GHOSTLY APPARITIONS

have you ever believed that there's somethin' beyond the graveyard?

Winona Ryder found out all about the existence of the afterlife that helped her deal with her own miserable mortality in "BEETLEJUICE" 

it made Demi believe there really was life after death...thanx to Whoopi use'n her body as some sorta sexual vortex fer her in  "GHOST"

recently dearly departed lead singer PETE BURNS of the band DEAD OR ALIVE...sung all about "just a ghost with a long long dead affair" with their ghostly 1986 smash hit "SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE"

of course not everything about the afterlife is a bed of roses as ROBIN WILLIAMS found out with his utterly severe allergy attack in "WHAT DREAMS MAY COME"

though i grew up forced into attend'n those apocalyptic voodoo classes 

with the other CASPER crusaders...i was never one to believe in anything they had to say past the age of 13...h-o-w-e-v-e-r...

i've had my run-ins with ouija boards...

and dabbled in the occasional séance over the years... 

in spite of that...did i ever mention about the other dimension that i've had contact with?

the first time was with my Grama Viola...i'd just gotten off bein' a highly 

paid drug bunny (hey...get yer mind outta the gutter ya dirty lil kitten...i know what you were think'n)  fer the government...when i got a call one early morn'n in '93 from my cuz Heather tell'n me that she had passed away in her sleep at 87...i was inconsolable at the time since i had just spoke with her the nite before lett'n her know that i planned on move'n back home and in with her to help her out around the house...once my study was completed...she was like a rock of security i had never really had before from anyone after i lost my dad from years earlier...she took me fer who i was without pass'n any sorta judgment...even sew'n my very first Elvira dress fer halloween in '85...but about a couple weeks later after her pass'n..

i remember sitt'n on her couch at her house on 3rd street with her only daughter (my aunt Ellen) while she was kick'n back her motorized cream colored lift chair and leaned over to us smile'n and said everything was ok and from then on all of a sudden she had disappeared and i woke right up in bed as if i'd seen a ghost...nonetheless everything from that moment on seemed ok to me know'n that she told me she was ok

almost 20 years later (and the only real love of my life Mike) thus far who

i had nicknamed HEMAN fer obvious reasons and would spend 4 1/2 thunderous roller coaster years together...decided to call me one day 2 years after i had ended the relationship (though i decided to hold on to some "sorted friendship") on my lunch break...break'n down (which he never had done durin' our whole time together) tell'n me that he found out he had some sorta cancer and that the doctors couldn't figer out what it was and he was gonna start chemo...all i had thought then was WAIT! they don't just dole out chemo like it's candy...they have to know what kind of chemo to give you in the first place...however my only response at the time was stunned...

well cuz i only had 20 minutes left on my lunch break and i was a starve'n marvin...nonetheless...i assured him people with cancer live years with the treatments they had available (he was 18 years older than me at the time (i was 42...you do the math smarty pants) anywho'zll'ding...

we kept in contact fer the next 6 month religiously every week fer about an hour talk'n about anything and everything under the sun...he was always good at return'n my calls within minutes if he happened to be preoccupied at the time when i called...though one day i would not here from him all day...so by the next day i would call and leave another message with no response...i kept this up fer 4 weeks wonder'n why all of a sudden did he stop return'n my calls...the only thing that went thru my mind was that he either fergot to pay his cell bill and it got cut off or he changed his number and fergot to save my number in his new cell

then one nite...i found myself all dressed in black...walk'n down a long

 peer to a white beach with the flame'n sun beat'n down on me as i tried to hide my delicate milky white skin under my black laced parasol (what...you don't have one? huh...too bad fer you then!) so all of a sudden i see someone walk'n along the wave lines on the sea and as they got closer it was my Mike...with a smile on his face...he stretched out his arm to me and simply said "hey Matty why don't you come with me for a walk" i replied with my token answer i'd always give'n him whenever he wanted me to do stuff outside under the sun with him "Mike...you know i hate the sun on my skin" his reply to me was "i know Matty...well i gotta go" and i said goodbye while Mike kept on walk'n along the beach...i had turned around and headed up the peer and as i turned around to get one last look to say goodbye...he was gone with the wind and i woke up all of a sudden and completely content that we got to say good bye!

by the time i had made my way to work that morn'n...somethin' told me

 to log his name into google and to my complete and utter surprise...HEMAN had died exactly 1 month prior to the day i had the dream...i do believe that was his way of tell'n me to stop call'n cuz he was no longer pick'n up his cell

my godmother and the closest relation that i had any real connection with

 since my Grama Viola...was my aunt Ellen...who always went way above and beyond fer me fer many many years ever since i was young...by give'n me my 1st sip of beer as a small child and realize'n my palette was made fer a much more refined distillery...take'n me to my 1st trip that i can ever remember outside of my state to South Dakota with her offspring's when i was 11...and lett'n me pick where i wanted to go...just like i was one of her very own kids (i chose Flintstones Park...why not!) and many times i would save up my paper route money or collect'n recyclable cans thru-out my teenage angst years to buy a bus ticket outta dodge to one of her many places she was live'n in at the time and stay with her fer the week

once i had made my way to the Minne-Apple in 1990...we would become 

even closer and go on many walks over the years...from the Mall of Hysteria on the weekends in the winter times with pit stops at our fav-o-rit therapy session...Fat Tuesdays...to replenish our fluids...to many walks around the many parks thru-out the metro area

halloween was always my fav-o-rit time of the year...Ellen even offered to make her tasty potato soup fer my murder mystery party one year...we would spend a good chunk of halloween nites together in my 30's dress'n up and go bar hopp'n in Burnsville before i would hit downtown Minneapolis with my friends...that is until one halloween...when she went out as Hillary Clinton in a cape in 2008 (i'm assume'n the look was a blood suck'n politician she was goin for...not anything against Hillary as she was very much for her) and i was lil red ride'n hooker...however...a lil trip to the boys room to powder my nose and retuck my stuck tuck was a bit of an awkward moment fer the 4 urinal warts unleash'n their belches and bladders and one say'n with a shit grin form'n on his face and lick'n his lips "ma'am yer in the wrong room" to which i replied in my best frog clogged voice "don't worry...you ain't my type" of course his only logical retort was" yer a fuck'n dude?" ummm yea...it was time to go!

Ellen was always one of my most supportive fans come'n to many many of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe performances over my 23 years in the biz at the time...

even make'n it to my last performance 8 years ago when i hosted the official (and highly successful i might add) REBEL HEART party at some shit hole bar in downtown Minnehopeless

we had spent many a holidaze together in one form or another thru-out the years...the last holiday we spent together was at her son's place in Eagan, MN...a friend had tagged along with to help doll her up fer the easter festivities...they hit it off like they'd known each other fer years...goin on like 2 chatty Kathy's

she told me once as a small child if she took care of me at the time...that i would have to take care of her when she needed it later on in life...she would remind me of this from time to time over the years...and i did my best to keep that promise by help'n her out at her board and lodge business she was part owner of...to paint'n and clean'n her condo over the years in Burnsville...that even was featured in a small arty film i wrote fer one of the shows i was part of

one day...8 years back...i was asked to move in and help take care of her

 which the only issue i had was the distance to my work so i mentioned to help sell the condo and find somethin' closer to my work so i wouldn't have to do the long weekly commute (of which i was never a fan of cuz if it took me more than 15 minutes to get to work...i didn't wanna work there) so i set the ball in motion with a mutual friend to help hunt fer new digs that we both could dig

flash forward to 2 years later and i was blind sided as i'm sure she was

one day to hear from her that she was now goin to be put in "a home" that she had zero desire to ever be part of...even more so...once she was moved in their (though she was closer to me) i felt helpless after the talks we would have on the many nites i would stop over after work and go fer a walk around the block...she would only be in the home fer one month when i received a call late one nite that my aunt had passed away under unfortunate circumstances (that she confided in me 4 days prior if one of her offspring's showed up) to say i was complete devastated is a complete understatement...there were no words to describe what was goin thru me that late even'n...i was a complete mute…

 ok...so i thought of one word (sue me) i never seen her pass'n as profit like others in the fam had (their intimidational tactics that was eventually thrown my way was a waste of time and pathetic)

2 weeks would go by and i would be lay'n in bed and would see a bright 

blurry light make'n it's way thru a succession of fast paced black shadows...as the light made it's way thru the shadows...it became more luminescent and all of a sudden i could see it was my aunt Ellen...in a white puffy jacket wear'n her fav-o-rit green hat...walk'n up to the edge of my bed...wave'n with her irish grin on her face and said to me "H-E-L-L-O...how are you?" i remember say'n to her "i had this weird dream that everyone was tell'n me you were dead" then i realized she was really gone and i was wake'n up from a dream inside of a dream...

she walked over to the side of my bed as the shadows kept move'n around her and as the light kept glow'n brighter around her...she leaned down said "don't worry everything is ok...i'm with Eugene" (her eldest brother who was stand'n quietly next to her) and as she leaned into me to give me a hug her body had completely dissipated into a blackness and i woke up...wide awake and completely relieved she was finally ok

HUH...well believe what you wanna believe...i still here from only these 3 off and on over the years so when my time expires i know i'm not worried!

enjoy some spooky tunes by click'n here and GET OFF MY DRESS!

IN THE THICKE OF IT

picture it kittens...the year was 1987 and crème colored organza power 

suits were all the the rage on the big screen when flirt'n with the enemy then subsequently have'n many afternoon rendezvous' with said ringed finger that you would unfortunately have to teach their tike how to make bunny soup with the family pet when you get ignored in "FATAL ATTRACTION"

while on the small screen 2 single bi-leveled dickslingers somehow ended 

up raise'n their one nite stands teenage daughter not know'n who's daughter it really is after the mother's death on NBC's snorefest series that included thee worst POS theme song ever in the history of theme songs "MY TWO DADS" 

and the best butt shaker in the biz from the biggest duo of the 80's group 

WHAM! lead singer GEORGE MICHAEL had finally decided to come outta the closet (sorta speak) into yer bedroom...shake'n his money maker all the way up the charts with "I WANT YOUR SEX" 

and i finally discovered the full glorious mean'n of what "chipp'n yer teeth"

really meant when a classmate who sat behind me 2 rows back in my type'n class was introduced to me thru an old bff (i'll just refer to as KR fer anonymity purposes) who worked with him at the news plantation in my hometown (i'll just refer to him as BT fer anonymity purposes of course since has been over 30 years after all)

so fer a lil back story on BT...he was just yer average non descript raven

haired girbaud jean wear'n teenrager like most back in the day from my recollection when i first locked eyes on him who never really stuck out like an over active STD to me in the slightest (like most of the unfuckable jocks and cheerlead'n whores at the time) 

and since i was already beginn'n to lay the payment on my road to become'n the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...he was zero threat to me...

though i would eventually find out that BT was obsessed with PETE BURNS from the british electro pop group "DEAD OR ALIVE" so he finally was a blip on my radar which only meant he had had some tolerable taste (since i was just as obsessed with PETE myself that year)...

who i found out had lived on his very own already just a block and a half from my shit hole and though we never really crossed paths in school much...i faintly remember feel'n like i was bein watched by someone as i made my way thru the gen pop in the cafeteria on any given day

a few months would pass and me...KR (my bff at the time) and BT would 

hang out cause'n non destructive chaos when we could with our counter parts Trii and Jaq and though BT started to grow on me...it was only cuz he was work'n on my last nerve...anytime i had said i wanted this or that...he went out and got it (to his credit...he was work'n at the time and i was not) it all came to a screech'n halt when i blew up at him one nite when he showed up with the exact PETE BURNS hair extensions that i told him i wanted but couldn't afford which left him runn'n down the middle of the street back home...

well...unfortunately somethin' had awoken in me and it was at that very point that i knew i had gone a bit too far with my acid tongue and needed to rectify the situation asap!

BUTT...move'n on!

a year later as the leaves would begin to dance in the air...i was no longer

under the restraints of the school yard assholes and airheads since it would finally be my 18th bday and i wanted to completely ferget about the last year of torment and torture i had suffered thru so i decided to drop outta school and shortly after BT asked if i wanted to get a movie one nite to watch at his place however i invited KR as my buffer so i didn't have to suffer thru any more awkwardness...i asked KR to borrow his mom's jalopy and pick up our non mobile asses and drive us to the video store downtown so i wouldn't have to Almira Gulch it all the way

while KR decided to wait outside...me and BT went inside the video store

aimlessly meander'n thru the aisles like narcoleptic zombies...up and down the indoor outdoor carpet pick'n up video's with interest'n covers on them before loose'n interest and return'n them back to their rightful space on the shelf til we had finally reached the end of the store and came across the infamous holy grail double swingers at the very hidden back of the rental shop

we both looked at each other and without say'n a word we both decided 

to push our way inside together as if we had just discovered the tomb of the lost souls and though the back room was occupied by only 2 aisles with both sides covered in the filthiest perversions i had ever seen on a plastic VHS coffin...

we both locked eyes like the millennium falcon caught in a tractor beam on the very small section at the very end of the room up against the wall that had about 5 mini shelves of non heterosexual penile propaganda...

and we both ended up agree'n with "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (cuz who doesn't love a good horror dick flick?) starr'n buff blonde bad ass JIM CASSIDY who gets seduced by the powers of voodoo priest BRIAN JOHNSON...a full on interracial facial like i'd never seen before

as BT went to the counter to discretely pay fer our unadulterated purchase

i went outside and jumped in KR's jalopy and practically memorized the floor lay-out plan fer him of the swing doors and all it's contents behind them (he wouldn'tve been able to go inside anyways since he was only 17 at the time) and once BT hopped in the back seat we stopped by the local grocery store in the heat of the nite to get some liquid replenishments and a couple of microwave safe bags contain'n lightly buttered Orville...

what's porn with out popcorn i ask you?

once back at BT's...he had laid out a bean bag from his bedroom atop the 

house he was rent'n from fer me and went back to the "kitchen area" of his live'n room and began to pop the Orville as me and KR discussed how pervy we were bein' until i had read on the box that you had to be 18+ to view...

so like any responsible sexually starved merchant i had informed KR that he was to slip on his penny loafers and leave at once cuz he wasn't old enough to view this pervy production and i wasn't about to be held responsible if the porn police some how showed up knock...knock...knock'n on BT's door (well needless to say KR was miffed and didn't talk to me fer like a whole 24 hrs)

and i mean literally fer the next 60 minutes we both sat in our respected

seat...choked on our salted and lightly buttered kernels of pillow corn and watched intensely the plot of this perversion without say'n a word to each other and when it was all over BT invited me to just crash at his place since it was gett'n late...i told him "ummm i can walk home weirdo i just live down the street" he insisted and drug out a pillow and bed sheet fer me to sleep on next to his front window as he adjourned to the bedroom

a few hours later as i fell into a deep REM sleep i had dreamt that i was 

slipp'n deep down a slide of slipperiness until i suddenly was awoken to find BT give'n me what i guess most would consider a BJ (my very 1st) so like any sexually awkward teenrager...i figered i hadda do my due diligence until our sky rockets went all over the place and trust me when i say...

after our teenrageness that nite...i needed to turn on the wipers in order to see where the H-E-double hockey sticks i had laid my dignity and dungarees (which once found) i immediately jumped into them without say'n a word and skedaddled my plump A double snakes a block and a half home...

and continued to brush me teeth over and over and over like a power washer at a monster truck rally until i had practically wore off all the enamel on them and even though i always knew i was a tulip sniffer since the tender and very supple age of 5... 

flipp'n and pre-dripp'n my days thru the underwear ads of JIM PALMER in the holy bible of fashion at the time (the very massive JC Penny's catalog) back in the early 70's...this was however completely NOT AT ALL what i had envisioned it would be like (the nuns from catholic school years earlier had warned us somethin' would happen as a result from man lay'n down with man and i stupidly believed that this was what she was referr'n to) i knew i was destined to be a pole puffer i just didn't think BT was "THE ONE" (i would have to go back the next nite of course to R-E-A-L-L-Y test this theory...and then again bi-weekly fer the next 4-5 months there after and it turns out...HE WAS)

roughly a year later BT informed me that he would be move'n above a bar 

on the east end of town and goin to WSU fer a photography class and wanted me to be his "muse" since i had gone from a raven glamourpuss to a platinum blonde boytoy (it was all soo MARILYN MONROE of me)

at our 1st session i was just an innocent onlicker (i mean looker) wait...no

i don't...we had been doin the hokey pokey and turn'n ourselves around fer months at this junction in the road so i figered this was BT's way of switch'n it up a bit to keep the roller coaster roll'n and not fall'n off the tracks...and i was ready fer the ride...

though it started out with just close head shots and endless hours of sett'n up the damn lights fer that old hollywierd glamour look he was so desperately try'n to achieve...

eventually it was less and less lights and less and less clothes...which seriously did make me nervous at first (hey i hadda think about my future before it even began and what it would do to my all to soon failed career) then i thought...

hey it never hurt MARILYN's career...

MADONNA managed to make it her mantra fer the masses...

ROSEANNE didn't seem to blink an eye about it... 

even faith healer TAMMY FAYE tried hopp'n on the bus the best she could (though she didn't quite understand the assignment)

i figered since these were my strongest famous female role models durin'

the 80's that i absofuckinglutely adored and they could do it...two tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it...SO CAN I!

once i went full on birthday suit fer the very 1st time in front of all the 

bright lights and fer the happy snappy voyeur behind the camera...all my inhibitions went out the window...that is until BT breathlessly told me after our photo session that he wanted to pop my cherry...somethin' inside my deep seeded religious upbring'n (ok even i'm laugh'n as i type that last statement) all of a sudden i said STOP! do you have any rubbers? 

this was the height of the ongoing AIDS crisis after all and unfortunately my spidey senses would deny him entrance even though he asked me numerous times...

i just told my horny Hubble that i wanted to keep the things just the way they were!

roughly 3 months later my world was rocked when BT would ask me to be

the best man at his wedd'n? UMMM WEDD'N? WTF??? i was absolutely shocked and had zero clue he was a teeter totter throat plunger (apparently i was just his sexual experiment) needless to say we drifted sooo far apart after his outlandish request that i had moved to a completely new area code to erase any memory of him

with the birth of FB...20 years later i would get a request outta the far far

far left field from my snappy happy photographer who was still married to the same person and now informed me he had added to his family and was live'n in TX...i was no longer miffed at him since i had had many numerous failed flings since him and told BT it would be cool to meet up if we ever crossed paths again fer cocktails...little did i know (but not surprised) he suggested that we "revisit" the old days once again if we ever happened to be in the same city and he sent me his personal cell number to keep in contact with him

now listen...i'm not one to play judge or jury into anyone's relationship 

issues or non issues...however...i canceled my subscription to mine a long time ago and had zero desire to renew it fer another year or more (though secretly who doesn't wish at times that they owned a delorean to do things a lil differently?)

randomly me and BT would have tawdry text'n back and forth fer the next

4/5 years off and on then things just went back to the way it once was after he married which i was just fine with it to be perfectly honest (it was always one sided anyways and i didn't need another reason to get carpal tunnel) about 5 or 6 years or so later i would receive a text from a friend outta the blue recently inform’n me  that BT had suddenly passed away...way too soon!

though you spend yer whole life try'na find a sympathetic ex that you can

at the very least be civil enough with fer communicational purposes from time to time until you find another excuse to fill that void...you WILL NEVER forget yer 1st! now GET OFF MY DRESS!