in december of ‘94…while visit’n her now new famous hang-out at the time…on a friday nite…with her now new best friend at the time…Lew… KRYSTAL had another chance meet’n with the newest matriarch and show director of the GAY 90’s…Dee Richards.
Dee was a presence within a presence…the complete essence of the consummate performer…drown’n in fabulously tailored glittered gowns…jewels dripp’n from ear to ear…and hair as huge as a funeral bouquet
KRYSTAL happened to have a pic of her as a disco devil from the christmas party she attended at the Hilton from the previous weekend where she had been work’n …among 3 other jobs at the time…to show her friend Lew who borrowed the picture and said he’d be back in a minute
4 minutes later…KRYSTAL was summoned backstage by Lew to meet Dee in her den…and was asked by Dee “who did yer make-up?”…to which KRYSTAL …a bit awed…shyly replied “ummm…me!”
KRYSTAL was hired on the spot!
with help from her biggest fan and former fag hag…Jess had pushed the apprehensive KRYSTAL into the world of glitter and glamour…take’n on the temporary role as KRYSTAL’s stage hag…give’n KRYSTAL pointers on how to walk…wiggle and most of all…command the audience as if she were the leader of an evil dominion
2 months later…on friday february 3rd 1995…KRYSTAL KLEER joined the cast of exceptionally outstand’n talented perform’n illusionists DEE RICHARDS…CAMILLE COLLINS…TIFFANY CARTIER…CEE CEE RUSSELL…KENDRA BLAKE…ROXY MARQUIS…NINA DeANGELO…JUSTICE COUNTS…TONYA LEE RANDALL…XENA SEVERE…and a yet unknown MISS R (pause for commercial break)
"are you tired if wash’n skid marks from yer monkey luva’s britches? get him the gift you’ve always wanted…A-NUL B-GONE WAX…to rid yer trained monkey luva of that unruly amazon jungle grow’n between his derry air valley…simply apply a generous amount of A-NUL B-GONE WAX against the grain of the problem areas…lay pre-cut cloth strip on top of A-NUL B-GONE WAX layer...press firmly and hold fer 10 seconds…then gently hold skin taunt as you pull in opposite direction quickly as if open’n yer 100th pull tap after yer 10th can of red bull…to take down that follicle forest that leaves bacon bits and tire treads on his tighty whiteys…make’n him smooth and red as a baboon’s ass!...in original…lemon meadows…and all new pomegranate paradise scents!”
and now back to KRYSTAL KLEER: BEHIND THE BEAUTY pt.2
known only as her given name MATTRESS at the time…for roughly 3 months…MATTRESS shined like a beacon of light…titillate’n and tantalize’n the audience 2 nites a week…until she was told by DEE to come up with a more presentable stage name...since MATTRESS was...get this...too flat!
co-workers at her gym helped out with typical cliche'ic perform'n illusionists names like Anita Dix...Helen Heels...Penny Tration...Shandy Leer...but Mattress wanted somethin' more crystal clear for herself and accidentally but perfectly came up with her own moniker with a little tweak'n
she was christened by another performer…the amazing Roxy Marquis…as the “artist formerly known as MATTRESS…MISS KRYSTAL KLEER”…(thanx in part to another somewhat more popular minnesotan celebrity at the time)…who later became to be known simply as just “KRYSTAL KLEER” (spelt with a special K)
Krystal had lit up the stage with her open’n performance of Ann Margret’s “13 men and me”…and with pen to paper…made that giant X to the top of her bucket list…and an unintentional internationally unknown perform’n illusionist of the universe was born!
perform’n to mainly her fav-o-rit hits from the 80’s… KRYSTAL decided to go out on a limb and challenge her abilities as a performer…and asked fellow performer XENA to do a duet with her…since the 2 performers were similar in outrageous style…to which XENA replied “thanx hun…but i think you need more experience”
the first diva punch and back-stabs of many KRYSTAL would endure thru-out her roller coaster ride of fame thru-out the 90’s until it came crash’n down after an amazing trip to the big apple for the 1st time…
in the summer of ‘97… KRYSTAL was flown to oprahville…where she collected her $50 appearance fee on the now defunct popular afternoon talk show…”Jenny Jones” (before that guy was shot)…and was greeted with cheers and jeers as she walked the runway with a pint-sized model with a napolean complex...and was majorly hit on by the desperately-to-be-famous-again…Jim J. Bullock
that same year… KRYSTAL was asked to join a newly formed perform’n comedy troupe with past performers she had crossed paths with since the beginn’n of her fame…the zany BARBIE Q …the incredible french singer RHODA…the smoke'n hot announcer DOUG and MISS R
ready to put the bar life behind her…KRYSTAL wanted to perform in more upscale shows…with more attractive pay’n crowds that would pay attention to her instead of their cocktail…so she joined the troupe and performed to packed crowds almost every nite…
KRYSTAL stayed with the troupe all the way to new york…and after a 10 hour flight…landed in the big apple in the summer of 2000 for the Toyota Comedy Festival…where she appeared on the TODAY show with then co-host Katie Couric and Matt Lauer…got snubbed by AL Roker…crossed paths with famed new york perform’n illusionist JOEY ARIAS and world famous DJ Junior Vasquez…in a downtown packed nite club called TWILO
the festival and trip was a success and KRYSTAL was ready to go back to the minne-apple and perfect her craft
though told she would have a long run by the troupe’s leader…KRYSTAL was given a very short run of 3 shows once return’n back to the minne-apple…and removed herself from the show completely only after one performance…
appear’n in 2 very low budget…but above porn budget…movies…play’n a club kid in “HOMO HEIGHTS”…and a prostitute in an untitled…unreleased film…perform’n at numerous AIDS charity events and the occasional tacky bar show thru-out the tri-state area…Krystal could feel the bulbs burn’n out in her star and decided she had endured enough divatude from certain performers and hung up her heels for good…that is…until she got BITCH
slapped…8 years later!
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