an under cover narcotics cop at a motel 6 and was busted with a bag of acid laced goofballs...now she's doin 15 years in a mexican cell

then there's that tale about a young innocent girl wrapped in a red cloak...

who would deliver baked goods to her precious but very incontinent and incapacitated grand mama across town on a weekly basis...Little Red Riding Hood would spend all morn'n bake'n grannies fav-o-rit bran muffins with flax seed to help with her constipation and hand deliver them herself...take'n a short cut thru the dark forest without a care in the world and would also help clean around the house...then would receive a shiny shillin' from nana's change purse fer a long hard days work..

but after years of take'n care of her incontinently crappy crypt keeper...

Red finally cracked and coped an attitude on her 16th birthday one afternoon...cuz her parents wouldn't let her go to Mozart's concert until she did her weekly pilgrimage to the now haggard battle ax's shit box...so as she stomped thru the woods and made it to the old bitch's house...she entered the bedroom only to be greeted by the big bad wolf in grannie's lil house on the prairie gown after he shoved her in the closet...well young Red had had enough of bein' forced to bake any more shitty muffins or empty out another bed pan...only to deal with some heavy breath'n tranny whore master in a pissed stained holly hobby gown and snapped goin' all ape shit...ran out to the wood shed...only to return with an ax and split the hairy fucker right between the eyes...

after help'n her frail grama back into bed...the ol' hag showed no ounce of gratitude fer save'n her pathetic crotchety life but instead insisted as to where her muffins were...so Red pulled the ax right outta the dead wolfs head and buried into nana's skull...but 3 weeks later she would be caught by the National Forrest police and is now on death row with no possibility of parole

one of my most treasured stories was the one about the raven haired...

 beauty with the alabaster skin...that would roam thru the forest pick'n out floral arrangements to mask the putrid smells of 7 destitute but hard work'n keebler elves she was bunk'n with...sing'n to the lil blue birds dance'n around her that would never shut the fuck up...while bake'n scrumptious blueberry pies and wash'n up their shit shorts

well...we all know about the evil wicked witch...jealous of her beauty...

but what we were never told was why the reason why the wicked ol' hag gave snow white the poisoned apple in the 1st place...Miss White was secretly the madam of the house...which originally belonged to the ol witch who defaulted on her loan...and Snow White bought the house from the bank fer half it's worth...she ended up meet'n the 7 lil illegal rag muffins at the Hurry Back Inn bar down the road one even'n while lap dance'n on Dopey...she stole their green cards and then whored out the poor innocent on-lickers to  wealthy business men in the neighbor'n forest...to help pay the mortgage on the house so she never had to clean another fuck'n house in her life...so really the witch wasn't evil at all...she was just give'n the cunt a lil taste of her own karma...so when Snow fell into a deep narcoleptic sleep from bite'n into the apple...she would stay asleep until the phony skank was awakened from a kiss by the forest ranger dressed in a prince costume...where she was take'n away in cuffs to the slammer and charged with runn'n an illegal brothel

and before we go...there's that one story about that mischievous pre-teen

who...after bein told by her mother to go outside and enjoy the fresh country air...wandered around fer hours in the forest until she came across an open house and the smell of sweet honey laced porridge linger'n in the air...pricked her senses and summoned her into the house of the 3 bears...when after the family returned... discovered their lunch lunch had been tasted...the baby's chair was broke...then found her nestled in baby bears bed...Goldie awoke...scream'n bloody murder...begg'n fer her life not to be eat'n...jumped outta bed and ran all the way home never to return to the house again

turns out though Miss Locks never learnt her lesson all those years ago...

and as a teenager hang'n with the wrong crowd...returned to her life of crime...start'n off by break'n into the homes in Little Red Ride'n 'hood...then slither'n thru the Sherwood Forrest at midnite into Robin's hood...paddle'n down stream back to where it all began... tip toe'n thru the slide'n glass door of the 3 bears home...which was now down to 2 bears since ma bear awoke from her hibernation state earlier than usual and had a massive heart attack see'n Goldie gett'n it on with daddy bear in the shower...baby bear huddled beneath his bed and quickly summoned the police via text that there was an intruder in the house and her mama was unresponsive when he called out her name...3 days later the popo arrived but all they could do was charge Goldie with break'n an enter'n...and not break'n the poor dead mother's heart...twice!

so there ya have it kittens...i think i've completely lost my mittens...

yer fav-o-rit fairy tales...told exactly how it really happened by yer fav-o-rit unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of her own universe...see not all not all fairytales have a happen'n end'n do they kittens?...if they did...i wouldn't be write'n this shit fer free on a weekly basis fer you to read all these years

thee end...now get off my dress!