what's yer worth?

well now that the most celebrated holigayz season is finally completed

it's time to get back to life as usual...iron'n out my troubled trysts and write'n thank you letters to all my over-rated STD's

trust me...like my smartass phone that decides to pull a jihad on me about every 3 hrs...i'm over it...as much as i'm over you...but more about that another time...at this point in the monopoly of life...i figered...

i've passed GO so many times without collect'n my $200...that i realized i was start'n to pass my prime time...and it was about time that i got exactly what i wanted fer some change a change...so there i was...starve'n fer a marvin one even'n...(hey...it had been a whole 5 days)...and i was in no mood to bob fer blue balls...so i said to myself...i said self...why not just order some taco john?...you'd get exactly what ya paid for...without have'n to order a side of free phony compliments just fer a desperate return visit...besides...i'd never had spanish rice...it could be nice...but would it be worth the price?

as i meticulously searched thru my back issues of TOOTH CHIPPERS magazine...like a contestant who just solved the puzzle on the wheel of sexually frustrated fortune and was ready to pick the perfect prick from the throat gagg'n gallery of goodies...it got me to think'n fer just a minute...

how it all began?...from how it used to be...to how it is today?...how does one really set their base pay?

let's cue up the David Lee Roth hit and take a long lonely trip down male hookerville

y'all know of course...the 2 most famous power bottoms in history...

 were Roman emperors Caesar and Nero...both declare'n concubines caretakers fer their own sexual appetite on those cold lonely nites...but what most people don't know is...this was also where the origin of the term "royally fucked" originated from

by the time we hit the 15th century in Florence (Jean Castleberry) Italy

it was not uncommon fer young trollops between the ages of 

TRANSFORMERS addicts to transform'n themselves...

 gett'n tied up in some twisted tawdry love affair with a swiss bank account wealthy ancient relic with enough riches to keep them in new britches...til of course...thee under the covers lover gets bored with ride'n the wrinkled willy and spills the beans...along with his dignity...to the closest publish'n company

durin' the middle of the 16th century in Kawasaki Country...

kabuki theater was a treasure trove of high priced male hussies sought after by both male and female patrons fer their exquisite and appropriate applications of the correct base...lips gloss and eye liner...

even buddhists and samurai warriors were into tag team'n many of their "apprentices"...fer educational purposes only of course

by the turn of the 19th century...both Europe and North America...

were turn'n out sweet transvestites faster than jail time to jihads...also known as "fairies"...they were the latest "must have" accessory in the fall season from brothels to saloons with a "backdoor"...some even work'n in female brothels as an "exotic offer'n" fer their male clientele

the GREAT DEPRESSION wasn't really about a crippled economy...oh no

the greatest tragedy from that era of course...was the birth of the "str8 act'n and appear'n" non heterosexual hustlers as well as non homosexual hustlers...take'n over the brothel's and backrooms of the Hurry Back Inn that once were dominated by the flame'n fairies and muscle mary's with a sense of savoir faire...all the way from new york to new mexico...as a means to justify their blatant sexual sissification

from the sexual revolution of the 70's...til the heydays of...

Prince and the Revolution in the 80's...most cracked out casanova's came thru the drive up windows of lonely out-of-town toads look'n to "explore" all the city had to offer...by dole'n out a hefty offer of their own

but now...thanx to the birth of pop-up porn sites...GRINDR and SCRUFF

stocks have plummeted to an all time low fer the work'n ho'...with easy accessibility to pick'n yer prick without all those high prices...though yer spinn'n the roulette wheel these days with the free gift with purchase...that usually takes about 3-6 weeks to clear up...if yer lucky!

sure...i had many many monetary moments offered to me in my 20's...by many many much older than me in exchange fer extra curricular activities but i've revoked my blow-job valley membership eons ago...we've all used our youth to get exactly what we wanted at times...regardless of what the outcome was to be...so kindly remove yerself from behind that pulpit...

i mean really!...how many times have YOU impersonated a gyrate'n gigolo and expected or finagled yer way outta pay'n fer dinners?...vacations?...shopp'n sprees? or a musical interlude?...from yer peers...parents...or yer weekly passionistas? regardless whether yer old enough to wipe yer own ass to have'n to hire a nurse to do it fer ya...

and you far right finger point'n fucktards who are gonna stand there and say to me..."you can't do that...it's a sin"...seriously?...ummm...hate to break it to y'all but sin was just an imaginary disease invented by CASPER crusaders to sell the gullible and weak-minded like yerself an imaginary cure called s-a-l-v-a-t-i-o-n...and this unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of their own universe don't play that !

so after careful consideration...i looked long and hard into the mirror...

and thought to myself...i thought self...what am i doin?...i may be one more year closer to receive'n my AARP membership and become'n a monthly member to the June Allison fan club...but i ain't gotta pay fer no dime store dick...well...not just yet anyways...i'm a damn catch...i still have plenty of free fuckable years on my roster...with the cost of live'n completely sky rocket'n year after year...kindly just leave a quarter on the counter fer services rendered...thank-you...

now with that in mind...time to spritz on my fav-o-rit and most effective eau de toilette to date...and watch me baby while i walk out that door!

now get off my dress!

beyond the tombstone

have you ever believed that there's somethin' beyond the graveyard of life?

Winona Ryder found out all about the existence of the afterlife that helped her deal with her own miserable mortality in "BEETLEJUICE" 

it made Demi believe there really was life after death...thanx to Whoopi use'n her body as some sorta sexual vortex fer her in  "GHOST"

recently dearly departed lead singer PETE BURNS of the band DEAD OR ALIVE...sung all about "just a ghost with a long long dead affair" with their ghostly 1986 smash hit "SOMETHING IN MY HOUSE"

of course not everything about the afterlife is a bed of roses as ROBIN WILLIAMS found out with his utterly severe allergy attack in "WHAT DREAMS MAY COME"

though i grew up forced into attend'n those apocalyptic voodoo classes with the other CASPER crusaders...i was never one to believe in anything

but spend'n a good buck...

on a good tuck...

but not fer a good...oh what the hell...it's not like yer not gonna google it at some point anyways...YES...fuck

i've had my run-ins with ouija boards...

and dabbled in the occasional seance over the years... 

but did i ever mention about the other dimension that i've had contact with? oh yes kittens...it's true!

the first time was with my Grama Viola...i'd just gotten off...

(hey...get yer mind outta the gutter ya dirty lil kitten...well at least this time)...bein' a drug bunny fer the government...when i got a call one early morn'n in '93 from my cuz Heather tell'n me that she had passed away in her sleep at 87...i was inconsolable at the time since i had just spoke with her the nite before lett'n her know that i planned on move'n back home and in with her to help her out around the house...once my study was completed...she was like a rock of security i had never really had before from anyone after i lost my dad from years earlier...she took me fer who i was without pass'n any sorta judgment...even sew'n my very first Elvira dress fer halloween in '85...but about a couple weeks later after her pass'n..

i remember sitt'n on her couch at her house on 3rd street with her daughter...my aunt Ellen...and she was kick'n back her motorized lift chair and leaned over to us...smiled and said everything was ok...and then all of a sudden she had disappeared and i woke right up in bed as if i'd seen a ghost...but everything from that moment on seemed ok to me ...know'n that she was ok

almost 20 years later...and the only real love of my life Mike...thus far

who i had nicknamed HEMAN fer obvious reasons...would spend 4 1/2 tumultuous roller coaster years together...decided to call me one day...2 years after i had ended the relationship but still remained "close" friends...on my lunch break...break'n down (which he never had done durin' our time together) tell'n me that he found out he had some sorta cancer and that the doctors couldn't figer out what it was...but he was gonna start chemo...all i had thought then was WAIT!...they don't just dole out chemo like it's candy...they have to know what kind of chemo to give you in the first place...but my only response at the time was stunned...

well cuz i only had 20 minutes left on my lunch break...and i was a starve'n marvin...but more importantly...i remember tell'n him people lived years with the treatments they have now (he was 16 years older than me at the time...i was 42...you do the math smarty pants) anywho...we kept in contact fer the next 6 month religiously every week fer about an hour talk'n about anything and everything under the sun...he was always good at return'n my calls within minutes if he happened to be preoccupied at the time when i called...but one day i would not here from him all day...so by the next day i would call and leave another message but no response...i kept this up fer 4 weeks wonder'n why all of a sudden did he stop return'n my calls...the only thing that went thru my mind was that he either fergot to pay his cell bill and it got cut off or he changed his number and fergot to save my number in his new cell

then one nite...i found myself all dressed in black...walk'n down a long peer to a white beach with the flame'n sun beat'n down on me as i tried to hide my delicate milky white skin under my black laced parasol (what...you don't have one?...huh...too bad fer you then!) so all of a sudden i see someone walk'n along the wave lines on the sea and as they got closer it was my Mike...with a smile on his face...he stretched out his arm to me and simply said "hey Matty why don't you come with me for a walk" i replied with my token answer i'd always give'n him whenever he wanted me to do stuff outside under the sun with him "Mike...you know i hate the sun on my skin"..his reply to me was "i know Matty...well i gotta go"...and i said goodbye...as Mike kept on walk'n along the beach...i had turned and headed up the peer...as i turned around to get one last look to say goodbye...he was gone with the wind and i woke up all of a sudden and completely content that we got to say good bye

by the time i had made my way to work that morn'n...somethin' told me to log his name into google...and to my complete surprise...Mike had died exactly 1 month to the day i had the dream...i do believe that was his way of tell'n me to stop call'n cuz he was no longer home

my godmother and the closest relation that i had any real connection with

 since my Grama Viola...was my aunt Ellen...who always went way above and beyond fer me fer many many years ever since i was young...by give'n me my 1st sip of beer as a small child and realize'n my palette was made fer a much more refined distillery...take'n me to my 1st trip that i can ever remember outside of my state...to South Dakota with my 5 cuz's when i was 11...and lett'n me pick where i wanted to go...just like i was one of her very own kids (i chose Flintstones Park...why not!)...and many times i would save up my paper route money or collect'n recyclable cans thru-out my teenage angst years to buy a bus ticket outta dodge to one of her many places she was live'n in at the time and stay with her fer the week

once i had made my way to the Minne-Apple in 1990...we would become even closer and go on many walks over the years...from the Mall of Hysteria on the weekends in the winter times with pit stops at our fav-o-rit therapy session...Fat Tuesdays...to replenish our fluids...to many walks around the many parks thru-out the metro area

halloween was always my fav-o-rit time of the year...Ellen even offered to make her tasty potato soup fer my murder mystery party one year...we would spend a good chunk of halloween nites together in my 30's dress'n up and go bar hopp'n in Burnsville before i would hit downtown Minneapolis with my friends...that is until one halloween...when she went out as Hillary Clinton in a cape in 2008 (i'm assume'n the look was a blood suck'n politician she was goin for...not anything against Hillary as she was very much for her) and i was lil red ride'n hooker...but a lil trip to the boys room to powder my nose and retuck my stuck tuck was a bit of an awkward moment fer the 4 urinal warts unleash'n their belches and bladders and one says with a shit grin form'n on his face and lick'n his lips..."ma'am yer in the wrong room" to which i replied in my best frog clogged voice "don't worry...you ain't my type"...of course his only logical retort was" yer a fuck'n dude?"...ummm yea...it was time to go

Ellen was always one of my most supportive fans...come'n to many many of my unintentionally internationally unknown perform'n illusionist of my own universe performances over my 23 years in the biz...even make'n it to my last performance 2 years ago when i hosted the official (and highly successful i might add) REBEL HEART party at some shit hole bar in downtown Minnehopeless

we had spent many a holidaze together in one form or another thru-out the years...the last holiday we spent together was at her son's place in Eagan, MN...my friend Poonani came with to help doll her up fer the easter festivities...they hit it off like they'd known each other fer years...goin on like 2 chatty Kathy's

she told me once as a small child if she took care of me at the time...that i would have to take care of her when she needed it later on in life...she would remind me of this from time to time over the years...and i did my best to keep that promise by help'n her out at her board and lodge business she was part owner of...to paint'n and clean'n her condo over the years in Burnsville...that even was featured in a small arty film i wrote fer one of the shows i was part of

one day...2 years back...i was asked to move in and help take care of her...of which the only issue i had was the distance to work...so i mentioned to help sell the condo...and find somethin' closer to my work so i wouldn't have to do the long weekly commute (of which i was never a fan of cuz if it took me more than 15 minutes to get to work...i didn't wanna go) so i set the ball in motion with a mutual friend to help hunt fer new digs that we both could dig

flash forward to 2 years later and i was blind sided as i'm sure she was...one day to hear from her that she was now goin to be put in "a home" that she had zero desire to ever be part of...even more so...once she was moved in their...though she was closer to me now...i felt helpless after the talks we would have on the nites i would stop over after work and go fer a walk around the block...she would only be in the home fer one month when i received a call late one nite from my sister that Ellen had passed away under unfortunate circumstances....to say i was complete devastated is a complete understatement... there were no words to describe what was goin thru me that late even'n...i was mute (ok...so i thought of one word...sue me...but you get my point)

2 weeks would go by and i would be sitt'n in my bed and would see a bright blurry light make'n it's way thru a succession of fast paced black shadows...as the light made it's way thru the shadows...it became more luminescent and all of a sudden i could see it was my aunt Ellen...in a white puffy jacket wear'n her fav-o-rit green hat...walk'n up to the edge of my bed...wave'n with her irish grin on her face and said to me "H-E-L-L-O...how are you?" i remember shedd'n a single tear of joy and say'n "i had this weird dream Ellen that everyone was tell'n me you were dead"...then i realized she was really gone and i was wake'n up from a dream inside a dream...

she walked over to the side of my bed as the shadows kept move'n around her and as the light kept glow'n brighter around her...she leaned down said "don't worry everything is ok...i'm with Eugene" (her eldest brother who was stand'n quietly next to her) and as she leaned into me to give me a hug i whispered into her ear "Ellen can you say hi to my dad for me?" she simply said "yes i will" and as she turned her head and wrapped her arms around me...her body had completely dissipated into a blackness and i woke up...wide awake and completely relieved she was finally ok

believe what you want...but get off my dress!

rise like a phoenix from the flamers

so we're only a couple short weeks away from all hell's even'n…

my all time fav-o-rit holidazzle celebration of them all…i remember runn'n around in those oh so comfortable costumes with the facial masks that made you feel like you were gasp'n fer yer last breath...at six feet underground...from the good ol' yester years...with my siblings in gilmore valley...gett'n a ice cream bucket full of some future diabetic disaster from the neighbors we absolutely knew nothing about...

know'n i wouldn't become a lil crispy critter…with it's flame retardant fabric...

unlike those other store bought brands

i've concocted a merried of looks since then…in fact…in 1986…my grama made my very first h-weenie outfit to fit my curvaceous curves during my tender sweet 16th year as Elvira Mistress of the Dark...as one would do

with her front window curtains made of brown polyester
 (insert "how precious" awww here)

the follow'n year i would make my very first costume on my own as Lily Munster...then returned the non rental sew'n machine back to Kmart fer a full refund cuz i needed to renew my subscriptions to TEEN BEAT and SMASH HITS magazine...cuz my paper route money wasn't gonna cut it

my first nite out in the Minne-Apple in '91 i went as Wednesday Addams...and was stuck in it fer an unfortunate 3 days...and hadda draw on my eyebrows with a  combination of brown and purple Crayola markers...due to an unfortunate razor incident that even'n

(the storm of the century that nite…remember kittens?)

when i was Ziggy Stardust years later...i lost out to some toothpicked twink in diapers and a top hat as baby new year…you can't tell me some beer gut wasn't boink'n his boy beaver fer top prize... i was robbed i tell ya! ROBBED!!!

i've done the Boy George look as Leigh Bowery from his hit show TABOO fer the new millennium and won a free cocktail…big fuck'n whoop

but when i was Boy George from the 80's...i beat out the dead Michael Jackson fer the coveted 200 cold hard benjamins 

when i was lil red ride'n hooker at a VFW in Burnsville, MN with my aunt goin as a blood suck'n politician...it was like a disaster 

this year though i'm think'n to skip the hot factor all together and go a lil more sadistic...but we'll see if i break down though to show some leg at the very least...in the meantime…i thought i'd give ya my top 10 list of the hottest...freakiest flix to watch in the dark this season...with some Crisco and a kleenex

the original HALLOWEEN...

FRIDAYTHE 13th...

and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

all cancelled each other out cuz of too much of the hotness factor involved so on with the show...

10. FRANKENSTIEN

though it's been remade more than beds at the bunny ranch...u can't go wrong with a classic can ya? and fer a monster...all tall and thick and who barely could put 2 words together...that's sorta hot...and what self respect'n freek out there

hasn't wanted to toss some rich bitch into a lake...listen up WALL STREET!

9. SCREAM

plenty of hotties to be had in this flick...especially Skeet Ulrich

even if he is like the shopko version of Johnny Depp...apparently that rich bitch knew how to swim outta that lake years earlier…

but they made damn sure she didn't make it past the first 10 minutes in this fairly recent horror classic

8. PUMPKINHEAD

a fairly unknown late 80’s flick but has all the freak elements you need...starr'n Lance Henriksen…though he had cool green eyes

he just creeps me out all together...and that's kinda hot!

7. THE AMITTYVILLE HORROR (remake)

very very rivet'n sitt'n-on-the-edge-of-yer-seat performances by all...but the main reason to watch...is cuz of axe weild'n homicidal maniac

Ryan Reynolds…H-E-L-L-O!

6. THE CONJURING

based on hollyweirds "true stories" from the 70's...this ones about a farmhouse haunted by some annoy'n demonic presence...and the only one of the most recent flicks to really scare the pumpkin latte shit outta me...luckily fer me though...the buffer that i'd be a fluffer fer in a demonic minute...

PATRICK WILSON...meeeeouch!

5. KILLER CLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE

though the soundtrack and actors in this B classic are cheesier than kraft macaroni…it stars 80's B movie hunk-o-rama Grant Cramer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrravey on my mashed potatoes...and when you have clowns that can kill you with cotton candy and popcorn…

eat'n insulation and styrofoam pellets just ain't the same ever again!

4. WRONG TURN

nothing is freakier than being chased by a bunch of inbreds with an attitude...but more importantly it stars Desmond Harrington

(you can rescue me anytime…i swear)

3. THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (remake)

this makes the original look like a fairy tale…except...you will feel the pain...plus scrumptious new comer...at the time anyways...Eric Balfour...will have you come'n in yer culottes again and again

(though sadly he will NOT return in the sequel…oops…sorry)

2. ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW

what h-weenie night would be complete...without a-n-t-i-c-i-

p-a-t-i-o-n!...plus...Peter Hinwood...enough said!

who else can look hotter in gold lame shorts i ask you!

1.ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK

this is my all time FAV spooktacularexpialidocious h-weenie flick…and NO not cuz of her enormous "endorsement deals"…

it's cuz of hot-to-trot daddy-o DANIEL GREENE

but on a side note...i did get to meet the MISTRESS with my good friend Peetrinella and some friends back in '94 at a trailer sign'n in Anoka, MN of all places...i went dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange

after a drunken hayride…i made my way back to her trailer fer one more photo op…and the huge black bodyguard said Elvira only wanted to talk to ME…yes ME!!...she loved my look compared to the other slack jaws in line drool'n over her chest like a pack of starve'n mongolian baboons

and said she was in the process of gett'n ready to film a new movie and had thought of a great title to call it …"THE MISTRESS AND THE MATTRESS"…why not!!...all i hadda do was to send her a professional 8x10 of me...though nothing was guaranteed (she signed another glossy fer me and put her address on the back) it took me 2 years after that meet'n…after Krystal Kleer was born…to get professional shots take'n…but by then the movie had come out called "ELVIRA'S HAUNTED HILL'S"

but alas…i was not in it…and YES to this day i kick myself

now get off my dress!