2 tears in the bucket?...FUCK IT!

everyone has dreams and wishes...or hopefully most have at the very least one....about a plethora of many many things that they'd wish for if they...

had the chance...whether it be winn'n the lotto...or rubb'n out their own Jeanie...to come true

this list usually consists of things that are either attainable...affordable and sometimes...even asinine...but none the less...these are yer very own accomplishments that you wanna get credit for doin' or purchase'n...before you kick that almighty can

so one of my ever dearly (and thankfully) undeparted friends...

Mrs. "Who Cares...I OWN A STORE" Werner...came up with this concept awhile back...simply entitled..."THE FUCK IT LIST"

now don't get this confused with that lil black book of names and gold stars you've been carry'n around in yer back pocket fer a rainy day kitten...oh no no no no NO!

this list basically is the anti BUCKET LIST...mean'n that...it's stuff yer just ain't ever gonna do before you die...regardless of the peer pressure

i thought about it long and hard (and NO i wasn't at the time...you dirty lil bird!) so without further ado... here is my top 10  FUCK IT! LIST:

10. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna bungee jump...EVER!...so don't ask me!

i've experienced vertigo one too many times dur'in my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe career...and like i've always said...

if i wanna get a rush outta bein' high..i'll just add another inch to my heels!

9. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna swim in the big blue ocean...

    as long as there are ANY sea creatures in them...

if i can't see the bottom...i'm not gett'n in...sorry charlie

8. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna jump outta a plane...

    with or without a parachute...not on my life!

7. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna set sails on the mighty sea...

 i have never been a fan of seafood...nor do i ever wanna become seafood...EVER!

6. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna feel scalpel to skin...fer vanity reasons

well...lemme clarify...if by some chance...i just happened to trip and fall unconsciously onto a cosmetic gurney dur'in my Blanch Devereaux years...and become youthinized fer a few hours...is that really MY FAULT?...but i fer damn sure ain't gonna be clipp'n no damn coupons or download'n any BOGO deals from the internet...thanx to 80's heartthrob Mickey Rourke...who went from fuckable to forgettable

but i heard he's been give'n a 2nd chance with hollyweird...and just landed the lead role in the live action christmas classic...play'n the Heat Miser...good fer him

5. FUCK IT!...i'm never ever gonna get a pet snake....

there's is no way i ever want to wake up from one of my many narcoleptic naps...to find some large ass slither'n snake between my legs...

WAIT...lemme me clarify that one fer ya!

4. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna fake-n-bake my body...

    just to look like a baboon's ass...it's just not happen'n!...i like my smooth supple alabasterized ass the way it is

3. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna have a pussy fer a house pet...

ever since me dearly departed friend Jeanie...who spent a large portion of her adult life try'n to snag a sympathetic husband...in the end...had a brain aneurism in her late early 40's watch'n tv one day...and when the paramedics found her 3 days later in the hot summer sun...her cat Luna was gnaw'n at her toes...ended up gett'n eaten by a pussy and she wasn't even a lesbian to begin with

2. FUCK IT!...i'm never gonna participate in the runn'n of the bull...

    how does that old say'n go? FUCK with the bull...yer gonna get the horns...this guy is fucked...and not in the good way

and the numbero uno FUCK IT!

Drummond roll over in yer grave pleez...

1. FUCK IT!...i'm just neva eva gonna eat raw sushi...EEEEW!...

      it's just sooo unnatural and creepy...to me! 

(this does not mean i don't love the QUEEN any less)

there you have it kittens...this concludes my FUCK IT! list...fer now...

make yer own unfun and unfabulous list...and FUCK IT!...get of my dress!

a RIVERS runs thru it

to think there was a time when a woman could not even mutter the word

A-B-O-R-T-I-O-N on tv...let alone tell'n her audience that she was 7 months prego

the 1st QUEEN of late nite with her memorable tag line "CAN WE TALK?"

and her own personal punch line to all the plastic surgery procedures...JOAN RIVERS was a hurricane of hilarity that never held back when it came to make'n people laugh...whether it was over triumphs or tragedies...include'n her own...Joan could whip out the one-liners faster than a porn stars prick...

"i don't exercise...if G*D wanted me to bend over...he would have put diamonds on the floor"

"i'm no cook...when i want lemon on chicken...i spray it with pledge"

"i've had so much plastic surgery...when i die...they will donate my body to tupperware"

her razor sharp red carpet reviews cut thru celebrities like a disgruntled employee of ISIS...pave'n the way fer many many "in yer face" female comics in a very dominated male profession from the start

gett'n her biggest break in 1965 seal'n her fate as the QUEEN of comedy

starr'n as a guest on the king of late night JOHNNY CARSON

by 1983 become'n the 1st woman ever to fill in as the late night host...

pre-plastic surgery of course with many guests...include'n a very young  BOY GEORGE

then starred as the 1st ever female late night talk show host in 1986...

"THE LATE SHOW STARRING JOAN RIVERS"....with the ever loveable PEE WEE HERMAN

a historian of humorous ramblin's...and author of many many books...

include'n "MEN ARE STUPID...AND THEY LIKE BIG BOOBS"..."I HATE EVERYONE...STARTING WITH ME" and her last gem "DIARY OF A MAD DIVA"...Joan told it exactly how it was...PC was never part of her recipe to penn'n a juicy book...

much like the STD test'n requirements fer "massage therapists" ads in the back of all those the local city pages

starr'n in the 1987 1/2 a block buster intergalactic parody "SPACEBALLS"

as the droid of honor DOT MATRIX

then in 1990 the made fer tv fluff "HOW TO MURDER A MILLIONAIRE"

as Beverly Hills housewife IRMA SUMMERS

2010 was the perfect tribute to the legend's life in "A PIECE OF WORK"

starr'n as herself...lett'n it all hang out...from her midday yaps to her vaginal flaps

QVC was part of her billion dollar biz fer over 20 years that sold a plethora

of colorful costume crap fer all occasions...Joan made millions of lonely agoraphobics around the world feel a lil less unattractive and a lil more bankrupt...sadly though...

a lot of Indonesian children will be gett'n their pink slips

host and top cop of couture on the highly rated show FASHION POLICE

who managed to criticize and correctly identify more red carpet disasters than F.E.M.A. did durin' Hurricane Katrina...will make about as much sense stay'n on the air now as...

Paris Hilton identify'n and correctly spell'n all her STD's in order

Mrs. Rivers even found time to chat before her metamucil martini kicked in

with her hysterical informational highway web series..."IN BED WITH JOAN"...the best one by far was when she was hamm'n it up with RUPAUL DRAG RACE SUPERSTAR season 6 winner and hilariously raunchy BIANCA DEL RIO

the world will miss June Allison's nemesis but Joan will have the last laugh

"at my funeral...i want MERYL STREEP crying in 5 different accents" 

now get off my dress!