IN THE THICKE OF IT

picture it kittens...the year was 1987 and crème colored organza power 

suits were all the the rage on the big screen when flirt'n with the enemy then subsequently have'n many afternoon rendezvous' with said ringed finger that you would unfortunately have to teach their tike how to make bunny soup with the family pet when you get ignored in "FATAL ATTRACTION"

while on the small screen 2 single bi-leveled dickslingers somehow ended 

up raise'n their one nite stands teenage daughter not know'n who's daughter it really is after the mother's death on NBC's snorefest series that included thee worst POS theme song ever in the history of theme songs "MY TWO DADS" 

and the best butt shaker in the biz from the biggest duo of the 80's group 

WHAM! lead singer GEORGE MICHAEL had finally decided to come outta the closet (sorta speak) into yer bedroom...shake'n his money maker all the way up the charts with "I WANT YOUR SEX" 

and i finally discovered the full glorious mean'n of what "chipp'n yer teeth"

really meant when a classmate who sat behind me 2 rows back in my type'n class was introduced to me thru an old bff (i'll just refer to as KR fer anonymity purposes) who worked with him at the news plantation in my hometown (i'll just refer to him as BT fer anonymity purposes of course since has been over 30 years after all)

so fer a lil back story on BT...he was just yer average non descript raven

haired girbaud jean wear'n teenrager like most back in the day from my recollection when i first locked eyes on him who never really stuck out like an over active STD to me in the slightest (like most of the unfuckable jocks and cheerlead'n whores at the time) 

and since i was already beginn'n to lay the payment on my road to become'n the pre-unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe...he was zero threat to me...

though i would eventually find out that BT was obsessed with PETE BURNS from the british electro pop group "DEAD OR ALIVE" so he finally was a blip on my radar which only meant he had had some tolerable taste (since i was just as obsessed with PETE myself that year)...

who i found out had lived on his very own already just a block and a half from my shit hole and though we never really crossed paths in school much...i faintly remember feel'n like i was bein watched by someone as i made my way thru the gen pop in the cafeteria on any given day

a few months would pass and me...KR (my bff at the time) and BT would 

hang out cause'n non destructive chaos when we could with our counter parts Trii and Jaq and though BT started to grow on me...it was only cuz he was work'n on my last nerve...anytime i had said i wanted this or that...he went out and got it (to his credit...he was work'n at the time and i was not) it all came to a screech'n halt when i blew up at him one nite when he showed up with the exact PETE BURNS hair extensions that i told him i wanted but couldn't afford which left him runn'n down the middle of the street back home...

well...unfortunately somethin' had awoken in me and it was at that very point that i knew i had gone a bit too far with my acid tongue and needed to rectify the situation asap!

BUTT...move'n on!

a year later as the leaves would begin to dance in the air...i was no longer

under the restraints of the school yard assholes and airheads since it would finally be my 18th bday and i wanted to completely ferget about the last year of torment and torture i had suffered thru so i decided to drop outta school and shortly after BT asked if i wanted to get a movie one nite to watch at his place however i invited KR as my buffer so i didn't have to suffer thru any more awkwardness...i asked KR to borrow his mom's jalopy and pick up our non mobile asses and drive us to the video store downtown so i wouldn't have to Almira Gulch it all the way

while KR decided to wait outside...me and BT went inside the video store

aimlessly meander'n thru the aisles like narcoleptic zombies...up and down the indoor outdoor carpet pick'n up video's with interest'n covers on them before loose'n interest and return'n them back to their rightful space on the shelf til we had finally reached the end of the store and came across the infamous holy grail double swingers at the very hidden back of the rental shop

we both looked at each other and without say'n a word we both decided 

to push our way inside together as if we had just discovered the tomb of the lost souls and though the back room was occupied by only 2 aisles with both sides covered in the filthiest perversions i had ever seen on a plastic VHS coffin...

we both locked eyes like the millennium falcon caught in a tractor beam on the very small section at the very end of the room up against the wall that had about 5 mini shelves of non heterosexual penile propaganda...

and we both ended up agree'n with "DESIRES OF THE DEVIL" (cuz who doesn't love a good horror dick flick?) starr'n buff blonde bad ass JIM CASSIDY who gets seduced by the powers of voodoo priest BRIAN JOHNSON...a full on interracial facial like i'd never seen before

as BT went to the counter to discretely pay fer our unadulterated purchase

i went outside and jumped in KR's jalopy and practically memorized the floor lay-out plan fer him of the swing doors and all it's contents behind them (he wouldn'tve been able to go inside anyways since he was only 17 at the time) and once BT hopped in the back seat we stopped by the local grocery store in the heat of the nite to get some liquid replenishments and a couple of microwave safe bags contain'n lightly buttered Orville...

what's porn with out popcorn i ask you?

once back at BT's...he had laid out a bean bag from his bedroom atop the 

house he was rent'n from fer me and went back to the "kitchen area" of his live'n room and began to pop the Orville as me and KR discussed how pervy we were bein' until i had read on the box that you had to be 18+ to view...

so like any responsible sexually starved merchant i had informed KR that he was to slip on his penny loafers and leave at once cuz he wasn't old enough to view this pervy production and i wasn't about to be held responsible if the porn police some how showed up knock...knock...knock'n on BT's door (well needless to say KR was miffed and didn't talk to me fer like a whole 24 hrs)

and i mean literally fer the next 60 minutes we both sat in our respected

seat...choked on our salted and lightly buttered kernels of pillow corn and watched intensely the plot of this perversion without say'n a word to each other and when it was all over BT invited me to just crash at his place since it was gett'n late...i told him "ummm i can walk home weirdo i just live down the street" he insisted and drug out a pillow and bed sheet fer me to sleep on next to his front window as he adjourned to the bedroom

a few hours later as i fell into a deep REM sleep i had dreamt that i was 

slipp'n deep down a slide of slipperiness until i suddenly was awoken to find BT give'n me what i guess most would consider a BJ (my very 1st) so like any sexually awkward teenrager...i figered i hadda do my due diligence until our sky rockets went all over the place and trust me when i say...

after our teenrageness that nite...i needed to turn on the wipers in order to see where the H-E-double hockey sticks i had laid my dignity and dungarees (which once found) i immediately jumped into them without say'n a word and skedaddled my plump A double snakes a block and a half home...

and continued to brush me teeth over and over and over like a power washer at a monster truck rally until i had practically wore off all the enamel on them and even though i always knew i was a tulip sniffer since the tender and very supple age of 5... 

flipp'n and pre-dripp'n my days thru the underwear ads of JIM PALMER in the holy bible of fashion at the time (the very massive JC Penny's catalog) back in the early 70's...this was however completely NOT AT ALL what i had envisioned it would be like (the nuns from catholic school years earlier had warned us somethin' would happen as a result from man lay'n down with man and i stupidly believed that this was what she was referr'n to) i knew i was destined to be a pole puffer i just didn't think BT was "THE ONE" (i would have to go back the next nite of course to R-E-A-L-L-Y test this theory...and then again bi-weekly fer the next 4-5 months there after and it turns out...HE WAS)

roughly a year later BT informed me that he would be move'n above a bar 

on the east end of town and goin to WSU fer a photography class and wanted me to be his "muse" since i had gone from a raven glamourpuss to a platinum blonde boytoy (it was all soo MARILYN MONROE of me)

at our 1st session i was just an innocent onlicker (i mean looker) wait...no

i don't...we had been doin the hokey pokey and turn'n ourselves around fer months at this junction in the road so i figered this was BT's way of switch'n it up a bit to keep the roller coaster roll'n and not fall'n off the tracks...and i was ready fer the ride...

though it started out with just close head shots and endless hours of sett'n up the damn lights fer that old hollywierd glamour look he was so desperately try'n to achieve...

eventually it was less and less lights and less and less clothes...which seriously did make me nervous at first (hey i hadda think about my future before it even began and what it would do to my all to soon failed career) then i thought...

hey it never hurt MARILYN's career...

MADONNA managed to make it her mantra fer the masses...

ROSEANNE didn't seem to blink an eye about it... 

even faith healer TAMMY FAYE tried hopp'n on the bus the best she could (though she didn't quite understand the assignment)

i figered since these were my strongest famous female role models durin'

the 80's that i absofuckinglutely adored and they could do it...two tears in a bucket...mutha fuck it...SO CAN I!

once i went full on birthday suit fer the very 1st time in front of all the 

bright lights and fer the happy snappy voyeur behind the camera...all my inhibitions went out the window...that is until BT breathlessly told me after our photo session that he wanted to pop my cherry...somethin' inside my deep seeded religious upbring'n (ok even i'm laugh'n as i type that last statement) all of a sudden i said STOP! do you have any rubbers? 

this was the height of the ongoing AIDS crisis after all and unfortunately my spidey senses would deny him entrance even though he asked me numerous times...

i just told my horny Hubble that i wanted to keep the things just the way they were!

roughly 3 months later my world was rocked when BT would ask me to be

the best man at his wedd'n? UMMM WEDD'N? WTF??? i was absolutely shocked and had zero clue he was a teeter totter throat plunger (apparently i was just his sexual experiment) needless to say we drifted sooo far apart after his outlandish request that i had moved to a completely new area code to erase any memory of him

with the birth of FB...20 years later i would get a request outta the far far

far left field from my snappy happy photographer who was still married to the same person and now informed me he had added to his family and was live'n in TX...i was no longer miffed at him since i had had many numerous failed flings since him and told BT it would be cool to meet up if we ever crossed paths again fer cocktails...little did i know (but not surprised) he suggested that we "revisit" the old days once again if we ever happened to be in the same city and he sent me his personal cell number to keep in contact with him

now listen...i'm not one to play judge or jury into anyone's relationship 

issues or non issues...however...i canceled my subscription to mine a long time ago and had zero desire to renew it fer another year or more (though secretly who doesn't wish at times that they owned a delorean to do things a lil differently?)

randomly me and BT would have tawdry text'n back and forth fer the next

4/5 years off and on then things just went back to the way it once was after he married which i was just fine with it to be perfectly honest (it was always one sided anyways and i didn't need another reason to get carpal tunnel) about 5 or 6 years or so later i would receive a text from a friend outta the blue recently inform’n me  that BT had suddenly passed away...way too soon!

though you spend yer whole life try'na find a sympathetic ex that you can

at the very least be civil enough with fer communicational purposes from time to time until you find another excuse to fill that void...you WILL NEVER forget yer 1st! now GET OFF MY DRESS!

AND THE WINNER IS?

as far as competitions go....i was never really a huge fan of them at all

cuz when ya break'em down in the end they're just basically a popularity contest meant to break down those that our fucked up societal standards deem less than the worthy of praise...though thankfully there's always that ONE unfeckless freak in the crowd that shoots out in the end like a silver bullet kill'n the feckless cookie cutter crowded competition...and that is the one that will ALWAYS get my vote!

so it's that time of the year when all of hollyweirds glitzkriegs and glamour 

toads plump up their non existent pout and tout their tired tush and waxed bush down the red carpets from the INDIES to the OSCARS to give another vomit indulgent acceptance speech and squeeze out a single tear to thunderous applause then grab as many free fancy schmancy swag bags as possible in case their last movie bombed and the studio heads make a stop payment on their check

though personally fer me...it's really all about after the ooh so many many

uninvited invitations that i'm sure were simply lost in the mail fer me to ignore except fer the one that i always anxiously anticipate gett'n each and every year to hopefully get a ticket to attend the view'n party at my fav-o-rit rest stop fer some mouth water'n olive tapenade sunbathin' on some deliciously rustic italian sourdough bread and wash'n it down with a slightly chilled glass combo of champagne and chambord with a couple of plump raspberries pirouette'n gallantly to the bottom of the flute glass amongst an array of other deliciously orphaned frostbit nibbly's chipped outta the freezer from the previous holiday soirée thru-out the vote'n process...this of course is non negotiable so tick tock PEETRINELLA...T-I-C-K-T-O-C-K!

however somethin' more my cup of award tea is really just on the ROCKS!

more specifically THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME where we as the human race can really make or break some bad ass with their pipes and place'n them in the musical archives of history!

BUTT trust me...this years nominations HAVE NOT disappointed me in the slightest!

first outta the gate is my fav-o-rit off the wall spit fire silver bullet with a 4

octave range from the golden age of the Mtv era who came from the streets of Brooklyn...born CYNTHIA ANN STEPHANIE LAUPER in 1953 she would eventually be known to world simply as CYNDI LAUPER with her famous flame red locks...her colorful consignment shop clothing style and her effervescent personality...CYNDI was a force thru-out the 80's that still shines bright after 40+ years in the biz

CYNDI began her musical journey in the updated 60’s style new wavy 

pop band BLUE ANGEL in 1979 and released their self titled debut album in 1980 with hits like

"I'M GONNA BE STRONG" 

 "I HAD A LOVE" 

and "LATE" before the band disbanded and CYNDI made her mark as an international solo sensation

debut'n her 1st record as a solo artist in 1984 with "SHE'S SO UNUSUAL" where CYNDI would make history by become'n the 1st woman to ever have 4 top 5 hits on the Billboard 100 charts from a debut album with the debut track written and recorded by ROBERT HAZARD in 1979 

though it wasn't until CYNDI rerecorded and released it in 1984 where it became the universal smash party anthem fer girls everywhere around the world with "GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN"

scoop'n up the best new artist at the GRAMMY'S in 1985 

then release'n the infectious quirky theme song "GOONIES R GOOD ENOUGH" to the teenrager Spielberg flick "THE GOONIES" that same year

CYNDI would release 10 more albums include'n an album of new and old 

holidazed classics ...

starrin' as psychic SYLVIA PICKEL in the 1988 romantic adventure "VIBES" among many other movie and tv appearances

then from book shelves to BROADWAY...CYNDI  LAUPER has put in her time and deserves to be inducted into the ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME

enjoy my Spotify mix while yer bake'n a bunt cake

my 2nd place vote goes to the british mate who showed off his assets

better than anyone else in the 80's...born GEORGIOS KYRIACOS PANAYIOTO in East Finchley, Middlesex England in 1963...it would only take 18 years later in 1981 to be known as 

GEORGE MICHAEL from the 80's super bubble gum pop duo WHAM! with their infectious hit "WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO GO"

WHAM! would only release 2 albums "FANTASTIC" and "MAKE IT BIG"

before GEORGE would call it quits to become a global sensation with his sexually infused money make'n hips on his debut album "FAITH" in 1987 sitting in the top 10 on Billboard charts fer 51 weeks spinn'n out #1 hits like "FAITH" "I WANT YER SEX" and "FATHER FIGURE"

i still remember buss'n my plump A double snakes to the Minne-Apple

in 1989 just to see him shake his live at the St Paul Civic Center only to find out after i had purchased a pepsi and a tour book i had no money left over to get back to my cuz'ns in the Minne-Apple so i sat outside the venue by the bus ramp try'n to hop a ride with anyone that could feel my personal predicament with no takers hear'n my pleas...that is until 2 hours after the show ended and i noticed a bus parade pull out from beneath the stadium and the last bus stopped at the top of the ramp and all of a sudden the doors opened and out popped the one i always wanted to pop my cherry in the worst way...GEORGE looked at me and said "can i help you with a ride mate?" and somehow i suddenly turned into some Helen Keller mute freak and couldn't mutter out a single word so after a few seconds (what seemed like a lifetime fer me) he went back into his bus and i kick myself to this very day how i possibly COULD HAVE BEEN MISS FUCK'N GEORGE MICHEAL!

by GEORGE's 2nd solo release "LISTEN WITHOUT PREJUDICE" in 1990

GEORGE no longer had the desire to be every man or woman's desire nor his record companies prostitute and refused to show his image on the album cover or the videos for "FREEDOM 90" opt'n instead to showcase the supermodels of the world at the time lyp-sync'n to his music

in 1998 GEORGE want'n to just bust his nut in the privacy of some L.A

lavatory however he would end up just gett'n busted by some under cover LAPD nonetheless GEORGE would turn his innocent indiscretion into the  unapologetic disco hit "OUTDSIDE" which was released later that same year on his album "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" the BEST of GEORGE MICHAEL"

GEORGE would release a total of 5 studio albums with "PATIENCE"

bein his last in 2004 that garnered the futuristic hits "FREEEK!" and the up-tempo ditty dedicated to his dearest bf at the time "AMAZING"  (that incidentally should’a been about me if i had control of my cognitive senses & hopped on his damn bus in ‘89)

GEORGE had many personal demons he had to deal with thru his career

and unfortunately the musical world would loose a true genius on Christmas day in 2016 though his posthumous nomination is a well deserved and much warranted honor fer this musical icon

enjoy my Spotify mix on yer next road trip

CATHERINE BUSH was born in 1958 in Bexleyheath, Kent England

and by 1978 at the age of 19 KATE BUSH (whom she now would be known as) release'd her debut single "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" become'n the 1st UK female artist to write and record a number 1 hit fer the charts

KATE would go on to release 25 top 40 UK hits with a handful become'n 

top 10 hits like "BABOOSHKA" in 1980...

and "RUNNING UP THAT HILL" in 1985 

which would once again make KATE a household name 37 years after it's release with her hit become'n the pinnacle song in the dark teenrager series "STRANGER THINGS" and why she deserves yer vote today...come on gen Z kittens...be apart of history by putt'n KATE down in the musical history archives

SHERYL SUZANNE CROW made her debut in the 1962 and by 1993 

the natural blue eyed beauty would drop her middle name all together and debut the eclectic rocker chick hidden inside her known as SHERYL CROW popp'n out a string of top 10 hits thru-out the 90's and the early 2000's like "ALL I WANNA DO" "STRONG ENOUGH" and "IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY"

on top of release'n 11 studio albums...SHERYL contributed to many many

movie soundtracks include'n 2 songs to the oscar nominated flick "ERIN BROCOVICH" with her duet with JOHNNY CASH "REDEMPTION DAY" and the films end'n number "EVERYDAY IS A WINDING ROAD" so SHERYL is worthy of my vote at #4

and last but certainly not the least was born a year after me in 1971...hail'n

from Portsmouth, VA...MELISSA ARNETTE ELLIOT began her career in the early 90's with R&B group SISTA until embark'n on her solo career in '97 and would become MISSY "MISDEMEANOR" ELLIOT with her debut album "SUPA DUPA FLY" which spawned the hit "SOCK IT 2 ME" make'n her the 1st female rapper to shoot to the highest spot at #3 on the Billboard 200 at the time

by 2001 MISSY's 3rd album "MISS E...SO ADDICTIVE" was by far thee

best work she had released to the universe at that point and had me addicted when MISSY released her 1st infectious single "GET UR FREAK ON" which was followed up by her premature ejaculatory duet with LUDACRIS "ONE MINUTE MAN" both burn'n up the dance floor 

release'n her 6th and final album "THE COOKBOOK" in 2005...MISSY

would move from the small screen to the big screen...appear'n in many television guest spots bein' a mentor on the 9th season of "THE VOICE" in 2015 and lend'n her voice on the off beat comedy cartoon "AMERICAN DAD!" as YOYO in 2016 

also lend'n her vocals on the remake of 70's hit "CAR WASH" with CHRISTINA AGUELERA in the animated fish flick "SHARK TALES" in 2004

even rework'n and rapp'n along side the QUEEN OF THE DANCE FLOOR in a commercial fer GAP jeans in 2003 to M's 1985 smash hit "INTO THE GROOVE" which in my eyes is an automatic reason MISSY needs to be in the ROCK AND ROLL hall of fame PRONTO!

well there ya have it kittens...my top 5 picks fer the ROCK AND ROLL 

HALL OF FAME inductions...you can vote in yer fav everyday until april 28th...so give kudo's where they belong...perhaps you even agree with my absofuckinlutely fab choices...if not...

then GET OFF MY DRESS!